Sometimes it ends. Other times, it just slowly fades. Whatever
happens, there are feelings involved. Polyamory is funny that way.
This has been on my mind quite a bit recently. I don't adjust to
changes very well. It's one of the very first things I tell people when
we get involved. I even specify what are important things and what are
unimportant things. What I expect/need to know, and what is "noise."
Depending on my level of involvement, much of it is noise. I go to great
lengths to explain what I will give, and what I expect.
I've been witness to a beginning, what appeared to be a fade, but was
an ending, and what I call a "true fade" in the past month. I was even
exposed to noise, which is something I hate. It seems that late
spring/early summer is a hotbed of activity for many relationships. I
blame the heat.
This is mostly about my "true fade." Several years ago, I took a
submissive under consideration. It was a failure. The consideration
period only lasted two weeks before I told him it wasn't going to work.
He was bratty, couldn't (or wouldn't) follow simple instructions, and
required more energy than I could muster. Both of us have experienced
success with others. It was just a bad fit. We didn't love each other
less either. Every year, right about this time of the year he calls me.
"Mistress Merry, do you think you could give me a spanking? A really
hard one?" I answer yes and we make fluid plans to see one another, and
it never happens. He called last night. I won't be available for him
until after the 5th. The end of June until the second week of July is
tough on me. If you go far back enough in my Journal, or you know me
well, you know why. I'm not going to repeat it here. Princess is my true
fade. I know that the day will come when he doesn't call, but I know
it's not this year. It's not painful. It doesn't hurt. The one that
hurts (there's always at least one) was the one that appeared to be a
fade, but then ended abruptly due to circumstances neither of us could
control.
That one gives me all sorts of mixed
feelings. Sadness, anger, and a hurt like being punched in the gut. I
mourned it for months, even though I was in a happy thriving
relationship that carried me through it. Every time I see his (real)
name the pain becomes fresh. I yell and cuss when I see it. I still love
him but I know he no longer loves me. It's my cross to bear.
I'm facing a difficult relationship decision right now made even more
difficult by something I can't control dealing with Shilo. I'm
distracted. I don't know how I will decide, but I know that there's too
much noise here.
