Can You Hear Me?

A Tale Of Discouragement

47 days. Forty-seven FUCKING days. I have monitored my eating habits, followed a (relatively) strict diet, increased my fluid intake, and monitored my blood sugar and kept it down to an acceptable level with few exceptions. I don't expect overnight results, but I've begun to feel healthier and my blood sugar results are proof that it's paying off. I chart my dietary intakes, I care about what goes in my body.


I'm proud of my progress. My Household and those close to me know what sacrifices I've made for this. I'm NOT a "special snowflake" and numbers don't lie. All this work is paying off, and I'm doing it in spite of the stressors caused by Shilo's prostate cancer and dealing with the delays caused by it. I am a warrior, and I haven't stopped or given up. I've even been a good example for Shilo, who is now taking better care of his diabetes, and I believe it's never too late to make life and lifestyle changes. There is no "too old" or "too late" until we're dead.


So, what's wrong? Why am I discouraged? Well, I went to the doctor today, for my every three months check, and I made a copy of my charting to show him my blood levels and discuss my changes, and ask him what he thought of the improvements. He barely even glanced at them, and told me that I was wasting my time, and I didn't need to keep track of things. Instead of acknowledging the improvements, and giving feedback on my questions, he ignored them and focused on other things. I mean, my blood pressure has improved, my pants (when I wear them) are too big. It wasn't that long ago that I was 225, and now I hover between 190 and 195. He didn't even answer my questions! When he was finished, I went down to my car and cried. I just can't handle this.


I deserve better. I deserve to be heard. I pay him to assist me in improving my health, and I'm being ignored, and I'm tired of it. If this was any other relationship, I would have ended it already, and that is where I am now. Unfortunately, unlike a relationship, where I can do without the hassle, I need a doctor. Contacting my insurance is one of many steps I have to take, so this is more like a divorce.

And now that I've written this, I still feel discouraged, but I also feel better, because I know what I have to do. Find a new doctor. Wish me the best!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tfY4OfUXiYU 

  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OPwcf60X-Q4

No Nice Way To Say It

I know my last post (https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2019/01/something-on-my-mind.html) came across as ominous and a bit cryptic. I want to apologize if I unnerved anyone. it's been a difficult past few months full of "Hurry up and wait" combined with even more hurry up and wait, and it's not getting better anytime soon.

Long story short, my husband, Shilo, has aggressive prostate cancer. The diagnosis received this past Friday (1-25) was not a shock. Some of the other things we were told were.

Because this is supposed to be a kink blog, and because I wanted to keep things separate, please feel free to visit my other blog at:
https://alostwifesjourney.blogspot.com/

I will write updates as I get them, and try to maintain it as best as possible.  Of course, I'll be here as well when I can, but we all know that I write irregularly at best (some things never change)

I will do my best to answer any questions there, but please be aware that there is a whole lot of things we don't know until we are told.

Thank you!
Merry

::Thinking:: (3-17-18)

Numbered, but in no particular order of importance...

1. I seem to be incapable of staying angry or upset, or even hold a grudge for very long. I "blame" it on my belief system. Forgiving (but not forgetting) is how I handle most things. Sure, I need a "cooling off" period where I will cut off all communication so I can heal, but once that's over, I can allow that person into my life in small doses, but I rarely, if ever, invite them back. I also treat them with caution so I don't get hurt again.  I don't believe in blaming a person, even if they did something wrong, choosing instead to start over.

My only exception is my oldest, who I cut off a year ago in hopes that he would straighten out his life. (tough love) I purposely avoid speaking to him.

2. I've really enjoyed my time of self-reflection, and I'm happy to share that I really believe my decision to focus on current friendships/relationships instead of looking for something new was a great idea. I still haven't gotten to all of my tertiaries (people I rarely see, but love with all my heart) but I'm working on it. The best thing has come out of this decision... I've discovered how much I really love and care for someone, and it really makes me feel good, because I wasn't looking for it at all. It has truly surprised me on a very good way, because it was so unlikely. I want this (and really all) my relationships to form without pressure.

3. I'm learning more about myself, and probably the best thing I learned is that even though I'm polyamorous (I'm capable of loving more than one person) and pansexual (I'm attracted to the person, not the gender) I'm also demisexual. (I have to love the person and feel attached before I can even think of being sexual with them) It's really put things into focus for me, and suddenly everything makes sense. Understanding my attachments and why they are the way they are means I will have better control in the future in the sense that I can avoid bad relationship habits.

4. As a result of all of the above, I've had some intense "conversations" with Shilo, and I'm hoping that it will result in better communication with him. If nothing else, at least I know what questions to ask when he turns quiet and how to better solve our problems. Also, before anyone comes at me to say they never have problems, I call bullshit. In any  healthy relationship, there are times when one will disagree with the other person. That's when talking about feelings comes in handy. If I've learned anything, it's that just because I'm the one with the authority, it doesn't mean I should arbitrarily decide on something without consulting with the rest of the Household. Changes are much easier if everyone is on board in advance. Avoiding a mutiny is always a wise idea.

Music To My Ears

HIM: ::smiling at me:: I'd really love to have sex with you right now, but it's too damn hot.

ME: ::melts::

Knowing I'm desired and desirable is one thing, but actually hearing those words really sends it home to me.

And, yes, it's TOO DAMN HOT!!!

Silence

"is golden".
Said the introvert quietly.

"But WHYYY???!!!"
the toddler and teenager screamed.

"Come closer and listen."
The Teacher said.

So they all huddled quietly at the feet of the introvert. And waited.
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And waited
 

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and waited some more.



Just as her audience was about to leave, the introvert spoke:

"We have sat in silence for a very long time. You waited to hear my words, because I rarely speak, but when I do, you find wisdom in my words. Am I correct?" They all nodded eagerly.


"Some people just like to hear their own voice. They speak nonstop about others, always presenting themselves as the Hero or the Victim when they are neither. No, they are Liars and Instigators. They bring Destruction to anyone who falls for their many words. They add some truth to their lies, and they sit in wait for anyone who will correct them, and then claim again to be the victim."

"Do you understand?"


The teenager spoke:
"So sometimes instead of being so eager to defend myself, I should sit and watch instead?"


"Yes," the introvert said. "If you have a good character, and you are honest, people who know you will vouch for you. They will see the lies for what they are, and, if asked, they will speak the truth."


"But what about that mean kid that steals my toys?" the toddler asked. "Does it mean I shouldn't tell on her?"


The Teacher spoke:
"My darling Little One, yes, you should always tell someone who can help you when something bad happens."


The introvert added:
"If you are known to be truthful, then people will believe you when you ask for help. If you always whine and complain, people are less likely to believe you."


THE MORAL:
I stand by my words. When I see injustices done to those I consider Family, I will come to their aid. Do NOT Fuck with my Family, Do NOT Fuck with my friends, Do NOT Fuck with the Ones I Love. I don't have to lift a finger or speak a word. Justice has a way of taking care of things.


Mary Price https://www.facebook.com/merrrycontrary

It Isn't Badmouthing If It's True

I don't want her to fail. She's failed so many times before. Trainwreck is a trainwreck. Even a blind man can see that. Too bad lust causes a different type of blindness. I just have to watch it in slow motion. I already know he's going to get hurt and I can't help him. I just have to watch.

I won't even say I told you so to him because I didn't tell him. I mean it's all there in plain sight for him to see. She's going to rip him apart. I will hate her for it, because he DESERVES better, but he's too blind to see it. I don't understand the desperation he's in. I can give him what he wants. She will too, at least for a little while. Then she will be on a trainwreck again and drag him down with her. Lucky me! I will have to pick up all the pieces.

Right now I just don't like her because I know her past. When she hurts him, then I will hate her, I don't wish bad on her. I just see what's ahead.

I hope I'm wrong. I hope she is good and nice and loving. But I doubt it.

I'll just sit and wait. Then, when he's properly bandaged, I'll introduce him to some women who are worthy of him.

FYI: The above was written by Sunshine. I've corrected spelling, but the grammar is all hers.

An explanation of sorts: AKA: WHY is she a trainwreck?

I don't claim to know it all, and we all have our problems, but recent history says it all.

As someone with demons of my own, I understand the importance of proper medication and therapy. I get that. I have a very easy "cocktail" of medication that keeps my head in the right direction. The woman has rapid cycling Bipolar Disorder. She is NOT medication compliant by her own admission. She drinks heavily (again by her own admission) and uses various drugs as well. It's not healthy. He is a vegan. She isn't, and she's not the type to even try it.

Over the past 24 months, she has had no less than 20 jobs. The longest one lasted a month. In the same amount of time, she has had 10 failed relationships, one only lasting 12 hours.

Like I've written elsewhere, I've known her for the past 2 years.We were friendly and used to communicate. I read her journal/blog for over 2 years. This is soon to be ugly.

The Time Is Now

I can no longer live my life the way others would want me or expect me to be. Life has ripped the last veil. Stare if you must, laugh even, but it won't change who I am.


Some will have pity and leave. There will be a few who will come and kick me and rip me to shreds, whether for their own enjoyment, or the enjoyment of others. Others, the ones who are truly able to Love me will stay, and sit by me, or even tend to my wounds. Not because of who I am, but because of who they are. Staying by someone when they have nothing left, when their veils have been ripped, their protective shell broken, and all you see is a wounded soft underbelly is Honorable. Loving them is doubly so. I'm still not sure what hurts more. Being the wounded, or caring for the wounded. I know the rewards of both, but I've only experienced one until now. Being on the other side is uncharted territory, and showing my wounds, as ugly as they are, and knowing I'm powerless to heal myself without the time and patience of others has been humbling.


I'd like to think that in spite of the mess I must be, I'm in the healing stage. It doesn't stop people from kicking me or cutting me, but I'm no longer crying for mercy when they do it. I'm feeling defiant, not fighting them, but wondering out loud if that's the best they can do. Goading them on. I see them for who they really are. Bullies. Not Sadists. A Sadist will cut me and give me time to heal, or will at least check on me before making the next cut. Bullies kick and cut without rhyme or reason, and don't care if you'll be around. They don't tend to wounds. A Sadist will be patient. Tending to my wounds because it's become a game. I respect that. A Sadist won't purposely kill you. The aim of the bully is to be the victor. "I killed (person)" or "Look how powerful I am. I won."


Did someone call me a self-serving masochist? Really???!!! Like anyone would gleefully be exposed, beaten down to nothing, and left to die willingly? No. That is not masochism, that is insanity! My defiance isn't masochism, and even though it might appear to be insanity, I know that in order for me to get strong again, I will have to push myself. Go beyond what I feel I can handle in order to stand on my own, or in this case, stand with the Ones who Love me, who are Honorable, and who understand that this ugly wounded mess is a Warrior, and will be a Warrior once again.


I could have suffered in silence and gone into hiding when I saw the writing on the wall. We've all done that. I've done that, but you reach a point in your life where you can't keep running and hiding. When you realize that talking about your pain and maybe even showing it's ugly side will finally heal you. When you're exposed and crushed and crawling in the dirt that's become mud from all the blood you've shed.


God knows I've suffered losses in every part of my life. I've fought the demons of Fear and Insecurity, and in spite of all that, I never gave up, but sometimes you have to stop and breathe. I didn't give up.

Listen, did you hear that? I'm breathing.

Touch me. Did you feel that? It's my heart beating.

My eyes are open. Do you know what I see? I didn't think so. Only the blind run and hide. I'm not blind anymore. I see things as they are. Yes, I'm a mess, but I see that light at the end of the tunnel, and this time, I'm pretty sure it's someone else with a flashlight and not a train getting ready to run me down.


Can I be your flashlight?