Overdue Stuff and Emotional Plea

Superbowl Sunday, I had my MRI. After making sure I was heavily drugged, Shilo sent me off with my Boyfriend, who really deserves a better title, and his girlfriend (and many other things besides) . While he drove, we giggled and talked. I'm going to repeat it again: I am so lucky to have her as a metamour. She is a wonderful caring person, and we have quite a bit in common. I can't wait to see her again! Enough gushing!


The following day, I started my PT at the new place. I had gone 3 weeks without, and I definitely felt the difference because I had lost some progress. The machines were killing me, but I was really excited to be back on them.


I think I mentioned before that the agent who purchased the house is assisting us in finding a place. Well, we went there on Saturday morning (2-11), and on the way, we were informed that escrow closes March 1, and they would like us out by then. We were not prepared for that, and it put me in a panic. We moved into this house with the belief that it would be our "forever" home. None of us like moving, and I've moved three times since my mother died in December 2012. Having a short deadline only put more pressure on me.


It's really nice, but because it's a (newly remodeled) Townhouse, there's not nearly as much room as the House. Still, I can't complain. It's about 3 miles North of my childhood home on the same street. It's also centrally located, and within walking distance of a grocery store and the mall. I really am excited about the possibilities. PLUS, we can keep Donna Dawg-Lass and my cat Tsunami. What's sad was that we had to vote on the other cats. We were all in tears about having to vote, but we can't have 5 cats, one of which doesn't get along with the others, and another in poor health. Our former boarder is coming to get the disagreeable one, and we discussed euthanizing the sick one. That would leave us with 3 cats and a dog. Still one cat too many. He's an indoor/outdoor cat, so he would be hard to keep hidden, so we found someone to take him, but now they can't take him, and I'm heartbroken. I can't send him to the pound. He's a black cat, and they don't typically get adopted. I'll put more information at the end of this entry.


Shilo and myself also discussed it and decided to borrow money against my CD that has the last little bit of my inheritance left. We didn't take it lightly either, because the last thing we need right now is to owe more money, but we needed money to move. A lower amount was approved than what we asked for, but it's enough to pay the moving expenses and take care of other necessities. At least, I think it is.


Sunday evening, the three of us went to a long-awaited wedding of my Maid of Honor and Shilo's Best Man. We got to catch up with a few friends from the Hollywood Spanking Group, so it was extra nice. A little-known fact is that we got engaged at a Hollywood Spanking Group party. It was wonderful to see so much Love in one place.


Then came "Verdict Day" my appointment with the Ortho doctor. He told me my best option was to get a cortisone shot and continue with PT. I get my first shot on Friday morning. Ask me if I'm excited. No, I'm not excited. Not one bit! I'm scared. Like so afraid that I'm going to have to be drugged just so I can get through it.


Later in the day, I went to PT. After I finished my prescribed exercises I told the young man in charge of my case that I wasn't feeling challenged enough. That was really difficult to say, because it's not like I enjoy the pain and crying, but I want to regain my independence, and it won't happen unless I'm pushed a little harder. He sat me on a chair and pushed me while tears streamed down my face. He'd ease up, and then push harder. My muscle tone is so bad that without him holding me in position, my arm flopped down. I used to be so strong, I could lift and carry 100 pounds of dead weight, and yes, I can carry about 10 pounds now, and when this first happened, I couldn't lift a fork, so I've improved, but it's depressing. Talk about baby steps! Before I left I told him about the cortisone shot on Friday, so he told me to not exert myself or do my exercises over the weekend, and we'd start fresh on Monday morning (2-20)


I won't discuss what Shilo did at the bank on Monday afternoon, but he definitely deserved the lecture I gave him. He was finally remorseful Tuesday morning. He will be "paying" for his behavior for at least a few more days.

AND FINALLY, A REQUEST FOR HELP

I have 2 black cats, male, born in March 2014. I love them dearly, but I cannot keep them because I'm losing my home. The people who were supposed to take them changed their minds, and time is running out. Fran is very sweet and friendly and prefers the freedom of going outdoors on occasion. He likes other cats and dogs as well. He's never been around children, so I won't vouch for that, but I'm asking if any of you can help me with finding him a home, I would appreciate it. Please inbox me.

Shilo

This is written to give him a "heads up," but I'm sure that it might be entertaining for others as well...

Over the past few days, Shilo and I have been discussing BDSM structures, Female Led Domestic Discipline, Relationships, polyamory, and whole bunch of other things. All of them are heavy-duty, and they all relate directly to us, our marriage, our relationship, and our Household. Some things, Shilo has even dared to write in his journal, and a few of his opinions expressed are quite controversial. Still, those are his opinions, and he's allowed to express them. I know he wrote some things to elicit a response from me, and instead, I chose not to respond to those remarks. He wrote some things he feels about our relationship and how he views them. How a person views something and how they are can be two different things. I'm neither agreeing or disagreeing with those things at this point. I'm just putting it out there that I read it and took it all in.

So, what does this really mean? It means that I may or may not agree with his stated opinions, depending on what they are. What he wrote about his views on our relationship has some similarities to how it is for us as I see it, but, again, not all. I will say that his health issues have caused a 'shift' in our relationship, and if you add the fiasco about Sherman to it, you can say that the past 13 or so months have had a HUGE effect on where we are now at this moment. While there have been negative effects, there also have been positive, and the positive outweighs the negative. We're exploring, and with our explorations, we've learned new truths about ourselves and each other. We've broken down much of the "smoke and mirrors" and see some things clearly. Both of us have become strengthened and hurt by these revelations.

What's important to know is that at the end of the day, this all relates to us. My relationship with Shilo. It has  almost no effect on how I am with others. the give and take part is different, but it doesn't make me any less Merry, and it doesn't make him any less Shilo. How we relate and react to each other, not the outside world.

So is there "smoke and mirrors" to others? Do we hide behind a veil? I think all couples do. I mean, how or why we do things isn't always for public consumption. The important thing for you to know is that the spankings and discipline are very real. I am turning his ass that lovely color. The corner time is real. I really do make him sing "Twinkle, twinkle little bat."  My laughter is real. I enjoy all this. I am a Sadist, he is a masochist. We enjoy each other. We Love each other. The chastity is real. He does wear those devices for up to a week or more. The devotion we have to each other is real.

Will I address these things further? Will I give a heartfelt response with my feeling bared for all to see? That's yet to be determined.... But for now...

I heard you Shilo.  I Love you Shilo.

Please allow me the time to take it all in.

Merry

Hide and Seek Bullshit (10-11-14)

When the going gets tough, the tough get a cigarette. Or, at least, in Shilo's case, it works that way. He's written numerous times in numerous places about my "bloodhound" nose, and my ability to sniff it out. He's tried many ways to hide it, but I still know. I've not only got super smelling, but I also have an allergy to scents, and many of them give me a horrible headache, Fortunately, while the odor of cigarettes bother me, they don't give headaches. Any scents used to cover odors do. Perfume, aftershave, cologne, scented cleaners, and most air fresheners will either make me gag or get a massive headache. I rarely complain, I just avoid the person/area and I'm fine. Headaches last a minimum of 30 minutes. Shilo knows this. He's witnessed it firsthand. He's not stupid.

Okay, last sentence of the first paragraph. Please remember it. Shilo does become a bit addle-brained when he's been smoking. Remember, he tries (foolishly) to hide it from me. Occasionally, I just wait for him to fuck up and I don't say a thing. I think to myself "Dammit! He's been smoking again!!! and my mouth says "Mmmm! I Love you!" because I DO Love him. I Love him in spite of all the things he does, just like he Loves me in spite of how I am. That's just how things go. I do have limits, and sometimes he pushes them, other times, he's just addle-brained. On with the story:

Shilo and I ran separate errands on Friday, and I got home before him. I was in the middle of an important conference call from a church leader in Chicago when Shilo came in. My assistant, M, was with me, and talking on the speakerphone. As soon as Shilo entered, I knew something wasn't right. My head started to "explode" with a headache. Shilo smelled like he had bathed in air freshener perfume, and I tried avoiding him, but he had to be where we were. Finally, when I couldn't handle the pain anymore, I told him that he wasn't hiding anything, I knew he had been smoking, and would he PLEASE get rid of that odor because my head was pounding. He showered and changed, and I was so happy (yes, happy!) to just smell cigarettes on him. I told him we'd talk about it in detail later. We haven't yet done so. Too many other things.

Stuff I want to say, some of which I took the time to express:

• You know you can't fool me.
• Why hide it when you know I can smell it?
• Why did you use the stuff that gives me a headache?
• You realize that by "covering" the odor, it's lying and a repeat offense.
• Do you enjoy this?
• Do you think I emjoy this?
• How do you plan on fixing this situation?
• Surely you can think of a better way to deal with your anger and frustration.
• And many more similar feelings and thoughts...

One day, Shilo will really realize that hiding stuff from me is a waste of time, and he'll learn to come to me and confess/tell the truth immediately. This is what transparency is all about. Being honest about things, expressing your feelings, and accepting the consequences. Please quit playing hide and seek with me.

Sex, Discipline, and Heat

It has been a warm fall. No, let's try it again. It's been a fucking hot fall. As in, it's been about 90 outside. As for the inside? It was a high of 94 inside, with the fans running. It makes me wish I had asked about air conditioning. Still, I love this house, and the lack of A/C doesn't make me love it any less. Honestly, I wouldn't mind the hot weather, except for the fact that it interferes with my sex life and makes discipline damned near impossible.

Face it, nobody wants to be next to someone else when they're hot and sweaty. I don't like being sweaty sticky next to someone else. Honestly, all I want to do is spend the day in a cool shower. This is doubly difficult on Shilo because he works grave shift, and sleeps during the day. I almost miss the days before we got married, when I'd stay with him in his air conditioned bedroom. Sex and discipline was fun. Now, in this heat, it's a burden.

I just want a cool place to sit so I can stop sweating. My energy level is down to zero. Yes, I realize that winter will come eventually, and I'll be missing warm weather, but this weather now? Hardly!

Let's hope for things to cool down to the 70's so I can get sex, and start disciplining Shilo again on a regular basis.

Just An Update

Things are working out well with Sherman. He gets along well with both Stitch and Shilo, and Shilo was the one I was most concerned about, because he had only heard tidbits about Sherman up until he moved in here. It's also feeling more "permanent" because we now have his dog here in addition to his belongings.

Sherman has also proven that he knows his way around the kitchen, and has made dinner for us (Stitch and me, Shilo was working) a few times now. He also cooked while Shilo and I were camping last week. It's nice that I don't need to worry about cooking food in advance for Stitch when Shilo and I are gone. Shilo also took his turn in the kitchen this past week, modifying a meal he made before for us and adding cooked linguica, much to my delight. It's nice to know I don't have to make dinner if I'm not feeling up to it.

About the campout last weekend: I know I barely mentioned it a week ago, and not since. Shilo and I arrived about 15 minutes after it was scheduled to start, and he set up the tent with minimal help from me. He seemed to have an attitude that it was his job, so I let him at it, even though my helping would have saved time. We were the first ones to arrive. I got to see people I only see twice a year or less, and I even saw "Z"! I was dancing with delight to see her. She's had some rough times, and she looks so good! I'm very happy and proud for her. In the early morning hours (about 1 or so) I put Shilo on a spanking bench, and hit his ass with a number of implements. Then I went into the tent so I could receive my orgasm. He did a great job, but was unable to get or maintain an erection so we could engage in intercourse. I wasn't mad, but I was disappointed. The next paragraph will explain why.

Engaging in intercourse with Shilo is indescribable. Yes, he refers to it as "the ol' in and out" referencing "A Clockwork Orange" and I just write it as sex, but it's so much more than that. Because of the length, thickness, and shape of his penis, we have to have intercourse in missionary position. Any other position is painful because of what was left after my hysterectomy. He hits my g-spot every time!!! Washing sheets and/or towels is something I do frequently, and I don't mind a bit, because the sex is so good. I say terrible things, scream, and scratch like a tigress in heat. As incredible as it is for me, and as much as he enjoys it, there is one very unfortunate problem: He rarely reaches a climax. My theory is that he spent too many years masturbating, and it is so different from intercourse that he cannot cum from intercourse. Don't get me wrong, he will occasionally hit that point, but not very often.Yes, he says he enjoys sex with me, there's nothing wrong with me, and he even initiates sex on a regular basis. Unfortunately, the inability to get or maintain an erection lately has been problematic. My solution is in the next paragraph.

I don't like calling this a solution, because it solves nothing, but it seems to work in some evil, twisted way... He used to lock up in chastity to prevent masturbation before he got together with me, and, even after that, I used his chastity device in that manner, plus on other occasions as well. I won't answer for him, but, for me, it's a fetish. I enjoy seeing him locked in etc. a full explanation is here and it explains much better than my sleep deprived brain ever could. So, on Sunday, July 6th, at about 3 in the afternoon, Shilo got locked up in his newest device. It's silicone, and he says it's comfortable. I can't explain the psychology behind it, nor can I even explain what it does to him, but it seems to work. Also, we don't see chastity as a "punishment" so it works quite well, Actually, that's a misnomer. It is a punishment, for me, mostly, because, as stated before, I ENJOY sex with him so much. Yes, I can unlock him whenever I want. It's just that lately I've wanted to be pursued, and so I've not made the first move with anyone. I don't recall the last time I had sex with Stitch (maybe sometime in early June?) and Sherman, while he was "approved" for sex several years ago by Stitch, he hasn't gotten tested, and I don't feel necessarily sexual towards him, and he's still getting used to things here, so while he will hold me and kiss me, he hasn't tried anything, and, well, Shilo is locked up, and he hasn't even offered me an orgasm. so, yes, it tortures me more than anyone.

I thought about masturbating a few days ago to take off "the edge" a little bit, but I'm too tired. It's funny: I am in my house, running around nearly naked with three relatively healthy men, amd not one has even tried to initiate sex, or foreplay, or even just doing something to warm me up to them. I'm horny, but I'm not going to ask. Maybe it's a pride thing. I know that Shilo reads this sometimes, but who knows when, or even if he will use this information against me? (Or maybe for me?) I'm fully aware that he has masturbated while wearing a chastity device in the past, so even that can't or won't stop him. In the meantime, I just suffer in silence.

In other news, my birthday is tomorrow, and I'm attending a FemDomme party tonight with Shilo. We will actually celebrate my birthday on the 16th at what Sunshine calls "The cotton candy place." Now I must get my weekend started.

Current Events: Relationship Shifts

Since sometime in early June, I’ve been seeking a domestic sub/slave to make my household complete. It’s not as easy as it may seem. I have requirements and desires, and finding someone with even a majority of the requirements is nearly impossible. For your entertainment, I’ve attached my ad below:

For a long time, I was not actively looking for another submissive or slave. I am still very happy with my slave (and husband) Shilo, but we have mutually decided that adding another submissive, preferably one willing to do domestic duties would help to make our household complete. Male is preferred, but not an absolute necessity. You do not need to be a masochist, but you must be willing to accept discipline.

I prefer that you are over 35 and able to support yourself. You must be in good health and able to lift 50 pounds. Your height and weight doesn’t matter nearly as much as your personality. Smoking and/or drug use will NOT be tolerated, but I am fine with a light social drinker or cannabis user. You must be responsible and able to do housekeeping and assist with yard work and painting. Driving me places in your vehicle or running occasional errands will also be expected. Live-in is not expected, but occasional overnight stays will be required. My household is clothing optional, so you should ideally be comfortable in your own skin.

The following is preferred:

• Ability to swim
• Willingness to be in chastity while in service to household

The following is non-negotiable:

• Must like both dogs and cats.
• Must be willing and able to provide clean HIV status upon request
• Must be available at least 3 times a week, and also attend any family/household meetings.
• Must be discreet. I don't want my neighbors talking.
• Must have local references. This could be vanilla or perhaps a former Master/Mistress.

Please send all inquiries to (email redacted) Please include experience, references and availability.

I later added the following:

I am not a swinger, and I am very selective when it comes to sexual partners, so even if there is mutual attraction, there is no guarantee that I will have sex with you.

You must be service-oriented and not a brat. I expect once weekly meetings to start, and then an increase if and when you are approved and accepted into my household/Family.

My interests are varied, and I like having people around me who will stimulate my mind.

TO CLARIFY: My hope is to find someone who will eventually be a full-time live in member of my poly Household. Something like this takes time, and I do not want to make the wrong decisions in selecting someone. If you do not live in California already, I will not accept your message.

As anyone can see, my desires are stated clearly. It was only after I added the second part that I began to get replies, and I made between 3 and 5 appointments a day on my available days for interviews. There were the usual cancellations and no-shows along with people who lied about their age (“dust in a suit” was Shilo’s term for one of them) and their experience, including one who adamantly refused to come into the restaurant for his interview. I had given up on meeting people a little over a week ago, but I had a few pre-set interview appointments so I kept them.

Then it happened:

A week ago, in the early evening hours, an old friend/acquaintance from high school that is a Dominant called me, asking if he could visit. I invited him to my home back in October, shortly after I married Shilo and moved in the house. I figured he just finally felt the need to talk. I was wrong. Anyway, I invited him to come over about 3 on Saturday, and I told him I only had a two hour window. He arrived, looking more tired than I’ve ever seen him. When I asked about his daughter, he told me she was living with her mother (!!!) and when I asked what happed to his home, he told me about losing it when he lost his contract. So he was jobless, homeless, and without his daughter. Then he told me his fiancée dumped him too, and he was couch surfing. Not good.

I immediately called a Family meeting and asked if Shilo and Stitch would mind him joining the Household. He had already offered to do the work described above, and explained he had seen my ad on my profile. It was a no-brainer. Both Shilo and Stitch agreed that having him in the Household would be a positive thing, and, because Stitch already knew him, and Shilo trusted my judgment on him, it would be a relatively easy thing. So, my newest addition (Sherman) moved in here 5 days ago. He seems to get along well with everyone else, and he helps out as often as possible. He even accepted discipline today without complaint.

It almost goes without saying that there are adjustments being made. A slight growling and regrouping taking place. Sherman doesn’t seem to understand it, so late last night, when the two of us were alone in the hot tub, I explained about “pack mentality” and that most of the tension, if any, had to do with having another male in the pack, and nobody was really sure where Sherman would wind up (Alpha, Beta, Omega) and, until it was settled, there would be some grumbling. So, then Sherman told me he didn’t want anyone to feel displaced. As much as I tried to explain that it was the natural order of things, the more he resisted the idea. I finally told him that there is no competition between any of them, but until the others accepted that, there was going to be a little tension. I think he finally accepted that. Afterwards, he got in the shower with me and washed my hair, and then I went back to bed with Shilo.

Early this morning, when we were awakened by Stitch at 8, I told Shilo about the hot tub and shampoo, and then, in the afternoon while we were shopping, I told him about the actual hot tub discussion concerning Alpha, Beta, and Omega, and Shilo agreed that it was happening. We agreed that, whether or not he liked it, Sherman would eventually fill one of those roles if he stayed around long enough. I get the idea that Shilo is feeling pretty secure in his role as Alpha, so the real settling will be between Stitch and Sherman for Beta and Omega. As for me, I’m not sure on what will happen with any of them. I just know it’s something they need to settle, and it’s not my place to decide who goes where.

Also, Sherman “met” Sunshine yesterday while we were out with Shilo. Sherman decided that he likes Sunshine, and has quickly become protective of her. I feel this is a good thing, and it makes him even more “acceptable” to Stitch and Shilo. As for Sunshine, she relishes the attention. I’ll give reports on this as needed.

In the meantime, Shilo and I are attending the Kinky Campout at BOD on Saturday, so I’ll be away from the computer for a few days.

Currently (6-21-14)

I have Shilo standing in the corner. He is being punished. It's been quite some time since I actually punished him. I can't remember when it was. I'm sure he could tell you the last time. He keeps track of such things.

The difference today is that he didn't lie to me, and it has nothing to do with masturbation, or smoking, or even neglecting to do something. No, today is different. Today, for the first (and hopefully last) time, he loudly berated me in public. So loudly, in fact, that people in the grocery store turned around and looked at us. Looked at me. I did nothing. All I did was walk up to him to inform him about a sale. I speak quietly, and he is hard of hearing, so I got close to him. He yelled at me for getting so close to him, so I left. Walked out of the store. Within minutes, he was at my side, and I quietly told him why I was upset, why I walked out. I told him I didn't deserve to be publicly berated, and that he caused enough of a scene to have people stare at us.

I told him that he was not going to get away with it, and that he would be punished when we got home. Then we went back in the store to buy groceries. As we headed home, I told him that after he finished putting away groceries he was to get naked and stand in the corner. He's been there for nearly an hour now.

Did I mention that instead of going into the corner, he snuck out and drove off? He thought I wouldn't notice! I did notice he was quiet, so I figured he went into bed and mope, but, no, he ran away from home like a little boy instead of facing the consequences. I called him on the phone to find out where he was, and I emptied out our joint account online just in case he got any idea of using our money to do something stupid. I hated doing it, but if he was going to act like a child, I had no choice but to treat him like one.

About 30 minutes into him standing in the corner, I asked him why he ran away, and he explained that he was angry so he left. We discussed it a little more, and I left him in the corner. I plan on letting him out of the corner at the hour mark. I'm still not sure what to do with him. I mean, I'm not angry. I was angry when I walked out of the store, bur that anger dissipated rather quickly. Now I'm just hurt, but not even that much anymore.

Well, his time is up... I guess I'll decide soon and quickly. I'll write about it later maybe. If not, I'm sure he will.

His Desires

This was intended for my private (blogger) journal only, and not FetLife, but I decided that this needs a (slightly) bigger audience. This requires that I give a (not so) brief explanation. If you want, skip to the next paragraph. I was in a polyamorous relationship with my ex-husband, Stitch, when I first saw Shilo in late March. At that point, he was still D---- and it was his very first time at my favorite dungeon, and he was there to meet someone. He caught my attention that night, and I wasn't looking. He was kind of pretty with his long blonde hair, and he was obviously feeling out of place, but I had other things planned that night, so I went on with my play date, and occasionally saw him sitting near the back. I caught a glimpse of the chastity device he was wearing, and that further caught my attention. The next day, I found a post by him on one of the groups I belong to, and when I read it and his profile, I sent him a short note. I had already decided that he needed encouragement to go to public play parties, and that I could be friendly towards him, but that I would not play with him, because he was a smoker. To say I detest cigarettes is an understatement. My sincere hope was that he'd keep coming around, and that he would find someone nice to play with. We kept up with back and forth messaging, and, whenever I saw him, I'd greet him with a hug, and briefly speak to him. I could tell by our interactions that he was not very successful in actually meeting anyone that was even remotely interested in playing with him beyond just one time, and I could tell by his pictures that he was a heavy bottom. I also noticed that whenever I saw him and got near him that he didn't smell like a heavy cigarette smoker, so I took my chances, and invited him to join me at a party and play with me. I figured I needed a reliable play partner, and he needed someone to play with too. I told him we'd start off with a short session, and if he managed to entertain me, we'd go longer, and if I was happy at the end of the night, I'd play with him at every party. Well, he proved himself well, and at the end of the night, I invited him to join us for a late night snack, thinking (hoping) he would refuse. I mean, it's one thing to play at a dungeon, but completely different to actually have to talk to them. I recall apologizing profusely to Stitch, and him reassuring me that it would be okay. Stitch was right. It was okay, and I realized that he was okay. We even set up another date, and in September, I married Shilo. We are now a happy poly family.

Most of us are full of desires, and not all of them are easy, but I want to share Shilo's desires right now, because they are so simple, and yet, they are also difficult. The items I'll be explaining might seem like Shilo is a "do-me" slave, but he is not. Most of the desires listed were more of a self-improvement nature, and if I could help him become a better man, why not give a guiding hand in making these things happen? Shilo's first desire was to find someone, preferably a woman, who would Dominate him, and discipline him, and give him spankings on a regular basis. I came along, and that desire was fulfilled. He would obsessively masturbate (the reason he had on the chastity device when I first saw him) so he asked for guidance/help to stop. I gave him the help he needed with that. He also desired a BDSM contract, but he felt my initial one wasn't restrictive enough, so I gave him a very restrictive slave contract. I realized that his desire for more restrictions had to do with a fear of being dumped by me, and he needed a sense of "permanency" so I gave it to him. Later, when he realized/admitted to me that he was in Love with me (something neither of us expected) he decided that he wanted to quit smoking. I stated restricting his daily cigarette intake, and he used e-cigs to help with the nicotine. It was the smell and effect of the cigarettes on the lungs that he was concerned with. He wanted to straighten out his living area. That was a difficult task, but us getting married and moving to a house pretty well fixed that. Those were her biggest desires, the ones that seemed so hard, and yet, with lots of encouragement and Love, he was successful in meeting those desires and goals. Yes, he briefly backslid on two of those things, but he is back on track now.

But now comes two of his more simple desires. One was to have a "strict wife" that would use domestic discipline and lock him in chastity for her enjoyment. I wasn't sure if I was up for all it entailed, but I'm discovering that it is something I'm enjoying more as time goes on. I think he occasionally gets the understanding of "Be careful what you you wish for" He often resists, but I know that deep inside, he is very happy with it. The other desire, the one I think he desires most is to actually cry during a discipline session. It's easy for most people, but not Shilo. I really couldn't figure out why. I mean, we've had some really intense sessions, and yet, not a tear has been shed. Nothing I did caused more than a grunt, groan or gasp. It was frustrating for me, because I was able to help with all those difficult, almost insurmountable things, and I couldn't get this grown man to cry? I'm not bragging, but getting grown men to cry was easy. Effortless, even, but not Shilo. Recently, however, a light went on, and now I understand. I'm sharing this, because it might help someone else. Over the past two weeks, we have had some problems. Ugly problems. The kind of stuff that will tear apart even the best relationships. Only... well, only I have a really strict moral code, and I rarely make promises. By that, I mean, I'm not likely to say, "I promise (whatever)" I just don't do it because a promise is a HUGE thing for me. Well, I promised Shilo that I wouldn't just give up on him. I promised that I'd try to work things out with him no matter what happened, and that leaving was not an option. Like I said, things had gotten ugly, and I was at the end of my emotional rope. I had given everything and it wasn't good enough. He was unable (unwilling?) to see that he had ripped me open and gutted me, and that I needed some compassion. I'm human, and I need Love too. It was at that point, where I was sobbing, that the light went on. He is unable to truly empathize with others when it comes to sorrow or sadness. Love? He has it down pat, but emotional pain? It's blocked. I finally realized why, and it's a very personal reason, but he associated it with a weakness, and he essentially built a wall around himself. He "shuts down" and is unable to feel, and I finally saw his insensitivity to my pain, even after I explained it to him. I could see that he was trying so very hard to understand, but he had no reference point. I remembered a conversation I had with his mom when we visited his parents last week, and I finally understood why. Now comes the hard part. I confronted him. Not in an accusing way, but in a compassionate way. I told him what he needed to hear. He's not going to cry. Not until he learns that it's okay to feel sadness, sorrow and anguish and that expressing it is not a sign of weakness, but strength. Only he can open those floodgates, but he needs to be aware that it's okay to do so. For now though, I will wait patiently.

The Care And Feeding Of A Slave

Congratulations! You have a brand new slave! Or... maybe an older one, or maybe one with a little or a lot of experience. At any rate, you now have a a slave. So, now what? This handy dandy guide will tell you all you need to know.

Wouldn't it be nice (great, wonderful) to have one of those? Unfortunately, it doesn't really exist, and my life experience tells me that we're all different with different needs. Still, it would be helpful. Imagine knowing a slave's real temperament before you allow them into your life.Wouldn't that be nice?  Because, face it: In any relationship, especially the beginning, we all try our best to show our good side. Well, there are exceptions, but I think we all have our public persona and our private one. I also think that once we are comfortable with someone, we are more likely to 'let loose.' I know that it wasn't until just recently that Shilo saw me on a bad day. It wasn't because I was hiding it from him, it was because they are a rare occurrence, and, even though I told him about them, he wasn't really prepared when it happened. Was it his fault? No... Was it my fault? Not really... I mean, I couldn't have predicted the reaction I had. Either way, now he knows. The same goes for me. Shilo has said and done things that I've been at a loss to deal with. I could have lived apart from him for several years and not known some of these things. It was only because we live in the same house that I found out. BUT... It's okay. I Love him and accept him just as he is. The things he does, the way he is, is uniquely him, and I am uniquely me.

So, even though I don't have a guidebook, or a way of predicting all his behavior, I do understand Shilo, and, when I'm befuddled by him, all I can do is ask or wait for an answer. I try to pay attention to his many desires. I talk to him, I LOVE him, even when I'm hurt or (on very rare occasions) angry. I try to see things from his point of view. I give as much affection as I can. I call "Bullshit" when necessary, and I remind him that this is the path he chose, and that he wasn't forced or coerced into it. I use behavior modification to help him with stumbling-blocks, and I am his cheerleader. I shower him with all the affection I can muster, and I also pepper him with the occasional frustrated, not-so-nice thoughts I am having regarding him. I put up with the stubbornness, and I give him the discipline he desires, and, on very rare occasion, I punish him (only twice so far) because he needs and deserves it.

My journey is not your journey, and my ways are not your ways. I can be a very severe Mistress when needed, but I am also open-hearted and kind, and I do my best to not hand out more than a person can take. Shilo? He will tell you himself that I am not cruel or abusive to him. He enjoys (longs for) the beatings I give him, and, other than the punishments, I've never pushed him too far. I know him, his body, his reactions. I will never intentionally cause him harm. The only thing I'm learning now is his mind, his thought processes, and what and why and how he acts the way he does when he does.  The learning curve... His predictable unpredictability. I Love him, this man, my slave, my lover, my husband. If I wrote a guide, all it would say is "Love your slave, the rest will work out."

House Rules

House Rules???!!! Yes... House Rules!

Let's go back a bit... After 9+ years of being with Stitch, I married my slave of only a few months, Shilo, in September. We "officially" moved into a house that I purchased on October 1st. One thing briefly discussed was "House Rules" because we all knew there would be adjustments, and face it: Shilo likes guidelines and order of some sort, and I can occasionally be a control freak. Ours is a match made in Heaven (or hell, depending on your perspective) So, it was discussed and tabled, other than the fact that we decided that a c/o (clothing optional) would make things easier. Mostly because I hate clothing (unless I'm cold) and Sunshine detests getting dressed. That decided, we all went our own ways. If course, we encountered a few (more than a few) instances where things would happen, and I'd have to figure out how to deal with them, or perhaps I'd get used to things being as certain way, and then someone would change things up, much to my disappointment. If I like something, or how it's done, I might say I like it the first go round, but I figure that is enough. Stitch needs constant positive reinforcement, and Shilo has a mind of his own. Neither attribute is bad, but it can often cause confusion. So, once again, House Rules have come up. Also, in light of some of the events of the weekend, General Rules, or at least a list, has come up.

I'm a lazy perfectionist, meaning that if I feel I can't accomplish a task, I won't try it. Fear of failure? Yeah, a little bit. But I can also be stubborn, and expect things to just be the way I want it. What's a girl to do? Make up written rules. A list of sorts... Fortunately, Shilo is obsessive with lists and note-taking, so I can have him handle most of those things. All I have to do is make them and write them down, or just tell him, and Shilo will organize them into whatever category they belong to. Some of them will just be repeats of my desires. I will occasionally have a blog entry titled "House Rules" with a list of whatever rules I think are needed.Shilo will be responsible for categorizing them and putting them into a blog .

RULES:

 All household members will wear underwear that covers their bottoms when going to bed. Sexual activity is the exception to this rule.

On mornings after work, Shilo will only come into my presence after he has showered, and present himself naked, and ask for permission to enter my bed.

Sunshine will be treated like an innocent child at all times. Nudity is allowed, but no sexual activity will be allowed. She is to let both Shilo and/or Stitch
 know when she is "out" and not try to trick them into thinking she is me. Any inappropriate behavior by Shilo or Stitch in her presence will result in disciplinary action.

My health (physical/mental) will not be shared with anyone outside the Polycule/Pack without my express permission. Emails to family members about my health will be discussed before hitting SEND

Sunshine is to be protected at all times. You will not tell others about her without her or my permission. It should be either my decision or hers if we want others to know about her/us. To do otherwise causes her great distress.

Shilo will always be naked (socks optional) for beatings, discipline and/or punishment.

Any public profile relationship status changes must be approved by me before putting them in place.

Whenever Shilo addresses me, he will maintain normal eye contact unless told otherwise.

NOTES:

Punishment and Discipline measures are not specifically discussed in rules, mostly because I often have the internal debate as to which I should use at any given time.

Ugliness AKA: The Woman ALWAYS Knows

This will not be easy to put into words. Don't get me wrong, I can be very eloquent when speaking in public, and I'd like to think I have a gift for expressing myself using the written word. No, this is difficult because what happened today was ugly. It was necessary, but it was a situation I never imagined I'd find myself in. Today I punished Shilo. It was not my pleasure to do it, and, if all goes well, it will never happen again.

Some Background: I am a non-smoker. I started smoking when I was about 12, and quit when I was 17. I'm now 52. That makes about 35 years of not smoking. I've come to detest the odor of cigarettes and I avoid smokers in general. When it comes to smokers, my nose is very sensitive. It may have been several hours since you (whoever you may be) had a cigarette, but I can smell it. Yes, my nose is that sensitive. I once had a play partner who was a smoker. I had no idea until he was nearly naked and I was beginning to stroke his back in preparation for a light flogging. By the time I finished with him, all I wanted to do was go home and shower. In fact, I cut our scene short because the stench made me sick. Smokers are a hard limit.

Enter Shilo: He was different. I knew he was a smoker before I ever played with him. I was even reluctant to get entangled with him because he was a smoker, so I was cautiously friendly, but not so nice that he got any idea that I was interested in him. In an early note to him, when I first offered to play with him, I wrote:

"I do hope we get along well though, if only so you don't have to worry about finding someone to play with, and it would allow me to hone my skills on someone who actually enjoys being beaten. I get the idea that you are not fragile or breakable, and that in itself makes me happy.

I know you are a smoker (a BIG no-no in my personal preferences) but you don't stink of cigarettes, so that's why I made the offer now instead of when I first met you. I wanted to be friendly so you felt comfortable and welcome, but not so friendly that you thought I was coming on to you. Yeah, I'm weird like that."

 I was honest with him from the beginning. At our first play date, things went well, and the rest is history. When he expressed an interest in smoking cessation, I offered to help, and after we got engaged, he expressed a desire to be smoke-free in time for the wedding. I assisted and encouraged  him in doing this, and constantly gave positive feedback. I was so proud of him, and his parents were so very proud of him also. It was really nice to not smell cigarettes on his clothes when he held me, and kissing him was a pleasure.

Fast-forward to a few weeks ago.... One morning he leaned in to kiss me before his morning shower, and I smelled cigarettes. I jokingly said "Shilo, have you been smoking?" He denied it, and said that maybe it was because his jacket had been in his car, and his car still smelled of cigarettes. I accepted it, because I wanted to believe it. I wanted to believe him.Shortly after that day, he got into the habit of only entering my bedroom after he was freshly showered and naked. I kind of liked that... only.... only.... well.... sometimes he smelled of cigarettes. Actually, most of the time. It got to the point that I was no longer laughing about it. He accused his co-workers of smoking in the office, and said maybe that was why he smelled. I wasn't really satisfied with it, but what could I do? I saw no evidence of him smoking, and he was using his e-cigs around me, so I continued to believe him. Well, until early yesterday (11-6) I did.  I woke up not feeling well, so I showered, put on my footie jammies, and went back to bed.  As was his habit, he came in freshly showered, hair washed, etc. I told him I wasn't feeling well, and reassured him it was me and not Sunshine. He leaned over me to kiss me, and I stopped him. "Are you sure you aren't smoking?" He once again denied it, and accused his co-worker. I said, "I'd believe you, but that odor is coming from inside you." Again he denied it.  Well, I figured since I was sick, maybe I imagined that the odor was so strong. I told him I'd be staying where I was because my bed in his room is too far away from the bathroom. He reluctantly agreed and went to bed alone.

Later in the morning, Sunshine was playing on the computer, and he came in to ask me a favor, but he wound up asking her instead. He knew it was her, and he cave explicit instructions. She did as she was told, but was unable to do it because he gave her the wrong code. She went to tell him, and he was asleep and coughing. The room definitely reeked like a smoker's room, and she woke him up to tell him that he gave her the wrong code. He said he'd send it to her, and he rolled over. Eventually, she got bored with the game she was playing, and she let me out. Shilo was coughing loudly in his sleep. I walked to his room and listened. I knew he wasn't sick, so I stood at his doorway some more, and decided that I had enough reason to search his car. I felt guilty as I took his keys off the hook in the hallway, but I figured if I was wrong (and I was hoping I was wrong) I'd confess to not trusting him and apologize. Yes, I'm his Mistress, but I feel if I'm wrong, I owe it to him to admit my mistakes. I went through the garage and into the driveway, and unlocked his car. The stench in his car was unmistakable and unbearable. He had recently smoked in the car. There was no doubt in my mind. I opened the area where he used to keep his cigarettes, and there was an open pack. Yes, I was angry, but, more than anything, I was hurt. I felt betrayed. Shilo lied to me! I'm his wife and Mistress, and he deliberately lied! I gave him chances, many chances, to admit that he was smoking, I even asked him, and if he had told me, confessed, I would have been hurt, yes, but not really angry. I thought for a minute. Do I take the cigarettes and say nothing, or do I confront him? What could I do? Was a stern lecture what he needed, or was severe punishment in order? I knew a spanking would be a waste of time and energy. He enjoys them. I decided that in keeping with our new agreement that a severe punishment was in order. I dreaded doing it, because I knew it would hurt me as well,  but he needed a lesson firmly embedded, and he needed to  see the hurt and disappointment in my eyes. I put the pack of cigarettes in my pocket, and slowly and quietly walked into his room.

TRIGGER WARNING:

The explanation of the following events may be too traumatic for some readers. Read at your own risk!

I climbed onto the bed, and sat on his chest, knowing that the sudden weight would awaken him abruptly. Confused, he smiled at me, like he was expecting some sort of D/s play. I honestly don't remember what I said at that point, but I called him a liar, and showed him the open pack of cigarettes. His face went from happy and smiling to pale. He knew he had been caught. I told him to go into the bathroom and get naked. I followed behind him. Once he was naked, I told him to get in to the bathtub and lay down. He sat up inside the tub, and I yelled at him  to lay down. I turned on the faucet at cold, and sprayed his reclining body with the cold water, telling him he was cold-hearted in not being honest with me. I turned off the water, and told him to stay. I went into the bedroom and took off my clothes, and went back into the bathroom. I walked into the tub, and told him to close his eyes and I forcefully relieved myself on his face and chest. When I finished, I told him he was a piece of shit, floating in a toilet, he started gagging, so I made him sit up, and I helped him stand in the tub and told him to shower. I told him he was lucky that all I did was urinate, because earlier in the day, any urinating resulted in me defecating as well. While he showered and washed his urine soaked hair, I crushed the 15 cigarettes and put them in hot water that I  warmed in the microwave and made cigarette tea. When  he was all cleaned up, I told him to sit down and drink. He drank about half of it, and I took it away and told him to kneel. He kneeled, facing the door. I told him  to kneel facing the toilet, because I knew what was going to happen. As I got into the shower to wash up my urine from my legs and feet, he began to vomit into the toilet. At no time during this did I laugh or smile or feel joy. I loathed what I was doing, and I fought back tears. He needed to learn a lesson, and that lying to me, especially after being given chances to confess would not be tolerated. I told him to wash his face and brush his teeth, and I had him follow me into the bedroom. We laid under a blanket both of us naked, and we talked about what happened. Our feelings, and I gently stroked his back, and told him how much I Love him, and my reasoning for the punishment, and he admitted that he felt it was justified. We slept in each other's arms till about 3:30, and then I sent him to his room so I could finish up a project.

I drove him to work, and will pick him up in a few hours. Then we leave to visit his parents in MS to spend his birthday there.