Originally on my Fetlife Page.
Specifically emotional needs. We all have them. I'm learning that ignoring them isn't good, and it adds to my pain. This is an attempt to put it all in one place because I really am a scattered person, and if I don't anchor soon, I will be swallowed by the crashing waves.
It
would be easy to say I need Love. The problem for me is that I view
Love as an umbrella. It's what you see, but it covers so many things,
and I'm more inclined to break it down into bite size pieces. This is
my attempt to break it down. In no particular order.
Touch:
I'm not talking sex. Better a hug that makes me feel safe. Touching
my hands, arms, shoulders and face. (with permission of course,
unless we're close) The one thing this year has taught me is that I'm
touch starved. It took a horrible breakup and new relationship with
someone that sees right through me to make this clear. The first time
I heard it, I wanted to fight, I wanted to argue, and call him a
liar. He may be a lot of things, but he's not a liar, and he was
right. Thanks to him, I'm no longer in starvation mode, but I can say
that I'm still hungry.
Understanding:
Really listening to my words, body language, and verbal cues. Reading
between the lines. I'm very expressive. Yes, I've had people tell me
that I "speak in parables" but it's my understanding that
Jesus spoke in parables so only the ones meant to understand would. I
couldn't be more clear right now.
Affection:
Yes, touch is a part of it, but only a small part. Words also play a
part in this. Not only in what is said, but how it is said. While my
vocabulary hasn't increased in volume that much, I will say that
there are words that "soften" me now that didn't before.
It's all in the tone and usage. Experimenting and using those words
on me has the same effect as a reward in my brain. The positive
effect leaves me feeling good. Still, it's easy to "break"
me.
Communication:
Talk to me. Tell me what you are feeling, and also how I can make
things better, whether it's just listening, a hug, or even assistance
in problem-solving. I know that I prefer to just be heard, but if
there's a different way you want a response let me know. My
preferences (in order) are face-to-face, phone, email, notes and
text. I have to really like/love you to text. Mostly because
an actual conversation is faster. I do have a few people who I
actually dread reading their texts. Please don't be "that
person."
Comfort:
This is another complex thing. It comes in many flavors. Touch,
words, food, even a look from across a room or a table. That look of
recognition, the sometimes shy smile. Looks like that can melt me in
an instant. The nonverbal 'conversations' that only we understand.
Sometimes just knowing what it means will keep me warm.
Kindness:
Being cruel is so easy, but being kind in the face of difficulty
takes only a little more effort. Smiling instead of frowning, trying
to show some compassion, offering to help, and actually doing it.
That last one can be as easy as making a specific offer, or even
asking. No, I don't need any help. I just thought I'd add it because
it's a good thing to keep in mind for others.
Routine:
Okay, I'll admit it: I live a very unscheduled life, but planned
activities and outings keep me feeling adjusted. Knowing that unless
the world ends, or there's an emergency, or I'm sick, I'll be having
dinner with some friends every Friday night is comforting. That's
just one example, but it's a good one.
Honesty:
Yes, even the "hurtful" things. The unadulterated unedited
truth. My closest relationships are based on it. Does that dress look
ugly on me? Tell me! I don't want to go out wearing it if it's
unflattering. Especially if we are close, I expect feedback. Mostly
though, I want to know what's on your mind, why you feel how you
feel, and if you can tell me what you really did last
week with that mystery person. I'll give it back to you as well.
What I Don't Need
Criticism:
Especially if it doesn't come with specific ways to make things
better. My desire is to be a positive influence and be helpful. (It
doesn't mean I'm subservient at all. It's just how I am)
Extended
Silence: I don't mean quiet time. I enjoy my quiet time. I mean a
complete lack of communication. It plays on my abandonment issues.
Anger:
Specifically, unresolved anger. Talking about what is causing the
anger and working out a solution, agreeing to disagree, or using
mediation is better. Sometimes there is no solution, but deciding how
to handle those things is important.
Abandonment:
Whether "ghosting," disappearing for extended periods, or
just not trying to work with me. Better to just tell me so I can work
it out in my head. Yes, I know that things come to an end, but
discussing things liker adults make it so much easier.
Abuse:
Whether it's verbal, emotional, or physical. Need I say more?
I'll
stop here. I think it covers the important (to me) stuff.
Thank
you for reading this. Thank you also to the people (members of my
extended polycule) who inspired me to write this.
