Can't Do It

I have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and normally, I get through it with lots of fluids, plenty of rest, and what my former Therapist (Peter Pan)  called my "secret weapon." A really great antidepressant that has minimal side effects.  Unfortunately, it's not working as well as I hoped this month, and I'm not feeling anywhere close to my best. Add that Shilo is fighting his own demons, and it multiplies.

It's making for a less-than-happy December, and if you add that December 21 will make 5 years since my Mother died unexpectedly, I'm beginning to wonder if I will get through this month without becoming a sobbing incoherent mess that hides in bed all day and night.

I'm not incapable of happy moments, and I never completely give up. After all, as the saying goes: "The Show Must Go On," and I will do my very best to do so. It's just that it's becoming a bigger and bigger struggle to do it, and I sometimes worry that it will overtake me.  The good news is that as long as I struggle and worry about it, my mental health is okay. It's when I completely give up and give in that things become dangerous. I have never given up. I just have to muddle through this the best I know how.

I am very fortunate and thankful to have Shilo and Stitch by my side, and Donna as my support animal. She really does help, even though sometimes I wish she would give me more space.
  (Donna in space)

Maybe I need a pleasant distraction. Maybe I have too much time on my hands, and finding something to do for someone else will help. Anyway, I'm up for suggestions.

Thank you for reading this.

Merry

A Pain Management Update

With everything going on I never mentioned this fun fact:


It's been about two weeks, maybe more since I stopped using edibles on a daily basis.


On Friday, February 17th I had my very first cortisone shot ever. I hope to never have a repeat. Remember that it was a desperate move to gain more range of motion (ROM). Shilo held me down as I was being injected and tears were just flowing. I rarely cry out loud. Sunshine will, but only for emotional reasons. It was not pretty. I never looked at the needle or syringe, but I've seen it done before when I was a medic in the USAF and I know the syringe is HUGE. Shilo later told me how surprised/appalled he was when he saw it. I believe he said he'd cry too.


Anyway, it worked!!! My ROM has improved significantly, and a few days after my Monday morning PT, (2-20) I decided to not use any edibles unless I really needed it, or on PT days before the PT, and other than that, only if my pain was at a 3+ (You can refer to my pain chart at: https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2016/12/field-trip-report-and-diary-12-25_25.html ) I have edibles for when I need them, and I'm happy to say that I'm no longer dependent on pain relief to function.


Yes, I still have days when I need the pain relief, and I take the minimum amount needed (usually 1 stick, rarely 2) and there are times when I want to take it and I'm not really in that much pain, so I don't take any and I "ride" through the pain and discomfort. I really feel the cannabis was helpful in getting me off the opioids when they weren't working anymore, and I was on the verge of addiction or overdosing to get enough relief.


I still have a long way to go on my PT, but I don't feel nearly as hopeless as I did. I'm also "re-training" myself to use my right hand/arm when I can. I still paddle with my left, but I manage to give Shilo a pink bottom with it. I need to start focusing on using my right arm again for that, but I still have some fear with that.


One step at a time.

The Time Is Now

I can no longer live my life the way others would want me or expect me to be. Life has ripped the last veil. Stare if you must, laugh even, but it won't change who I am.


Some will have pity and leave. There will be a few who will come and kick me and rip me to shreds, whether for their own enjoyment, or the enjoyment of others. Others, the ones who are truly able to Love me will stay, and sit by me, or even tend to my wounds. Not because of who I am, but because of who they are. Staying by someone when they have nothing left, when their veils have been ripped, their protective shell broken, and all you see is a wounded soft underbelly is Honorable. Loving them is doubly so. I'm still not sure what hurts more. Being the wounded, or caring for the wounded. I know the rewards of both, but I've only experienced one until now. Being on the other side is uncharted territory, and showing my wounds, as ugly as they are, and knowing I'm powerless to heal myself without the time and patience of others has been humbling.


I'd like to think that in spite of the mess I must be, I'm in the healing stage. It doesn't stop people from kicking me or cutting me, but I'm no longer crying for mercy when they do it. I'm feeling defiant, not fighting them, but wondering out loud if that's the best they can do. Goading them on. I see them for who they really are. Bullies. Not Sadists. A Sadist will cut me and give me time to heal, or will at least check on me before making the next cut. Bullies kick and cut without rhyme or reason, and don't care if you'll be around. They don't tend to wounds. A Sadist will be patient. Tending to my wounds because it's become a game. I respect that. A Sadist won't purposely kill you. The aim of the bully is to be the victor. "I killed (person)" or "Look how powerful I am. I won."


Did someone call me a self-serving masochist? Really???!!! Like anyone would gleefully be exposed, beaten down to nothing, and left to die willingly? No. That is not masochism, that is insanity! My defiance isn't masochism, and even though it might appear to be insanity, I know that in order for me to get strong again, I will have to push myself. Go beyond what I feel I can handle in order to stand on my own, or in this case, stand with the Ones who Love me, who are Honorable, and who understand that this ugly wounded mess is a Warrior, and will be a Warrior once again.


I could have suffered in silence and gone into hiding when I saw the writing on the wall. We've all done that. I've done that, but you reach a point in your life where you can't keep running and hiding. When you realize that talking about your pain and maybe even showing it's ugly side will finally heal you. When you're exposed and crushed and crawling in the dirt that's become mud from all the blood you've shed.


God knows I've suffered losses in every part of my life. I've fought the demons of Fear and Insecurity, and in spite of all that, I never gave up, but sometimes you have to stop and breathe. I didn't give up.

Listen, did you hear that? I'm breathing.

Touch me. Did you feel that? It's my heart beating.

My eyes are open. Do you know what I see? I didn't think so. Only the blind run and hide. I'm not blind anymore. I see things as they are. Yes, I'm a mess, but I see that light at the end of the tunnel, and this time, I'm pretty sure it's someone else with a flashlight and not a train getting ready to run me down.


Can I be your flashlight?

Overdue Stuff and Emotional Plea

Superbowl Sunday, I had my MRI. After making sure I was heavily drugged, Shilo sent me off with my Boyfriend, who really deserves a better title, and his girlfriend (and many other things besides) . While he drove, we giggled and talked. I'm going to repeat it again: I am so lucky to have her as a metamour. She is a wonderful caring person, and we have quite a bit in common. I can't wait to see her again! Enough gushing!


The following day, I started my PT at the new place. I had gone 3 weeks without, and I definitely felt the difference because I had lost some progress. The machines were killing me, but I was really excited to be back on them.


I think I mentioned before that the agent who purchased the house is assisting us in finding a place. Well, we went there on Saturday morning (2-11), and on the way, we were informed that escrow closes March 1, and they would like us out by then. We were not prepared for that, and it put me in a panic. We moved into this house with the belief that it would be our "forever" home. None of us like moving, and I've moved three times since my mother died in December 2012. Having a short deadline only put more pressure on me.


It's really nice, but because it's a (newly remodeled) Townhouse, there's not nearly as much room as the House. Still, I can't complain. It's about 3 miles North of my childhood home on the same street. It's also centrally located, and within walking distance of a grocery store and the mall. I really am excited about the possibilities. PLUS, we can keep Donna Dawg-Lass and my cat Tsunami. What's sad was that we had to vote on the other cats. We were all in tears about having to vote, but we can't have 5 cats, one of which doesn't get along with the others, and another in poor health. Our former boarder is coming to get the disagreeable one, and we discussed euthanizing the sick one. That would leave us with 3 cats and a dog. Still one cat too many. He's an indoor/outdoor cat, so he would be hard to keep hidden, so we found someone to take him, but now they can't take him, and I'm heartbroken. I can't send him to the pound. He's a black cat, and they don't typically get adopted. I'll put more information at the end of this entry.


Shilo and myself also discussed it and decided to borrow money against my CD that has the last little bit of my inheritance left. We didn't take it lightly either, because the last thing we need right now is to owe more money, but we needed money to move. A lower amount was approved than what we asked for, but it's enough to pay the moving expenses and take care of other necessities. At least, I think it is.


Sunday evening, the three of us went to a long-awaited wedding of my Maid of Honor and Shilo's Best Man. We got to catch up with a few friends from the Hollywood Spanking Group, so it was extra nice. A little-known fact is that we got engaged at a Hollywood Spanking Group party. It was wonderful to see so much Love in one place.


Then came "Verdict Day" my appointment with the Ortho doctor. He told me my best option was to get a cortisone shot and continue with PT. I get my first shot on Friday morning. Ask me if I'm excited. No, I'm not excited. Not one bit! I'm scared. Like so afraid that I'm going to have to be drugged just so I can get through it.


Later in the day, I went to PT. After I finished my prescribed exercises I told the young man in charge of my case that I wasn't feeling challenged enough. That was really difficult to say, because it's not like I enjoy the pain and crying, but I want to regain my independence, and it won't happen unless I'm pushed a little harder. He sat me on a chair and pushed me while tears streamed down my face. He'd ease up, and then push harder. My muscle tone is so bad that without him holding me in position, my arm flopped down. I used to be so strong, I could lift and carry 100 pounds of dead weight, and yes, I can carry about 10 pounds now, and when this first happened, I couldn't lift a fork, so I've improved, but it's depressing. Talk about baby steps! Before I left I told him about the cortisone shot on Friday, so he told me to not exert myself or do my exercises over the weekend, and we'd start fresh on Monday morning (2-20)


I won't discuss what Shilo did at the bank on Monday afternoon, but he definitely deserved the lecture I gave him. He was finally remorseful Tuesday morning. He will be "paying" for his behavior for at least a few more days.

AND FINALLY, A REQUEST FOR HELP

I have 2 black cats, male, born in March 2014. I love them dearly, but I cannot keep them because I'm losing my home. The people who were supposed to take them changed their minds, and time is running out. Fran is very sweet and friendly and prefers the freedom of going outdoors on occasion. He likes other cats and dogs as well. He's never been around children, so I won't vouch for that, but I'm asking if any of you can help me with finding him a home, I would appreciate it. Please inbox me.

A Female Dominant's Strength

Here was the challenge:

Dominas everywhere, show us your power and take over Fetlife,... and dedicate it around or to the best womanly representation of Strength you can find.

Yes, I removed a large portion of that sentence, but WTF???!!!


Here was my answer, and I'm sharing it because I need to see my own words to remind myself:


My opinion (and only my opinion) is that the beauty of a woman's strength is that it doesn't need a display. Why do we "need" to show it and put it on display? It just 'is', and as such, requires no show or depiction. I'm my strongest when I appear to be vulnerable to others. Being able to share my ugly and less-than-stellar moments are a huge part of my strength. Apologizing when I'm wrong and admitting it shows my strength. Being unafraid to share my failures and take responsibility for them shows my strength. Taking ridicule from others who can't possibly fathom my situation shows my strength. Allowing myself to cry and having Shilo (or Stitch, or both of them) hold me as I do so shows my strength. I don't have to wear my boots, or crack a whip, or wield a cane to prove myself as a Dominant. I don't have to yell or be loud or act rude to be Dominant either. Many times it's a mere whisper that shows my Dominance. A "please" or "thank you", or even my politest sounding orders show it.


Don't call me Domina, or Goddess,or any other feminine sounding title. I don't need it. Just call me Merry, and stop looking so hard. I'm right here in plain sight, and I don't want or need your rally cry to show myself. I'd rather just sit quietly and smile as I observe others go to ridiculous lengths to 'prove' themselves.

One Week Ago

Let me start by saying that this wasn't a horrible week at all; however, the rain and cold has made me stiff and uncomfortable. I committed myself to only use/take edibles between the hours of 8AM to 5PM so I could avoid adverse interactions between it and my current medications. I also avoid edibles when I see my Ortho doctor, so he can see where my pain level is and my abilities without the benefit of pain relievers. Enough background.


I saw my Ortho doctor a week ago (Monday morning) and presented him with the report from my Physical Therapist. Because of my new coverage, seeing him was only $10 vs. $60, so that was a plus. The x-rays he took showed just a faint line where the break on the ball area of my humerus was, and a slightly bumpy area where the break between my elbow and shoulder was. The bone healed nicely in spite of the severity of it. I consider that a plus. Unfortunately, my inability to use my right arm properly due to the frozen shoulder and possible nerve damage still means I have a long recovery ahead. Options were discussed.


Did I mention that I have come to hate the term/word "Options?" Options used to be a nice word. Coffee or tea? Cake or pie? Cook dinner or go out? Walk or drive? Nowadays, Options consist of choosing the least disagreeable choice of two unpleasant choices. Do we stick in a long needle and give me a cortisone injection, or do we go in and do arthroscopic surgery and break up the scar tissue? Honestly, neither one sounds fun, but the chicken in me likes the idea of getting the surgery done. I'm already in pain, so the idea of being "out" while it gets fixed once and for all just seems more pleasant. I've been told that cortisone injections are the preferred method, but I'm more scared of the needle than being cut open. The first few days and weeks after the accident I was in so much pain that I was screaming in pain and crying constantly. I don't go into hysterics, the tears just keep rolling down. I'm a silent crier. It's a way of self-preservation for me. If I'm not heard, I can't be found (Don't ask) Sunshine will sob loudly, but not me. Yeah, so those are the ugly options.


Not so fast! Before either of the options can be done, I will need an MRI and more PT. Because of the new coverage, I don't know how long it will be until the MRI or PT will be scheduled, but I'm not holding my breath. It seems it all has been a case of hurry up and wait. In the meantime, I see my GP for a routine visit this afternoon. It should be fun. I'll try to be better about my updates.