If you're confused, please read the following first:
https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2017/02/gangbangs-and-other-things-that-go-bump.html
So, are we all caught up now? Good!!!
When I wrote "Gangbangs and Other Things That Go BUMP! In The Night" it was my way of mentally processing everything that had been discussed, and also to make it clear that my experience, while vast to some, was barely scratching the surface, and that I wanted to admit my ignorance in some areas of the sexual realm. I also wanted to share that I'm not perfect, and I had misjudged some sexual practices out of ignorance and preconceived notions. I'm not into using 'slut shaming' for my brothers, sisters and others who enjoy tasting out of the more hedonistic menu. I even admitted that I had tasted out of the more hedonistic menu at times, but I had resisted some things, based solely on the name of those items without actually trying them. I admitted to stopping keeping count of sexual partners from my past. Not necessarily out of shame, but more from realizing how inconsequential many of them had been. I know how many people Shilo has been with (about 5) and how many women Stitch has been with (I'm #3) I believe my Boyfriend has been with several inconsequential people as well, and I don't care about the number. To me, the only one who "counts" is the woman I consider to be his Primary. Yes, I know about the ex-wife and etc. but please allow me my peace of mind. Anyway, I admit to having many NSA relationships when I was younger.
When I began dating Stitch in 2004, I was damaged from a recent crime that put me into full-blown PTSD and I was afraid of my own shadow. It unfortunately wasn't my first experience, and PTSD really can suck the life and joy out of you. He was slow and patient with me. I told him about my submissive and explained that my BDSM practices had nothing to do with sex. We made an agreement on my Polyamory that was my idea and stuck to it. Yes, we've altered it over the years to include certain others like Shilo and the Boyfriend (The Boyfriend really does deserve a better Title, doesn't he?) but the basics are still there regarding how I go about adding others, meeting Stitch (and now Shilo as well) and my purposely complicated approval process for sexual partners that I made up for my emotional protection. Just under our 2 year dating mark, the Boyfriend told me he wanted to jump through those hoops. I admire him for his perseverance. Did I mention that his Primary was the one who encouraged him to do so? She's a real gem, and I'm happy to have her in my life.
NSA sex (intercourse) with men was a part of my long ago past, but that was long ago. I officially kissed it goodbye when I made that agreement with Stitch, although it had been a long while since I actually did it by the time I was dating Stitch. In fact, I dated him for 10 months before we actually "did the deed." Like I wrote above, I was damaged. I think that we're all caught up now.
So in the early morning hours of Tuesday, February 7th, I completed my blog "Gangbangs and Other Things That Go BUMP! In The Night." I had a snack, and since Shilo works modified graves, I called him at work to tell him I had written something and that I wanted feedback. He surprised me by telling me that he had already finished reading it. I started to ask him how he felt about it, completely forgetting that he wasn't alone. We agreed to discuss it in the morning when he came home, and we discussed it for what felt like a long time, and he finally stopped me by telling me his views on me and sex. Below is the "Reader's Digest" Edition:
It blew my mind. I had been so totally worried about this, my head all tied up in knots over what I thought his reaction would be, and instead he wound up reassuring me. That didn't last very long though, because the sneaky asshole (and I mean it in the nicest way possible) decided to talk to Stitch about it while driving him home in the afternoon without even asking or informing me of his intentions. In other words, I was ambushed!!! I was not pleased! Yes, I know that if Shilo hadn't done this, it would have just sat in the back of my mind. Shilo can be a real instigator, much like a yappy dog nipping at my ankles. He gets things done, whether I like it or not.
I glowered at Shilo knowing that I was going to be giving him what was as of that moment, a well-deserved spanking before he left for work. No doubt he will argue whether or not it was deserved, but he got it anyway.
Shilo decided to go back to bed so I could talk to Stitch, who was teasing me mercilessly over this thing, and I was totally unprepared. I decided that the best thing I could do was show him the blog entry so he could read it and then ask questions.That's not what happened. Instead, he told me he was okay with it. I stopped him and told him he has no say in it. What??? No say???!!! Why???
Why would Shilo have a say in this and not Stitch? I told Stitch he unknowingly gave up his right when he decided at his 60th Birthday nearly 2 years ago to stop all sexual contact with me.
This is where the healing comes into play. I know what I told Stitch was cruel and unfeeling, but he needed to know what I felt. He rejected me. He treated me like I was no longer the woman he desired. Love is wonderful, yes, but merely telling me that he Loves me isn't enough. He's not impotent. He just stopped approaching me for sex. I'm a woman, I want to feel desired. I need to feel desirable. It was like he was throwing me to the wolves. Until my relationship with Stitch is on track, I cannot in good conscience engage in intercourse with other men, especially in an NSA way. I reminded him that he will probably statistically live another 20 years, and then I asked him if he wanted to spend it with me. I knew the answer, but I needed to hear it.
This isn't about sex at all. It's about Love and Respect for your Partner. It's about communication. It's not a complaint, it's a knock upside his head. A taste of reality. He/We need to work on our fucked-up relationship. He has to make an effort. Otherwise I will only be filled with guilt. I place value on my relationships. I haven't given him a deadline. I know I can't "force" him to do something he doesn't want to do, but my sincere hope is that he really Loves me and truly desires me. I promised him years ago that I'd never leave him and that I would always take care of him as long as I was alive. I told Shilo that before we got emotionally involved. Shilo accepted Stitch, Stitch accepted Shilo. Now it's time for Stitch to make that commitment to me.
Does this mean that I will never have sex with Shilo or the Boyfriend? I didn't say that. Those relationships are established. There's no need for them to be adjusted. Does this mean I won't start another intimate relationship with a male out of my extended polycule? Pretty much! Does this mean that I'll never experience a gangbang? I don't know. A whole bunch of that depends on what Stitch decides to do. Besides, right this moment, it's in the thinking stage. Even if things were perfect, it may or may not happen.
Slow tiny baby steps.
So, are we all caught up now? Good!!!
When I wrote "Gangbangs and Other Things That Go BUMP! In The Night" it was my way of mentally processing everything that had been discussed, and also to make it clear that my experience, while vast to some, was barely scratching the surface, and that I wanted to admit my ignorance in some areas of the sexual realm. I also wanted to share that I'm not perfect, and I had misjudged some sexual practices out of ignorance and preconceived notions. I'm not into using 'slut shaming' for my brothers, sisters and others who enjoy tasting out of the more hedonistic menu. I even admitted that I had tasted out of the more hedonistic menu at times, but I had resisted some things, based solely on the name of those items without actually trying them. I admitted to stopping keeping count of sexual partners from my past. Not necessarily out of shame, but more from realizing how inconsequential many of them had been. I know how many people Shilo has been with (about 5) and how many women Stitch has been with (I'm #3) I believe my Boyfriend has been with several inconsequential people as well, and I don't care about the number. To me, the only one who "counts" is the woman I consider to be his Primary. Yes, I know about the ex-wife and etc. but please allow me my peace of mind. Anyway, I admit to having many NSA relationships when I was younger.
When I began dating Stitch in 2004, I was damaged from a recent crime that put me into full-blown PTSD and I was afraid of my own shadow. It unfortunately wasn't my first experience, and PTSD really can suck the life and joy out of you. He was slow and patient with me. I told him about my submissive and explained that my BDSM practices had nothing to do with sex. We made an agreement on my Polyamory that was my idea and stuck to it. Yes, we've altered it over the years to include certain others like Shilo and the Boyfriend (The Boyfriend really does deserve a better Title, doesn't he?) but the basics are still there regarding how I go about adding others, meeting Stitch (and now Shilo as well) and my purposely complicated approval process for sexual partners that I made up for my emotional protection. Just under our 2 year dating mark, the Boyfriend told me he wanted to jump through those hoops. I admire him for his perseverance. Did I mention that his Primary was the one who encouraged him to do so? She's a real gem, and I'm happy to have her in my life.
NSA sex (intercourse) with men was a part of my long ago past, but that was long ago. I officially kissed it goodbye when I made that agreement with Stitch, although it had been a long while since I actually did it by the time I was dating Stitch. In fact, I dated him for 10 months before we actually "did the deed." Like I wrote above, I was damaged. I think that we're all caught up now.
So in the early morning hours of Tuesday, February 7th, I completed my blog "Gangbangs and Other Things That Go BUMP! In The Night." I had a snack, and since Shilo works modified graves, I called him at work to tell him I had written something and that I wanted feedback. He surprised me by telling me that he had already finished reading it. I started to ask him how he felt about it, completely forgetting that he wasn't alone. We agreed to discuss it in the morning when he came home, and we discussed it for what felt like a long time, and he finally stopped me by telling me his views on me and sex. Below is the "Reader's Digest" Edition:
I Love you. I know you Love me. I know nothing will change that, and as long as you come home to me and Stitch, I'll be happy. I'm secure in our relationship, and I know that nothing will change that. Sex is just sex.
It blew my mind. I had been so totally worried about this, my head all tied up in knots over what I thought his reaction would be, and instead he wound up reassuring me. That didn't last very long though, because the sneaky asshole (and I mean it in the nicest way possible) decided to talk to Stitch about it while driving him home in the afternoon without even asking or informing me of his intentions. In other words, I was ambushed!!! I was not pleased! Yes, I know that if Shilo hadn't done this, it would have just sat in the back of my mind. Shilo can be a real instigator, much like a yappy dog nipping at my ankles. He gets things done, whether I like it or not.
I glowered at Shilo knowing that I was going to be giving him what was as of that moment, a well-deserved spanking before he left for work. No doubt he will argue whether or not it was deserved, but he got it anyway.
Shilo decided to go back to bed so I could talk to Stitch, who was teasing me mercilessly over this thing, and I was totally unprepared. I decided that the best thing I could do was show him the blog entry so he could read it and then ask questions.That's not what happened. Instead, he told me he was okay with it. I stopped him and told him he has no say in it. What??? No say???!!! Why???
Why would Shilo have a say in this and not Stitch? I told Stitch he unknowingly gave up his right when he decided at his 60th Birthday nearly 2 years ago to stop all sexual contact with me.
This is where the healing comes into play. I know what I told Stitch was cruel and unfeeling, but he needed to know what I felt. He rejected me. He treated me like I was no longer the woman he desired. Love is wonderful, yes, but merely telling me that he Loves me isn't enough. He's not impotent. He just stopped approaching me for sex. I'm a woman, I want to feel desired. I need to feel desirable. It was like he was throwing me to the wolves. Until my relationship with Stitch is on track, I cannot in good conscience engage in intercourse with other men, especially in an NSA way. I reminded him that he will probably statistically live another 20 years, and then I asked him if he wanted to spend it with me. I knew the answer, but I needed to hear it.
This isn't about sex at all. It's about Love and Respect for your Partner. It's about communication. It's not a complaint, it's a knock upside his head. A taste of reality. He/We need to work on our fucked-up relationship. He has to make an effort. Otherwise I will only be filled with guilt. I place value on my relationships. I haven't given him a deadline. I know I can't "force" him to do something he doesn't want to do, but my sincere hope is that he really Loves me and truly desires me. I promised him years ago that I'd never leave him and that I would always take care of him as long as I was alive. I told Shilo that before we got emotionally involved. Shilo accepted Stitch, Stitch accepted Shilo. Now it's time for Stitch to make that commitment to me.
Does this mean that I will never have sex with Shilo or the Boyfriend? I didn't say that. Those relationships are established. There's no need for them to be adjusted. Does this mean I won't start another intimate relationship with a male out of my extended polycule? Pretty much! Does this mean that I'll never experience a gangbang? I don't know. A whole bunch of that depends on what Stitch decides to do. Besides, right this moment, it's in the thinking stage. Even if things were perfect, it may or may not happen.
Slow tiny baby steps.
Wow, intense stuff! But even more proof why polyamory would never work for us: I couldn't keep track of it all! ;-) Having one partner to consider is enough work for me!
ReplyDeleteBut you sound like you have this under control, so I hope it all works out for you getting what you want eventually.
What I really want is for Stitch to step up to the plate and work on fixing things between us.
DeleteI have a conscience. I know right from wrong, and me doing anything concerning something that has piqued my interest is wrong in too many ways to express. I can wait. It's a curiosity, not a burning desire.
You knew that though. I am very faithful within our agreement. I fully plan on writing updates on this because it's important. My relationships are very sacred to me, and important as well. I take my commitments seriously, and I have morals, twisted as they may be.
I have no doubt that this will be an ongoing thing. Unfortunately, unlike Shilo, there's nothing I can do to fix it. Shilo has a much clearer idea of how my mind works. I don't have to give him ultimatums ultimatums