Sleepless?

I did not sleep from Friday morning to Saturday morning. In fact, I stayed up all night Friday, and did not sleep until I got on the plane on Saturday at about 11AM. My traveling companion was rather surprised to find me asleep before we even took off. What was so interesting about all this, is that she's never seen me fall asleep so quickly. I was just glad that I did not have to take my Ativan that was prescribed to me. Shilo did such a very good job of conditioning me to fall asleep on the plane, that all I had to do was wait for everybody else in my aisle to get seated. I didn't wake up until they started serving drinks. Keep in mind it was the first of 3 planes that I was scheduled to be on.

Before I forget I should mention that there was one problem. Remember my last entry, and my mention of the person who was English challenged? I believe I said that I did not think they understood me. I was correct. I was not even on the list of wheelchair customers,  so I had to wait. But that wasn't the worst of it. This next part is the worst of it. If you've ever traveled by plane into Denver, you know about the turbulence. The turbulence was so bad that I was not able to fall asleep during the landing. Also, when I got there, there was no wheelchair. When I finally did get in a wheelchair, they put us on a shuttle truck to drive us to our next gate. My companion and I only had 15 minutes until our next flight was to leave when we landed. However, instead of looking at when we needed to be at the gate, the person driving took everybody else first, leaving us to not even get on the plane until almost everybody was loaded on. Normally, I would not stress out over this, except for the fact that the plane was going to be full, and space for carry on luggage is limited. I have to have my CPAP with me on the plane and not in general luggage, and I was worried that there may not be space. Fortunately there was enough space so I calmed down. Then, there was the fun of take off. Again, Denver is a very bad place to either take off or land due to all the turbulence. I also was unfortunatly placed in an aisle seat. I cannot tell you how many people on that flight bumped into my shoulder because they weren't paying attention. I was a very very mean grouchy woman throughout that flight. I  finally did fall asleep for a very short amount of time before we landed. Again, there was very little time between flights when we landed in Chicago. The good news is that we had a wonderful young lady who not only took the time to wait with me for the next plane to load, but she was quick to get me to the right gate. My traveling companion even had enough time to get me an ice cream cone. Keep in mind that I had not eaten for well over 6 hours because of how the flights were scheduled. They were too close together for us to pick up any food, and they did not serve food on the flights. I even had to pay for the snacks if I wanted them. Needless to say, the woman at the Chicago Airport made my day better just by being so helpful and polite.

This brings me to the best part. While waiting in line for the plane to empty so we could get on, a dear friend from Oregon showed up and hugged me. It was nice to see her, and since I got on the plane first, and had eaten the ice cream cone, my mood was very pleasant. I didn't even mind the fact that I did not sit next to my traveling companion on that flight. Instead, near the end of boarding, a rather large muscular young man sat next to me. He did not put down the arm rest, so I actually had room to sit down comfortably. I was so comfortable that I was able to fall asleep before takeoff, and did not wake up until we were ready to land an hour later. I was so confused, I actually thought we were just starting to take off at the landing. There was no wheelchair to meet me at the gate, but I was just happy to finally be on land and not have to get back on another plane. The shuttle driver for the hotel was there waiting for us, which added to my happiness. Once we got checked in, we had some dinner, and I tried to go to sleep but I still could not. It was well after midnight before I finally fell asleep. I had to be up at 6:30AM so I could shower and prepare for the 9AM church service, but in spite of the short sleep cycle, I was feeling happy and refreshed. After church, there was a short Officer's meeting, and then a luncheon for International Officers. In spite of the fact that the International President is very ill and was unable to be here this week, it was fun and I was very happy to be with all the other International Officers. My term is over on the 8th and I'll go back to working on the State and local level.

After the lunch, I walked a quarter mile down the road and made some purchases at the store. I felt more winded than I should have, but I'm not sure why. When I got back, I showered and dressed for the murder mystery dinner. It wasn't what I expected. Each table picked out a toy (Sunshine immediately came out and INSISTED that she get the baby doll)  and we were given a fact sheet about our toy, and which toy disappeared. It was our job to discover who and why. Sunshine acted as the baby doll (each table's toy had ONE character and speaker) and the game began. Accusations ensued, and Sunshine did a great job, even defending her bed-wetting and sleeping through most of it. Another toy kept making fun of her, so she got up, acting like the dolly and pretended that the doll peed on the offending toy. It was hilarious! She let me stay and watch just under the surface, so I could witness the antics. (An aside to Shilo: Pictures are up on either vanilla FB or maybe official page. Not sure. Then I had ANOTHER (10PM) meeting, so by the time I got to my room, I was exhausted, but unable to sleep. I finally fell asleep, but then slept through all 3(!!!) of my alarms, waking up 15 minutes before my 8:40AM meeting with my friend, "D" who had the final goodies for a goody bag that the Southern California Officers (I'm president in Southern California) give to the International Officers. After that, there was another meeting, then rehearsals, and then I ran a meeting for those people I tried to contact last week. I contacted 100, and of those 100, only 25 got in touch with me before I left, and only 3 showed up. I'm not happy, but one of the past International Associate Presidents offered to take over recruiting for me, so I could focus on my main job for this week Needless to say, it made my life easier. There was a banquet tonight with about 200 people in attendance, and then our Informal Opening with introductions and Dignitaries. Now it's past 1AM, and I'm still awake. I need to be up at 7, and in my seat at 8:30 but I'm not sleepy. GRRRR!  P.S. The hideous dress isn't so hideous after all. I looked better than quite a few of my counterparts.

Visiting The In-Laws PART 1

Consider this part one of a multi-part blog.

I very briefly met Shilo's parents when we got married in September. Keep in mind that Shilo had only given them the bare minimum of information about me, in hopes that my "oddities"  would not be known. His goal was for them to be happy that he was happy.  My goal was to appear as Vanilla as possible,  with no skeletons in my closet. Both of us did a good job, or so we thought. Little did we know...

I'm not ashamed of Sunshine. She is a part of me, and I would not be complete without her. My only  problem is that she can be hard to explain to others. I mean, how do you explain a very precocious 7 year old girl in a 52 year old body? It's difficult in the best of circumstances. Well  like it or not, Sunshine came out during dinner tonight, and instead of "covering"  for me, Shilo decided to introduce her to them. Sunshine had  me under the surface for most of the exchange,  so I can say that she was scared that his parents would reject her, but they were very  nice about it, but asked her too many questions,  and sometimes ask Shilo things. It was an educational moment. It turns out that Shilo's mom saw her coloring book and crayons in Stitch's room before the wedding,  so she knew something wasn't quite 'right'  but she was too polite to say anything.

When I came out later, it was awkward,  but they were accepting,  especially after they were told that Shilo knew all about  me early on in our relationship,  and that he got involved with me with both eyes open. Fortunately, Shilo decided to at least keep the polyamory under wraps. I'm not quite sure how THAT would have gone over... Anyway,  time for bed and meds. Goodnight!

Back To...

Normal?
No, I wouldn't quite say that. After all, what exactly is normal, anyway? I won't bore you with my tirade against "normal".  Let's just say that things are as they should be.

Let me further explain. In the very late night hours of Friday, October 11th, Shilo signed the slave contract he had presented to me the day before. I re-read the contract, voiced my agreement, mentioning an oral agreement on the time frame for discussing things, and signed it in the wee hours of Saturday, October 12th.

Shilo then requested that I place my collar around his neck, so I had Shilo kneel in front of me, removed the collar from Dolly, and placed it around Shilo's neck. I told him it was his permanent formal collar, and that I was happy that he desired to serve me as my slave.

I am honestly and truly happy that he wants to serve me, but I also know that the events that led up to me removing my collar from Shilo's neck cannot be undone, and, most certainly, should not be forgotten. The things that were said and done affected both of us, and, as a result, we both learned, and have grown because of it. Shilo needs to think and (possibly) ask before he makes a decision that affects us, and maintain a tone of loving respect, and I need to pay attention and remain vigilant when it comes to Shilo and his attitude. No, I don't want a sycophantic robot, but I also don't want someone with a rotten attitude that will usurp authority the minute I let my guard down, either. It's fine to tell me (quietly, privately) when I'm wrong, but it's not okay to disagree or tell me how to do things in public. I expect an honest assessment/opinion when I ask, but I don't want it given with a bad attitude. I know that Shilo is a very thoughtful person, and that he will look out for my best interests.

I truly Love him, and I know this will work if we both put our minds to it, and maintain honest communication throughout it all.

Well...

It's been a difficult week for me. Acknowledging that Shilo needed a "break" from being in service to me was a bitter pill to swallow, and dealing with the accompanying mood swings (his and mine) only proved to me that the break was necessary. Please don't get me wrong.... I Love Shilo. I'm in Love with Shilo. I wouldn't have married him otherwise.

The way I see it, our marriage is strong. Our devotion is where it should be, and we are still learning, but there is so much more that we have to learn about one another. Patience is the key.

Still, seeing my (Shilo's) collar on Dolly disturbs me. My collar belongs around Shilo's neck. I know that, he knows that. We were made for each other. When I woke up early Thursday morning, he was on the bed next to me, and he said there were papers on my computer keyboard. I looked, and there was a new contract that he wrote using our previous contracts as a guideline. I was impressed. It proved that his desire to serve me is still there, but it also proved that he wasn't the same person who signed the earlier contracts, and who wanted a contract with no 'escape clause.' I get the feeling that where he was once afraid and insecure, he now knows that I will not reject him. My Love is sufficient, and he is secure.

Shilo's growth and subsequent autonomy is pleasing to me. His insecurities that held him back are gone. It is as it should be. Serving out of fear of rejection is much different than serving out of Love and Devotion, and he now serves because of the latter. I am very pleased about that, and I am very proud of him.

Anyway, back to the contract: I read through it, and after considering the changes he made, I decided to accept it. I told him I would accept his proposed contract, and now all he needs to do is sign it and present it to me for me to sign. He has not yet done so, and he still needs to ask for me to place my collar on him again. I'm not sure if or when he will do so, but serving me has to be his desire. I won't ask him to come back as my slave and serve me, because my wanting him is not enough reason, and he needs to understand that. It has to come from his heart.

So, here it is, nearly 2AM on Friday, and I can't sleep because I miss him, and he had to work an extra shift this week. I'll eventually get into bed with Stitch and sleep, but I really want Shilo with me, instead of him being at work.  This is the wife part of me, longing for his touch and warmth.

Shilo, I hope if/when you see this, you understand and know that I will wait until you are ready.