Smiling In Spite Of... (3-28-15)

NOTE: This is not a request for help, nor am I asking anyone to feel sorry for me. It's just that I sometimes have to remove the heavy load and dump it out. I've been doing it quite a bit lately, simply because it's been so heavy, and rather than going into hiding like I used to, I'm gonna drop this stuff and try to keep on moving. Life is for the living, and I'm not dead yet, so I keep on smiling.

My Household has had a very difficult 9 months. It's my job as Head to keep things running as smoothly as possible and keep a cool head when things go to shit. I'm guilty of having a soft heart (or soft head, depending on who you're asking) and I'm never ashamed to admit and apologize for my mistakes, and right them if possible. Unfortunately, there's one I cannot fix. I invited someone into my home because they were down on their luck, and if I can help a friend, then I will. This person offered to assist me with some things in exchange for staying with us, so I agreed. It was fine until this person put me in a compromising situation by getting entangled with a sub that was new to the lifestyle. I advised him as a friend to stay clear of her because she was new. He had the nerve to accuse me of being racist, so rather than argue the point, I let him go on, knowing that neither of them knew what they were doing. Let's just leave it with this: It ended badly, and I had to do damage control.
NOTE TO SUBMISSIVES/SLAVES:` Unless the Mistress/Master/Dominant is yours, you are not` obligated to obey.
NOTE TO MISTRESSES/MASTERS/DOMINANTS:` Unless they are yours, it it unreasonable and rude to expect any and every submissive or slave to follow your orders.

PERIOD!!!

I dislike shit to begin with, but I'm okay with handling mine. Cleaning up a shitstorm cause by another isn't my cup of tea. Let's just say I like to mind my own business, and getting involved with drama (oh, how I detest` that word!) that isn't mine pisses me off. Anyway, instead of sending this person on his merry way, I let him off with a lecture and a stern warning. Give him a chance, right? Then he decided to argue with Sunshine (my little) over some petty thing. Sunshine is 7 years old, and as much as I'd like to say she is well-mannered, she has issues with impulse control. After all, she's 7. I have no control over what she does. Feel free to ask either of her Daddies or Shilo if you doubt it. Still, I forgave him, and Sunshine stayed in hiding when he was around, and she started calling him "The mean man" when he wasn't around. Then, he slowly stopped doing what he agreed to do, and he wasn't investing enough time into finding employment. In the meantime, child #4 (age 25 and developmentally disabled) was having increasing problems with his epilepsy, and needed to be hospitalized for a week so he could be observed, and insurance wasn't going to cover all of it. We're still paying that off. Because I knew that we couldn't afford it, I started a clips 4 sale studio in hopes of supplementing our income so we could pay the medical bills, because I don't want people feeling sorry for me, and I'd rather work for money than take a handout. We stopped attending events for several months thinking that we'd save some money. It didn't really work, and I was sinking into a deep depression, but still wearing that smile.
PERSONAL NOTE:` Sometimes, we need the company of others who share our interests, and staying away does more damage than good.

Right about the time child #4 got out of the hospital, Shilo began having digestive issues. His doctor attributed it to stress, but it got so bad that Shilo was unable to to do do anything physical and so we stopped filming. Just before Christmas, Child #4 had a series of seizures and spent 5 days in the hospital. I'm not a (money) rich woman, and this stress was really getting to me, but I kept going, knowing that things had to eventually improve. I still hold on to that belief. Right about that time, Sunshine made an offhand suggestion to “the mean man” that he should marry his girlfriend. Then, she messaged the girlfriend, and things got ugly. Sunshine told both Stitch and Shilo that the girlfriend was mean, and Sunshine called the girlfriend an 'ungrateful cunt.' Naturally, this only caused more problems, but, in her defense, I think she was feeling my frustration and aggravation. Once more, "The mean man" argued with Sunshine in spite of being told on numerous occasions that arguing with her is completely unacceptable. I was at wit's end, and I hated myself for allowing my heart to lead. I was in a funk from not being around the people I love, and not participating in events. I realized that staying away might be saving a few dollars, but at the expense of my mental well-being. The local community had become my family after the death of my mother, and I missed it.
NOTE TO ALL:`Denying yourself of the people you care about doesn't solve anything.

On New Year's Day, I decided to not take any more shit, and I held a household meeting giving "The mean man" 7 weeks to get a job and pay towards Household expenses or move out. I also decided that I wasn't going to wallow in depression anymore, and I signed up for the LA GRUE, maxing out my last credit card. It was a small price to pay for better mental health. I smiled more, and I even laughed. Still, I knew that the medical bills (and other bills) were piling up. Shilo was still having issues, so Stitch accompanied me instead, and we provided transportation for my Mentor/other Daddy. It was a happy overwhelming (in a good way) weekend. Somehow, I contracted a "virus from hell" and spent weeks not doing anything, although I went out a few times when I was foolish enough to think I was 'better' only to have it come back with a vengeance a few days later. During the 7+ weeks I was ill, I managed to attend 3 events on nights I thought it was over. My smile was genuine, and the fact that "The mean man" managed to meet the deadline and paid part of what was requested made things a little easier. Still, it was too little too late. Bills were now not only piling up, but the hospital was getting impatient. I don't blame them, but you can't squeeze blood out of a turnip. The fact that I needed to maintain my mental health, pay the mortgage and basic utilities was overwhelming as it was. Dealing with the fact that I had a person in my home that I was beyond loathing added to the stressors, but I somehow managed to smile in spite of it all.

SOLUTION

Shilo decided to take on a second part-time job so we could catch up a little bit, and I know he'd rather spend his off time with me, but taking care of the Household is something we're all responsible for, and I've done some freelance work to help pay bills too. Our clips 4 sale site is still up, but we don't get many buyers, in spite of the “hits” we get. I'm hoping that will change soon. I recently managed to sell a few stories, and I decided that it was a reason to celebrate, so tonight I'm going out with Shilo and Stitch to a play party. Yes, it will eat up my earnings, but I managed to pay off all the utilities so they are up-to-date, and some of the pressure is off. Am I worried about the other stuff? You bet! However, I can't allow myself to get overwhelmed by it. We had to cancel a much-needed test for Shilo a few days ago because we weren't notified until the day before how much it was going to cost (too much!) and he was expected to pay for it up front. Still, I smile in spite of, because when you've reached bottom, the only way is up, and I'm not quitting.
NOTE TO ALL:` Don't quit or give in when things are rotten, try to learn from the mistakes of others, and smile in spite of it all, cause there's always someone worse off than you are.

Just An Update

Things are working out well with Sherman. He gets along well with both Stitch and Shilo, and Shilo was the one I was most concerned about, because he had only heard tidbits about Sherman up until he moved in here. It's also feeling more "permanent" because we now have his dog here in addition to his belongings.

Sherman has also proven that he knows his way around the kitchen, and has made dinner for us (Stitch and me, Shilo was working) a few times now. He also cooked while Shilo and I were camping last week. It's nice that I don't need to worry about cooking food in advance for Stitch when Shilo and I are gone. Shilo also took his turn in the kitchen this past week, modifying a meal he made before for us and adding cooked linguica, much to my delight. It's nice to know I don't have to make dinner if I'm not feeling up to it.

About the campout last weekend: I know I barely mentioned it a week ago, and not since. Shilo and I arrived about 15 minutes after it was scheduled to start, and he set up the tent with minimal help from me. He seemed to have an attitude that it was his job, so I let him at it, even though my helping would have saved time. We were the first ones to arrive. I got to see people I only see twice a year or less, and I even saw "Z"! I was dancing with delight to see her. She's had some rough times, and she looks so good! I'm very happy and proud for her. In the early morning hours (about 1 or so) I put Shilo on a spanking bench, and hit his ass with a number of implements. Then I went into the tent so I could receive my orgasm. He did a great job, but was unable to get or maintain an erection so we could engage in intercourse. I wasn't mad, but I was disappointed. The next paragraph will explain why.

Engaging in intercourse with Shilo is indescribable. Yes, he refers to it as "the ol' in and out" referencing "A Clockwork Orange" and I just write it as sex, but it's so much more than that. Because of the length, thickness, and shape of his penis, we have to have intercourse in missionary position. Any other position is painful because of what was left after my hysterectomy. He hits my g-spot every time!!! Washing sheets and/or towels is something I do frequently, and I don't mind a bit, because the sex is so good. I say terrible things, scream, and scratch like a tigress in heat. As incredible as it is for me, and as much as he enjoys it, there is one very unfortunate problem: He rarely reaches a climax. My theory is that he spent too many years masturbating, and it is so different from intercourse that he cannot cum from intercourse. Don't get me wrong, he will occasionally hit that point, but not very often.Yes, he says he enjoys sex with me, there's nothing wrong with me, and he even initiates sex on a regular basis. Unfortunately, the inability to get or maintain an erection lately has been problematic. My solution is in the next paragraph.

I don't like calling this a solution, because it solves nothing, but it seems to work in some evil, twisted way... He used to lock up in chastity to prevent masturbation before he got together with me, and, even after that, I used his chastity device in that manner, plus on other occasions as well. I won't answer for him, but, for me, it's a fetish. I enjoy seeing him locked in etc. a full explanation is here and it explains much better than my sleep deprived brain ever could. So, on Sunday, July 6th, at about 3 in the afternoon, Shilo got locked up in his newest device. It's silicone, and he says it's comfortable. I can't explain the psychology behind it, nor can I even explain what it does to him, but it seems to work. Also, we don't see chastity as a "punishment" so it works quite well, Actually, that's a misnomer. It is a punishment, for me, mostly, because, as stated before, I ENJOY sex with him so much. Yes, I can unlock him whenever I want. It's just that lately I've wanted to be pursued, and so I've not made the first move with anyone. I don't recall the last time I had sex with Stitch (maybe sometime in early June?) and Sherman, while he was "approved" for sex several years ago by Stitch, he hasn't gotten tested, and I don't feel necessarily sexual towards him, and he's still getting used to things here, so while he will hold me and kiss me, he hasn't tried anything, and, well, Shilo is locked up, and he hasn't even offered me an orgasm. so, yes, it tortures me more than anyone.

I thought about masturbating a few days ago to take off "the edge" a little bit, but I'm too tired. It's funny: I am in my house, running around nearly naked with three relatively healthy men, amd not one has even tried to initiate sex, or foreplay, or even just doing something to warm me up to them. I'm horny, but I'm not going to ask. Maybe it's a pride thing. I know that Shilo reads this sometimes, but who knows when, or even if he will use this information against me? (Or maybe for me?) I'm fully aware that he has masturbated while wearing a chastity device in the past, so even that can't or won't stop him. In the meantime, I just suffer in silence.

In other news, my birthday is tomorrow, and I'm attending a FemDomme party tonight with Shilo. We will actually celebrate my birthday on the 16th at what Sunshine calls "The cotton candy place." Now I must get my weekend started.

"Can I Tell You A Secret?"

The above, or some other similar version is something Sunshine frequently tells Shilo when she is "out." During those times, she will put me "deep" so I can't hear, and she will tell him something I usually don't want him to know. Naturally, in the interest of our relationship, and my requirement for his transparency, he will (eventually) tell me what he knows. Today, however, I'm revealing a secret of sorts. Ready?

I write. In fact, I write quite a bit, and more often than he even knows. While I don't have daily entries like I require of him, I do write about once a week, sometimes more often. So... where are these things I write, anyway? They aren't being published here, nor are they even online. Most of them are partially written, and they're in my Documents folder. I start writing, get interrupted, or maybe there's a (*)squirrel and I get distracted enough that I never really get back to it. Either way, it remains partially written, and I rarely or never get back to it. (*)Squirrels are everywhere, so I need to be careful.

Maybe I'll get back to those partially written stories and anecdotes and finish them and publish them. Then, again, maybe not. I write to unclutter my brain, so once I've written, whether or not I've published, my head is clear, so it doesn't seem to matter as much.

That's the secret for this time. There may or may not be more.



(*)A squirrel is something that will immediately take my attention from whatever it is I am or should be doing. It could be a phone call, or maybe an attractive person walking down the street when I'm driving, Either way, I get so focused on the squirrel, that I completely forget the original task I was doing.

Visiting The In-Laws PART 1

Consider this part one of a multi-part blog.

I very briefly met Shilo's parents when we got married in September. Keep in mind that Shilo had only given them the bare minimum of information about me, in hopes that my "oddities"  would not be known. His goal was for them to be happy that he was happy.  My goal was to appear as Vanilla as possible,  with no skeletons in my closet. Both of us did a good job, or so we thought. Little did we know...

I'm not ashamed of Sunshine. She is a part of me, and I would not be complete without her. My only  problem is that she can be hard to explain to others. I mean, how do you explain a very precocious 7 year old girl in a 52 year old body? It's difficult in the best of circumstances. Well  like it or not, Sunshine came out during dinner tonight, and instead of "covering"  for me, Shilo decided to introduce her to them. Sunshine had  me under the surface for most of the exchange,  so I can say that she was scared that his parents would reject her, but they were very  nice about it, but asked her too many questions,  and sometimes ask Shilo things. It was an educational moment. It turns out that Shilo's mom saw her coloring book and crayons in Stitch's room before the wedding,  so she knew something wasn't quite 'right'  but she was too polite to say anything.

When I came out later, it was awkward,  but they were accepting,  especially after they were told that Shilo knew all about  me early on in our relationship,  and that he got involved with me with both eyes open. Fortunately, Shilo decided to at least keep the polyamory under wraps. I'm not quite sure how THAT would have gone over... Anyway,  time for bed and meds. Goodnight!

WOW Landing!

I'm sitting at the San Antonio Airport with ShIlo by my side. We left LAX at the ungodly hour of about 6AM.  I'm pretty sure ShIlo would disagree with the time, but it's just an approximation. All I know is that while he slept in my bed last night, I was vacuuming and cleaning the house. I chose to sleep at the airport while we waited for the plane. It was a good idea, because I was tired, and feeling more than a little exhausted.

The takeoff was uneventful and I slept through it. Let me say now: Because of ShIlo, I no longer need to be medicated to fly, and I stay relaxed throughout the flight. It's nice to not have to be medicated to fly. My head is clear, and no Ativan in my system means that I can be clear-headed as soon as we land. When I woke up, I colored in the new coloring book with the new crayons he bought for my Little, Sunshine. Actually, SHE did the coloring, with me picking out the colors for her. Yes, Sunshine is a part of me, but she is a distinct personality from me, and if you met Her, you would understand. She stayed quiet and allowed ShIlo to do his work he had brought. When it was time to land, the landing was so smooth, I had to look to be sure we were actually on the ground. Now we are waiting for yet another flight, this one to Baltimore, but it is DELAYED. All I can hope is that it doesn't get cancelled. That's all for now.

Perspective

Part of what I do as Shilo's Mistress is give him assignments to complete. There are occasional ones, things I give him to do on an as-needed basis, and then daily ones, such as calling me at 7:30 AM on weekdays when we aren't together. Another thing I have him do (that I've mentioned  before) is to make a daily journal entry. I read it at my leisure and occasionally comment on something he's written, and I do my best to be supportive and/or give positive feedback.  Sure, sometimes he shares things and I feel uncomfortable about it, but I also figure that it helps him to "process" things.  

There IS one thing, however.... His perspective on something that goes on between us and mine are usually different. Sometimes, they are so different that I wonder if he was in the same room as me.  It makes things fun because I have the chance to see things from his point of view. It also gives me the chance to find out what my Little, Sunshine, has been up to. She sees and hears most of what I say and do, but I rarely get the opportunity to see and hear her.

So... this was a busier, much busier week than I originally planned, but I'm pretty sure that Shilo has enjoyed all the extra time and attention I've given him this week. Mister_Stitch commented today that it seems like Shilo and I are "working out the bugs" in our relationship. I think he's right, and I'm glad that we (ALL of us) get along so well, and that we're all so supportive of each other.

On THAT note, I gotta go!