Well...

It's been a difficult week for me. Acknowledging that Shilo needed a "break" from being in service to me was a bitter pill to swallow, and dealing with the accompanying mood swings (his and mine) only proved to me that the break was necessary. Please don't get me wrong.... I Love Shilo. I'm in Love with Shilo. I wouldn't have married him otherwise.

The way I see it, our marriage is strong. Our devotion is where it should be, and we are still learning, but there is so much more that we have to learn about one another. Patience is the key.

Still, seeing my (Shilo's) collar on Dolly disturbs me. My collar belongs around Shilo's neck. I know that, he knows that. We were made for each other. When I woke up early Thursday morning, he was on the bed next to me, and he said there were papers on my computer keyboard. I looked, and there was a new contract that he wrote using our previous contracts as a guideline. I was impressed. It proved that his desire to serve me is still there, but it also proved that he wasn't the same person who signed the earlier contracts, and who wanted a contract with no 'escape clause.' I get the feeling that where he was once afraid and insecure, he now knows that I will not reject him. My Love is sufficient, and he is secure.

Shilo's growth and subsequent autonomy is pleasing to me. His insecurities that held him back are gone. It is as it should be. Serving out of fear of rejection is much different than serving out of Love and Devotion, and he now serves because of the latter. I am very pleased about that, and I am very proud of him.

Anyway, back to the contract: I read through it, and after considering the changes he made, I decided to accept it. I told him I would accept his proposed contract, and now all he needs to do is sign it and present it to me for me to sign. He has not yet done so, and he still needs to ask for me to place my collar on him again. I'm not sure if or when he will do so, but serving me has to be his desire. I won't ask him to come back as my slave and serve me, because my wanting him is not enough reason, and he needs to understand that. It has to come from his heart.

So, here it is, nearly 2AM on Friday, and I can't sleep because I miss him, and he had to work an extra shift this week. I'll eventually get into bed with Stitch and sleep, but I really want Shilo with me, instead of him being at work.  This is the wife part of me, longing for his touch and warmth.

Shilo, I hope if/when you see this, you understand and know that I will wait until you are ready.