Discouraged

I'm not sure how to feel and what to think right now.

Somehow, I'm beginning to realize more and more that maybe I'm too trusting. Love is, without a doubt, blinding. You don't notice stuff that bothers you, and, when you do, you will readily accept the begging for forgiveness, or you'll even overlook all of it. You believe the lies they tell you, and, worse, you lie to yourself.

Long ago, I told him, well, actually warned him, that I have a way of "knowing" things. I look at him, confront him, and he denies it I confront him again, he denies it again, over and over and over. I know that I'm right, that he is lying to me, but after repeated denials, I accept that I must certainly be wrong, that he would never lie to me, and that he is all sweetness and goodness. I keep my accusations to myself, and then, finally, when it’s all done, he confesses that he’s been lying to me about (insert habit here). I ask him why, and he gives me (what I think is) a flimsy excuse. “I’m addicted to the nicotine”, or “I was too embarrassed to tell you” or something else. Honestly, the excuses are a waste of time. What I really want is the truth the first time. Admit it, tell me I’m right, and then we can talk about it. Lying to me only destroys our relationship, tears at our foundation.

STOP IT NOW!

I’m tired of it. The excuses don’t matter. Honestly, I just want to start over, because it’s obvious to me that only one of us is doing the work in this. No, I’m not saying he isn’t working. He does work, very hard, in fact, but he’s not working on being honest, on being transparent. I look back on all I did to try to help him, to assist him and encourage him to do what’s right for him, but I feel I’ve wasted my time and his also.

We spent hours talking on the phone, talking online, and face to face. We poured ourselves out to each other. I did with him what I’ve done to other submissives in the past. I asked him a question: “Shilo, what things are holding you back, what things are in your life that are destroying you?” Now, the previous wasn’t an exact quote, but you get the idea. He told me of two things: his masturbation and his smoking. I told him I would gladly help him with it, and I did. I gave him goals and positive reinforcement. I praised him, rewarded him, even changed my ways of doing things so that it would help him. I didn’t do it for my glory, I did it because, well, because I care about him, I Love him with all my heart, and he was so very unhappy, and I wanted to see him happy.

All I asked for in return was that he keep up his end of it and tell me when he was struggling. I wouldn’t judge him. I’ve caught him doing these two things several times since he supposedly quit. Something I think he doesn’t “get” is that I’m not angry. No, I’m just disappointed. It’s not even because he’s doing those things. It’s because he lies about it. He lied about it to me. I just don’t know what to do about it.

I want the lies to stop. I need someone who is trustworthy. How many more times and ways will he violate my trust in him? Okay, so maybe it wasn’t a major violation, but it is a repeated violation. I can’t seem to get it through to him why it bothers me, and I feel if he really cared about it, he’d be honest with me.

It leaves me asking myself what’s wrong with me? What am I doing wrong? Oh, there are other questions too, ones I’d rather not verbalize. It all just points at my faults and failures. All I want, all I desire is honesty. That, and a good night’s sleep.