Smiling In Spite Of... (3-28-15)

NOTE: This is not a request for help, nor am I asking anyone to feel sorry for me. It's just that I sometimes have to remove the heavy load and dump it out. I've been doing it quite a bit lately, simply because it's been so heavy, and rather than going into hiding like I used to, I'm gonna drop this stuff and try to keep on moving. Life is for the living, and I'm not dead yet, so I keep on smiling.

My Household has had a very difficult 9 months. It's my job as Head to keep things running as smoothly as possible and keep a cool head when things go to shit. I'm guilty of having a soft heart (or soft head, depending on who you're asking) and I'm never ashamed to admit and apologize for my mistakes, and right them if possible. Unfortunately, there's one I cannot fix. I invited someone into my home because they were down on their luck, and if I can help a friend, then I will. This person offered to assist me with some things in exchange for staying with us, so I agreed. It was fine until this person put me in a compromising situation by getting entangled with a sub that was new to the lifestyle. I advised him as a friend to stay clear of her because she was new. He had the nerve to accuse me of being racist, so rather than argue the point, I let him go on, knowing that neither of them knew what they were doing. Let's just leave it with this: It ended badly, and I had to do damage control.
NOTE TO SUBMISSIVES/SLAVES:` Unless the Mistress/Master/Dominant is yours, you are not` obligated to obey.
NOTE TO MISTRESSES/MASTERS/DOMINANTS:` Unless they are yours, it it unreasonable and rude to expect any and every submissive or slave to follow your orders.

PERIOD!!!

I dislike shit to begin with, but I'm okay with handling mine. Cleaning up a shitstorm cause by another isn't my cup of tea. Let's just say I like to mind my own business, and getting involved with drama (oh, how I detest` that word!) that isn't mine pisses me off. Anyway, instead of sending this person on his merry way, I let him off with a lecture and a stern warning. Give him a chance, right? Then he decided to argue with Sunshine (my little) over some petty thing. Sunshine is 7 years old, and as much as I'd like to say she is well-mannered, she has issues with impulse control. After all, she's 7. I have no control over what she does. Feel free to ask either of her Daddies or Shilo if you doubt it. Still, I forgave him, and Sunshine stayed in hiding when he was around, and she started calling him "The mean man" when he wasn't around. Then, he slowly stopped doing what he agreed to do, and he wasn't investing enough time into finding employment. In the meantime, child #4 (age 25 and developmentally disabled) was having increasing problems with his epilepsy, and needed to be hospitalized for a week so he could be observed, and insurance wasn't going to cover all of it. We're still paying that off. Because I knew that we couldn't afford it, I started a clips 4 sale studio in hopes of supplementing our income so we could pay the medical bills, because I don't want people feeling sorry for me, and I'd rather work for money than take a handout. We stopped attending events for several months thinking that we'd save some money. It didn't really work, and I was sinking into a deep depression, but still wearing that smile.
PERSONAL NOTE:` Sometimes, we need the company of others who share our interests, and staying away does more damage than good.

Right about the time child #4 got out of the hospital, Shilo began having digestive issues. His doctor attributed it to stress, but it got so bad that Shilo was unable to to do do anything physical and so we stopped filming. Just before Christmas, Child #4 had a series of seizures and spent 5 days in the hospital. I'm not a (money) rich woman, and this stress was really getting to me, but I kept going, knowing that things had to eventually improve. I still hold on to that belief. Right about that time, Sunshine made an offhand suggestion to “the mean man” that he should marry his girlfriend. Then, she messaged the girlfriend, and things got ugly. Sunshine told both Stitch and Shilo that the girlfriend was mean, and Sunshine called the girlfriend an 'ungrateful cunt.' Naturally, this only caused more problems, but, in her defense, I think she was feeling my frustration and aggravation. Once more, "The mean man" argued with Sunshine in spite of being told on numerous occasions that arguing with her is completely unacceptable. I was at wit's end, and I hated myself for allowing my heart to lead. I was in a funk from not being around the people I love, and not participating in events. I realized that staying away might be saving a few dollars, but at the expense of my mental well-being. The local community had become my family after the death of my mother, and I missed it.
NOTE TO ALL:`Denying yourself of the people you care about doesn't solve anything.

On New Year's Day, I decided to not take any more shit, and I held a household meeting giving "The mean man" 7 weeks to get a job and pay towards Household expenses or move out. I also decided that I wasn't going to wallow in depression anymore, and I signed up for the LA GRUE, maxing out my last credit card. It was a small price to pay for better mental health. I smiled more, and I even laughed. Still, I knew that the medical bills (and other bills) were piling up. Shilo was still having issues, so Stitch accompanied me instead, and we provided transportation for my Mentor/other Daddy. It was a happy overwhelming (in a good way) weekend. Somehow, I contracted a "virus from hell" and spent weeks not doing anything, although I went out a few times when I was foolish enough to think I was 'better' only to have it come back with a vengeance a few days later. During the 7+ weeks I was ill, I managed to attend 3 events on nights I thought it was over. My smile was genuine, and the fact that "The mean man" managed to meet the deadline and paid part of what was requested made things a little easier. Still, it was too little too late. Bills were now not only piling up, but the hospital was getting impatient. I don't blame them, but you can't squeeze blood out of a turnip. The fact that I needed to maintain my mental health, pay the mortgage and basic utilities was overwhelming as it was. Dealing with the fact that I had a person in my home that I was beyond loathing added to the stressors, but I somehow managed to smile in spite of it all.

SOLUTION

Shilo decided to take on a second part-time job so we could catch up a little bit, and I know he'd rather spend his off time with me, but taking care of the Household is something we're all responsible for, and I've done some freelance work to help pay bills too. Our clips 4 sale site is still up, but we don't get many buyers, in spite of the “hits” we get. I'm hoping that will change soon. I recently managed to sell a few stories, and I decided that it was a reason to celebrate, so tonight I'm going out with Shilo and Stitch to a play party. Yes, it will eat up my earnings, but I managed to pay off all the utilities so they are up-to-date, and some of the pressure is off. Am I worried about the other stuff? You bet! However, I can't allow myself to get overwhelmed by it. We had to cancel a much-needed test for Shilo a few days ago because we weren't notified until the day before how much it was going to cost (too much!) and he was expected to pay for it up front. Still, I smile in spite of, because when you've reached bottom, the only way is up, and I'm not quitting.
NOTE TO ALL:` Don't quit or give in when things are rotten, try to learn from the mistakes of others, and smile in spite of it all, cause there's always someone worse off than you are.

One Week

One week ago on early Friday afternoon, I had Shilo lock up in a chastity device, and I left on a weekend business trip for the Senior Church ladies. Shilo is still locked up, and, as I like to tease him, there's no end in sight.

Yes, I'm depriving myself of intercourse as well. It's a choice, because I know Stitch will happily accommodate me. Let's just say I'm not really in the mood right now for anyone but Shilo, and since I have him locked up, I'll just be doing without for a while longer. It will make the eventual ending all the more pleasurable.

Looking back, I honestly had no idea how Loving and passionate Shilo would be. It was the furthest thing from my thoughts, and I laugh at how naive we both were. He was convinced he was asexual, I was convinced he was asexual, and sex with him really wasn't on my radar with him. Our shared fetish for chastity was all the proof I needed that we would never cross that line. Falling in Love wasn't even on my radar, but the more time we spent with each other, the more I realized that I was in Love with him, and the more he realized he was in Love with me. The more Love I felt for him, the stronger my passion grew, and his grew as well.

Those early days were full of more sex than I could calculate, but I'm sure he's kept count somewhere. Somewhere around 3 weeks into our sexual relationship, I brought up the subject of locking him in chastity. I was a little surprised at his negative reaction, but common sense won out, and he acquiesced. It seems he needed reassurance that I wanted him(!) Yes, I found that surprising, because I thought I had made it abundantly clear to him.

I'm glad that nowadays we've worked it out that he knows I won't deprive him for long, but, other than my trip to Springfield, IL in May, I think it's been a long time since he's been locked up for more than a week. I mean, yes, we've gone more than a week without intercourse for various reasons, but locking him wasn't involved. I'm also pretty sure he could give dates, times etc; but I'll leave it up to his discretion as to whether or not he puts it here.

He's asleep right now. He's been asleep since we arrived home at 5:15 after running errands all day and paying bills. I had hoped we could film tonight and then I could unlock him (I'm really horny) but I guess it'll have to wait. Still wondering if I'll feel like this later/tomorrow. I'm not likely to unlock him unless I want sex and it's practical, simply because he'll have to shower after removing the device because of my metal allergy before we even consider sex. GRRRRR!!!

Looks like masturbation is in my future... LOL I'm just too tired to go through the hassle of trying for sex with Shilo. Goodnight!

Beauty Is... (10-14-15)

Yes, Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Keeping that in mind, and using suggestions, I updated our Clips 4 Sale site today. Face it, a beaten behind is nice, but it's not what my relationship with Shilo is about.

People who know us understand that not only is our Mistress/slave relationship about control, but there is Love. The Love we have for each other shows through in everything we do, even when things are tough. A red bottom doesn't show that, so now we have a picture that portrays us. Both the Love and Control aspect. I think it makes Shilo appear a little more vulnerable, but also shows a softer side of our relationship. If you scroll up a little, you can see the new picture.


The clips were also reorganized, so the newest ones will always appear first. I invite you to take a look and provide constructive criticism, and, if you are so inclined, support us by making a small purchase. Thank you.


Please go to http://clips4sale.com/studio/85069 to view our store

Situational Update For Those Who Care (10-9-14)

First, I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to visit our Clips4Sale site, even if all you did was look. To the people who referred their friends, I thank you. To the 5 people who made purchases, I want you to know how much I appreciate this. It's a start, and it gives me hope that things will improve. Everyone is taking extra shifts at work and nobody is complaining. Yes, things still look dismal at this end, but I have some good news! 

Shilo's birthday is next month, and his parents were concerned about our lack of an air conditioner, and as much as the heat is a bother, a portable air conditioner won't solve our problems, but a newer and better quality video camera would be helpful in making better quality videos for our Clips4Sale site. Without going into too much detail, it was explained to them that an air conditioner would be helpful, but a video camera would be useful because we could take "nature shots" for profit. It worked, so we will have our new camera soon, and better quality videos mean we can (hopefully) get more repeat customers. We currently have 16 clips up, with another 4 in the queue for future release. We've also decided to offer custom videos by request as long as they fit into our current dynamic.

Child #4 (age 25) has attended a few munches with us. He is Developmentally Delayed, and has seizures almost daily. The medications are not helping the situation. In late August, he had EEG equipment attached to him for 3 days, and the results were inconclusive mostly because he would forget to push the button after a seizure. As a result, he will be spending 5 days to a week in the hospital next month for testing. I feel very fortunate that both Stitch and Shilo treat him as if he was their child.

I will periodically provide updates as they happen. Thank you!

Unlike Me (10-6-14)

I'm hearing it so often these days. “Merry, that's so unlike you...” followed by whatever action or inaction that has taken place. It leaves me questioning... and thinking to myself “Am I not allowed to change?” Think about it. Do we not have Seasons? Summer, Fall, Winter, Spring? Caterpillars turn into a chrysalis, and break out of it as a butterfly. Humans go from infant to toddler, to child, pre-teen, teenager, young adult, then an adult, and, if they have good genetics, they become elderly. Yes, those are physical outward changes, but I can tell you, with absolute certainty, that who I was at 17 was not who I thought I'd be at 13. Situations have a way of changing people. Life experiences change us as well. This leaves me to where I am now.

I'm always unapologetically me. It doesn't mean I don't acknowledge my faults, but it does mean I won't apologize for expressing my feelings. It means that situations and experiences have a habit of changing how I feel about things. I've done many things that I thought I'd never do because of a fresh outlook on things, and by “fresh” I don't always mean good. Bad situations have had a much bigger impact on me, but, in the long run, it's always turned out much better than I first imagined. I'm the eternal optimist, a Pollyanna of sorts. So, right now, things are tough. I know that things will eventually turn around, but it's not time yet. In some ways, I feel like I've failed myself and others, but I don't have a crystal ball that will predict the future, and I'm not so sure I'd want to know all that anyway.

What this means is that my social life might be curtailed for a little while. I'll be attending fewer parties and munches, and I don't know how long this will last. Maybe things will improve by tomorrow, maybe next week, or maybe next year. I can't put a timeline on things that I can't control. This also means I'm doing something I thought I'd never do. Being unapologetically me means that I'm not ashamed, but I am a little surprised. Over the past 14 months, Shilo and I have occasionally made movies of our sessions for our own private pleasure and viewing, but because of one of the out of control situations, it was mutually decided that we would share our movies with others on clips4sale. We will also be filming most of our home sessions, and adding them as well.

I will also ask that my friends here understand that this was not an easy decision, and I don't take things lightly. My options were to ask people to give/loan me money out of the kindness of their heart, and feel uncomfortable because I owe everyone money, or to be filmed doing something I enjoy (disciplining Shilo) and asking my friends to help me out by purchasing our movies, and/or suggesting to others that they check out our store, and make a purchase. I see this as a win-win situation. Nobody winds up empty-handed. My son's medical bills get paid, my mortgage gets paid, and the purchasers get a peek inside my kink life.

Please go to http://clips4sale.com/studio/85069 to view our store. Thank you!