Uneasiness

 I'm not even sure I want to write about this, but my uneasiness won't allow me to sleep.

Something isn't right, and it's not something I can fix. I really wish that I could point at it and say "Begone!" or some such nonsense like that, but it just doesn't work that way.

ALL of my most intimate relationships are based on trust and honesty, and I'm starting to feel that while there isn't a lie, there is an omission of truth, and that I'm being kept in the dark about things, but it's not something I can point at.

It's like sitting in a movie theater where you know that there's a bad guy hiding behind the curtain, but the person onscreen has no idea, and you want to shout "RUN!!" as loud as you can in hopes that the person onscreen hears you and gets safely away before they are captured.

It's just not right, and there's a web of lies and half-truths being told to others, and you're helpless and watching, and feeling like a part of you is suffocating and dying slowly.

I really want to maintain an open mind and trust, but I can't, and how do I say STOP!!! without sounding crazy, or jealous or both? 

I question whether this is a test of my resolve and trust, or if I'm just waiting for the inevitable death of the person onscreen.

I.Just.Don't.Like.This.

Loathing In The House Of The Laughing Sun

I'm trying, I've tried. As far as I know, I've done my very best. I don't lie to Shilo, and other than the occasional sadness or worries about things, I don't hide things from him. It's perfect. Well, except for now.

There is insanity creeping in. I don't know if it's because of us being stuck at home due to the continuing COVID-19 stay at home orders, or something else. All I do know is that there's no reasoning with crazy, and that crazy eventually rubs off onto everything and everyone else. People who know me best know that while I can be social when necessary, I much prefer being quiet at home. Oh! and hugs! I am a hugger. I enjoy physical contact, but on my conditions. Obviously, I'm not getting nearly enough hugs. This adds to my depression and anxiety. Again, due to the COVID-19 restrictions, I don't see people who I used to see ALL the time. This includes "Master B." Sure, we've seen each other a few times, but due to the potential health risks, we have made a conscious decision to not see each other. It suits us well. Over the time we've been in a relationship, we have gone through long periods of time (3+ months) where we didn't see each other. We're also guilty of having a lack of communication, in that we will go for weeks without talking to each other on the phone or even emailing each other or texting. It's just how we are in our relationship. Again, this is NOT a big deal. Not for us, anyway. We’re both confident and comfortable with it.

Do I miss "Master B?" Sure I miss him, but not in the same longing for him way that I have missed Shilo when we’ve been apart. Like it or not, I’m very attached to Shilo. Unfortunately, Shilo has been extremely difficult lately. Aggressive, disagreeable, argumentative, and he’s been making my life a living hell. I know he’s going to see this, but I’m not concerned about that. What I am concerned about is his reason. Why is he acting like this? What (real or imagined) thing has happened to cause this? I asked him last night. I’m past frustration, and I’ve gotten to the point of exasperation with his behavior, and his answer didn’t make things any better. What is Shilo’s reason for mistreating me, you ask? Brace yourselves, people. This is good. In his (Shilo’s) words taken from his blog (https://merryslavesdiary.blogspot.com/2020/12/15-december-tuesday-diary-hfc-70.html)

“A feeling of ..anger..and resentment... building up within me, based on my belief that she would rather be with B than with me.”

That’s it! That’s what he thinks, and NONE OF IT is based on reality. It’s all his thinking and imagination, and I’m being punished for it. And, yes, this is punishing for me. The anger and resentment being displayed hurts me to the core, and he knows it, and he doesn’t care, because in his mind, I deserve it. I’d laugh if I didn’t feel like crying.

I’ve reassured him to the best of my ability, told him he can look through all my accounts to see what I’ve written and sent to “Master B.” I have nothing to hide. But Shilo thinks I have some “hidden agenda.” I don’t. I’m battling an overwhelming feeling of sadness and depression and doing my best to muddle through. Blame the time of year. Tomorrow will be 8 years since my Mom’s sudden and unexpected death. It comes down to would I like to see “Master B?” Yes, but not with all the COVID-19 restrictions. Do I miss him? Yes, but I miss LOTS of people, some more than others. Would I rather be with him than Shilo? That’s a trick question, because right now Shilo is currently doing everything in his power to make me miserable, and I don’t like feeling miserable. But in general, no, I’d rather be right here where I am, with my Chosen One and Husband, Shilo. He (Shilo) is my home, “Master B” is my Disneyland. Fun to visit under normal circumstances, but I most certainly wouldn’t want to live there, and after a day or two, I’m more than ready to go home, and right now, home is where I want to be. I just wish Shilo understood that.

 

EDITED TO ADD:

It's a good thing that Shilo has been avoiding the six o'clock alarm, because his anger has rubbed off on me.  I couldn't spank him anyway.

 

Thoughts

I should be asleep.


We (my Household) were blindsided on Saturday morning. We aren't taking it very well.


I'm feeling burdened by many things that are out of my control, and I feel like screaming something to the effect of "Get me OFF this ride!" Unfortunately, it's not going to happen.


While I think I've finished mourning him, the death of my Mentor, Daddy W, has left me with an empty spot. I understand that there's no one who could possibly fill that hole, but I also feel that it would be helpful to have someone I trust to consult with. I wouldn't expect the day-to-day interaction, and I know it wouldn't be quite the same, but I sometimes hit rough spots, and I miss that Dominant male energy. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate Dominants of any gender, but it's a different interaction. I'm not looking. Just thinking out loud.


Through an odd turn of events, I was near my old stomping grounds on Saturday. It felt pretty good, and it just might be what we need. I'm throwing that in the wind because I'm hoping for a positive outcome.


Also in relationship to that, I wound up doing something I had hoped I could avoid and it might negatively affect Shilo more than anyone else. I know he can handle this, it's just that I worry.


I worry an awful lot. Mostly because the effects of my accident have lasted longer than first expected. I'm still unable to drive, so scheduling things is dependent on Shilo's availability.


That odd turn of events could possibly be the best news ever and it could give me some independence. I could walk places, and that excites me. Asking for positive thoughts.


I see the Ortho doctor Monday morning to discuss my MRI results. I'm a little afraid. I'm unsure as to what's worse: Not knowing, or knowing.


The reality hit us Saturday afternoon. We had to vote on our pets. Who to keep and who to re-home. It made us cry. The good news is that it's not perfect, but our former boarder is taking a cat, so we can have a clear conscience.


Still, I'm panicking.


I want this rough patch to be over already.


"Home" is such a lovely word.


The stress has taken it's toll on my health. I'm surprised it took so long. I'm also feeling better already. Modern medicine is wonderful!


Speaking of medicine, I've decreased the edibles I use. In other words, I'm taking less. I'm not sure if it's because the pain has decreased, or if it's got something to do with it staying in my system longer. I still restrict my usage to 8AM to 3PM only.


I feel emotionally better now than I did when I started writing this 2 hours ago.

MY THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

It never ceases to amaze me how it's possible to Love someone with all your heart, and then have it turn into a point where you detest even seeing their name because they've been dishonest with you over and over again. Still, I will preserve your privacy. You may thank me when you see me. Oh, that's right, you won't!