2020 Year In Review: A Personal Outlook

Our Internet, cable, and Wi-Fi went out on New Year’s Day, and was out until the evening of the 4^th so I say better late than never.(Originally posted ELSEWHERE)

2020 will no doubt go into the record books as being a horrible year, but I'm going to inject my reality into it. Bear in mind that this is a NON-POLITICAL PERSONAL journal entry:

My long-term Partner-In-Crime, Stitch, was laid off in early February. Then, later that month my older sister with dementia had lung cancer surgery. It enabled my niece (her only child) and I to get closer after many years of estrangement.

In March, as the COVID-19 pandemic started affecting California, and quarantine/lockdowns became a reality, I took over grocery shopping for my older sister due to her health status. Waiting in line to get into a grocery store for 45 minutes to an hour was a reality, and her favorite store was frequently out of her favorite foods, so I had to get creative to find what she needed and wanted. It turns out that the grocery store I use most had nearly everything she needed and at lower prices!

In late April/early May, I had an accident that totaled my car that I inherited when my Mother died 7 years before. It was a very difficult time for me emotionally, but made easier because my older sister (the one who had the cancer surgery in February) had added my name to her car that she no longer drove back in January, so I was able to take it and get it back in working order. The insurance money I received was more than enough to cover all the work needed, including new tires.

By mid-May, Stitch, got a part-time temporary job working for a large retailer known for low prices. In September he received a card that gave his household an employee discount. With everything going on, that discount is very helpful.

June was quiet, and in the middle of July, I had my quarantine birthday (Happy 59^th!) then, near the end of July, my 8 y/o granddaughter infected her entire household with COVID-19 (Her father [child #5] her mother [my DIL] her uncle [child #4 AKA Babyman, who also happens to be disabled and is high-risk] her little brother, age 3, and her baby sister, age 14 months) It was a worrisome time for me, but they all had mild symptoms and recovered without winding up in the hospital.

In September, they bought and moved into their first house. It's still in the same area, but much closer to me. Also in September, I finally had dental insurance and began treatment that I thought would be finished by the end of October. Guess what? I'm STILL undergoing treatment, and currently have a messed up smile (Thank goodness for masks!) and eating has been an adventure for over 3 months.

In October, my Husband and Chosen One, Shilo, received the news we've been waiting to hear. His numbers are undetectable, meaning that his prostate cancer is under control. Yes, he still has to take his chemotherapy, but it's mostly a precaution because he has/had Advanced Metastatic Prostate Cancer. Two years ago, he was told that if he decided to not undergo treatment (chemo and radiation) he would die within 2 years. I'm so grateful that he did the chemo and radiation. Yes, they left him with some nasty side effects, but it's better than being dead.

In November, we celebrated Shilo’s 64^th Birthday by serenading him. With Thanksgiving quickly approaching, finding a normal-sized turkey (12 lbs) was impossible, so I wound up buying a 22 lbs(!) turkey and freezing the leftovers. Good thing I like turkey! I also decided that this was the year I tried making fruitcake.

December was a month of baking and cooking unlike anything I could have imagined! Total "damage" was 11 fruitcakes, homemade candied orange peel, orange-infused sugar, and orange syrup, homemade candied lime peel, lime-infused sugar, and lime syrup. I even made a lime pie for dessert for Christmas along with brownies, and of course, my Mom's Christmas Pork recipe for Christmas breakfast. I did cancel a dentist appointment on the 21st and rescheduled it for the 30th because I wanted to enjoy eating Christmas dinner. Instead of removing my lower 4 teeth front teeth when I saw the dentist he only removed TWO (2!). Again I say "Thank goodness for masks!"

So here it is, the New Year 7 days old, and I'm back to eating soft food, and my speech is mostly unintelligible, but like I jokingly told the dentist "Out with the old (teeth), and in with the new (in a few weeks)"

Saving the best for last, on New Year’s Eve, I was told that effective January 1, 2021, Stitch was hired as a full-time permanent employee. Also a very special acknowledgment to my FIL and MIL who have been VERY supportive of us this past year, and I/We are extremely grateful for all the help they've provided.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

 

A (Pre)Christmas Miracle And Intervention

FACTS:

1. Shilo is stubborn, often to his detriment.

2. I am stubborn as well, especially if I am right, or telling the truth.

3. There are times when NO amount of reasoning works with Shilo.

4. On the rare occasion when this happens, I feel I have no choice but to put it in writing.

5. When I put something in writing, the "noise" stops, and he has to focus on the subject without any interruption.

When I wrote "Loathing In The House Of The Laughing Sun" (https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2020/12/loathing-in-house-of-laughing-sun.html) it was my way of getting his undivided attention.  Unfortunately, it didn't work, and things became even more unbearable. In what I guess was a last-ditch effort to "rescue" Christmas, Sunshine took over. She adores Shilo, and Shilo has a special Love for Sunshine. This mutuality allows for Sunshine to ask questions that I never would, and express feelings that are muddled and deep within me. She asks the hard questions and shares our (hers and mine) fears in a way where whether or not he agrees, he is in a place of careful listening and consideration.

Unless she (Sunshine) chooses to share what they discuss, I am blissfully ignorant, and Shilo knows he can tell her whatever he wants without fear or concern of my knowledge. Sunshine also tells my "secrets" which means that he will often know things that I don't necessarily want him to know yet. It's a safe place for the both of them. Speaking of "safe places" Sunshine will come out and show up to "protect" me, mostly to prevent my feelings from being hurt, but also to protect me from any number of painful things. So, that was her reasoning for coming out on Sunday night and staying out until early Tuesday morning. 

When I came out I was sad. Sadder than I've been in a long while, and it's lingering. I still have a "crying headache,"  and she posted about "Thinking so hard" that she had a headache on Facebook sometime Monday. Still not sure what It all means. The "good" news is that Sunshine convinced Shilo that I need a Happy Christmas, so Shilo promised her that he would call a truce until after then, and then go day by day  (minute by minute?) after that.

I know that Shilo still probably feels how he did earlier, but I also know that this truce might last long enough that we can get through this and maybe even fix whatever pain we're dealing with. I know there is Love, and that hasn't changed. I know that we walked into our relationship and marriage with both eyes open, and I hope we can get through this rough patch by holding on to one another and trusting that things will get better.

For now, I'm happy that my anger is gone, and I'll be happy to be rid of this headache.

Loathing In The House Of The Laughing Sun

I'm trying, I've tried. As far as I know, I've done my very best. I don't lie to Shilo, and other than the occasional sadness or worries about things, I don't hide things from him. It's perfect. Well, except for now.

There is insanity creeping in. I don't know if it's because of us being stuck at home due to the continuing COVID-19 stay at home orders, or something else. All I do know is that there's no reasoning with crazy, and that crazy eventually rubs off onto everything and everyone else. People who know me best know that while I can be social when necessary, I much prefer being quiet at home. Oh! and hugs! I am a hugger. I enjoy physical contact, but on my conditions. Obviously, I'm not getting nearly enough hugs. This adds to my depression and anxiety. Again, due to the COVID-19 restrictions, I don't see people who I used to see ALL the time. This includes "Master B." Sure, we've seen each other a few times, but due to the potential health risks, we have made a conscious decision to not see each other. It suits us well. Over the time we've been in a relationship, we have gone through long periods of time (3+ months) where we didn't see each other. We're also guilty of having a lack of communication, in that we will go for weeks without talking to each other on the phone or even emailing each other or texting. It's just how we are in our relationship. Again, this is NOT a big deal. Not for us, anyway. We’re both confident and comfortable with it.

Do I miss "Master B?" Sure I miss him, but not in the same longing for him way that I have missed Shilo when we’ve been apart. Like it or not, I’m very attached to Shilo. Unfortunately, Shilo has been extremely difficult lately. Aggressive, disagreeable, argumentative, and he’s been making my life a living hell. I know he’s going to see this, but I’m not concerned about that. What I am concerned about is his reason. Why is he acting like this? What (real or imagined) thing has happened to cause this? I asked him last night. I’m past frustration, and I’ve gotten to the point of exasperation with his behavior, and his answer didn’t make things any better. What is Shilo’s reason for mistreating me, you ask? Brace yourselves, people. This is good. In his (Shilo’s) words taken from his blog (https://merryslavesdiary.blogspot.com/2020/12/15-december-tuesday-diary-hfc-70.html)

“A feeling of ..anger..and resentment... building up within me, based on my belief that she would rather be with B than with me.”

That’s it! That’s what he thinks, and NONE OF IT is based on reality. It’s all his thinking and imagination, and I’m being punished for it. And, yes, this is punishing for me. The anger and resentment being displayed hurts me to the core, and he knows it, and he doesn’t care, because in his mind, I deserve it. I’d laugh if I didn’t feel like crying.

I’ve reassured him to the best of my ability, told him he can look through all my accounts to see what I’ve written and sent to “Master B.” I have nothing to hide. But Shilo thinks I have some “hidden agenda.” I don’t. I’m battling an overwhelming feeling of sadness and depression and doing my best to muddle through. Blame the time of year. Tomorrow will be 8 years since my Mom’s sudden and unexpected death. It comes down to would I like to see “Master B?” Yes, but not with all the COVID-19 restrictions. Do I miss him? Yes, but I miss LOTS of people, some more than others. Would I rather be with him than Shilo? That’s a trick question, because right now Shilo is currently doing everything in his power to make me miserable, and I don’t like feeling miserable. But in general, no, I’d rather be right here where I am, with my Chosen One and Husband, Shilo. He (Shilo) is my home, “Master B” is my Disneyland. Fun to visit under normal circumstances, but I most certainly wouldn’t want to live there, and after a day or two, I’m more than ready to go home, and right now, home is where I want to be. I just wish Shilo understood that.

 

EDITED TO ADD:

It's a good thing that Shilo has been avoiding the six o'clock alarm, because his anger has rubbed off on me.  I couldn't spank him anyway.

 

Nothing Rhymes With Oranges!

 It's that time of year again! 

My Dear friend and fellow blogger, KD Pierre, (http://collectedsubs.blogspot.com/)  has his annual Holiday Cocktail exchange. This year however, things have been more than a little topsy-turvy, so recipes have been encouraged as well.  I thought about this, and decided why not have it all? So I present to you my recipe for candied orange peel that  gives you 3 (THREE!) treats in one fabulous recipe!

Merry's Candied Orange Peels

3 to 4 large oranges

1½ cups water

3 cups sugar

2 cups sugar

Buy the prettiest oranges you can find. Unblemished and pleasant smelling. Wash the whole orange under running water to get rid of any dirt or residue.

Using a sharp knife, remove the orange peels carefully, then cut the peels into 1/4-inch-wide strips. 

 

Boil peels and 1 cup cold water to a pan, bring to a boil and cook for 15 minutes. Rinse and drain, repeat. (I like to do it a minimum of 3 times)

Add 3 cups sugar and 1½ cups water to a pan. Heat, stirring, until the sugar is dissolved and the syrup is boiling. Add the peels, reduce to a simmer and cook, using a wooden spoon to stir the pan occasionally, for 1 hour. Don’t be like me and get distracted!

 

Place 2 cups of sugar in a medium bowl.

Use a slotted spoon to remove a few of the peels at a time and let the excess syrup drip off for a few seconds. Place the hot, wet peels in the bowl of sugar and toss to coat. Place on a baking sheet lined with parchment paper to set, about 2 hours. Put it in a ziplock bag or a plastic container.

There are many uses for candied orange peel, my favorite being eating it as is, but you can add it to nearly any recipe or even cocktails. Check out Google for ideas.

 

 

Save the syrup to add to your drinks/cocktails for a wonderful kick of citrus flavor!. Save remaining orange infused sugar for special occasions. (I like it in my herbal tea)

ENJOY!

 

Photo Credits 

Orange peel: Me

Naked Chef pictures: Stitch M.

A "Challenge?"

 One of my favorite guys KD Pierre (https://www.blogger.com/profile/04623475693010155892) recently posted a series of naked people next to the Christmas tree so we could say which one we liked best my "Chosen One" Shilo (https://www.blogger.com/profile/11209310275450354399)  mentioned that one of them had a resemblance to me from the neck down, and she actually won the pick. (http://collectedsubs.blogspot.com/2020/12/winning-vixen.html)

Now, you can see part of my "bounty" in "A Slip of the Nip" (https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2020/05/a-slip-of-nip.html) from May this year, and it's perfectly clear she can't possibly be me, given that I have dark brown hair, but there are a few who thought the blonde was me, which, frankly, pisses me off, because blonde is definitely NOT my hair color. 

 

Well, anyway, my tree isn't up yet, but I am considering giving proof that dark brown is MUCH better than blonde for me personally by posting a picture of me by MY tree after it's been put up to end any squabbling once and for all.
 

Until then.... 

True Christmas Eve Story PLUS A Gift For My Friends

Imagine this:
6PM Christmas Eve. I enter a crowded grocery store in Long Beach, CA.  Yeah, I can be a bit of a masochist at times. anyway, i realized I was nearly out of paper towels, and I needed oranges for tomorrow's breakfast, so I braved the insanity. Imagine my surprise/horror when I saw an ENTIRE row devoted to Valentine's Day! On Christmas Eve! What The Actual FUCK???!!! Anyway, I got in the shortest long line (9 people in front of me) and waited.

I'm still a bit behind in my cooking/baking, and some gifts won't be arriving until Saturday (via Amazon) but at least that part is done.

My Christmas Gift:

Due to several requests, I'm sharing my Mother's recipe for Christmas Pork. The fun part was reducing the recipe from what I normally do (5+ lbs of pork, nearly 3 large bottles of red wine vinegar, and a full bottle of red wine plus more heads of garlic than I care to admit) to what "normal" people do. (about a pound of pork) Here is the base recipe (measurements of seasonings are to taste, but it is very garlicky)

Christmas Pork (Portuguese Recipe)

1 lb Pork cut into cubes
1 1/2 cups red wine vinegar
3/4 cup dry red wine
1 bay leaf
1 large whole garlic head with cloves sliced thin
1 teaspoon salt
pepper (just a little)
1/2 teaspoon Italian seasoning

Mix together vinegar, red wine, garlic, salt, bay leaf, pepper, and Italian seasoning in large bowl. Add pork, and stir well. Make sure pork cubes are covered. Refrigerate minimum overnight, better if 24 hours. Stir occasionally.

On Christmas morning (about 11, because I like to sleep in) I drain the pork on a paper towel, then melt about 1/2 cube of butter in a large skillet. Add the pork to the skillet in batches to prevent crowding; cook and stir until completely browned and no longer pink in the center. Add more butter as necessary. DO NOT USE MARGARINE OR OIL!

Now, you might ask then what? Make plain scrambled eggs, and serve them together. For real authenticity, serve oranges cut in quarters on the side. Now, the purpose for the orange is twofold. One, it cuts on the garlic breath, two, it reduces the gas.

Merry Christmas!

♥ ♥ ♥

Merry

Holiday Cocktail Time!

My apologies, but I believe in arriving fashionably late, and it's near 5PM here, so perfect for cocktails!

Here's my personal favorite with a twist:

Merry's Merry Christmas Fizz

2 shots (2 oz) Grenadine Syrup
12 oz. Seagrams Dry Ginger Ale 
4 oz Pineapple Juice
 Ice

Stir it up little darlin' and share it with your favorite loved one! 

By using the Seagrams Dry Ginger Ale, it's not too sweet, and the pineapple juice makes it nice and fruity.

Sorry, nobody here for my picture.

Our Host's Contribution 

Hermoinie's Contribution 

Ronnie's Contribution 

Poly Christmas Thoughts (12-24-2017)

Woke up 4AM couldn't sleep, so here I am. I know it's Christmas Eve, but since Shilo works on Christmas, I'm making Christmas dinner tonight (heaven knows how I'll do it next year!)


Anyway, Christmas dinner tonight, Christmas breakfast tomorrow on Christmas day. My son Babyman is with me, and he'll visit his dad's side of the family with Jonathan (who is feeling better) tomorrow. (Thank you for the prayers)


In the meantime, I've been trying (to no avail) to remember Mom's recipe for Christmas pork, and I even bought the pork and wine yesterday. I've made it a few times over the years when she was alive, and I even made it my first Christmas after marrying Shilo 4 years ago.


I finally went online this morning (since I couldn't sleep) and found a variation of it that was close enough to the original that I've remembered Mom's recipe (gotta buy GARLIC!!!) so I'm really looking forward to eating it with scrambled eggs and orange rolls on Christmas morning. I'm also trying a new (to me) recipe for ham that you make in the crockpot today for dinner. If you're curious, I'm making chili with Stitch on Christmas Day for dinner.


Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to ALL! Remember, it's not the date on the calendar that counts, it's the spirit in how you celebrate it!

Can't Do It

I have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and normally, I get through it with lots of fluids, plenty of rest, and what my former Therapist (Peter Pan)  called my "secret weapon." A really great antidepressant that has minimal side effects.  Unfortunately, it's not working as well as I hoped this month, and I'm not feeling anywhere close to my best. Add that Shilo is fighting his own demons, and it multiplies.

It's making for a less-than-happy December, and if you add that December 21 will make 5 years since my Mother died unexpectedly, I'm beginning to wonder if I will get through this month without becoming a sobbing incoherent mess that hides in bed all day and night.

I'm not incapable of happy moments, and I never completely give up. After all, as the saying goes: "The Show Must Go On," and I will do my very best to do so. It's just that it's becoming a bigger and bigger struggle to do it, and I sometimes worry that it will overtake me.  The good news is that as long as I struggle and worry about it, my mental health is okay. It's when I completely give up and give in that things become dangerous. I have never given up. I just have to muddle through this the best I know how.

I am very fortunate and thankful to have Shilo and Stitch by my side, and Donna as my support animal. She really does help, even though sometimes I wish she would give me more space.
  (Donna in space)

Maybe I need a pleasant distraction. Maybe I have too much time on my hands, and finding something to do for someone else will help. Anyway, I'm up for suggestions.

Thank you for reading this.

Merry

This really should be in my "About Me"

---

Well, part of it is, but not all of it. The "I have PTSD and SAD, amongst other things" is clearly stated there, if you dig deep enough. However, what isn't stated (and should be) is that my psychiatrist/therapist considers me to be medication compliant and stable. What is clearly stated in my chart is that I only call if there is a REALLY EXTREME PROBLEM This means that things are CRITICAL and the call is to be returned as soon as possible. I routinely joke that if I called every time something was wrong, I'd be calling almost daily, but I have enough common sense to call only when I feel I can't handle it anymore. So, when mom died 3 years ago? YES !!! When Shilo's mom died? Not right then, but I did notify so I could get my flying medication. When I first got Jonathan's cancer diagnosis? You better believe it!

So now I have friends offering assistance. I really appreciate it, and I will definitely take them up on it, but I honestly feel so confused that I don't know what I want or need right now. Jonathan isn't up to even having me visit, so I'm respecting his wishes. We're waiting to find out if any of his 4 brothers are a match for a bone marrow transplant, and those results are at least a week away, according to the Oncologist. "Hurry up and wait" is how it is. In the meantime, there are 'spots' in his lungs that were discovered in his last body scan, done on Tuesday, so we're waiting on the results of a bronchoscopy(sp?) that was was done on Thursday.

Am I worried? Honestly, not nearly as badly as I was when all this first started. Somehow, having a few more answers has calmed me down. We've had a few times already when it looked like Jon was close to dying, and I've felt so hopeless and helpless and frightened, but with him being somewhere where all the staff is experienced with cancer patients, I've actually been able to breathe easier. The statistics aren't that good, but if Jonathan hadn't gone to the ER when he did, he would have died on the plane trip to Japan that was planned a week after the ER visit. I know this is all borrowed time, so I'm thankful for every call, every hug, and every "I Love you Mom" that I get. Consider this a calm before the storm. I know it's coming, and I'm girding up for it. When it hits, I will call, I will text, I will take up those offers.

"So, Merry, what do want right now?" I want all my friends to have a Blessed Solstice, Happy Yule, Happy Festivus, Happy Mawlid Al Nabi, Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Boxing Day, Happy National Chocolate Day, Happy Bacon Day, and finally, A VERY Happy New Year! If I neglected to mention a date important to you, I apologize, and I hope it is as wonderful as you are!

One Year and Two Days Later

I’ve waited till now to write this because I was reluctant to write it any sooner. Losing my mother and coping with her sudden unexpected death was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Yes, there were things that I mourned over that I has more of a reaction to (Mom would understand) since her death, but she is who and what I miss most in my life. I have almost constant reminders of her, and now that I have my own place, my own home, I find little reminders of her in the strangest spots. Sometimes, I manage to smile or even laugh. Other times, I fall apart and cry loudly, but, mostly, my reactions are somewhere in between.

The Christmas tree: It was in a box on storage, and we emptied the storage earlier this month. It’s been in a box in the garage since then. Shilo finally broached the subject last week. I told him he could put it up. He did it on the one year anniversary of her death while I was out for the day. Seeing the lights through the living room window caused me to smile, but I haven’t put on the decorations or turned on the lights. I can’t. It’s just too hard right now. The nativity scene is still boxed up somewhere. Mom Loved it, and was a perfectionist in setting it up ‘just so.’ How can I possibly do it justice? How can I do any of this and give her honor? The sad truth is that I’m still feeling lost about it all. I need to figure it all out on my own, and I don’t have a map. I don’t even have a navigator. It’s just me, lost in a sea of darkness. Okay, maybe it’s not really that horrible, but it does feel like that at times, and while I try to fill these days just before Christmas, I avoid everything to do with it.

Avoiding everything: Christmas Carols at the stores… I run in and get out as quickly as possible when going to the mall. I went this past Friday and bought gifts for Stitch and Shilo. Total time: 25 minutes, most of which was spent in line to pay. I went again Saturday evening with Stitch to look for a dress but came home with nothing. I spent 45 minutes total in the stores that time. Running errands in other stores Saturday evening was an adventure. I was so preoccupied in my search that I didn’t notice the music if there was any. I’ve avoided Christmas specials on TV, but I did record “Rudolph” because it is my favorite program. I’ve not watched it yet. Not sure if I can get through it without crying. Lastly, the radio… I quickly change the station when I hear the beginning of any Christmas song. In fact, over the past month, I’ve only heard three songs, none of which caused me to cry.

I feel almost Grinch-like in my actions to the outside world, but, unlike the Grinch, I already know that Christmas is here, it’s coming fast, and I can’t stop it. It’s in the heart, and while it breaks mine to be without my mother, I know that there are children experiencing the wonder and joy of it for the very first time. Not one year olds, I mean slightly older, when they finally have a grasp of it. I try to be happy for them. Sunshine will hopefully always have that, but she’s not even interested in seeing Santa Claus this time. Yes, she’s sad too. She even hijacked my body for most of the weekend, but was kind enough to leave a few memories. I guess she was worried about me. Either way, I’m either sad or numb. NOT a good thing. I know it will eventually be easier, but I’m not there yet.

The victims: Yes, there are victims. Sunshine, who mourns mom’s death so greatly, more than I ever could. Stitch, because he loved her so much, and she was good to him. I’m not exactly sure how he feels, because I’m in my own bubble when it comes to this, but I’ll say that there have been more than a few times when we cried together. Finally, there is Shilo. Sweet Shilo came into this after the fact. He was told about all this in the beginning, but I feel like sometimes the entire situation is overwhelming. He’s comforted us (both Sunshine and me) in the car, the van, the grocery store, church, the mall, you name it, and he’s done so with such graciousness, kindness and Love, that I feel so very grateful to have him in my life. I also understand that mom had to die for me to have him in my life, and that I wouldn’t have the good things that I have in my life right now if mom hadn’t died (cause and effect) so I face that reality too.

Soo… Two days till Christmas and I’m still fighting myself, avoiding the places that mom and I would go to just so I won’t fall apart and cry. The psychologist in me tells me to go there because it would be cathartic, and the rest of me fights it,  not wanting to re-open those wounds, I’m not sure who will win, but I know that I’d better decide quickly, because time is running out and I actually need to get those things.

For those of you who celebrate, I hope your Christmas is happy and full of Joy. For the rest of you: Enjoy your hump day. I think I’ll survive.