From The Heart

The following is an email I sent to my FIL today. I'm sharing it here because we so often forget about our parents and children as we get older. The names were changed to protect the guilty. 

Dear Dad,
I know the past few months have been so difficult for you, and if it was in my power, I'd remove the pain that both you and Shilo have gone through. I cannot begin to imagine what you've been through, because, while I've been through significant losses myself, I don't live in your mind, and since we all experience pain differently, I cannot say that I know how YOU feel, but I will say I've had similar circumstances in my life.

One thing is evident, and that is the Love you have for Mom. I saw it in your eyes when we all met the very first time, I heard it in your voice when you spoke to her, and your emails showed me all the more how strong your Love is. I speak in the present term, because Love never dies. Love continues on, even after we are no longer on Earth.

I feel blessed to have met both of you, and I recall telling Shilo how fortunate he was to have both his parents. How, even though he might go months without seeing you that he spoke to you as often as possible, sharing his life with the both of you. Very early in our marriage, when we came for Shilo's birthday, Mom took me out back in the garden and talked to me about many things, but what stuck with me were the words, "Merry, take very good care of Shilo. He's the only son we have left," I promised her I would, and I have. Shilo stopped smoking, and together, we're dealing with his health issues. Ask anyone who knows us, and they will tell you of the Love and concern we have for each other.
Well, those words Mom told me has stuck with me over the difficult year that Shilo has had health-wise, but it all came rushing to me when you called Shilo last week to tell him of Mom's death. As we held each other and cried, Mom's words suddenly had a new meaning. She was also reminding me that she was the only Mother Shilo has, and you're the only Father Shilo has. Yes, I know what it's like to lose your parents, and I understand his pain, although I don't know how he feels, because I'm not him. All I know is that I promised to be by his side, no matter what, and by going with him, I did what I promised, and, more importantly, I know it was what Mom would have expected of me.

I hope I wasn't an inconvenience to you. I did my very best to stay out of the way. I Love Shilo so very much, and I will keep my promises to him, and also to Mom. I know Shilo is different in many ways, and that's why I Love him so very much. He doesn't follow someone else's path, he makes his own. He's not like other men. He has a tenderness and gentleness that I've never seen before. He has strong opinions, much like you do, although they might sometimes be the opposite of yours, he gets that attribute from you. I see you in him, and I wonder if you do too. He Loves you so very much, but he doesn't know how to show it, and the words are so easy to say.

Shilo doesn't know about this email, He's asleep, but I promise you, I will take good care of him as much as I'm able to, because he's the only son you have, and I'm asking you to take good care of yourself, because you're the only Father he has. Both of you are suffering so much right now, but please don't fall in so deep that you forget each other.

Love,
Merry

So Much Heartache!

For the past few months, my FIL has been sending out email "blasts" to everyone in his address book about my MIL. I understand the need to do so, and it never bothered me. In fact, the only thing that bothered me was the people who clicked on "Respond to all" vs. "Respond." Mostly because I really don't want to read what others had to say.

So, as anyone reading this knows, my FIL called Shilo on Sunday morning to tell him my MIL had died. Monday morning, we received an email blast about a 'Celebration of life' on Friday. I mentioned this to Shilo, and he stated that he thought there was going to be a funeral on Oklahoma, so I had no reason to be concerned. (Okay dear, whatever you say...) So, late Monday afternoon, as Shilo was preparing for work, my FIL called him and asked if he received the email. (Why, yes I did... why?) It turns out that this is it, there will be no funeral on Oklahoma. Shilo stated of course he would be there, but he wanted (needed) me with him. I will stop here and say that if my FIL had died, my MIL would have (naturally) insisted that I come with Shilo, and wouldn't have had a second thought about paying for me. I do understand my FIL's distress, however, I was shocked when he told Shilo that he couldn't afford for me to come, in spite of Shilo stating how I felt she was a second mother to me because I was still mourning my mother when we met. I was very hurt by his refusal, but I did my best to understand.  Then there was the scramble for us to get enough money for me to go, ending with the bank's  refusal to raise my credit so I could buy a roundtrip ticket. It was just too much for me to handle. I was a sobbing mess. I just couldn't handle the thought of Shilo doing this on his own, and we all need someone when a parent dies, and I'm his someone.

I went in the bedroom crying, and Shilo woke up to the sound of me sobbing, as I told him I did everything I could, but it wasn't good enough.  Somehow, he has enough peace of mind to tell me that he'd figure out a way.  After looking at my available credit, and Stitch's available credit, Shilo suggested that I buy a one way ticket there using my credit card, and a one way ticket back using Stitch's credit card. It worked! I almost cried again. Yes, my emotions are a bit unstable right now.  I'm embarrassed to say that I told my therapist on the phone Monday that I was "okay." But, really, I was at that time. It wasn't until all the other stuff happened that I fell apart. Anyway, Shilo called his dad and told him I was coming too. I'm honestly not sure if I'm welcome, but I'm going because my husband needs me, and that's all that matters.

With this resolved, today was Shilo's appointment with the GI Specialist ($60 OUCH!)  He will FINALLY get the the necessary tests done, so I'm happy. I really do feel like a heavy weight was lifted off my shoulders. Also, on the way to the appointment, Shilo got a text from his boss that made me cry again. His boss arranged for a limo to not only take us to the airport in the morning, but also for a pickup on Saturday. I was really touched by that gesture. God knows how many more times I'll be crying over the next few days, but I'm crying again just by writing about it. So, pickup is 4AM, and I'm not sure if I'll stay up all night or get a few hour's sleep.

I will say that Shilo is still (understandably) stressed out over the whole situation, and he's grouchy, but who can blame him? I'm just taking things minute by minute now. I still have errands to run, so signing off now.

Reality (incomplete Post)

I wrote this after midnight, and I know I'll never complete it because of everything else that went on since I started writing this piece.I'm leaving this for Shilo at his request.

Whenever I take the time to write here, I realize I'm subject to public scrutiny. I know I have people from around the world that read what I write, and they also read what Shilo writes. About 24 hours ago, Shilo wrote some opinions on his blog that I felt were controversial. I read it just as I was preparing for bed, and rather than write a drawn out response to those things, I made a rather quick reply to other things, choosing instead to write a piece on my blog after waking up and before leaving on church business that I knew would have me gone all day. I left home about 9:45 in the morning, and got home at about 10:30 at night. It was a LONG day, and now I'm so wired I can't sleep. It sucks!

Shilo will often act and not think about long-term consequences of his actions. I wouldn't say he's bad-tempered, but he can be fiery and his opinions are strong. He's stubborn, self-willed, opinionated, passive-aggressive and sweet. Every two weeks, we have a quiet argument where I swear that one day soon the two of us will just walk out on each other in disgust until we really come to our senses and run back into each others arms. Think what you want, but understand that our Love for each other is very strong.I'm not giving up that easily, and neither is he. He's stubborn, remember? Well, so am I.

And that's where I stopped. I decided to go to bed and check out his entry for replies, which ended up with us having a misunderstanding in the comments section. Which brought us to this morning where we finally somewhat got clear on things, and as he prepared to actually get sleep, I briefly walked out of the room to talk to Stitch, which is when Shilo's dad called to tell him his mom had died. What a fucked up Sunday we've had! Suddenly, our petty misunderstanding isn't so important anymore. What really matters is our Love for each other. And that is always the only really important thing.  Because we have each other, and we are committed to each other. Tell your significant other how much you care, how important they are. Don't allow misunderstandings to cripple your relationships. Will we have another misunderstanding? I have no doubt we will, but I also know we will work hard to resolve it, because that's how we are.

Sincerely,
Merry

Just a Sad Day

I'm feeling numb right now.  I started this whole journey in March by crying. I've cried off and on about this, so I can't really cry a anymore.

My MIL died this morning of metastatic brain cancer. As much as it was expected, it still hit us hard. Still, I'm so grateful for the time I had with her. She loved and accepted me and spoiled me rotten when we were together. She came at a time when I was still dealing with the death of my own mother, and she eased the pain. I truly feel blessed that I had someone as kind and wonderful as her in my life.

She deserves so much more than a blip on the screen, but it's all I can do right now.

Shilo

This is written to give him a "heads up," but I'm sure that it might be entertaining for others as well...

Over the past few days, Shilo and I have been discussing BDSM structures, Female Led Domestic Discipline, Relationships, polyamory, and whole bunch of other things. All of them are heavy-duty, and they all relate directly to us, our marriage, our relationship, and our Household. Some things, Shilo has even dared to write in his journal, and a few of his opinions expressed are quite controversial. Still, those are his opinions, and he's allowed to express them. I know he wrote some things to elicit a response from me, and instead, I chose not to respond to those remarks. He wrote some things he feels about our relationship and how he views them. How a person views something and how they are can be two different things. I'm neither agreeing or disagreeing with those things at this point. I'm just putting it out there that I read it and took it all in.

So, what does this really mean? It means that I may or may not agree with his stated opinions, depending on what they are. What he wrote about his views on our relationship has some similarities to how it is for us as I see it, but, again, not all. I will say that his health issues have caused a 'shift' in our relationship, and if you add the fiasco about Sherman to it, you can say that the past 13 or so months have had a HUGE effect on where we are now at this moment. While there have been negative effects, there also have been positive, and the positive outweighs the negative. We're exploring, and with our explorations, we've learned new truths about ourselves and each other. We've broken down much of the "smoke and mirrors" and see some things clearly. Both of us have become strengthened and hurt by these revelations.

What's important to know is that at the end of the day, this all relates to us. My relationship with Shilo. It has  almost no effect on how I am with others. the give and take part is different, but it doesn't make me any less Merry, and it doesn't make him any less Shilo. How we relate and react to each other, not the outside world.

So is there "smoke and mirrors" to others? Do we hide behind a veil? I think all couples do. I mean, how or why we do things isn't always for public consumption. The important thing for you to know is that the spankings and discipline are very real. I am turning his ass that lovely color. The corner time is real. I really do make him sing "Twinkle, twinkle little bat."  My laughter is real. I enjoy all this. I am a Sadist, he is a masochist. We enjoy each other. We Love each other. The chastity is real. He does wear those devices for up to a week or more. The devotion we have to each other is real.

Will I address these things further? Will I give a heartfelt response with my feeling bared for all to see? That's yet to be determined.... But for now...

I heard you Shilo.  I Love you Shilo.

Please allow me the time to take it all in.

Merry

Tiny Update AKA: How I Know I'm Cared For

My MIL is not well. She hasn't been for several months, so it was no surprise that Shilo received a phone call Tuesday night (7-7) telling him that his father agreed to put her in a hospice facility. It was a bit of a surprise that my FIL called Shilo Wednesday morning and asked him to come as soon as possible. Alone. Without me.

Don't misunderstand: I wasn't angry or hurt over the request. I know that it's cheaper for one than it is two, and he's their son. I'm just the daughter-in-law. That didn't bother me, still I was upset enough that I left and Sunshine showed up crying in frustration. According to Shilo, she said the same thing I did. (Paraphrased below)

"But since we've been together (and married) we've never been apart except for my business meetings when you couldn't go with me. You've never gone away before. It makes me sad and angry (scared is better word) because you aren't supposed to leave me."

I (we) didn't take it well, but there was no way to change the situation. Crying doesn't help either, other than letting go of the pain. I wrote about how I was feeling on my Fet blog, and made mention of Shilo leaving on my FB page. I needed to work through it, and writing is my way of working through things.

Something wonderful happened when Shilo left. I received phone calls, messages, and encouraging notes from (people I consider as) friends. Spike even called me on Friday afternoon! Spike calling might not sound like a big deal, unless you realize that he's currently dealing with his own shitstorm, and I wasn't expecting to hear from him until sometime in early August. (yes, he's THAT busy!) The emotional support I received warmed my heart, and kept me calm, because I realized I do have people I can talk to and cry with. I also reminded myself that this was temporary, and that, barring any emergencies or acts of God, Shilo would be back in a few days at the most.

Today is the day! He should be landing at LAX in about 8 hours. I'll admit, I have had a few nightmares, but they weren't so bad that I woke up screaming or afraid, and tonight I'll be sleeping safely in his arms.

I'm kind of proud of myself for not having any huge meltdowns during his absence, not that I want him to go away without me, but it looks like I can handle it after all.