Quick Post

When I think about where I was 11 months ago, and now, I'm honestly surprised.  Shilo might read this, but because it's not really a secret, I figure why not? I wrote some about what's been happening back in September (https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2018/09/whats-really-been-going-on.html) and, other than that, I've been pretty quiet.

So let me take you all back a little further. He (my Master) discussed collaring me in mid-July, and at that time, I had a theoretical conversation with both Shilo and Stitch about it.  Probably because Stitch as been around so long, he enthusiastically supported it, and Shilo was much less enthusiastic, but said he was okay with it.

I didn't bring it up with them again, knowing that December was far off, and that would be the soonest my Master and I could go to an event that sold collars, but I had looked at several online, and decided that because I have metal allergies, anodized aluminum chainmail would work best.

In the meantime, there has been some health issues with Shilo, and we have been practicing "The Show Must Go On" mantra. In other words, don't allow situations stop us from living, and we got some answers on the morning of November 30th, and Stitch and myself already had plans to go away that weekend. Me with my Master, him with my Master's wife.  I swear, it's not as kinky as it sounds. So the following day was the event we had been waiting for, and I was presented with what I feel is a lovely collar.

 See how happy I look? Well, I realize that Shilo isn't too wild about surprises, so I sent him a more somber looking picture of myself in the collar (Deleted because it was just that ugly) on Sunday morning and he was less than happy about it.  When I came home Sunday night, he was at work, but we managed to have a rational discussion, where I agreed that if it ever bothered him, he would be allowed to remove it, but he must be willing to put it on me whenever I ask. He later told me that his choice was to treat it like a necklace. So far, in the nearly 2 weeks since I've had it, he has not chosen to remove it. I removed it once, about a week ago when I retouched the purple in my hair, and I figured out how to put it back on.

It's loose enough that I don't feel choked by it, and it has just enough weight that I can feel it most days,  Laying on my back is a bit of a problem, because even though it's not tight, it "feels" tight, because the excess goes to the back. It's all in my mind, I know it's not tight, but I will sometimes have a brief moment of panic. So, other than that, life is going on as best as can be expected.

I am also seeing a transgender woman on a casual basis, and we have a rather interesting backstory, but that's for another day.

Picture For Halloween

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

 

My Costume: 

Yeah, I cut off my head (or most of it!)

 

Needs

Originally on my Fetlife Page.

Specifically emotional needs. We all have them. I'm learning that ignoring them isn't good, and it adds to my pain. This is an attempt to put it all in one place because I really am a scattered person, and if I don't anchor soon, I will be swallowed by the crashing waves.

It would be easy to say I need Love. The problem for me is that I view Love as an umbrella. It's what you see, but it covers so many things, and I'm more inclined to break it down into bite size pieces. This is my attempt to break it down. In no particular order.

Touch: I'm not talking sex. Better a hug that makes me feel safe. Touching my hands, arms, shoulders and face. (with permission of course, unless we're close) The one thing this year has taught me is that I'm touch starved. It took a horrible breakup and new relationship with someone that sees right through me to make this clear. The first time I heard it, I wanted to fight, I wanted to argue, and call him a liar. He may be a lot of things, but he's not a liar, and he was right. Thanks to him, I'm no longer in starvation mode, but I can say that I'm still hungry.

Understanding: Really listening to my words, body language, and verbal cues. Reading between the lines. I'm very expressive. Yes, I've had people tell me that I "speak in parables" but it's my understanding that Jesus spoke in parables so only the ones meant to understand would. I couldn't be more clear right now.

Affection: Yes, touch is a part of it, but only a small part. Words also play a part in this. Not only in what is said, but how it is said. While my vocabulary hasn't increased in volume that much, I will say that there are words that "soften" me now that didn't before. It's all in the tone and usage. Experimenting and using those words on me has the same effect as a reward in my brain. The positive effect leaves me feeling good. Still, it's easy to "break" me.

Communication: Talk to me. Tell me what you are feeling, and also how I can make things better, whether it's just listening, a hug, or even assistance in problem-solving. I know that I prefer to just be heard, but if there's a different way you want a response let me know. My preferences (in order) are face-to-face, phone, email, notes and text. I have to really like/love you to text. Mostly because an actual conversation is faster. I do have a few people who I actually dread reading their texts. Please don't be "that person."

Comfort: This is another complex thing. It comes in many flavors. Touch, words, food, even a look from across a room or a table. That look of recognition, the sometimes shy smile. Looks like that can melt me in an instant. The nonverbal 'conversations' that only we understand. Sometimes just knowing what it means will keep me warm.

Kindness: Being cruel is so easy, but being kind in the face of difficulty takes only a little more effort. Smiling instead of frowning, trying to show some compassion, offering to help, and actually doing it. That last one can be as easy as making a specific offer, or even asking. No, I don't need any help. I just thought I'd add it because it's a good thing to keep in mind for others.

Routine: Okay, I'll admit it: I live a very unscheduled life, but planned activities and outings keep me feeling adjusted. Knowing that unless the world ends, or there's an emergency, or I'm sick, I'll be having dinner with some friends every Friday night is comforting. That's just one example, but it's a good one.

Honesty: Yes, even the "hurtful" things. The unadulterated unedited truth. My closest relationships are based on it. Does that dress look ugly on me? Tell me! I don't want to go out wearing it if it's unflattering. Especially if we are close, I expect feedback. Mostly though, I want to know what's on your mind, why you feel how you feel, and if you can tell me what you really did last week with that mystery person. I'll give it back to you as well.

What I Don't Need

Criticism: Especially if it doesn't come with specific ways to make things better. My desire is to be a positive influence and be helpful. (It doesn't mean I'm subservient at all. It's just how I am)

Extended Silence: I don't mean quiet time. I enjoy my quiet time. I mean a complete lack of communication. It plays on my abandonment issues.

Anger: Specifically, unresolved anger. Talking about what is causing the anger and working out a solution, agreeing to disagree, or using mediation is better. Sometimes there is no solution, but deciding how to handle those things is important.

Abandonment: Whether "ghosting," disappearing for extended periods, or just not trying to work with me. Better to just tell me so I can work it out in my head. Yes, I know that things come to an end, but discussing things liker adults make it so much easier.

Abuse: Whether it's verbal, emotional, or physical. Need I say more?

I'll stop here. I think it covers the important (to me) stuff.

Thank you for reading this. Thank you also to the people (members of my extended polycule) who inspired me to write this.

Wanting To Share My Story

But oh-so-unwilling to cause my loving Husband Shilo any pain while he processes his feelings of jealousy and insecurity. Both needs are equally important to me right now. Any suggestions?

In the meantime, I leave you with this thought:

“We write to taste life twice”

― Anaïs Nin (1903-1977)

What's REALLY been going on

I will start by saying that while Shilo is completely aware of what has been going on; or, at least as much as he wants to know, 2018 has definitely been a year of change for me, and it has taken me in a very unexpected direction. It's not necessarily bad, but it has, on occasion caused an upheaval within my Household, particularly when it comes to my husband Shilo. He has requested that I not discuss details with him, and so, Shilo, if you happen to be reading this, I ask that you stop now unless you have changed your mind regarding knowing details. Thank you my Husband, I Love you with all my heart.

Okay, for those of you left, it's no secret that my online presence has been sporadic for the past 6 months. Yes, I read you, but my replies, if any, rarely occur on the publishing date. Long story short, I've been away at least one weekend a month, and even when I'm home, I'm preoccupied.

So, What Is It Merry?

 

 

That would require us to go back quite a bit. If you go back to July 2017 through January 2018, you'll have a pretty clear view of how a really good polyamorous relationship can turn to shit in the blink of an eye. I was forced to learn to Love myself more, and when my ego took such a hard blow, and I was falling apart emotionally, I felt unlovable, and it was a struggle to get my head together. I simply wanted to hide and never attend another event ever again.  If it wasn't for my female friend helping me that fateful night in January (https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2018/01/the-aftermath.html) my life would no doubt be a disaster right now. Instead, thanks to her insight, I am in a very happy relationship with her husband! I didn't stutter, Yes, on that night, she suggested that I "try out" a toy with her husband! Her husband didn't interest me at all, but the toy (a Sybian) did. They didn't have it that night, and they were both sick in February and March, so when April arrived, I went to the Munch they host, and talked to them about bringing it to the next dungeon party.

She suggested that I negotiate the scene with her husband before the party by email, so I spent 2 weeks emailing back and forth with her husband. At this point, I should mention that they are a Dominant/Dominant couple, and my interest was simply trying something I've always wanted to do. I should also mention that, yes, I am a Sadist, but I do have a masochistic side to me, and sometimes, it presents itself in the most unusual way.

Finally, the night arrived, and Shilo went with me so he could drive. It was the last time he set foot in a dungeon. He had told me the week before that he was no longer interested in a FLR-DD relationship, and he had no interest in funishment either. I wasn't concerned about it, because I figured I'd have the forced orgasm scene with my friend's husband, go home, and just forget about BDSM for a while. After all, I was still having issues from my accident, and we hadn't done much since my recovery anyway. No real loss, I thought.  (There I go thinking again!) The scene went okay, but I was a bit too intimidated by the noise and people, so I couldn't completely "let go" but I had quite a few quiet orgasms. I was definitely worked up, and I went over to hug him in thanks, and he whacked my ass with his big bear paw hands. It was enough to flip a switch in my brain. Let's say that I was hooked, but I didn't know it yet. I was giggling and having fun. Then I saw his face. He was smiling! Laughing, even! In all my time knowing him, he was serious and standoffish.  I guess a switch flipped for him as well.

I didn't even realize that we had chemistry at that moment, but it was developing, and within the course of a month, he won my heart. My friend, his wife, was happy until she saw the change. What change? Well, let's just say that while I'm no less a Dominant/Mistress in my household, I became increasingly submissive (dare I say, slavish?) towards her husband. In fact, I am his slave. What can I say? It crept up on me, and as my Love for him has increased, I've become even more devoted to him in that way. While Stitch (my long-term Partner) is thrilled, Shilo has done his best to be happy for me, but it's been a struggle for him to watch. Knowing that not only have I become a slave to this man, but I'm in Love with him, and because he doesn't want the details, his imagination is carrying him into some heavy-duty scenarios. I could reassure Shilo that there's been no intercourse (yet) and that there's very little (if any) spanking me involved, but I doubt that will completely reassure him. Besides, he refuses to listen to any details. All he knows is that we are really into each other, and I spend at least one weekend a month with him (and his wife, although there's nothing going on between her and myself. ::shudders::) plus I see him every Friday night for a few hours.

So... Here I am, a full time Dominant, Mistress and slave. It's not nearly as contradictory as it sounds, and I have found a balance and Peace of mind beyond what I ever imagined.

So, now that you are all armed with that information, feel free to ask any questions.

Thoughts From A Hospital Room (8-3-18)

I slept well last night. I guess after having sat in the ER for so long, without food, I was pretty well tired by the time they put Shilo in a hospital room at around 1:30. Keeping in mind that I need to take care of myself, I made a point to eat lunch before I left him alone so I could go take a nap. I visited last night as well, and spent an hour just talking to him.

I woke up about 7 this morning, and was at the hospital by 8. I stopped at the cafeteria to get breakfast, and just as I was finishing up, the ER doctor from yesterday and the echocardiogram technician showed up. Currently, I'm watching that echocardiogram being done. It's rather fascinating; not only is he taking pictures of the heart but also it shows the beat of the heart like an EKG would. Shilo needs to be cleared by the Cardiologist before he can be sent home.

Honestly, I'm just glad that he's feeling better.  I'm really hoping there's nothing wrong and that he can come home.  The echocardiogram technician said that his heart looks good, that the cardiologist has to decide if he's good enough to go home. More information as I get it.

Late August 2, 2018 Post

Shilo came home from work at about 7:30 this morning,  and looked pale, like death warmed over, and he climbed into bed, and told me he wasn't feeling well.

When I asked him what was wring, he said "Chest pain, and it's hard to breathe." I immediately got up, dressed myself and assisted him in getting dressed and drove him to the closest hospital. After several hours of assessments, they decided because of his age (almost 62) and other health issues, that they were going to keep him overnight for observation, but by the time he was admitted, it was past 1PM.

I've had a particularly long day as well, so I'm keeping this short.  He's feeling better than he was, and he's on a heart monitor. I will add an update tomorrow once I know something.

♥
Merry

::Thinking:: (3-17-18)

Numbered, but in no particular order of importance...

1. I seem to be incapable of staying angry or upset, or even hold a grudge for very long. I "blame" it on my belief system. Forgiving (but not forgetting) is how I handle most things. Sure, I need a "cooling off" period where I will cut off all communication so I can heal, but once that's over, I can allow that person into my life in small doses, but I rarely, if ever, invite them back. I also treat them with caution so I don't get hurt again.  I don't believe in blaming a person, even if they did something wrong, choosing instead to start over.

My only exception is my oldest, who I cut off a year ago in hopes that he would straighten out his life. (tough love) I purposely avoid speaking to him.

2. I've really enjoyed my time of self-reflection, and I'm happy to share that I really believe my decision to focus on current friendships/relationships instead of looking for something new was a great idea. I still haven't gotten to all of my tertiaries (people I rarely see, but love with all my heart) but I'm working on it. The best thing has come out of this decision... I've discovered how much I really love and care for someone, and it really makes me feel good, because I wasn't looking for it at all. It has truly surprised me on a very good way, because it was so unlikely. I want this (and really all) my relationships to form without pressure.

3. I'm learning more about myself, and probably the best thing I learned is that even though I'm polyamorous (I'm capable of loving more than one person) and pansexual (I'm attracted to the person, not the gender) I'm also demisexual. (I have to love the person and feel attached before I can even think of being sexual with them) It's really put things into focus for me, and suddenly everything makes sense. Understanding my attachments and why they are the way they are means I will have better control in the future in the sense that I can avoid bad relationship habits.

4. As a result of all of the above, I've had some intense "conversations" with Shilo, and I'm hoping that it will result in better communication with him. If nothing else, at least I know what questions to ask when he turns quiet and how to better solve our problems. Also, before anyone comes at me to say they never have problems, I call bullshit. In any  healthy relationship, there are times when one will disagree with the other person. That's when talking about feelings comes in handy. If I've learned anything, it's that just because I'm the one with the authority, it doesn't mean I should arbitrarily decide on something without consulting with the rest of the Household. Changes are much easier if everyone is on board in advance. Avoiding a mutiny is always a wise idea.

My Anger? (1-21-18)

Really???!!! What is this anger you speak of, and why do you think that my anger, if any, is focused on anyone other than myself? I’m a grown-up and I make my own decisions. Sure, I might consult with Shilo or Stitch, and my Mentor when he was alive, but the end decision to do something is my own. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m guilty of poor decisions in the past. I’ll even admit that I’m guilty of poor decisions in the recent past. Sometimes, I’ll even allow my emotions to guide my decisions, and love is a pretty powerful emotion.

No, I don’t feel anger. I do feel pain and disappointment, with both myself and others. How could I have trusted someone with my heart? Why do I love and trust others at all? Even though I could easily say there was deceit, the deceit isn’t solely on the other person, because I deceived myself as well. Probably more than they did. I wanted to believe that the love was reciprocal. Maybe it was. Unfortunately, sometimes, love just isn’t enough.

Polyamory, for me, at least, is less about sex and sexual activity than love. Love is the common denominator. Love is always there. I’m all for others having as much sex as they want (preferably safely) but love comes first for me. If I don’t love you, I won’t engage in sexual intercourse with you. I tell others, and they just don’t get it. They believe it’s about sex for everyone. That’s fine, it’s just not for me.

Those of you reading this might be surprised by what I’m about to write, mostly because I have remained silent, and I didn’t want to cause trouble or further heartache for someone, but in the past week, I have been accused of (in no particular order) overreacting, being irrational, unreasonable, intentionally causing problems, backstabbing, telling lies about someone, being mean, being malicious, not being sex-positive, and dragging someone through the mud, when the truth was (and has always been) that I have always spoken about this person in complimentary ways. Telling others how wonderful, caring, and considerate this person was, and when I was asked about what happened between us, I’ve only said that it was a miscommunication, and that we were unable to reach an agreement.

I understand now that by using those words against me, it was a pathetic attempt to cause me to feel guilt. To that, I say “too late!” I already felt guilty when I realized what a poor decision I made. Maybe if I had received kindness instead, I wouldn’t be where I am now.

Regrets? Here is my answer to that:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dwk0Sh3id4w

The Aftermath

It's over. 

3 ½ years after it began. It was my decision based on my (now ex) boyfriend's actions. In a way, he made it easy, in another way, he ripped me to shreds. I loved him. I still love him, and it hurts.

So many feelings... hurt, betrayed, disrespected, and sadness that the events leading to the breakup happened. Put simply, he cheated. I know that some people can't understand how polyamorous people can cheat, so I will explain:

We had an agreement in place. I have my own personal guidelines that Stitch and I put in place when we first started this journey.  Later, when Shilo entered my life, he agreed to the guidelines. When I started dating my boyfriend, he agreed to my personal rules regarding how sexual activity with me is handled as well. Right about 2 years after we started dating, he requested and fulfilled the final requirement for us to engage in intercourse. There had been kissing, touching, and oral sex early in the relationship, but no intercourse.

Anyway, once that final hurdle was passed, I had permission to engage in intercourse with him. How much, how often is mostly irrelevant. What is relevant is that as time passed, I realized that we needed parameters with each other. Negotiations ensued, and our relationship was good. It was healthy. We saw each other frequently and enjoyed each other's company.

In early August, he asked about becoming fluid bonded(ref: https://www.verywell.com/fluid-bonding-3132610)  with me, but he wanted me to have a  full set of STD tests which includedHSV1, HSV2, and HPV. I was fine with that, but imagine my horror when my doctor told me that I would have to see a GYN doctor! Okay, now you're probably wondering what's so horrible about seeing a GYN doctor. I have PTSD, and some of that is related to a rape exam I had when I was raped in July 2004. Just seeing the stirrups causes a panic attack. Waiting 4 weeks for the appointment was hell, and then having to drag Shilo with me so he could help me get through the exam was emotionally exhausting.

Naturally, I tested negative for everything but HSV1 (cold sore virus) and since he has HSV1 as well, it was okay. When he fucked the other woman he started seeing last month, (ref: comments on  https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2017/12/processing-12-28-2017.html)  it was without a condom, but then he told me that they would be using a condom with each other after that. I took him at his word. He never mentioned if or when she was tested.

In the meantime, we engaged in unprotected sex early this month. He never mentioned anything about the other girl, so I assumed it was okay, and that they were using condoms.

UNTIL...

Well, until Saturday (1-13) evening. Shilo was going to the hospital for tests, and I wanted to attend a party, and since my boyfriend was attending, he agreed to drive me and have me spend the night. He had mentioned wanting to "talk" so I was kind of prepared for less-than-good news. When I asked him what the news was, I realized that I really wasn't prepared for what I heard.

What I heard was "I don't care about our agreement or the health of Shilo and Stitch, or even you. I've been fucking (girl) without a condom, and I plan to continue." What he said was "I've been having sex with (girl) frequently without a condom."  When I asked why, he said "It just happened."

WHAT THE EVER-LIVING FUCK???!!!

Was my thought, but instead I expressed my anger and disappointment at his irresponsibility and lack of concern for not only my safety but the safety of my Household, and I started sobbing uncontrollably. In the meantime, we had arrived at the venue, and I got myself together the best way I knew how, and said that I wasn't ready to deal with it. When we walked in, I put on my happy brave face, and talked to a few people, avoiding my boyfriend, and  struggling to keep myself together. 

I actually had one scene planned with a young man, and after announcements, I played with him for about thirty minutes. Then I noticed my boyfriend playing with the other girl, and because I couldn't handle it, I walked into the front office and tried to regain my rapidly-disappearing composure. One of the leaders who is a friend asked me if I was okay, and it put me over the edge, and I stared to cry again.

When she heard the story, she said "You aren't going home with him, are you?" I was at a party in the middle of Orange County, and I live in Long Beach. What else was I supposed to do??  There wasn't anyone at the party who lived anywhere near Long Beach, and most of the people were passing acquaintances at best.  One of the other leaders offered to let me stay overnight with him and his wife, and I immediately refused because I didn't know him, and had no clue who his wife was.

Fortunately, my friend vouched for him, and when he offered again, I agreed. I found my boyfriend, asked him to let me get my medication out of the car, and then took all my stuff out. He didn't notice. I spent most of the rest of the evening until the party was over in the office alternating between crying and regaining my composure. Sometime during my more composed times, the wife came in, and it turned out that I did know her. She was happy to have me overnight, so I at least felt comfortable with the idea. 

Just before the party ended, I told my boyfriend that my friend wanted me to stay with her so I could help her with some things in the morning, and when he asked, I told him that I had my stuff. I had sent a text to Child #2 telling him that I was at a party, and I wasn't going home with my boyfriend, so I wanted him to have the address of where I was going to be.

Once I was back at the home of my wonderful host and hostess, and settled, I laid down and cried all night. Sleep eluded me. I was so very sad and miserable, and I knew I had to end it, but taking the advice of my friend, and another friend I had emailed the night before, I decided to wait a few days until my head was clear. I didn't want to react emotionally and lose my composure, and I was really afraid that I'd be unable to do it. 

When they drive me home on Sunday afternoon, I had already notified Stitch by text that I didn't stay overnight with my boyfriend and that I'd explain when I got home. I burst into tears again as I told Stitch and Shilo what happened.  I was fully expecting an  "I told you so" from Shilo, and instead he comforted me and held me, and gently undressed me, set up my CPAP, and tucked me in bed.

I was just so very sad, and I cried whenever I was awake. On Monday evening, my boyfriend sent me an email saying he was ready to talk when I was, and I suggested a text on Tuesday evening. 

When Tuesday came, he wanted to talk on the phone, but I realized that no matter how composed I thought I was, that I'd be unable to talk on the phone without losing it. So I insisted on text. Two hours and fifteen minutes later, it was over.

He never did accept responsibility for his behavior, stating that he did nothing wrong, and insisting that my tears and questions was not only overreacting, but irrational as well! Again I say

WHAT THE EVER-LIVING FUCK???!!!

It's like my eyes were finally opened, and I realized that he was completely oblivious to the pain he caused, and I was being gaslighted besides. That is a painful truth for me. It took him breaking our agreement for me to finally see the ugly painful truth.

What tears me apart most right now is that I  still love him, but I Love myself more, and I have to do what's best for me and my Household.

My only final thought is that even though it's over, we were able to communicate, and other that that one HUGE whatever (I really don't know what to call it) our relationship was strong, and I feel it was a successful polyamory relationship, and I'm not discouraged from trying again, but right now, I just want to focus on enriching existing relationships with friends and acquaintances and not rush into another relationship. That can wait until my heart and emotions are stronger.

Half Past Midnight

Happy New Year! May 2018 bring you all the Joy you can handle.