Been A While

I have so MANY partially written things from the last month or two. It's not funny.

Shilo and myself finally hit a wall in late June-early July and it wasn't pretty. I knew about the activity he was engaging in, and I was okay with it at first, but as it progressed, it became a problem in our marriage. I was more and more unhappy, and I felt like he was cheating on me. I know that some people wouldn't understand cheating in polyamory, but it exists.

WHAT IS CHEATING IN POLYAMORY?

Everyone runs their polyamory differently, and for us, it includes lying about a relationship, hiding information from each other, or doing something we agreed not to do. EXAMPLE: I see Master "B" and we fuck like bunnies.and I say nothing about it to Shilo. Engaging in intercourse with him is permitted, we agreed it was okay, but I am required to inform Shilo about it as soon as it is possible. Hiding that information is cheating OR I meet someone, and there's instant attraction so We go someplace and have sex.  I'm not supposed to have sex with anyone without them first meeting Stitch and Shilo and getting their approval to date. Then I need their permission to have sex. Or, in Shilo's case, he has to talk to me about his feelings regarding a woman, and she has to meet me and follow our other rules.  Consider this the TL;DR version.

 Anyway, Shilo did several things that counts as cheating, and while he confessed to some things, he hid others, and I discovered them on my own. I was furious, but I was really more disappointed than anything. I actually considered leaving, but I realized that wasn't the answer. I'm still here. He's still here, and we're working on things. I can now look at his messages, emails, and phone whenever I want. I don't shove it in his face, and he is quick to tell anyone who messages him that I am reading along. And no, I'm not constantly looking, but I DO look, and I'm shocked at the amount of women who want him to sneak and hide things from me.

Shilo's cheating was a shock to my system and a wake-up call as far as our relationship goes. We're healing, but it's slow, and there are occasional arguments and my emotions can be all over the place.  I went out with the woman who was my Maid of Honor when I married Shilo, and we talked about it. I don't have many female friends, and of the few I do have, not all of them know about my polyamory. This is an embarrassment to me, so the less my people know about it, the better.

Keep in mind that while I'm retired, I still have responsibilities and things I do, including taking care of my older sister. She has advancing dementia and also had lung cancer surgery in February 2020. Since COVID hit, I've been buying her groceries and checking in on her every other day or so. It works for us, and I don't mind helping her out. After all, she is family, and being her caregiver is something that I take seriously.

So, the last week of July, it was HOT and while I kept in contact with her, I last visited her on Sunday (7-25) and called her on Monday and Tuesday, because I was feeling sick, and when I feel that way, I avoid face to face visits.  When Thursday (7-29) came along, I had an uneasy feeling, so I decided to make an unannounced visit to check on her.  

When I got to her apartment at 2:30PM, I found her passed out on the floor with her right leg bruised from the knee up. She had obviously urinated on herself as well, but while it wasn't completely unexpected (older women who live alone will frequently fall) it was still a shock to the system. It took me forever to dial 911 because I kept hitting the wrong buttons. The paramedics took her to the one ER that I feel is the worst in the area (Hospital and care is excellent, ER sucks because of the area) and it has a tiny waiting room. My niece arrived over an hour later because she lives near West LA, and my sister was just talking nonsense. She fractured her hip in several places, but there was no head injury.

The nurse who was assigned to her sent us home about 11, because they hadn't gotten the transfer papers from the hospital where my sister is insured. Instead, I received a call from the hospital at 6:30AM Friday (7-39) saying that she had been transferred to a hospital 40 miles away! I packed my clothes and stayed with my niece until Monday (8-2)  My sister was placed in a local SNF (Skilled Nursing Facility) late Wednesday (8-4) night, and they have restricted visitation (30 minutes max) due to COVID, and it's by appointment only.  I'm taking a break until Wednesday (8-11) because I am physically and mentally exhausted.

Anyway, That's what is going on, and that's where I've been.

 

Uneasiness

 I'm not even sure I want to write about this, but my uneasiness won't allow me to sleep.

Something isn't right, and it's not something I can fix. I really wish that I could point at it and say "Begone!" or some such nonsense like that, but it just doesn't work that way.

ALL of my most intimate relationships are based on trust and honesty, and I'm starting to feel that while there isn't a lie, there is an omission of truth, and that I'm being kept in the dark about things, but it's not something I can point at.

It's like sitting in a movie theater where you know that there's a bad guy hiding behind the curtain, but the person onscreen has no idea, and you want to shout "RUN!!" as loud as you can in hopes that the person onscreen hears you and gets safely away before they are captured.

It's just not right, and there's a web of lies and half-truths being told to others, and you're helpless and watching, and feeling like a part of you is suffocating and dying slowly.

I really want to maintain an open mind and trust, but I can't, and how do I say STOP!!! without sounding crazy, or jealous or both? 

I question whether this is a test of my resolve and trust, or if I'm just waiting for the inevitable death of the person onscreen.

I.Just.Don't.Like.This.

"As Seen On Quora"

Yeah, I "stalk" Shilo.

Not in the creepy sneaky way some people do. More in that I know where he goes, and I will sometimes go to the same place and look around to see what he’s said or done. We don’t hide things from each other, and it’s not a big deal anyway. We share our passwords and other things.

Anyway, I rarely go to Quora, but he’s often on it, especially lately, and I had some “free time” today to look, so I checked out his responses. So, what have I discovered? A few things, mostly true, but with a lack of proper context, so it looks weird to me. Also that Shilo doesn’t always understand WHY I do certain things. I’ve made a chart:

 

WHAT HE SAYS ABOUT ME	MY EXPLANATION
She really Loves me	I sure do!
She’s been very patient with my shortcomings	Well, you’ve been pretty good with mine too. Besides, isn’t that what marriage is about?
She has spanked me many times in the past	Yes, and you’ve enjoyed most of it.
She loves to cook, and she’s a great cook, but hates cleaning	That’s true. I told you that from the beginning
She’s a slob. Just leaves stuff wherever. I had NO idea!	I thought I told you that unless it’s moved, I can tell you exactly where I put something, slobby or not. WHY did you hide my soy sauce?
I was drunk on our wedding night	You sure were. And you were “punished”
She’s had more hundreds of times more experience than me	Yeah. I never hid that from you, but I never expected to see it in print. Not angry, mostly amused
She washes new sheets and clothes because she’s a germophobe	Yes, I’m a bit germophobic but I wash new sheets and clothes due to my sensitive skin
She snores	True!
She detests smoking and smokers	Yes. And Detest is exactly the word I use.
She doesn't put clothes away, out of the dryer	TRUE
I can't hear her through the wall that separates our kitchen and living room but she talks anyway	I keep forgetting. I’m sorry.
She was raped	True.
When we got engaged, I didn't have an engagement ring. But I WAS wearing a silver birthstone ring, and I gave it to her. She still wears it, next to her wedding band.	That’s because it means so much more to me than an overpriced diamond ring.
I like it when she TELLS me I’m getting a spanking, and I hate it when she asks	I need to remember that

 

Well, while I was writing this, he asked me a question, and my answer made him feel put off, so it looks like he might not be talking to me for a few hours. 

Still, like he says on Quora, “my wife doesn’t hold grudges and rarely stays angry;” and you can take that fact exactly as written. 

 

MY FINAL COMMENT:

I Love Shilo in so many ways that’s it’s hard to explain, and it can be difficult for others to fathom. He’s MINE, I’m HIS, and I’m so grateful to have him by my side. 

 

An Opinion, My Opinion? Doesn't Matter, Cause It's True!

This has been on my mind for a while. 

 

Shilo has a temper on him. He ALWAYS has. Most of the time, what he gets angry over is BS in my opinion, but SOMETIMES, he's right. And when he's right, I'll stand next to him and agree with him, and defend his reasoning.

 

In early February, he told me that other than my personal blogs, he was going on a commenting hiatus for a month.  I didn't question him, it's his prerogative, and I fully support him. When the middle of March rolled around, and he was still not commenting on any writing, other than to me personally, I asked him about it. He told me and showed me what had his "panties in a knot,"  I was floored by what I saw, and I agreed with his wisdom to not comment. Am I going to comment about the blog? I sure am! But here, because my allies come here, and can maybe give me feedback that's helpful and kind, and today I need helpful and kind.

 Shilo and myself often frequent blogs that are F/m DD blogs, written by various people who practice that lifestyle.  Some of these people are people that I consider to be my friends. We not only comment on what's been written, but also email each other on occasion. They have provided me with comfort through hard times, and if we were geographically closer, I'm sure we would hang out together and hug each other when times were rough, cause that's what friends do.

 

Some of these writers have become quite popular over the past 7 years, when we first began perusing these blogs, and one writer in particular has experience with BDSM much like we do, but unless it's brought up, we keep our BDSM out of the picture, cause that's a whole 'nother bag of chips.

There's also some writers who I have stopped reading altogether because they have gone off the deep end in my opinion, and I'm sure that Shilo has stopped as well. Shilo is highly intelligent, but when we first got together in a BDSM setting, eight long years ago, he knew nothing (and I mean NOTHING) about the BDSM lifestyle, other than the fact that he was a masochist, actually, a heavy masochist, that liked nothing more than being spanked. His desire was to be spanked by women, or a woman, but it's not easy for a man to find a woman who will spank him on a regular basis unless it's a pro-domme, especially if you're first starting out.  That led him to finding male spankers, most of whom were gay, to fulfill his needs and desires, even though he was, by his own admission, asexual, but that's a story for another day, and his to tell, not mine.

 

Now, within the BDSM community, and apparently the DD community, there are those who believe that women are superior to men, and I call bullshit on that! No one gender is better or smarter than the other, although, and I say this with a slight giggle, sometimes men do make bonehead moves because they can be "know-it-alls" who think they can master any task. Sorry, people, we all have our innate talents, and that's just how it is. 

 

NOW READ THIS:

 

NO GENDER IS SUPERIOR TO ANOTHER. WE ALL HAVE OUR OWN TALENTS AND ABILITIES!

 

Just because a couple practices F/m DD, it doesn't mean that the woman is infallible. Ideally, the relationship is mutually agreed upon, and rules are set. Well, there are some women who have started reading and commenting on one blog in particular written by a man talking about DD in his life, but also getting plenty of feedback by his readers where these women have written and decided that their husbands not only were forbidden from commenting, but also reading it! 

 

It sat wrong with Shilo, and rather than spewing vitriol, he opted to just back away (Good for you honey, cause it's far better to choose your battles) and these female CUNTs  (Cant Understand Normal Thinking) aren't worth the effort. Honestly, until he showed me, I had no idea how rabid these commenters had become. It's embarrassing, and now that I've read it myself, I have decided to just hold back on releasing my wrath and righteous anger at them. It's not like they would understand anyway. They're too far up their own asses to notice.

I guess I'm mostly upset because I feel this gentleman's writings would be helpful to men who are in a F/m DD relationship. I feel that knowing you aren't alone in your practices and that there are people in the same position as you who could provide support if needed is important, somewhere where you could ask questions and get answers from real people.

 

Surely, we can't be the only people who have seen these commenters and realized that the environment will become toxic if it continues unchecked. Sacrificing what you believe in for internet popularity is NOT worth it! Eventually, you'll lose the people who support and believe in you the most. So yeah, I've said it. The person I'm writing about is someone I've grown to like and respect, although he rarely comes here, but I'm pretty sure he'll hear about it.

2020 Year In Review: A Personal Outlook

Our Internet, cable, and Wi-Fi went out on New Year’s Day, and was out until the evening of the 4^th so I say better late than never.(Originally posted ELSEWHERE)

2020 will no doubt go into the record books as being a horrible year, but I'm going to inject my reality into it. Bear in mind that this is a NON-POLITICAL PERSONAL journal entry:

My long-term Partner-In-Crime, Stitch, was laid off in early February. Then, later that month my older sister with dementia had lung cancer surgery. It enabled my niece (her only child) and I to get closer after many years of estrangement.

In March, as the COVID-19 pandemic started affecting California, and quarantine/lockdowns became a reality, I took over grocery shopping for my older sister due to her health status. Waiting in line to get into a grocery store for 45 minutes to an hour was a reality, and her favorite store was frequently out of her favorite foods, so I had to get creative to find what she needed and wanted. It turns out that the grocery store I use most had nearly everything she needed and at lower prices!

In late April/early May, I had an accident that totaled my car that I inherited when my Mother died 7 years before. It was a very difficult time for me emotionally, but made easier because my older sister (the one who had the cancer surgery in February) had added my name to her car that she no longer drove back in January, so I was able to take it and get it back in working order. The insurance money I received was more than enough to cover all the work needed, including new tires.

By mid-May, Stitch, got a part-time temporary job working for a large retailer known for low prices. In September he received a card that gave his household an employee discount. With everything going on, that discount is very helpful.

June was quiet, and in the middle of July, I had my quarantine birthday (Happy 59^th!) then, near the end of July, my 8 y/o granddaughter infected her entire household with COVID-19 (Her father [child #5] her mother [my DIL] her uncle [child #4 AKA Babyman, who also happens to be disabled and is high-risk] her little brother, age 3, and her baby sister, age 14 months) It was a worrisome time for me, but they all had mild symptoms and recovered without winding up in the hospital.

In September, they bought and moved into their first house. It's still in the same area, but much closer to me. Also in September, I finally had dental insurance and began treatment that I thought would be finished by the end of October. Guess what? I'm STILL undergoing treatment, and currently have a messed up smile (Thank goodness for masks!) and eating has been an adventure for over 3 months.

In October, my Husband and Chosen One, Shilo, received the news we've been waiting to hear. His numbers are undetectable, meaning that his prostate cancer is under control. Yes, he still has to take his chemotherapy, but it's mostly a precaution because he has/had Advanced Metastatic Prostate Cancer. Two years ago, he was told that if he decided to not undergo treatment (chemo and radiation) he would die within 2 years. I'm so grateful that he did the chemo and radiation. Yes, they left him with some nasty side effects, but it's better than being dead.

In November, we celebrated Shilo’s 64^th Birthday by serenading him. With Thanksgiving quickly approaching, finding a normal-sized turkey (12 lbs) was impossible, so I wound up buying a 22 lbs(!) turkey and freezing the leftovers. Good thing I like turkey! I also decided that this was the year I tried making fruitcake.

December was a month of baking and cooking unlike anything I could have imagined! Total "damage" was 11 fruitcakes, homemade candied orange peel, orange-infused sugar, and orange syrup, homemade candied lime peel, lime-infused sugar, and lime syrup. I even made a lime pie for dessert for Christmas along with brownies, and of course, my Mom's Christmas Pork recipe for Christmas breakfast. I did cancel a dentist appointment on the 21st and rescheduled it for the 30th because I wanted to enjoy eating Christmas dinner. Instead of removing my lower 4 teeth front teeth when I saw the dentist he only removed TWO (2!). Again I say "Thank goodness for masks!"

So here it is, the New Year 7 days old, and I'm back to eating soft food, and my speech is mostly unintelligible, but like I jokingly told the dentist "Out with the old (teeth), and in with the new (in a few weeks)"

Saving the best for last, on New Year’s Eve, I was told that effective January 1, 2021, Stitch was hired as a full-time permanent employee. Also a very special acknowledgment to my FIL and MIL who have been VERY supportive of us this past year, and I/We are extremely grateful for all the help they've provided.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!