About My "About Me" and Consent

This was originally written for my Fetlife blog, but it bears repeating:

Somewhere near the top of my profile, in BIG RED LETTERS is the following:

IMPORTANT DISCLOSURE: I have PTSD, so if you don’t know me personally, please don’t touch me or grab at me without asking. My usual response is “attack mode,” so consider yourself warned.

I put it near the top so most people will see it. What it doesn't say, and shouldn't have to say is that I will occasionally freeze in panic with a "deer in the headlights" look.

Now, before anyone accuses me of overreacting or causing "Drama" I want to say that it's already been handled between myself and the person in question, and that hopefully, it won't ever happen again. A lesson was learned. I'm not angry at the person, he's not a "bad guy" nor is he a "predator." He is someone I respect, and, no, he's not in my circle of friends, but he is a friend of my friends.

So, with all the above, why am I even bringing this up? Well, the fact that I woke up screaming could have something to do with it. I mean, I have a choice: I could allow this to overtake me and continue with the nightmares (that occur all times of the day, including naps) and screaming, or I can write about it in an attempt to 'exorcise' the fears.

"Don't touch me or grab at me without asking." It's easy. "Merry, that's a cool tattoo and scarification." I will probably tell you that you can touch it. The scarification has interesting ridges and it feels good when it's touched. When I engage in negotiations with a sub or bottom, I ask them if there's any body part I cannot touch, and I tell them to ask my permission before handling me.

We're equals, so if we're talking, and you have a pet snake, and I say I'm afraid of your pet snake, you should say, "Don't be afraid, I'll hold it, and you can pet it." WAIT for me to say 'okay' and don't put that snake in my face. I might not react if you put that snake near me, but the chance is good that I'm frozen in fear. Don't ask me later if you violated my consent, because you know you did, and don't ask me why I didn't run away screaming or kick you or said "no". Don't blame the victim! It's your responsibility to ask and wait for permission.

And, in the future, should you unintentionally hurt me or scare me, take me in your arms and comfort me, don't just apologize and go on like nothing happened. The little girl in me (Sunshine) needs to know that she can be safe among friends in a dungeon, and, yes, he started with me, but ended with Sunshine, because she comes 'out' to 'protect' me.

FOR THE RECORD: Snakes don't frighten me, but ask permission anyway.

What's In A Name?

I think I've explained my anomic aphasia enough times, but if you are confused, You may read about it in the following link:

http://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2014/03/im-not-stupid-nor-am-i-confused-3-6-2014.html

My anomic aphasia is the main reason I call Shilo, Shilo and Stitch, Stitch instead of using their given names. I realized a long time ago, I'm more likely to remember a name or nickname if I give it to the person.

Whenever I start a D/s relationship, I give the submissive a 'new' name, using the rules that it must start with the letter 'S' and be 4 to 6 letters long with no more than 2 syllables. I've used that rule since the early 90's before I knew what anomic aphasia was. I also never re-use names for another.  So, Spot, Sparky, Spanky, (Cum)Slut, Soft (Kitty), Shilo or Stitch never need to worry I'll re-use their names for another.  There have been others that I didn't use the name rule for, such as Nick-E, Mister Ed, and a few that already had a perfectly good name in place already.

So, time goes on, and people change. Many moons ago, in a previous life I was known as "Susie," but Merry and the various spellings took over in 2004 after a series of unpleasant events. I feel that as time goes by and events change us and our way of thinking, a new name might be in order, but after a long hiatus, a new name is a necessity. For instance, if Mister Ed returned, he would definitely need a new name! Even mentioning his name leaves me wondering... He's pushing 80 now, and it's been about 15 years since we last spoke. So those of you who are just dying to know who has come back into my life now know it's not him. But no more hints!

So, for the past few days, I've referred to a horse, long ago put to pasture as the Horse that needs new name. Well, after much thought, I've come up with what I consider to be the 'perfect' name for him. He will either discover it if he reads it here, or when we talk next week. Much thought went into this name, and after I present the name, I will explain why I chose it. Here goes... (are you as nervous and excited as I am?)

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I will be calling him Spike! Why Spike? Well here are a few things about the word Spike:

Spike: noun

a very large nail (very fitting: He is tall and sharp)

Synonyms:

jab, pierce, spear, impale (my heart felt all those things when I put him out to pasture)

Spike: transitive verb
to add vitality, zest, or spice to: liven (and that is my hope for him in my life)

I realize that by calling him Spike, it means I have high hopes and expectations for him and he might not live up to that transitive verb, but I've named others in hopes of their potential, and I was not disappointed. Wanting a little vitality in my life isn't too much to hope for. Understanding that he has a new vitality that he hasn't had in a long time is another reason for that name.
 

 

Honesty

Being truthful, not lying, not holding anything back, even if it hurts.

Prior to Shilo, all my relationships were D/s (Dominant/submissive) not M/s (Mistress/slave) and I was much less restrictive in the rules department. I mean, yes, I expected the rules to be followed, but I wasn't so strict and regimented, and even though I gave honesty, and expected it in return, there were no consequences for the other party. With Shilo, all that changed. I tightened restrictions and had more expectations on behavior and honesty. I became tougher, and I didn't take shit. It's had a few difficulties, but mostly, it's paid off in the long run. I know where I stand on any given day, and both Shilo and Stitch have benefited from it. No excuses, no half-truths, no "you look beautiful in that dress" unless I really do. No more fashion faux pas for me! While some women might find that type of honesty to be painful, I welcome it.

So, here we are now, two years into a completely honest transparent relationship. Has he hurt my feelings? Of course he has, but the benefits are amazing, and I wouldn't ever go back to how I was before. I even decided to handle all my BDSM (and vanilla) relationships that way.

The Advantages

The advantages are obvious to me. I always know where I stand, and there is no confusion on anyone's part. I know if the other person likes something or hates something. Any hurt feelings are dealt with immediately, and grudges are unheard of. I don't have to worry needlessly over inconsequential things, and I know that if I wear that skirt, people are going to be thinking my ass is HUGE. Neither Stitch or Shilo have to worry about what's on my mind, because I tell them. Naturally, there are times when one of us needs to take a deep breath and think things through before we speak, but being able to say that without fear of anger or retribution makes it that much easier. Holding the other person in a loving and accepting way while s/he gathers thoughts is encouraged, and Love from all sides is there. Yes, there are still arguments and disagreements sometimes, but what might have lasted all day and into the next day will last an hour or less in most cases. Even Sunshine takes part in this, explaining the 'hard' stuff for me.

The Disadvantages

There are some disadvantages. Not everyone is ready for such an open way of life. I include my expectations of anyone pursuing a BDSM relationship with me, and it has led to uncomfortable silences, and even a few arguments. My truths are definitely not made for public consumption. It can be alienating when you eliminate social niceties and tell people what you actually feel about things. No amount of emotional maturity can prepare a person when I tell them my idea of how I process something as simple as a spanking. I understand and accept that someone night see it as sexual, but they cannot understand and accept that I process that spanking in a nonsexual way, and that I am unable to feel sexual towards  someone unless I feel genuine Love for them. Also, telling someone that I have rules about Love and sex that may or may not align with theirs puts them in a very uncomfortable position. My matter-of-fact way of dealing with things can be off-putting. Add to it that I really don't mind how they feel, and that I expect them to understand and accept my frequently opposite feelings and it scares most of them, because it's an alien concept. You Love me, and I like you? That's okay! I Love you, and you like me? That's okay too, Just be clear on it.  We can never predict how our emotions might be, and how it might change, so please be comfortable in the fluidity of of it all.

If I'm involved with you, you can count on the fact that I at least like you, and if what I do does nothing for you, be honest, and spare me the pain that might come in the future.

How do I feel, honestly? ask and I will tell.

Again With The Horses

This time, excerpts from the horse's mouth! No, not one horse, several of them. Due to the anomic aphasia, some words might be eliminated or changed, but I will strive to keep the meaning the same.

Name of horse:Child #4 (Babyman)
What was said: "Dad called and said he's not gonna challenge you and Auntie in court next week."
What it means to me: Well, I'm more than a little suspicious... What does he (Deadbeat) have in mind anyway?


Name of horse: Me (to Babyman)
What was said:"I'm going to listen to your voicemail from him."
What it means to me: Well, I couldn't believe it was really true, so I listened to it. Decided I'd call him (Deadbeat) and catch him off-guard.


Name of horse: Child #2 (Boo Bear)
What was said: "I ordered parts for my car so I can fix it all the way and get it out of your driveway."
What it means to me: Finally! After 4 months, it would be nice to not have to park our cars on the street!


Name of horse: Soft Kitty (A sub I was considering)
What was said: "If BDSM isn't sexual for you, then I can't submit to you."
What it means to me: Honestly??? Well after the whole back and forth of the past 3 weeks where he couldn't make up his mind on anything, I'm kind of relieved.


Name of horse: Me (to Soft Kitty)
What was said: "I'm the Dominant, and since you are now seeking another one, please block me so I don't have to watch."
What it means to me: Relief, Honestly, I'm relieved. It was getting to be too much work to get even a little cooperation.


Name of horse: Smartest Horse up until sometime back (needs a new name)
What was said: "I guess I didn't Love you nearly as much as you Loved me, but I do care for you."
What it means to me: OUCH!!!  Well, not really... I had my suspicions. Things had been tanking fast back then, and if it hadn't ended the way it did, it would have ended for a myriad of other reasons, and the time he was in the pasture was good for me, and a little heartbreak every now and then is good.


Name of horse: Me (to Horse that needs new name)
What was said: "I'm looking forward to riding your ass."
What it means to me: Well, I am... We enjoyed our rides before, so why would this be different? Oh yeah... He's been in the pasture, and I'm in a completely different headspace. I'm a little anxious/nervous, but I'm sure the horse hasn't completely forgotten how to make me purr in delight.


Name of horse:Me (to myself)
What was said: "Must stay calm, and stop counting down."
What it means to me: well, it's a habit, and I'm understandably feeling that way. I'm afraid (scared shitless) of how we will react to each other


Name of horse: Me (to Horse that needs new name)
What was said: "I'll let you take the lead in the emotion department."
What it means to me: WTF???!!! This isn't like me at all! I'm already putting up my emotional guards.


Name of horse: Shilo
What was said: "You've got a boyfriend" (said in a sing-song voice)
What it means to me: He's teasing me in a good-natured way. It's his way of showing approval, but he doesn't want me to get hurt. I don't know how or if I should reassure him. Opening my heart means I run that risk. I will try to not obsess too much. (Too late!)


Name of horse: Babyman
What was said: "I don't worry about your relationship with Stitch anymore."
What it means to me: He's finally understanding that polyamory can work.


Name of horse: Deadbeat
What was said: "I decided to not fight you and your sister in court next week."
What it means to me: I have mixed feelings. All this has been nearly 9 months in the making, and it's taken this long because he kept fighting it. So, while I'm relieved, I'm also angry because of all the time, energy, and money spent on what could have been solved MONTHS ago!


Name of horse: Stitch
What was said: "I Love you babygirl, and I'm so glad we're alone."
What it means to me: What he's really saying is that he's glad I took Babyman home today. Having him here cramps our lifestyle. I agree 100%, but I love my time with Babyman.


Name of horse: Me (to anyone reading this)
What was said: "I Love all my children, and they mean the world to me."
What it means to me: Just what I wrote. It's just that I'm out of the closet now in most areas, but I don't feel comfortable doing more than hugging Stitch or Shilo with them around, and I most certainly can't run around the house naked with them at the house.

Name of horse: Daddy W (in reference to Horse that needs new name)
What was said: "I want all the best for you, and I know you're out, so maybe things will be better for you two now."
What it means to me: I'm just really happy to have his approval and guidance.

Name of horse: Me and Horse that needs new name
What was said: "NSA is best for now."
What it means to me: I'm trying to protect my heart, and I think he is too.

Name of horse: Me (to myself)
What was said: "I can't believe all this stuff has gluten in it."
What it means to me: Exactly that, Feeding Shilo is getting more difficult, and I hate reading labels, but I know it will pay off.

Name of horse: Daddy W (in reference to Soft Kitty)
What was said: "Maybe you wanted it too bad and rushed it and that scared him."
What it means to me:I agree, but it was his (Soft kitty's) indecisiveness that finally made me give up.

Name of horse: Baby Sister
What was said: "I'm glad he (Deadbeat) finally gave up, but I'm pissed about all the work."
What it means to me: Me too! I completely agree!

Name of horse: Neurologist
What was said: "The Specialist and I were discussing changing Babyman's meds. How do you feel?"
What it means to me: Not again! Too much work! Let's stay with this cocktail for a while.


Name of horse: Banker (I was trying to close an account AGAIN!)
What was said: (A whole series of irrelevant questions)
What it means to me: This is why I hate people. I'm too antisocial for this!


Name of horse: Stitch
What was said: What's for Dinner?
What it means to me: OOPS! Time to get off the computer!

But I have one final horse...


Name of horse: Random sub male on collarspace
What was said: "Will UB my Domme? How much do U charge?"
What it means to me: Oh Gawd NO! I'm getting sick of this!

My REAL reply: No, I'm not an elephant or a prostitute. (figure it out reader)


Okay, off to fix a gluten-free meal!

Me and That Damned Saddle!

"Back in the saddle again": Riding the horse you either fell off of, or getting on a horse you've ridden in the past, but not for a long time. Either one is quite an accomplishment, because it takes a certain amount of bravery or foolhardiness to do it. I mean, you just never know. What if the literal or figurative horse bucks, or gets skittish? What if you can no longer find your comfort zone? What if you discover you no longer enjoy riding that horse? So many fears, so many "What ifs."

So, I have this horse... I have a saddle, and I'm getting ready to put the saddle on the horse. I know I'm going to get in that saddle, but there are still questions. Simple ones, like will I just sit and not ride, or will I ride it? How long will I ride it? Will I ride that horse into the sunset?

Yeah, I know I'm getting way too worked up over this horse, but it was a much-loved horse that I enjoyed riding, and it's been a really long time since I rode it. You see, I put that horse out to pasture a long time ago, only to discover recently that this horse was fit for riding again. It's a special, one-of-a-kind horse. A horse of a different color.

I laugh a little when I think of that beloved horse, because it was the smartest horse I ever rode, up until then, and I've ridden other horses since, some that were stubborn as mules, others that were much younger than that horse. But all of the others are gone, save for the smartest horse ever until this point. That one I keep. So I now have the smartest horse ever, and this other horse that is coming in from out of the pasture that used to be the smartest horse, but will now be considered the second smartest one. One did not replace the other, nor will it replace the other. After all, they're horses.

I think that waiting on this horse to arrive is going to be making me crazy. Yee-haw!

Bonus Post!

My Mother-in-Law is feeling better, she will be undergoing both chemo and radiation soon. The conservatorship hearing was postponed. We go back next week.  Child #4 was hospitalized due to multiple seizures and he's with us till Wednesday afternoon. Shilo saw our new doctor last week, and he's now on a gluten free diet.

I'm renting some garage storage space to a friend of our boarder which just about makes up for the money lost because Sherman/Tallship wouldn't pay. An added bonus: When paying bills last week, I saw that the water/gas and electric bill had gone down noticeably. While we aren't out of the woods, I can say that things in that department are looking up.

Sherman/Tallship has been out of my Household for a little over 3 weeks, and I was given some good news. Now if I could manage a little more sleep, I'd feel even better.

A Full Heart

Soo...What prompted this? Oh, a little of everything.

Sometimes we feel like we're alone, but we aren't. Sometimes we feel like we've been left in the cold and the dark, and we will huddle together with those closest to us and cry out for relief. Other times, we just feel burdened. Let me tell you... I have been so burdened down with the pain and cares of the world lately. I'm responsible, or, at least, I feel responsible for my mistakes, my errors in judgement, my fuck-ups. Ohh.. I've made so many of them, and I beat myself up constantly for them. I had one of those weeks last week, and it all blew up on Saturday. (5-23)

I shut off, shut down. Went into the deep end of the (virtual) pool and stayed underwater. Not on the surface. I let Sunshine pick up the pieces. She has a knack for expressing my feelings in a calm way that I couldn't express. When she pulled me out of the pool and let me back out, I had a feeling of inner peace. Shilo apologized, and while that was nice, he also gave me the forgiveness that I needed. I've carried so much guilt and self-loathing over my error in judgement regarding Sherman/Tallship. It's affected how I interact with Shilo and Stitch, and I was just feeling that my fuck-up on that situation was causing everyone to hate me, when, in reality, it was just me hating myself, and blocking out any Love I had the potential of receiving. He told me that everyone in the household had forgiven me weeks ago, and it was time for me to let go of it. I did. The best part was that a weight was lifted.

He went on (much to my dismay) to tell me that the sub I was considering would not work out, and I told him to give it time. I figured out it was doomed before it started, but I pursued it anyway. Blame the masochist in me. Well, that time is up. The ship has sailed. I'm tired of explaining to someone why BDSM isn't Burger King.  Now, while all this was happening, I saw something on the internet that caused my heart to feel good. It was just a picture with a caption, but that little picture made me smile. I gave a quiet acknowledgement and waited.That quiet acknowledgement was received, and I was reminded again that anything worth having is worth waiting for, and that we all have guardian angels. Maybe not the kind that some Christians believe, but we all have people who do care about us, but we can't always see them. No, not stalkers either. I found out today that I had one, and it filled my heart with happiness.

For quite a long time, I tore myself apart over something (not mentioned here) that I knew full well wasn't my responsibility or my fault. Today I finally received word that I don't have to worry about it anymore. I was told the hidden part of the story. That  lifted a weight as well.

I don't know whether things have improved, but I can say that the guilt and pain I've been carrying has been tossed in the trash where it belongs, and I'm ready for a new adventure with the Ones I Love.