BOOM! It Was Bound To Happen!

It's been a mental week. Meaning, I've had quite a bit on my mind. It started with me letting loose in my Journal. Beginning with "Gangbangs and Other Things That Go BUMP! In The Night."

https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2017/02/gangbangs-and-other-things-that-go-bump.html

I followed up on it 24 hours later with "Sex Talk (A Continuation of Other Things That Go BUMP! In The Night)"

https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2017/02/sex-talk-continuation-of-other-things.html

In that, I mentioned that I was waiting on Stitch to "do something" (anything?) 24 hours later, he still hadn't said or done anything. I was getting increasingly pissed and I wrote "::Radio Silence::"

https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2017/02/radio-silence.html

Stitch never reads anything I write, so this is a way to vent. Shilo does read my writing, although I'm sure I confuse him at times. What he does know for sure is that when I'm upset about something, it affects everyone. Kind of like that old saying, "If Momma Ain’t Happy, Ain’t Nobody Happy." Well, Momma Ain't Happy. I only managed to feel worse when I was updating my blog on Blogspot here, and I decided to go back and read my earliest entries. Most of them were full of Love and a little uncertainty in how I would do at starting my Poly Household. Those made me smile. There were also quite a few entries where I was struggling because I had no clue how to handle the challenges in front of me. Apparently I spent quite a bit of time crying. It's okay though, because there was growth. Then I read the following paragraph written in December 2013:

I can’t really talk about Shilo’s qualities without mentioning Stitch. It wouldn’t be fair. Stitch is loving and caring and, whatever he does, he means well. He’s always anticipating my next move, and will often go above and beyond what is expected/requested of him, often to his own detriment. It’s endearing and irritating. Shilo, on the other hand, is self-assured, and is a pretty good judge of character. He has a low tolerance for people who whine, and he gets things done right the first time without prompting. Where Stitch guesses, Shilo knows, and if I give him something to do, it will be done right.

It was like someone had poured ice cold water over my head. The reality that I had somehow failed with Stitch. It really bothered me. I decided to write about it in a group I belong to on Fetlife:

We all want to move forward, at least I hope we all would. So what happens when you realize someone isn't progressing but staying stuck?

I decided to update my online journal because I couldn't sleep, and when I finished, I read some entries from a little over 3 years ago. In it, I noticed that my complaints/concerns about someone in my life are STILL the same! It made me feel like a failure when it comes to this. Currently, this item is driving a wedge in our relationship, and I'm feeling a combination of anger, frustration, and sadness. Realizing that nothing I've said or done has made a difference.

EDITED TO CLARIFY:
This is one thing that both myself and another have discussed with this person, and it's a combination of behaviors.

1. This person does what they "think" I want instead of asking what I want. This will often wind up with wasting resources as well as time.

2. When this person is reminded that I didn't tell them to do or get that thing, they get an attitude and often blame me.

3. When I sit down with this person and tell them what I really want from them, they don't put any effort into it and make excuses such as "You looked busy" or "you were asleep" in spite of the fact that they know I'm never "too busy" or "too sleepy" for them.

I clarified more:

It's really simple things, but it's built up over time.

EXAMPLE: I'm a creature of habit. Weekday mornings I handle my own stuff, but on weekends, I like coffee. Sometimes with a small amount of cereal in a bowl with a spoon. I also need a larger empty bowl so my coffee cup doesn't accidentally spill. Shilo has taken it upon himself to pay attention and he knows how I like my coffee, so he will bring it to me the way I like it, but he always asks me if I want the cereal before he brings me anything. He will let me sit for an hour or more and not bring anything until I ask, and that's okay. The other person (who has been around much longer) will bring the cup of coffee with all the ingredients on the side in a tray as soon as I appear awake. I know it sounds wonderful, but sometimes I still have to get to the bathroom or remove a cat from my lap, or I'm just nor ready yet. All I want is for him to ask me if I'm ready for (item) or ask if I want (item) or just wait for me to ask. I mean, I ask for everything else. More recently, I've waken up feeling sick and wanted to throw up. Before I can even get up, this person has coffee and everything else on my lap. The results have been ugly. I appreciate the thought, but I'm constantly having to remind him that if I want him to do something, I'll ask, or if he thinks I want something to ask. The breakfast is just an example.There's a lot more.

On the other hand, there is one and only one thing that I like and have requested that they ask me if I want it. It's a treat for me and them as well, and it's something I won't ask for. They know this. I've made it perfectly clear that this treat is to be offered to me, and if they take things into their own hands, there will be hell to pay. This has been happening way too frequently lately.

I'm just left wondering if it's too hard to ask me. Ask and don't assume. I don't mind being waken up, and I'm never too busy to give either of them what they want. I just get tired of having to remind this other person to wait until I either ask, or they can ask me. Just don't assume.

 
I sat on this for over a day, reading replies from members of the group, but avoiding any confrontation with Stitch. Until it happened yet again Friday after dinner. Stitch was in another room, but we could see each other and I was talking to him about something important. He was replying, so I turned my head and continued. Stitch didn't reply. I turned my head, and he was gone! I got up, and invited him into the living room. He already was displaying that "Don't give a shit" attitude, and it pushed me over the edge. I told him to sit down, and I asked him why he walked away when I was still talking. "I thought you were finished." I said, "That's the problem right there. You thought. I didn't tell you I was finished, and you didn't ask. You just walked away." I went on to finish having the discussion I was having with him, and then Shilo explained that I was so concerned over the item I was discussing because I wanted to make sure we all look nice for an upcoming event. Not an easy task when I've lost 40 pounds, and it looks like Shilo took them from me. We decided to take care of my concerns when we got back from our Saturday errands (today).



With that settled, I went back to my main concern. We no longer have weekly Household meetings, and the only way things are going to improve is if we talk about things. He pushed me over the edge by not listening to my concerns, and getting an attitude when I try to tell him anything, and by anything, he even got pissed when I told him I emptied the dishwasher, and the dishes he was putting away so carefully were dirty. I Love him. I made a commitment to him, and I plan on keeping it, but he needs to work with me.



Honestly, I'm not sure if any of what I said about our relationship got through to him, but I tried. I have always told him in the past when he's done those things that are (probably) unintentionally thoughtless in hopes that repeating the message it might get through to him, and my hope is that he will tell me what is bothering him instead of holding it in. There's still that fucking elephant in the room, but he needs to address it. I gave my best. I gave my all. It's his turn.

The Envelope Please...

A few days ago, I made an offhand comment about using an envelope with an activity inside for those occasional Tuesday mornings when I'm awake and in a good mood, and Shilo is feeling energetic enough for some "fun" activity.

Much to my chagrin, and Shilo's (no doubt) lack of surprise, it's about 3AM on Tuesday and still no envelopes in sight. I fell asleep on the chair in the living room, and nothing got done.  I should mention that Shilo is probably unaware that I loaded the dishwasher while he slept on Monday afternoon. I'm not seeking 'brownie points' by any means, I'm more interested in rocking his world a little.

Shilo has been locked in chastity for 8 days now (Actually 7 days 10 1/2 hours, but who's counting? Oh yeah! He is!) and I'm pretty sure that when the device went on, he didn't expect it to be on for such a long amount of time. I suffer along with him. I mean, no intercourse for him, means no intercourse with him for me, and I happen to enjoy intercourse with him, so I do 'suffer.'

The tease and denial for him has been horribly cruel, with him removing the device, showering, providing me with a few orgasms via oral stimulation, and allowing him to enter me, thrust for maybe a minute or so (7 thrusts the first day, 15 the next. Yeah, I count) and then re-locking him. I cannot begin to tell you how torturous it's been for me, and I'm sure he feels the same.

Sooo... the (nonexistent) envelopes: I have no time or patience to do them now, but a quick preview should he happen to see this is as follows:

1. Triple treat for me while restrained (or not) until I pass out. This will require a slow build up, backing off, and building back up again. Not an easy task, but I know he's up for it.

2. Shilo unlocking and showering, giving WMS short of an orgasm if possible (I won't stop him, he'll have to stop on his own.) If he manages without an orgasm, he won't get "charged" with time off from chastity for doing so.  if he fails, and has an orgasm, I will add up to another week in chastity for him at my discretion. If he has a 'ruined orgasm,' I will roll a die. Odd: no additional days, Even: Same as if he had a regular orgasm. He will not be told the result.

3. Shilo unlocking and showering, and me orally pleasuring him for 5-10 minutes. (This doesn't usually result in an orgasm for him)

4. Shilo unlocking and showering, and then masturbating while I watch him. Same rules as #2 above if he reaches orgasm.

5. Shilo unlocking and showering, and I hand him a die. if he rolls odd, he can choose from any of the above (more to be added later)  If he rolls even, he locks back up and gives me my regular "Daily O."

So, there it is: The treats, without the envelopes.

The only thing I neglected to mention here is that I will know which option is available on any given week, and he will have the choice of taking the activity or not without knowing which one is offered. Also, after agreeing to the unknown activity, he will roll a die. If it's 1-3, the activity will not happen, if he rolls 4-6, the activity will happen. This way, I also get a little build-up as well.

Goodnight! I'm off to bed!

Sick Still

In about 10 hours, it will be a week since I saw my doctor and was informed that this "plague" I'm suffering from isn't the flu. Call it what you want, it's made me miserable, and other than the several times daily cleanup with baby wipes, it's been a week since I've showered,  Yeah, I feel disgusting. I don't know how either Shilo or Stitch can stand being near me. Must be Love.

So, anyway, people ask me about my relationship with Shilo. I do my best to explain, but, unless you're living it, it's not easy to explain in a simple way. I've Loved Stitch for over 10 years now. He's my partner-in-crime, my very special, much-loved ex-husband. People forget that before Shilo, there was Stitch. Stitch who made the adjustments, Stitch who had to learn to share me. I'm not saying Shilo has had it easy, but the adjustments, in regards to me, has been minimal. Shilo met Stitch, knowing that Stitch is/was a part of me. There was short period of time, after Shilo and I got engaged that caused some confusion on Shilo's part, but fortunately, it was short-lived.

There was some 'posturing' and competition until it was explained that there is no real competition. Stitch has his place, Shilo has his, and neither one can replace the other. Stitch is not a masochist, nor is he submissive, and, while Shilo is very protective of Sunshine, he's not her Daddy, and Stitch fills that role nicely. There's other things that Stitch does too, but it's not relevant to the subject.

Since Shilo and I got married, we've managed to get along well. This isn't to say there haven't been disagreements, but we've managed to talk things out. The source of most of our disagreements stems from tallship, and he's got a deadline to move out.

I've dated a few times since Shilo and I got married, but nothing serious, and since I have rules in place for dating someone new, I'm not too likely to get sexually involved with another man or woman anytime soon. Yes, it has now been well over a month since I've engaged in intercourse with either Shilo or Stitch, but, as a rule, I'm sexually satisfied. I doubt very seriously that anyone could make me feel as wonderful as they do, and I'm not going to go looking just to satisfy a temporary need.

I'm very much in Love with Shilo and Stitch, and I don't want anyone else. How many people do you know that can honestly say that? The best part (for me) is that there's no hiding anything. I can hold each one's hand, hug them and kiss them in front of the other, and say "I Love you" without any fear. There's no awkwardness when we're in the same bed together. There was some awkwardness the first night I slept with Shilo, but only because I'd never done that before. By sleeping, I mean sleeping, not sex.

This brings me to my final point: While I never hide my Love for either of them, I also don't parade one in front of the other. I don't have sex with one in front of the other, and I am very private about it when it happens. I try to have sex while the other is away or out of earshot. 

Any questions?

Confession Time

This really isn't much of a confession as it is an admission of failure.

As far as I can remember, the last time I engaged in intercourse was sometime around Thanksgiving. in fact, that was the last time I received any sexual stimulation at all.

You see, boys and girls, I don't masturbate. Well, that's a half-truth. Let's just say that I masturbate once a year or so. I usually do it when I've been having LOTS of sex, and I want that good feeling to continue. I'll orgasm to the point of exhaustion, then sleep for a long time. It's a good happy feeling. My orgasms come rapidly, and I recover quickly. I never have "just one."

Keeping that in mind, last night I decided it had been long enough, and I was going to take matters into my own hands. I was going to masturbate! I read some sexy stories online, then went into the bathroom. I made some ginger paste to stimulate myself in hopes that I'd come quickly. I used a gloved hand and spread the paste on, and I enjoyed the tingle and heat. Then I went into the shower to rinse it off, and I used a toy that usually results in rapid fire orgasms. Only... well, only nothing happened. I didn't even get that "feel good" happiness that will show up when I'm too tired to cum.

I tried. I really tried. I spent the better part of an hour doing what I could to get there, but nothing worked. I finally gave up and went to bed frustrated. So, this morning, when Shilo came home from work, I told him I had a confession to make. He was obviously confused, because I tell him everything anyway. I get the feeling he was imagining something horrible, and he was relieved it wasn't anything bad, but I think he also felt sorry for me. Hell, I felt sorry for myself!

Anyway, with that conversation over, we both went to sleep for a while, and I got up about 10 to start my day, leaving him to sleep. I just feel stupid. I mean, I should have known that I wouldn't orgasm. I guess I'll just have to wait until someone wants me, because taking matters into my own hands is a huge waste of time.

Now that I've admitted that, I feel even more stupid. Laugh if you want. ♥