Reflections

It's not been the easiest 11 months of my life. Sometimes, I still feel so very lost, and I am left wondering how I've even managed to get this far. Still, as much as I miss my mother, and I'm reduced to tears sometimes, I can't help but be grateful for the people who have been there for me, and the new friends who have enriched my life so much, including (and especially) Shilo.

Each day. each hour, brings me closer to the one year mark. My first Thanksgiving without mom is a week away, and Christmas? It'll be my second. I still occasionally fall apart in the produce department, and now that the Winter Holidays are nearly here, I see constant reminders of my mom. The chocolate covered liqueur cherries, the panettone, the brussels sprouts on the stalk, hams and turkeys, the fresh yams and marshmallows and eggnog. As much as mom bitched about the holidays, she enjoyed the grocery shopping, the selecting and buying the "just right" items. We'd go shopping about 3 or 4 days before Thanksgiving, and battle everyone else to find just the right turkey. As it's gotten closer, I've debated how to handle it. The shopping, I mean.There's never been a doubt in my mind that I'd prepare a Thanksgiving dinner, after all, I've done it for years, and I have so much to be grateful for. My only "problem" has been in wrapping my head around the shopping, because of memories of doing it with mom. I know (hope) that one day, I'll feel nostalgic, but, for now, I only feel intense emotional pain.  

Without even realizing it, Shilo gave me an "out" by sending me grocery shopping for the household. I was supposed to go Tuesday night, but I fell asleep, so I wound up waking very early Wednesday morning (5:30AM) and I hit the nearly-empty grocery store just after it opened. Since there wasn't even a crowd of people, I was able to shop, and even pick out the turkey without dealing with the normal holiday crowd. Naturally, there's more stuff I need to buy, but I'm sure that Shilo will go with me over the weekend, and we can get the staples and dessert then. He's actually been very helpful as far as my emotional outbursts, because he never met my mother, so he is able to soothe away my pain. In my previous post it might have seemed that I wrote that he lacks compassion, but that is not the case. It's more that he can occasionally (frequently) be insensitive to my needs as a woman, as his wife, and that expressing sadness is hard for him, and he will step on my feelings without even realizing he's done so. If I am sad or crying, he tries really hard to comfort me or Sunshine. He will just have to be mindful of my needs.