Just A Thought (For Shilo)

Before I fall asleep.

Shilo, I know things aren't how you would like them to be right now, and I realize that you've given me control over the last thing you ever wanted to hand over, but I will do my best to show you that I am responsible and I am trustworthy. Think of this as a part of our FL/DD relationship.

Remember, Shilo, Always Follow Your Dreams. Now I will go to bed.

"Can I Tell You A Secret?"

The above, or some other similar version is something Sunshine frequently tells Shilo when she is "out." During those times, she will put me "deep" so I can't hear, and she will tell him something I usually don't want him to know. Naturally, in the interest of our relationship, and my requirement for his transparency, he will (eventually) tell me what he knows. Today, however, I'm revealing a secret of sorts. Ready?

I write. In fact, I write quite a bit, and more often than he even knows. While I don't have daily entries like I require of him, I do write about once a week, sometimes more often. So... where are these things I write, anyway? They aren't being published here, nor are they even online. Most of them are partially written, and they're in my Documents folder. I start writing, get interrupted, or maybe there's a (*)squirrel and I get distracted enough that I never really get back to it. Either way, it remains partially written, and I rarely or never get back to it. (*)Squirrels are everywhere, so I need to be careful.

Maybe I'll get back to those partially written stories and anecdotes and finish them and publish them. Then, again, maybe not. I write to unclutter my brain, so once I've written, whether or not I've published, my head is clear, so it doesn't seem to matter as much.

That's the secret for this time. There may or may not be more.



(*)A squirrel is something that will immediately take my attention from whatever it is I am or should be doing. It could be a phone call, or maybe an attractive person walking down the street when I'm driving, Either way, I get so focused on the squirrel, that I completely forget the original task I was doing.

On Chastity And Shilo

I don't write about it nearly as much as Shilo does, but part of our agreement early on, was that he would be locked in a chastity device on a regular basis. Let's stop at this while I attempt to explain my/our reasons:

Why Merry Locks Shilo In Chastity

1. To Prevent Masturbation: When I first started out with Shilo, he masturbated chronically, as in almost all day every day (his description, not mine) This disturbed him enough that he would go into self-imposed chastity on a regular basis.

2. It's A Fetish: There's something about"Doing Everything But" that I can't quite explain: It's the classic making out like a pair of teenagers, wanting to have sex so badly you can taste it, but knowing you can't go any further because he's locked up.

3. Tupperware: Tupperware? It "locks in" freshness. His penis is no longer his. It's mine. When I go away on overnight (or longer) trips without him, I lock him up to keep my penis "fresh" AKA: Ready for me and my uses.The penis locked up the cage is mine, and is to be used for my pleasure only. I don't want any man or woman to get the idea that they can touch it or play with it. It's like a huge "No Trespassing" sign.

4. It Keeps Others At Bay: If you were to go to a party and saw someone shackled, I'm sure you wouldn't try to make casual conversation with them, would you? Even if you did, it's doubtful you would take that person home with you, or anywhere else, for that matter, without finding out why the person was shackled. It's the same for me. He is locked in chastity, so you know that his penis is off limits for you.

Disclaimers

 

1.Keep in mind that this is my relationship with Shilo. Personally, I really don't care about masturbation, and I've been known to encourage it more often than not with others in the past.

2. Again, this is my opinion. Shilo's fetish regarding this is very different than mine. Let me also note that, yes, I have the key, the removal device for his chastity lock, but I will often choose not to use it.

3. Let me say here that I trust Shilo not to stray. He doesn't need it on to ensure that he remains faithful to me, but it goes back to reason #1. No masturbation, but it also goes to reason #4.

4. Not everyone is respectful of limits. Because I know that, I have Shilo locked when he goes to events without me or I'm away. I trust Shilo, but I can't necessarily trust others. Having him locked prevents that worry, at least a little bit. Yes, there are ways around chastity devices, but, honestly, why go through the trouble when you can always finfd someone else?

Shilo's Reasons

Let me add here that Shilo's reasons, while they might be similar to mine, they aren't the same. He has a laundry list of reasons that are different than mine, and you can look at his many blogs or just ask him yourself. He's usually more than happy to explain.

Finally, something to note:

Polyamory And Chastity: Not Necessarily Cuckolding!

I am polyamorous. The quick and dirty version is that I have many loves, or, more than one person I Love. I am not monogamous. I've been with Stitch for 10 years, I've only known of Shilo for a little over a year, and I married him 8 months ago, so Shilo is the "new" relationship here. Therefore, even though I have Shilo locked up, and I am having sex with Stitch or meeting with other men or women, I am not cuckolding him or cheating on him. He wouldn't even have the right to complain or say it, because from the very beginning, even BEFORE we even had our first play experience in a dungeon, I told him about Stitch and polyamory.

I know that there are some who would argue, use semantics, etc; but it won't work in this case. Shilo is not a cuckold. Never has been, never wil.

Why This Came Up

Shilo and I discussed his chastity and chastity devices last night, and I will be placing him in a device very soon. Unfortunately, because of my metal allergies, he will need to get (yet another) device, so if I choose to unlock him for sex, he will not need to make me wait while he prepares himself by preparing his penis and removing the microscopic metal flakes that cause my body to swell... Now, off to start my day!

Sleepless?

I did not sleep from Friday morning to Saturday morning. In fact, I stayed up all night Friday, and did not sleep until I got on the plane on Saturday at about 11AM. My traveling companion was rather surprised to find me asleep before we even took off. What was so interesting about all this, is that she's never seen me fall asleep so quickly. I was just glad that I did not have to take my Ativan that was prescribed to me. Shilo did such a very good job of conditioning me to fall asleep on the plane, that all I had to do was wait for everybody else in my aisle to get seated. I didn't wake up until they started serving drinks. Keep in mind it was the first of 3 planes that I was scheduled to be on.

Before I forget I should mention that there was one problem. Remember my last entry, and my mention of the person who was English challenged? I believe I said that I did not think they understood me. I was correct. I was not even on the list of wheelchair customers,  so I had to wait. But that wasn't the worst of it. This next part is the worst of it. If you've ever traveled by plane into Denver, you know about the turbulence. The turbulence was so bad that I was not able to fall asleep during the landing. Also, when I got there, there was no wheelchair. When I finally did get in a wheelchair, they put us on a shuttle truck to drive us to our next gate. My companion and I only had 15 minutes until our next flight was to leave when we landed. However, instead of looking at when we needed to be at the gate, the person driving took everybody else first, leaving us to not even get on the plane until almost everybody was loaded on. Normally, I would not stress out over this, except for the fact that the plane was going to be full, and space for carry on luggage is limited. I have to have my CPAP with me on the plane and not in general luggage, and I was worried that there may not be space. Fortunately there was enough space so I calmed down. Then, there was the fun of take off. Again, Denver is a very bad place to either take off or land due to all the turbulence. I also was unfortunatly placed in an aisle seat. I cannot tell you how many people on that flight bumped into my shoulder because they weren't paying attention. I was a very very mean grouchy woman throughout that flight. I  finally did fall asleep for a very short amount of time before we landed. Again, there was very little time between flights when we landed in Chicago. The good news is that we had a wonderful young lady who not only took the time to wait with me for the next plane to load, but she was quick to get me to the right gate. My traveling companion even had enough time to get me an ice cream cone. Keep in mind that I had not eaten for well over 6 hours because of how the flights were scheduled. They were too close together for us to pick up any food, and they did not serve food on the flights. I even had to pay for the snacks if I wanted them. Needless to say, the woman at the Chicago Airport made my day better just by being so helpful and polite.

This brings me to the best part. While waiting in line for the plane to empty so we could get on, a dear friend from Oregon showed up and hugged me. It was nice to see her, and since I got on the plane first, and had eaten the ice cream cone, my mood was very pleasant. I didn't even mind the fact that I did not sit next to my traveling companion on that flight. Instead, near the end of boarding, a rather large muscular young man sat next to me. He did not put down the arm rest, so I actually had room to sit down comfortably. I was so comfortable that I was able to fall asleep before takeoff, and did not wake up until we were ready to land an hour later. I was so confused, I actually thought we were just starting to take off at the landing. There was no wheelchair to meet me at the gate, but I was just happy to finally be on land and not have to get back on another plane. The shuttle driver for the hotel was there waiting for us, which added to my happiness. Once we got checked in, we had some dinner, and I tried to go to sleep but I still could not. It was well after midnight before I finally fell asleep. I had to be up at 6:30AM so I could shower and prepare for the 9AM church service, but in spite of the short sleep cycle, I was feeling happy and refreshed. After church, there was a short Officer's meeting, and then a luncheon for International Officers. In spite of the fact that the International President is very ill and was unable to be here this week, it was fun and I was very happy to be with all the other International Officers. My term is over on the 8th and I'll go back to working on the State and local level.

After the lunch, I walked a quarter mile down the road and made some purchases at the store. I felt more winded than I should have, but I'm not sure why. When I got back, I showered and dressed for the murder mystery dinner. It wasn't what I expected. Each table picked out a toy (Sunshine immediately came out and INSISTED that she get the baby doll)  and we were given a fact sheet about our toy, and which toy disappeared. It was our job to discover who and why. Sunshine acted as the baby doll (each table's toy had ONE character and speaker) and the game began. Accusations ensued, and Sunshine did a great job, even defending her bed-wetting and sleeping through most of it. Another toy kept making fun of her, so she got up, acting like the dolly and pretended that the doll peed on the offending toy. It was hilarious! She let me stay and watch just under the surface, so I could witness the antics. (An aside to Shilo: Pictures are up on either vanilla FB or maybe official page. Not sure. Then I had ANOTHER (10PM) meeting, so by the time I got to my room, I was exhausted, but unable to sleep. I finally fell asleep, but then slept through all 3(!!!) of my alarms, waking up 15 minutes before my 8:40AM meeting with my friend, "D" who had the final goodies for a goody bag that the Southern California Officers (I'm president in Southern California) give to the International Officers. After that, there was another meeting, then rehearsals, and then I ran a meeting for those people I tried to contact last week. I contacted 100, and of those 100, only 25 got in touch with me before I left, and only 3 showed up. I'm not happy, but one of the past International Associate Presidents offered to take over recruiting for me, so I could focus on my main job for this week Needless to say, it made my life easier. There was a banquet tonight with about 200 people in attendance, and then our Informal Opening with introductions and Dignitaries. Now it's past 1AM, and I'm still awake. I need to be up at 7, and in my seat at 8:30 but I'm not sleepy. GRRRR!  P.S. The hideous dress isn't so hideous after all. I looked better than quite a few of my counterparts.

Let The Insanity Begin?

I think it already started... Up at 6AM with a phone call from Florida. I guess they forgot I'm in California... Anyway, it just gets crazier from there. Making phobne calls, answering emails, sending emails, fielding calls. FUCK ME!

Noon arrived way too soon, and still the insanity. It must be (easily) 100 degrees outside, and the reality that I never pre-boarded hit me. Did that, for both myself and my traveling companion, called the airline to confirm wheelchair service, and spoke to an English challenged person. Finally checked the mail, only to discover that my credentials necessary for the convention didn't arrive yet! This means an added trip to see the Secretary in El Segundo. Am I mad? No. I'm FURIOUS!

As I was handling that, FedEx arrived with Shilo's gift. I bought it cause I knew he'd love it, and I hope he does.  Sent paperwork on scheduling to the person in charge of that stuff, also attempted to print above boarding passes. No black ink! Got my clothes in the dryer in the middle of all the craziness, and just finished hanging up my new dresses. Now it's 1:45. FINALLY going out to run necessary errands. Wish me luck!

Up, up and away I go!

I am preparing to go on what is my biggest business trip of the year, a week long convention in Illinois. I will be attending this without Shilo or Stitch as a travel companion. Yes, my friends, I will be doing this ALONE! Well, not really... A very close friend of mine, who also needs to be there, will be on the planes with me. Still, it's not the same as having Shilo by my side, but I also cannot afford another plane ticket, or to leave Stitch alone for a week. Logic wins out on this one.

In spite of having everything in place, I am stressed out over all the preparations yet to be done, including purchasing at least two regular dresses, and making phone calls and sending emails to about 400 people in the next 2 days. All this seems so insurmountable that I just want to hide. Being depressed and afraid is NOT the way to go, but it looks like I'm going that way whether I want to or not. I want reassurances and cuddles, but I'm so stressed out that I cannot form the words necessary for me to get what I so badly need. Even as I write this, I know that Shilo will see the word 'need' and think to himself "She doesn't need this, she just  wants it." Still, I feel a need for emotional support because of all the things going on around me.

In other news, I made the scheduling arrangements necessary for me to be away for a little over a week. I plan on taking extra time away from work when I return so I can spend it with Shilo and Stitch. Mostly Shilo, because it will be the first time I will have been away from him for more than 4 days in a row since we started seeing each other. I plan on using those extra days after my return to reconnect with him. I feel it's very important for me personally to stay connected to my partners. I've spent a lot of time 'imprinting' myself to Shilo and my efforts have paid off. The success gives me a very large emotional challenge. By succeeding, I've made myself so emotionally attached that to be away from him truly causes me pain. This does not mean I regret it, rather, it means that I have learned how strongly imprinting can affect somebody, specifically me. Sometimes, you just have to pay the price (inside joke/pun intended) anyway, as stated before, my success came with a cost.

I will do my best to not become an emotional wreck because of this. I will trust that all will go well, and that when all is said and done, this temporary separation will make both of us stronger.

Pleasing?

For those of you paying attention, on Tuesday,  April 22nd, I addressed some reasons/ questions  Shilo wrote about why he doesn't feel like he's really married to me. For some, I gave answers, for others, I gave solutions. Anyway, I was able to deal partially with issue #2 and the results were interesting.

I was getting ready for a weekend church business trip, and my ride arrived early. As I wandered about the house getting myself together, I decided that my two friends who I was traveling with were the perfect people to start with. Fortunately, they took the news well and even joked about it. That was in front of Shilo. Once we got in the car and were on our way, the questions started. I reiterated that no, I am not cheating on Stitch,  and yes, Stitch will still be around. However, when they asked about brother-husbands, I had to laugh and dismiss the idea. There's no need in adding confusion and explaining polyamory.  I had several uncomfortable moments while they questioned me, but they also advised me to not to tell certain people for fear of an unneeded scandal. I'm taking their advice for now, simply because it's why I kept our marriage secret in the first place. I realize that Shilo might not like the idea, but until I can figure out a completely workable solution, I'm just going to do this on an individual basis. It's the polyamory I'm trying to hide, not Shilo.

Other than the above, the trip has been uneventful (thank goodness!) and I am enjoying time with the church ladies. I expect to be home Sunday night. Farewell for now!)

9 Questions and answers

Recently, Shilo has stated that he feels like he’s not really married to me, and I was more than a little surprised about that comment. In an effort to try and understand why and how, I asked him to tell me exactly why he felt that way, and he presented me with 9 reasons on his various blogs last night/this morning. I am now presenting them to him (and any readers) with my answers. He explained to me this morning that he didn’t really need solutions, but I have given a few anyway.

1.  She talks...gripes...complains... jokes... to me about Her ex-husband,. Stitch, who still lives with us, and with whom She shares time....   in a way that really makes me feel like, She is still HIS wife, and I am ... Her lover ... and She uses me as Her sounding board , to talk about Her problems with him.

A: You knew he would be around. You agreed to it. Who is there (really) that I can talk to? It goes both ways. (I complain/talk to Stitch about you too)

2.  Consider all the possible groups and sub groups, starting with
     MY  family .... friends ....  co-workers ....   church friends       and
     HIS  family ..... friends ...   co-workers ...    church friends?    and
     HER  family .... friends ...   co-workers?      Church friends
     Having made that list ...  start checking them off,  by  who knows that She and I are married, and who believes that She and Stitch are (still) married. I do believe that everybody (almost..?) within our circle of  ... um.... "non vanilla" friends know that She and I are married, and that's just fine and dandy,   but I'm just thinking about the vanilla-esque circle,  and the aggravation I feel in the pit of my stomach when we attend Her church socials, and I am introduced as Her (gay!) care giver.

A: Everyone (that counts) in my family knows. The boys know. My San Bernardino family and friends know. I have very few people I call “friend” and they know you and I are married. My church friends? Well, most of them don’t yet know (and you know why) and I no longer introduce Stitch as my husband. I have no co-workers to speak of. His family consists of the boys (discussed above) His mother has severe dementia, so no reason to upset her. His friends and co-workers don’t need to know. We agreed in the beginning (BEFORE we got romantically involved) that we would use the caregiver story to avoid raising eyebrows. As far as I know, your people know about us being married. That is all that counts. My solution is that I will announce our marriage once I’ve returned from the business trip if that is really what you want. It’s the polyamory that I’m trying to avoid discussing. Also Stitch doesn’t want people to think he’s “available”.

3. On the evenings that we are home...
    She spends most of the evening in Stitch's room... because that's where Her computer is.... while I spend the evening in my room...
  Until such a time as She decides to come join me in bed.

A: We could move my computer in the dining room/living room area, since it looks like Sunshine isn’t getting her room.

 4. She never misses an opportunity to call the house, HER HOUSE, and to call the beds, in Stitch's room and in my room, HER BEDS.
 It makes me think, I'm just a boarder there.

A: I put $35,000 (a HUGE chunk of MY inheritance) in purchasing the house, not including the money I spent in fixing up the house. So, yes, I consider it to be mine. When it comes time for us to actually register as the owner(s) I want it in all 3 of our names. I purposely purchased both beds, so no matter who I am sleeping with, I’m sleeping in my bed (polyamory strikes again!)

5.  Secrets, as in Hers.
     She might have only one,  She might have a thousand and one.
     Whenever a conversation we are having starts to zero in on some secret,  She stops the conversation and says, 'A girl has to have SOME secrets...Really? From Her husband?

A: I’m really not sure you want to know all the sordid details of my life. There are some things I’ve done that I’m not exactly proud of. As far as I’m concerned, you know the important stuff, and you know quite a few things that Stitch doesn’t know. And I feel that, yes, some things are better off not being revealed. To anyone. EVER! Add to it that my memory about some things sucks, so quite a bit has to do with not remembering details.

6.  Our finances ...Hers, mine, even Stitches...  while we don't exactly keep it all a secret from each other, we don't intermingle them either.

   Stitch and I make payments to Her for house payment and household bills, ... it's another procedure that I'm a renter or a boarder.

A: We discussed this in the beginning, and both you and Stitch decided it was better that I be responsible for paying the bills. We both know that Stitch is irresponsible with money, and you said you trusted me to pay the bills (which I do, on time, and in full) If you want a 3 way account, we can do so. It doesn’t really matter to me. 

7. She has not, and says She will not, take my last name for Her own.   
   She still keeps the name of Her second husband.  

A: I wanted to keep the same last name as my children to avoid confusion. I also have a (now expired) professional license, and I didn’t want to go through the hassle of a name change. It requires a court order (FEE: $435) and Notification of ALL my creditors etc. Just not worth it IMHO.

8.  The three of us wear matching silver wedding bands, AND She still wears the gold band from Her marriage to Stitch.

A: I wear the gold band on my right hand. It is very special to me. You wear your LOTR ring on your right hand, and Stitch wears his gold band on his left hand over the silver band. I may not be married to him, but we do have a commitment. (Polyamory)

9.  Growing up.... what I saw of married life, was ... the man went to work in the morning, and returned in the evening, five days a week, off on holidays and weekends.
   And that's how I learned to expect and perceive it.
   NOW, for us:   Stitch goes to work in the morning, and returns in the evening... is off on holidays and weekends.
   MY work schedule is ... all over the map: I currently work half a day on Sundays, and three overnights...  and, um, etc.
 On Mondays and Tuesdays, She is still asleep when I get home.
  On Mondays and Tuesdays, She is sitting at Her computer ...while Stitch is prone on the bed, watching t.v.  ... when I got to work.
  It gives me the feeling that THEY are married, and I'm the roommate or boarder, just saying 'see ya later' as I go to work.

A: I can’t “fix” your schedule, but I do try to be with you when you leave for work. As for the computer, I offered a suggestion (above, answer #3) but I can’t do much else.

So, as you can see, it’s not really my marriage to Shilo that I’m hiding, as much as it is the polyamory. I’ve provided a viable solution for the computer issue, and expressed my feelings about finances and name changes with reasonable (to me) explanations. I’m sure I will get feedback on all of this, and while we might have issues in the future and further questions, I feel content in knowing why Shilo feels how he feels, and that we can work together to solve the problems/issues that came up.

Update

Things are better. Not perfect, but better. My doubts have mostly left, and the unpleasantness with both Shilo and Stitch have improved. My ten year anniversary with Stitch (as a Partner/Lover) is almost here. I've known him for 15 years. My one year anniversary of meeting Shilo recently passed, as did our six month wedding anniversary. I'm glad we all talk through things, that Stitch is such a good comforter when things get out of control and that Shilo is such a fast learner. There is still much to do, but it appears the light at the end of the tunnel isn't a train.

Life often gets in the way of plans, and so it's been that way for my Household. My FINAL travel plans as an International Officer in the women's group I belong to is set, and my term is nearly over. Only one month and two days until I go back to being just me. Yes, I'm going in as President in my local chapter, and I will most likely remain the president of the Southern California region, but my term as Representative in Southern California will be over. It's been a great experience, but it's also restricted my kink activities some, and I just want to be able to be less closeted. Okay, I do have a few close friends in my women's group that know who I am and what I do, and they know that Shilo is more than just a caregiver, but to be revealed would no doubt mean that I would lose my position, and if that happened, there wouldn't be enough people to continue the group that I Love so very much.

Shilo has stopped smoking, this time for good (thank you Chantix) and I'm very proud of him. We decided that a domestic submissive would be nice, so I have been meeting with a few of them. Unfortunately, there hasn't been a single one that has impressed either of us, so the search continues.In case a reader is wondering, no, we have not put out an ad. Instead, we have decided to just look through profiles at collar me (gasp!) and wait for them to actually pursue my attention. Naturally, we've also told a few select friends about our desires, knowing that they would spread the word, but the results are a bit underwhelming. There is no big rush on this, but we might actually wind up putting out an ad eventually. Maybe upon my return in mid May.

Stitch has been busy with work, and kind of quiet, which really is not that unusual for him.This is his "long" week with me, so I hope I'm feeling healthy soon. Not feeling well really puts a damper on our physical activity, and I've been feeling sick for 4 days with no end in sight. Stitch's ability to be patient with me when I'm feeling horrible is a wonderful thing. I know I can be difficult, but he's always there, ready to hug me or hold me until I feel better. If hugs kept me healthy, I'd never be sick. Anyway, it's going to be a very busy week for me, so I need to get better.

Changes

Some things change, others don't. The amount of my Love for Shilo has changed, the fact that I Love him hasn't. I can honestly say and write that my Love for him has only increased in the time I've known him, the time we've been together. I can't help but Love him. He is a wonderful and caring person. He has many qualities that I've always wanted in a Partner, in a husband, in a submissive/slave.

And, yet...

We are in what some people might call a rough patch in our relationship. We both have problems with clinical depression, and it seems to have hit the two of us at the same time. It really sucks. Hell, it more than sucks. It's downright scary. If it wasn't for the fact that I believe him when he says he Loves me, I'd be really worried that our marriage was falling apart. I'd be afraid that he was going to walk out and never return. I'd be afraid that I had to face all this emotional turmoil alone. We haven't really talked about this as much as we should (my opinion) but every time I read his journal, I see how dissatisfied he is, and it only makes me sadder, because I can't do anything about it. I can't "fix" him, and he can't "fix" me.

So...

What do I do? I don't know. I'm at a loss here. I know what I won't do. I won't give up. I won't stop Loving him. I won't give in to that ache inside me. I won't, because it goes against all that I believe in.

What do I believe?

I believe that Shilo was an answer to my prayers, I was an answer to his prayers, and to the prayers of others. I believe in Divine Intervention. I believe I have an Obligation to Shilo, as his wife and Mistress, and to God, who brought us together. I made a Promise, and I'm sticking to it, because I know that this depression is temporary, and, if memory serves me right, I've survived every other bout of depression, so I will survive this too. I also have the feeling that Shilo has been in this state of mind before, and that he will get through this as well. Our odds of surviving this is pretty good.

I'm wishing and hoping that all these bad feelings go away soon. That we can both get back to a better state of mind. I need to believe it's true.

The misery and self-loathing will go away, and I will come out of it a better and stronger person..

My message to Shilo:

I Love you. NOTHING will ever change that. We will get through this together, and someday soon, all this will be a bad memory. Don't give up.

I’m Not Stupid Nor Am I Confused (3-6-2014)

For the past 20 years or so, but mostly in the last 15, I’ve felt like I was slowly going crazy. I come across as being of at least normal intelligence (being modest here) until I open my mouth. No, I’m not that bad, but I will try to explain. I cannot remember names. Even worse, I frequently call things by the wrong names. A good example of that is about 2 days ago, I asked Stitch to get my clothes out of the oven. The word I needed, and couldn’t remember, was “washer”, I didn’t struggle when I said “oven”, but I knew I used the wrong name right after I said it. I’ve called the kitchen the garage, the garage the bedroom etc. Ad nauseam. I cannot remember the names of people either. Normally, it’s not a problem, and I can wing it, but imagine my horror last month when I had out of town guests to introduce and couldn’t remember Shilo’s name! He’s my husband! I just kept talking, struggling to remember his name, so I could introduce him to them. Finally, he picked up on my discomfort and introduced himself.

Sometimes, I just feel like crying or want to die of embarrassment over it. People don’t understand because I don’t look or act impaired, and there have been times when I wished I looked or acted “different” so people wouldn’t judge me so harshly. On really bad days, I avoid speaking to anyone but Shilo or Stitch because the stress of having to remember a person’s name is too much for me. I ignore people at parties so I don’t have to struggle to remember their name. It can be a very isolating experience. When it comes to writing or public speaking, I manage to look polished because I can “look up” a word, or even ask someone at home what the word I want is. Once I’ve written it down, all I have to do is read it, and nobody knows that I’m unable to remember the name of the thing I drive (car) or the thing that water comes out of (faucet) or the name of the place I cook dinner (kitchen) or even my home address. I can’t even remember the name of the disorder, but I wrote it down earlier. It’s called Anomic Aphasia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anomic_aphasia). I have what I would consider a mild case, because most of the time, I remember and can say the correct words of things, but places and names are a constant thorn in my side.

Please understand. This is not a pity party. This is me sharing and explaining why I am the way I am. It’s me asking that you laugh with me and at me when the wrong words come out, and, instead of correcting me if you know what I meant to say, just act like I said the correct word. Trust me, I know when I’ve used the wrong word, so there’s really no need to embarrass me further unless you’re just petty and/or cruel. Also, in the remote possibility that I made no sense at all to you, politely ask me to repeat myself. I won’t be angry or offended if you say you didn’t understand me. All I ask for is a little kindness. Thank you.

Why?

Why? is a frequently asked question in my household, especially by Shilo. He doesn't ask because he is obnoxious or obstinate, although he can be both. No, he asks because is naturally curious, and he feels that everything must have a logical reason. I work very hard to give him logical reasons for my actions and desires, but I occasionally fail. After all, I'm human.

Oh, there are other questions, of course, but I don't always feel up to answering them. Sometimes I avoid them by distraction or giving a non-answer, or even asking a question of my own. I feel justified in those reactions for many reasons. I mean, answering "Because I'm the Mistress" should be enough for anyone, especially Shilo. No, it doesn't "work" that way, but one could always hope.

Frequently asked questions (with standard answer)

1. Where are you going? (Out.)

2. What's for dinner? (Food.)

3. How is/was__________? (Fine.)

Yes, I realize that some of those answers are kind of snarky. I can't help it. I've got deep-seated reasons why I answer those questions that way, and I really don't feel like talking about it, especially at that moment.

Starting with question #3. I usually revert to that answer when I don't feel like discussing the event. It could be that it was horrible or rotten, and I'm not up to a long drawn out conversation. On the other hand, it could just be that it was fine.

Question #2 isn't as frequently asked as it used to be, but it goes back to a time when I had very little food, and/or I was unable to decide at that moment. Food, especially dinner, tends to be rather last-minute, so I often don't have an acceptable answer. By saying "Food" I've made it clear I don't want to discuss it, or I'm still deciding.

Now, question #1 is a "trigger" question. I was in an abusive relationship where my every move was watched, and I resented that question. I felt like I was distrusted, and that made me resentful of my former husband. After I finally left him, I enjoyed my freedom, but then my older sister moved in, and suddenly, all I ever heard was that question. I felt that if my mom knew, nobody else needed to know, especially not my older sister. The whole "Where are you going?" question was a thorn in my side. My theory is that I'm an adult and I can do what I want and go where I want. I realize this can cause problems, especially with Shilo,who is, more often than not, just curious or genuinely concerned about me.

Well, I hope this is helpful.

A Public Service Announcement

I've become my mother! Please stay with me and my thoughts. I haven't really become my mother, what I have become is a little bit more observant when it comes to other people. I notice things I never paid attention to before. Things I might have ignored, or (heaven forbid!) actually done myself! I try hard to be tolerant. I really do, but some things are intolerable, much like those men who wear sandals and black socks, you try to look away, to ignore it, but you just can't! The error, the atrocity of it, is just overwhelming. 

So, what has my panties in a bunch? I will share: High Heels. Honestly, I have nothing against high heels. They can be sexy on nearly anyone, and, when chosen properly, they can be worn all day, and all night without a problem. BUT There is a problem, and it isn't just young women. I see older women (such as myself, or even older) doing it too, and it's time someone knocked some sense into these women! It's funny that men in high heels aren't guilty of this, but I suspect that they know better than most women, and this irritates me most of all.

Women, you know you look sexy in those heels, and that people go wild over your sexy legs, so PLEASE do yourself a favor. Buy those sexy heels, put them on in the privacy of your own home, and (are you ready for it?) Practice (yes, practice!) walking in them! Look at yourself in the mirror! If you look like a newborn foal, then DON'T WEAR THEM IN PUBLIC!!! Just don't! You practice walking in them until you glide across the floor! Then, and only then, wear them in public, wear them to the club, the grocery store, the 99 cents store, or even Wal-Mart.

Please save me from getting arrested for assault! One day, I just might get crazy enough to stop one of these girls (or women) and tell them myself, and it might get ugly, so please, tell your daughters, tell your wives, your girlfriends, your subs, slaves and Mistresses, tell them all to practice wearing those sexy heels so I don't have to!

Thank you!