Frustrated by the day's activities, and with a full belly, I went to bed about 9:15ish. I woke up sometime around midnight. Keep in mind this is a guesstimate... I don't know anymore, and it doesn't matter. What does matter, at least to me, is that shit is falling apart, and I'm not sure what I can do, or how it all will end up. I've gotten used to people who express themselves, often LOUDLY, and always clearly. Shilo? He shuts down... He often sulks or just won't talk. I don't blame him for being like that. It's just his nature, and he's used to being alone for long periods of time.
I can't change him. In fact, I'd dare to say that I Love him just as he is. Even when he's sullen and quiet. I Love that look he gets in his eyes when I've found his elusive 'sweet spot", even better, when he's so deep into subspace that he looks at me like he's been tranquilized, and he's drooling, and can't walk straight. The pictures of him when he's with Sunshine, the sweet look of adoration in both his eyes and her eyes. His smooth alabaster skin, his strong legs and his perfectly rounded bottom. The way he whispers my name.The way he's held my hand and reassured me. A friend once described us as being "sticky sweet" and I think she's right. No, things aren't good right now, and I don't know if or when it will be good again, but I'm not too likely to give up. I don't give up easily, and I made a commitment, one I plan on keeping. I'm not giving up, and even if his actions cause me pain, and I am miserable and crying, I'm not going to let this hold me back from Loving him. He's testing me, maybe without really realizing it, and he needs to know I'm not going to abandon him. He wanted something 'permanent' where I wasn't going to let him go, and I gave it to him.
Another thing: My thoughts are just that; thoughts. It doesn't mean they will turn into actions. I want to be able to talk to him about anything, about everything. This means that I will pour out my heart. My dreams, my fears, my desires... even the ones that I'd never confess to others. I know he'll listen. Unfortunately, not all my thoughts are pure and sweet. Some of them would cause any other man to question where my heart is. Sometimes I will forget that the Shilo I married is not the same Shilo I met back in March, and that this Shilo has feelings and thoughts that the earlier Shilo never had. I forget, at least temporarily, that this Shilo just might not be able or willing to hear what I have to say when I pour myself out. I make mistakes, and I expect feedback, and I need to remember that he's not always able or willing to give it to me. Those things are not his fault, not my fault. They just are.
Shilo, for those things I've done or said that may have caused you pain, I apologize. I need you to state clearly exactly what is bothering you, what will help to make things better. As I've stated before, I don't want a slave who is a sycophantic robot. I want opinions. YOUR opinions. Now I will try to get to bed and sleep, in spite of the insomnia.
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