His Desires

This was intended for my private (blogger) journal only, and not FetLife, but I decided that this needs a (slightly) bigger audience. This requires that I give a (not so) brief explanation. If you want, skip to the next paragraph. I was in a polyamorous relationship with my ex-husband, Stitch, when I first saw Shilo in late March. At that point, he was still D---- and it was his very first time at my favorite dungeon, and he was there to meet someone. He caught my attention that night, and I wasn't looking. He was kind of pretty with his long blonde hair, and he was obviously feeling out of place, but I had other things planned that night, so I went on with my play date, and occasionally saw him sitting near the back. I caught a glimpse of the chastity device he was wearing, and that further caught my attention. The next day, I found a post by him on one of the groups I belong to, and when I read it and his profile, I sent him a short note. I had already decided that he needed encouragement to go to public play parties, and that I could be friendly towards him, but that I would not play with him, because he was a smoker. To say I detest cigarettes is an understatement. My sincere hope was that he'd keep coming around, and that he would find someone nice to play with. We kept up with back and forth messaging, and, whenever I saw him, I'd greet him with a hug, and briefly speak to him. I could tell by our interactions that he was not very successful in actually meeting anyone that was even remotely interested in playing with him beyond just one time, and I could tell by his pictures that he was a heavy bottom. I also noticed that whenever I saw him and got near him that he didn't smell like a heavy cigarette smoker, so I took my chances, and invited him to join me at a party and play with me. I figured I needed a reliable play partner, and he needed someone to play with too. I told him we'd start off with a short session, and if he managed to entertain me, we'd go longer, and if I was happy at the end of the night, I'd play with him at every party. Well, he proved himself well, and at the end of the night, I invited him to join us for a late night snack, thinking (hoping) he would refuse. I mean, it's one thing to play at a dungeon, but completely different to actually have to talk to them. I recall apologizing profusely to Stitch, and him reassuring me that it would be okay. Stitch was right. It was okay, and I realized that he was okay. We even set up another date, and in September, I married Shilo. We are now a happy poly family.

Most of us are full of desires, and not all of them are easy, but I want to share Shilo's desires right now, because they are so simple, and yet, they are also difficult. The items I'll be explaining might seem like Shilo is a "do-me" slave, but he is not. Most of the desires listed were more of a self-improvement nature, and if I could help him become a better man, why not give a guiding hand in making these things happen? Shilo's first desire was to find someone, preferably a woman, who would Dominate him, and discipline him, and give him spankings on a regular basis. I came along, and that desire was fulfilled. He would obsessively masturbate (the reason he had on the chastity device when I first saw him) so he asked for guidance/help to stop. I gave him the help he needed with that. He also desired a BDSM contract, but he felt my initial one wasn't restrictive enough, so I gave him a very restrictive slave contract. I realized that his desire for more restrictions had to do with a fear of being dumped by me, and he needed a sense of "permanency" so I gave it to him. Later, when he realized/admitted to me that he was in Love with me (something neither of us expected) he decided that he wanted to quit smoking. I stated restricting his daily cigarette intake, and he used e-cigs to help with the nicotine. It was the smell and effect of the cigarettes on the lungs that he was concerned with. He wanted to straighten out his living area. That was a difficult task, but us getting married and moving to a house pretty well fixed that. Those were her biggest desires, the ones that seemed so hard, and yet, with lots of encouragement and Love, he was successful in meeting those desires and goals. Yes, he briefly backslid on two of those things, but he is back on track now.

But now comes two of his more simple desires. One was to have a "strict wife" that would use domestic discipline and lock him in chastity for her enjoyment. I wasn't sure if I was up for all it entailed, but I'm discovering that it is something I'm enjoying more as time goes on. I think he occasionally gets the understanding of "Be careful what you you wish for" He often resists, but I know that deep inside, he is very happy with it. The other desire, the one I think he desires most is to actually cry during a discipline session. It's easy for most people, but not Shilo. I really couldn't figure out why. I mean, we've had some really intense sessions, and yet, not a tear has been shed. Nothing I did caused more than a grunt, groan or gasp. It was frustrating for me, because I was able to help with all those difficult, almost insurmountable things, and I couldn't get this grown man to cry? I'm not bragging, but getting grown men to cry was easy. Effortless, even, but not Shilo. Recently, however, a light went on, and now I understand. I'm sharing this, because it might help someone else. Over the past two weeks, we have had some problems. Ugly problems. The kind of stuff that will tear apart even the best relationships. Only... well, only I have a really strict moral code, and I rarely make promises. By that, I mean, I'm not likely to say, "I promise (whatever)" I just don't do it because a promise is a HUGE thing for me. Well, I promised Shilo that I wouldn't just give up on him. I promised that I'd try to work things out with him no matter what happened, and that leaving was not an option. Like I said, things had gotten ugly, and I was at the end of my emotional rope. I had given everything and it wasn't good enough. He was unable (unwilling?) to see that he had ripped me open and gutted me, and that I needed some compassion. I'm human, and I need Love too. It was at that point, where I was sobbing, that the light went on. He is unable to truly empathize with others when it comes to sorrow or sadness. Love? He has it down pat, but emotional pain? It's blocked. I finally realized why, and it's a very personal reason, but he associated it with a weakness, and he essentially built a wall around himself. He "shuts down" and is unable to feel, and I finally saw his insensitivity to my pain, even after I explained it to him. I could see that he was trying so very hard to understand, but he had no reference point. I remembered a conversation I had with his mom when we visited his parents last week, and I finally understood why. Now comes the hard part. I confronted him. Not in an accusing way, but in a compassionate way. I told him what he needed to hear. He's not going to cry. Not until he learns that it's okay to feel sadness, sorrow and anguish and that expressing it is not a sign of weakness, but strength. Only he can open those floodgates, but he needs to be aware that it's okay to do so. For now though, I will wait patiently.