Oh....

Kind of like an AHA! Oh is less enthusiastic appearing, as it rarely has an accompanying exclamation point after it, yet it is still a reaction to a discovery. Aha! is when you find out you were correct, Oh is when you discover something you didn't know or expect. Then there's Oh? as in, Really? tell me more... That could be good or bad, depending...

Lately, my discoveries have been more Oh than Aha. I'm okay on the surface, and I've chosen to remain very superficial instead of digging deep because I don't like those deep thoughts and feelings. I get the feeling that a 'purge' is necessary, because holding in all that negativity is bad for me.

I'm not unhappy, it's more that I'm not exactly happy with all these Oh moments. It's been over a week now, and I'm still upset (sad, not mad) about discovering cigarettes in Shilo's car. That was an Oh moment. I've always made a point to put my feelings out there for Shilo, and, thanks to Sunshine, secrets rarely stay secret long. It brings me back to my previous post about there being no one-size-fits-all guide for having a slave, or a husband, or a wife, or a child, or a boss or employee, or even a friend. Face it: Human interaction is a very tricky thing. We get hurt or angry, or sad or confused, or any other negative emotion, and we try to muddle our way through it, or we shut down, or we become passive-aggressive, or just outright lie about it. Sometimes, it's easier than just blurting out "I feel (emotion) because of (whatever was said or done)" The question that remains in my mind is how long am I going to feel like this, and why should I turn into a broken record?

The most important emotion right now is Love.  So, what do I or can I say?  Maybe I should say:  I Love you Shilo, and yes, I'm still feeling hurt and more than a little insecure right now, and I want to feel secure, but it's hard because you not only chose to defy me, but you also lied about it, and yes, I know you were severely punished for it, but my pain about it is still there, and I know you apologized but I still feel so very hurt and betrayed, and I can't help how I feel...? 

Do I rip open my chest and pour out my heart? Do I expose my vulnerability, make myself weak before him? Do I tell him that my Love for him makes me unable to stay angry, but afraid of him hurting me? Do I tell him he's able to hurt me so easily because I Love him so very much and all I want to do is be a source of happiness and joy for him, so when he's anything other than that, I feel like a failure? Do I tell him he can tear me apart with just a few words? What the fuck do I do? Does this change our dynamic? Does this make him less of a slave? Does this make me less of a Dominant?

DAMMIT! I WANT ANSWERS!!! I deserve answers. But there's no guidebook, no one-size-fits-all answers for this, and the only people who can figure this out is us, and the answers of today may not be the same tomorrow or next week.

I guess I will mull over this... click "Publish" and try to work my way through this.