True Christmas Eve Story PLUS A Gift For My Friends

Imagine this:
6PM Christmas Eve. I enter a crowded grocery store in Long Beach, CA.  Yeah, I can be a bit of a masochist at times. anyway, i realized I was nearly out of paper towels, and I needed oranges for tomorrow's breakfast, so I braved the insanity. Imagine my surprise/horror when I saw an ENTIRE row devoted to Valentine's Day! On Christmas Eve! What The Actual FUCK???!!! Anyway, I got in the shortest long line (9 people in front of me) and waited.

I'm still a bit behind in my cooking/baking, and some gifts won't be arriving until Saturday (via Amazon) but at least that part is done.

My Christmas Gift:

Due to several requests, I'm sharing my Mother's recipe for Christmas Pork. The fun part was reducing the recipe from what I normally do (5+ lbs of pork, nearly 3 large bottles of red wine vinegar, and a full bottle of red wine plus more heads of garlic than I care to admit) to what "normal" people do. (about a pound of pork) Here is the base recipe (measurements of seasonings are to taste, but it is very garlicky)

Christmas Pork (Portuguese Recipe)

1 lb Pork cut into cubes
1 1/2 cups red wine vinegar
3/4 cup dry red wine
1 bay leaf
1 large whole garlic head with cloves sliced thin
1 teaspoon salt
pepper (just a little)
1/2 teaspoon Italian seasoning

Mix together vinegar, red wine, garlic, salt, bay leaf, pepper, and Italian seasoning in large bowl. Add pork, and stir well. Make sure pork cubes are covered. Refrigerate minimum overnight, better if 24 hours. Stir occasionally.

On Christmas morning (about 11, because I like to sleep in) I drain the pork on a paper towel, then melt about 1/2 cube of butter in a large skillet. Add the pork to the skillet in batches to prevent crowding; cook and stir until completely browned and no longer pink in the center. Add more butter as necessary. DO NOT USE MARGARINE OR OIL!

Now, you might ask then what? Make plain scrambled eggs, and serve them together. For real authenticity, serve oranges cut in quarters on the side. Now, the purpose for the orange is twofold. One, it cuts on the garlic breath, two, it reduces the gas.

Merry Christmas!

♥ ♥ ♥

Merry

Holiday Cocktail Time!

My apologies, but I believe in arriving fashionably late, and it's near 5PM here, so perfect for cocktails!

Here's my personal favorite with a twist:

Merry's Merry Christmas Fizz

2 shots (2 oz) Grenadine Syrup
12 oz. Seagrams Dry Ginger Ale 
4 oz Pineapple Juice
 Ice

Stir it up little darlin' and share it with your favorite loved one! 

By using the Seagrams Dry Ginger Ale, it's not too sweet, and the pineapple juice makes it nice and fruity.

Sorry, nobody here for my picture.

Our Host's Contribution 

Hermoinie's Contribution 

Ronnie's Contribution 

Cocktails Anyone?

I'm pretty sure most people have heard of a "Cookie Exchange" where a group of people (usually women) get together around Hanukkah and Christmas and bake a batch of their specialty cookies and have cards available with the recipe so that they can share it.

Anyway, my Dear Friend KDPierre came up with a different idea.  How about doing one with Holiday cocktails? It doesn't have to have alcohol in it (Good thing, because I don't drink alcohol!) and it would be fun! Well, I'm on board with that!

You can find the blog with the participation information and "rules" HERE! On the date of what I'm calling the "Cocktail Party" add your link to the recipe, and then, add everyone else's links to their cocktail recipes so it looks like Hermoine's and then EVERYONE can have some fun!

See you on the 17th!

Observing Shilo, An Update

Over 3 years ago, I noticed the changes in Shilo as his still undiagnosed prostate cancer worked its way deeper into his body and metastasized. I spent over two years arguing with the (former) GP to get a PSA test done on him, and I've spent the past year dealing with the effects of that neglect. Inoperable metastatic prostate cancer. He has been receiving chemotherapy since March this year, and his 9 weeks of radiation therapy is scheduled to come to an end on December 17th. The radiation has not been kind to him, and many days he's been too sick to eat. Seeing that come to an end and him possibly feeling better will be a happy occasion indeed!

On the other hand, he will probably be on chemotherapy for the rest of his life, and fortunately, his body has tolerated the effects of it really well. The lack of testosterone and subsequent increase in estrogen and its effects on him physically, mentally, and emotionally have been interesting. While not what I would call stoic, Shilo wasn't one to express his emotions with me. Now there is a lovely spectrum coming from him. His Love is expressed in many ways, as are his fears, desires, and sharing his needs. It really is beautiful to have him share with me. His understanding of what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling that way has increased to a point where not only will he reach for me, but his ability to empathize with me is amazing. He has become my mirror, and with all the pain and confusion there's been, it allows for healing in ways beyond my imagination.

Always comfortable with his masculinity, even when I would dress him in women's clothing, he has continued to be so, and has embraced the physical effects of the lack of testosterone. My days of dressing him as a woman are likely over, but he knows that I enjoy the breast growth, and I don't poke at him, remembering what it was like when my breasts started developing. In fact, I'm more likely to ask his permission before handling him. He's undergone so many changes, that I feel it would be selfish for me to force things on him. I like to think of him as the same man I married 6+ years ago but with upgrades.

I remember being told in January that chemotherapy for prostate cancer had a different effect than the more "traditional" chemotherapy, and I'm so glad I didn't convince him to shave off all his lovely hair. His lovely hair and nice ass were the things that initially attracted me to him. He still has that.

I understand that some people wouldn't like the effects of increased estrogen, which include breast growth, shrinkage of the penis and testes, decreased libido, and all the emotional changes as well, but in my opinion, it beats dying of cancer. It's a matter of deciding what is more important in your relationship: having one where your partner has a chance of survival or not having a partner at all.

Is it hard? Well, I have had days where I struggled to not feel sorry for both him and myself, and cried so many tears that I became thirsty from dehydration. I am not exaggerating! Then there was our 6 year wedding anniversary weekend in September where he was feeling well enough to travel, and we went to Ventura with me driving, and had a wonderful time doing a few of his "Bucket List" items. He was even looking healthy then, and I have pictures that I will treasure. I'll say that I'm constantly learning how to roll with the punches. We both are.

Having an extended support system of friends and loved ones has made it easier, and I know that most of them are only a call or text away. Having someone who will hold my hand and/or cry with me allows me to focus on the important stuff. The sadness never stays long, and worry? Well life is full of worries, so why allow it to rule me? I can easily come up with a list of friends and family who are having a difficult time right now, so I know we aren't alone, and if I can shine a light or light a candle to help them through the dark, then my job is done. I know they will do the same for me.

Merry

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zzutyUquD5A

Happy Halloween!

Hey there Little Red Riding Hood!

You sure are looking GOOD!

You're everything a Big Bad Wolf could want!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_FA85RO89HA

Love,
Merry

Some Updates

Some of these are past due, but I've been more than a little preoccupied.


Right around June of this year, Shilo finally got to the point where he realized that he was on what I call a path of self-destruction.  He has decided that "Master B" is good for me, and while they will never become best friends, he has become accepting of our relationship and is friendly with him.  We've even gone out to dinner together and  Shilo finally sees how much he has in common with him.

Shilo also started taking better care of his diabetes and now is on insulin. He wants to stay as healthy as possible, and he's made great strides in eating right. Yes, he occasionally has snacks that aren't the best, but he's eating more vegetables, and is more willing to eat fruit instead sweets.

Our six year wedding anniversary is only 23 days away, and it really has been the best 6 years of my life. I feel loved and appreciated, and while things haven't been easy at times, he's been a quick learner.

We're closer now than I could have ever imagined, and it's because of his conscious effort to be present whenever possible.

I have pretty much retired from seeking a masochist to play with, and yes, it's a sacrifice I've done willingly. Still "Master B" understands what a sacrifice it's been, so he has bottomed for me several times, and his wife has offered to have me co-top with her when she has a play date, so there is that as well.

 My health is improving, and I meet my new GP in 6 weeks.

Also, I finally took some time to see my girl Trish this week. She lives in the Inland Empire area, which is notorious for it's heat, but we managed to stay cool, and it's been several months.

I just keep trying to focus on the positive here.

Vanilla Views and Outlooks

In case you've been hiding under a rock, or perhaps too preoccupied to notice, my husband/slave, Shilo, has Advanced Metastatic Prostate Cancer.  It has affected us in many ways, and because I was so frightened in the beginning because it just started as a suspicion, I started a new (vanilla) blog which you can find at the end of this entry.

Please feel free to read or leave messages, but keep in mind that it is totally vanilla, and I would prefer that it not get linked back to this page.

Thank you,
Merry

Here's the link:

https://alostwifesjourney.blogspot.com/

Recipe For A Happier Day

And Maybe Even Life…

Okay, we all know that yesterday was a burst bubble for me. (https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2019/07/can-you-hear-me.html)  I have a whole list of words, but not important. The truth is that all those bad feelings put me off my game, and I neglected doing the one thing that all the positive changes were about.


Now, even though I went off on the one important activity, I stayed on track with everything else. Plus I did go to my Insurance Provider's (Blue Shield) website, and looked up doctors in my area. I picked 9, then went to websites to check reviews on the 9 (doctor.webmd.com, health.usnews.com, vitals.com, healthgrades.com, md.com, sharecare.com plus a few others) and quickly (if you call 2 hours of research quick) found The One.


Today wasn't much better, at least, not at first, and we had errands to run. I'm really grateful for Shilo's willingness to go on these tedious drives with me, because he makes it tolerable, and he is the first ingredient in my recipe. After completing the tasks, my mood was a little worse until we both realized that Krispy Kreme was just a mile up the road, so we stopped and bought a dozen plus some holes. That's the second ingredient. (going there) Then, when we were nearly home, I realized that it had been over a month since I had my guilty pleasure (Taco Bell's plain Double Decker taco with no lettuce and a Mountain Dew) and yes, ladies and gentlemen, going to Taco Bell is the third ingredient! Now comes the hard part. Drive home, get upstairs and settled. Start by eating the Double Decker taco, drink the Mountain Dew, and follow it with 2 Krispy Kreme holes. I relaxed a little, and then follow up with calling the Insurance Provider. By this time, my mood had lifted, and I was downright pleasant.

The customer service representative was more than helpful, and even made the new doctor effective today for both Stitch and myself. Shilo is on a different plan, and he has wonderful doctors taking care of him.

I'm very happy, and I have a full belly, and I kept my treats within my dietary requirements, so no cheating, and no bad temptations.

HAPPY AUGUST!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ACPRnPgZMtA

Can You Hear Me?

A Tale Of Discouragement

47 days. Forty-seven FUCKING days. I have monitored my eating habits, followed a (relatively) strict diet, increased my fluid intake, and monitored my blood sugar and kept it down to an acceptable level with few exceptions. I don't expect overnight results, but I've begun to feel healthier and my blood sugar results are proof that it's paying off. I chart my dietary intakes, I care about what goes in my body.


I'm proud of my progress. My Household and those close to me know what sacrifices I've made for this. I'm NOT a "special snowflake" and numbers don't lie. All this work is paying off, and I'm doing it in spite of the stressors caused by Shilo's prostate cancer and dealing with the delays caused by it. I am a warrior, and I haven't stopped or given up. I've even been a good example for Shilo, who is now taking better care of his diabetes, and I believe it's never too late to make life and lifestyle changes. There is no "too old" or "too late" until we're dead.


So, what's wrong? Why am I discouraged? Well, I went to the doctor today, for my every three months check, and I made a copy of my charting to show him my blood levels and discuss my changes, and ask him what he thought of the improvements. He barely even glanced at them, and told me that I was wasting my time, and I didn't need to keep track of things. Instead of acknowledging the improvements, and giving feedback on my questions, he ignored them and focused on other things. I mean, my blood pressure has improved, my pants (when I wear them) are too big. It wasn't that long ago that I was 225, and now I hover between 190 and 195. He didn't even answer my questions! When he was finished, I went down to my car and cried. I just can't handle this.


I deserve better. I deserve to be heard. I pay him to assist me in improving my health, and I'm being ignored, and I'm tired of it. If this was any other relationship, I would have ended it already, and that is where I am now. Unfortunately, unlike a relationship, where I can do without the hassle, I need a doctor. Contacting my insurance is one of many steps I have to take, so this is more like a divorce.

And now that I've written this, I still feel discouraged, but I also feel better, because I know what I have to do. Find a new doctor. Wish me the best!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tfY4OfUXiYU 

  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OPwcf60X-Q4

Competition?

It's Something I Learned A Long Time Ago :
 

No matter how "perfect" or "great" you think you are, there will always be someone who is younger, thinner, richer, prettier, or smarter than you are. You won't always be the center of attention, so learn to live with it.

The above doesn't mean you give up and become a shrinking violet, it means that you accept that fact, and make yourself memorable, hopefully in a positive way. It means that you might have to make more of an effort in some way, but if a person is worth being with and having in your life, they are worth that effort. Just remember that it's not a competition, and some people just want the next big thing, the newer, flashier model. Don't sell yourself out. Know your value. Realize that You have Value! You are worth it, even if you are tossed aside by someone because they prefer a newer flashier model, or even an older, more established model. This goes no matter what your age or gender.

 

I had several discussions yesterday regarding making an effort. Making the effort to let the other person know that they are valued. Telling me "I Love you" is nice, and I appreciate it, but your actions tell me so much more. The way you look at me when I enter a room, your touch, the effort you make to be with me, remembering the things I like, and being willing to show me your vulnerabilities. Showing that you trust me, but that's me. Maybe your needs are different. Talking about those needs.

 

Resting on one's laurels is a dangerous thing to do. Just because you have your "prize" today does not guarantee that you will always have them, and if you don't treat them like they are important to you, or stop putting forth effort and having the mindset of "Now that I have you, I can relax and let myself go to shit, and ignore you." you will have a hard lesson to learn.

 

I don't necessarily view myself as a "prize," but apparently there are a few people who feel I am, and I might occasionally wonder about their taste, I know that I can't neglect them because I'm so special that they are irresistibly drawn to me. No, I do my best to do things to show them that I value them as well, whether it's remembering their favorite music or food, or dressing a certain way. It doesn't require much effort. They do the same for me, and it makes the both of us happy.

 

Shilo is making the effort to relearn those things about me now that he's retired and at home. He's making a conscious effort to do things because for the longest time, he was so busy with work that he didn't have time. Now time is a more flexible yet fleeting thing, and he's making it count. He notices things more often and understands me in a way he never did. It's almost like our early days before we got married almost six years ago.

 

Where was I? Well, I'm not where I planned on going, but I rarely am. Time to refocus.

 

I could easily make myself crazy with jealousy over all those people who have what I don't, but I have a not-so-secret secret. It's not a competition. I don't have to compete with that pretty young thing with perfect hair and makeup and mani-pedi's. Sure, she might occasionally get the attention that I want (and think I need) but I have something she doesn't have. I've been 'tested,' and anyone with a decent amount of maturity (and I'm not talking about age) knows that there's nothing quite as nice as going someplace where your comfort comes first. Your own bed, your "special" chair, those shoes that make you feel like like you're walking on air, and being fed what you like. The whole "There's No Place Like Home" feeling.

 

Know your value. I know mine.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYMscILUZAw

For My Husband Shilo

I have so much to tell you, and the words often escape me. These are things I want you to know, and I know that some of it might be painful, but you deserve to know what's in my heart and on my mind.

When I tell you "I Love you," it means that I Love and accept all of you. The good stuff, the bad stuff, and even the ugly stuff.  Right now, there's lots of bad and ugly stuff.  Because I Love all of you, it means I will stay with you no matter what.  I made a promise and a commitment to you, just like I did with Stitch.  It doesn't mean that I'll never get angry or frustrated, but it does mean that I won't desert you. Going out with friends and other people isn't deserting you. It is me taking care of myself so I have the strength to be here when it really counts. It wouldn't be fair of me to put undue pressure on you or Stitch. I need somewhere and someone I can go to talk to about what I'm feeling and and to remove some of the pressure I'm feeling. Someone who isn't involved with you. Someone to reassure me. Expressing my fears and concerns about you allows me to give you the Merry you know and and love.

I understand that you now have regrets and second thoughts concerning my relationship with "Master B." In my defense, I gave you several outs before I made my commitment to him. I asked you many times, and gave you opportunities to tell me that you didn't approve. The last thing I wanted to do was cause you pain. Even after I realized it would hurt me, I gave you an out, but you insisted that you were okay. I took you at your word. Then I made my commitment, believing that I had your approval. You know my beliefs concerning promises and commitments. I can not and will not go back on my word.

Very early on, before you got involved with me, I explained my polyamory to you.  I even explained how I feel about promises and commitment. That has not changed, and it will not change. You agreed, understanding that I promised you that I would not end things or desert you.  I have kept to that.

I was and still am physically and sexually attracted you.  I Love you, you have so many wonderful things about you, and I really couldn't imagine my life without you. I don't know how much more I can express this to you. The idea that the cancer could take you away is frightening, and my worst nightmare.

I know that it troubles you that Stitch doesn't feel threatened by "Master B" and he has been very supportive about it. I wish it was the same for you, but I can't change your mind. However, I know that you like logic and facts, so I will toss some your way. As always, I am being completely transparent.

I do not feel that "Master B"  is physically attractive. Or, at least, he isn't to me. However, he spent hours listening to me talk, and he knows exactly what pushes my "feel good" buttons. He doesn't have to even touch me to get me "there." All it takes is a few choice words said just the right way, and I am "girl goo." He also knows what things he can do to me to have an immediate effect on me. He enjoys having that power over me, and I won't lie, I like it as well. He also is a sadomasochist, so I will often Top him much to my delight.

I don't think he will ever engage in penetrative sex with me, not that it matters. He prefers the whole "tease and denial" of forced multiple orgasms. He enjoys pushing my masochistic limits more than the forced orgasms. My attachment to him is purely emotional. Yes, I Love him, but I Love him in much the same way I Loved "Daddy W."  This is not a real threat to you.

His love for me is based on his ability to please me in unconventional ways.  I don't make demands on him, nor do I argue with him. We feed each other's emotional needs. He constantly reminds me that as much as he loves me, he would never want to take me away from you. His responsibility is to his wife, and I know she is reassured by that fact.  She has said that she owes me a debt of gratitude, because I brought him back to life by being an inspiration to him.  He is no longer angry and moping.  He is pleasant to be around.

As for me, I feel he makes me more pleasant as well. I'm actually less likely to argue with you. He is a positive influence on me, and he takes me places that would be cost prohibitive for us. He is the dating version of the "Disneyland Dad." He spoils me rotten. and when I come home to you, I feel like all my burdens have been lifted. I can tell him what I'm feeling, even the horrible stuff, and he doesn't judge it.  He is my cheerleader, and he wants me to be happy.

Speaking of Disneyland, I know that my new relationship with Trish is something that might have you concerned.  I want to reassure you that she wants to be a help to me and provide emotional support. I told her very early on that her timing wasn't the best, and she understands her place in my life. I will maintain transparency with you.

This isn't everything I wanted to tell you, but it's all the words I remembered. What it boils down to is that I am your wife and I will always Love you, no matter what, and nobody can stop that.

With Love,
Your Wife Merry

No Nice Way To Say It

I know my last post (https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2019/01/something-on-my-mind.html) came across as ominous and a bit cryptic. I want to apologize if I unnerved anyone. it's been a difficult past few months full of "Hurry up and wait" combined with even more hurry up and wait, and it's not getting better anytime soon.

Long story short, my husband, Shilo, has aggressive prostate cancer. The diagnosis received this past Friday (1-25) was not a shock. Some of the other things we were told were.

Because this is supposed to be a kink blog, and because I wanted to keep things separate, please feel free to visit my other blog at:
https://alostwifesjourney.blogspot.com/

I will write updates as I get them, and try to maintain it as best as possible.  Of course, I'll be here as well when I can, but we all know that I write irregularly at best (some things never change)

I will do my best to answer any questions there, but please be aware that there is a whole lot of things we don't know until we are told.

Thank you!
Merry

Something On My Mind

Let me start off by saying that I am okay. Yes, I have had the cold from hell for nearly three weeks, but it is getting better.

However, the thought that nobody gets out of here alive has been on my mind. Mortality. Every one of us will die one day. It's unpredictable. A crapshoot. I've watched healthy people die, while their sickly counterpart lived on. It happens. I for one, never imagined that I would get old. I figured that I would die young. Yes, these days, I still feel young, but I'm still much older than I ever imagined I would be.

I will say that I am at peace with myself. I don't fear my own death. I haven't ever since that incident in December 2016.(https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2016/12/i-cant-feel-my-face-12-28-16.html) Still, I'm in no rush to leave this world. I have plenty of reasons to live, even on my crappy days. What I do fear is the death and loss of others, and how it will affect me. I guess it's a common enough worry.  I remind myself that I have made it through rough spots already, but it leaves me with little comfort.

Sometimes I fear being old and alone more than anything. Silly, I know, but if I had the choice, I would like to go with Shilo and Stitch. All three of us, gone together. Let my kids deal with it. It's the epitome of laziness. Once I'm dead, who cares if all my kinks are discovered? They know about the polyamory, so I doubt anything will shock them.

Forgiveness.  Being able to forgive yourself and others. I can do that. Forgive others. Easy. I don't hold grudges.  If someone did something that horrible, it's on them to make it right. If I forgive them, even if they never ask, it's on them to deal with the guilt. Apologizing is easy as well for me.  I prefer a clear conscience. It makes it easier on me. Forgiving myself can be difficult at times but I do it. I have so many shortcomings, so it's hard for me to deal with it at times, but I do pretty well.

I get angry and I talk about it. Again, mortality. I want to keep that clear conscience. Holding on to it only hurts me.  Strangely enough, religion has nothing to do with it. It's case of morality for me. A personal belief system.  When I apologize for a wrongdoing, it's sincere. Morality and mortality.  Both are important to me.

Chances. I want to give people a chance to make things right. It's always my hope and desire that they do so. Life is unpredictable and often too short. No matter how long we live, I'm pretty sure that we feel like we have so much more to do or say.

Sometimes I think about the movie "Forrest Gump." On recalling the death of his friend Bubba, he said "If I'd known this would be the last time we'd talk I'd have thought of something better to say." It's funny how we always focus on the last words of the deceased, when the focus should probably be the last thing we tell them. Forrest is right. If I knew someone was dying, what would I say to them? Once a person is dead, you can't ask them to forgive you, can you? Likewise, the dead person can't ask you to forgive them either. 

My poor ex-boyfriend from a year ago (https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2018/01/the-aftermath.html) has told others that I am bitter because I don't want to see him or have anything to do with him. He doesn't understand that I forgave him for his actions a long time ago, and that I don't want to see him or deal with him because it would only cause those wounds to reopen. I may be a masochist, but I'm not that type of masochist. No, I prefer to heal completely from emotional wounds.

I know I'm rambling. I needed to clear my head. So just in case this is the last time you read me, or it's the last time I write, please know that you are appreciated by me .