One Year Ago Part 2

So, I had confessed my Love to my slave Shilo. He had confessed his Love to me. We both wanted to engage in sex, but I had to obtain clearance, per my agreement with Stitch. I hadn't slept much, and I needed to drive him to work at the ungodly hour of 6, and I had gone to bed at 5. Admittedly, it wasn't my smartest move, but all I had wanted to do was be with Shilo, and, it seemed, Shilo wanted to be with me as well.

So I drove Stitch the 25 miles to work and said nothing. I drove the 25 miles back to Huntington Beach with a heavy heart because I knew I couldn’t not
say anything. It’s just that I didn’t know what to say. This was breaking all the rules I had for submissives/slaves, and even though I had fallen in Love with my collared submissive, I had never crossed into the realm of sex. Yes, I had obtained permission 15 months earlier, but it never actually happened. It isn’t that we didn’t want to, it was more that circumstances prevented us from doing so, and, at that point, our relationship was rapidly falling into ruins. I also knew that I'd be getting an 11AM call from the aforementioned submissive, and, because of our relationship rules, I'd have to discuss it with him as well.

When I got home from the drive, it was 8:30, and I could barely drag my body into bed. I woke up, on instinct, at 10:58, and I waited... and waited... my heartbeat getting ever faster with dread. I wanted Shilo, but I hated the idea of discussing it with others, of having to ask like I was a child, yet, this had been my doing, this asking, so I would stay out of trouble. Apparently, my collared submissive had overslept because the clock went past 11, past 11:15, and 11:30 and Stitch did his daily call at 11:30. I managed to get out that we needed to talk about an important matter on the way home from work, so at least he knew. I hung up the phone and waited. Finally, at noon, the phone rang, and it was the submissive. I explained the best I could, and he gave his blessings. He admitted surprise when I asked, because we were not even really attached at that point, but he understood when I explained. I laid down some more. I don't recall when I spoke to Shilo, but I told him to expect me in the morning. I knew that either way, something was going to happen, whether it was a long talk or sex, I just wasn't sure what. I know I took a nap before I left to get Stitch from work, and I remember being late because I slept too long.

As I finally drove up, Stitch was smiling, and all I could do was wonder how long that smile would last. I sighed, and unlocked the door, and he came in. Stitch is naturally bouncy and talkative, so getting him to quiet down is kind of hard. I finally reminded him that I needed to talk, and he quieted down as I explained what I was feeling, how Shilo felt, and our mutual desire for each other. I reassured him that I would never stop Loving him, and the could take time to think about it. He asked all kinds of questions, and I also reminded him that I could have just made the decision without him, and without his consent, but I felt that being honest was important. An hour after we arrived home, he told me he made his decision, and he told me he approved. 

The next day (a year from today) we began our journey. I think Shilo's version is the best, so you can find it at the link below:

 http://merryslavesdiary.blogspot.com/2013/07/july-2-c-15.html

Anyway, it was beautiful and sweet and gentle, and we've had more happy times than sad in the past year, and that's all that matters. 

I hope we have many more years of Loving each other.

One Year Ago

It's hard to believe, but exactly one year ago, in the early morning hours, Shilo and I were sitting quietly on the couch talking. We had had a really good dinner, watched "Dexter" with Stitch, and it was obvious to the two of us that there was so much more stuff going on between us that wasn't being said. Both of us are just a little socially inept, and more than a little shy, although we had been playing for a month and seen each other in various stages of undress, I had no intentions of getting romantically or sexually involved with him. I had really shut myself off to that months before when we had started talking/emailing each other because he was a smoker.

However, things were different in those early morning hours. We couldn't deny that we were getting closer, and, as much as I fought and resisted it, I could feel myself weakening under his spell. He was sweet, kindhearted, and gentle. Anytime he held me or touched me, it was like I was a fragile flower and he was a butterfly barely missing me as he flew past. He was always tentative. Those eyes... the way he looked at me when I spoke. I swear, there could be a parade passing by with a large band and he wouldn't notice, because his focus was solely on me. Even a blind person could see the Love and adoration. Well, except me. I'll explain. I was going through a rough time, and I had been so focused on my own things that I missed out on the subtle nuances that took place as he began to fall in Love with me. Fortunately, someone had pointed it out to me the week before, and I began paying attention. When I saw that look in his eyes, it melted me. How could I not Love someone who so openly adored me the way he did? That Love turned into Desire. Not like "Oh I want you to fuck me" Desire, more like "I want to please you by giving myself to you" Desire.I felt it, but I fought it. Feeling more and more in Love with him, Desiring to give myself to him, wanting to let go, but being so afraid (yes, afraid) of rejection. Logic says if someone is in Love with you, they will not reject your Love, yet that is what I dreaded, that is what I was afraid of. The more I saw the Love, the more I felt it, and wanted to just let go, and allow him to have all of me.

I admit it, I was high on Love, I was drunk with Desire, and still so afraid and too shy to say or do anything. One a.m; two a.m; three a.m; the time flew, the time stood still. At one point, I could swear I heard our hearts beating. We both spoke at once, words tumbling out at the same time. The fears and desires the same. I believe God and the Angels were our audience, and they were no doubt laughing at our silliness and awkwardness. It was meant to be, and even as we sat there holding each other after our confession, the Desire grew, and we both knew that we needed to be responsible and follow the rules and do what was right, so Shilo went home, and I thought long and hard about how to discuss all this with Stitch and my still collared submissive.

TO BE CONTINUED TOMORROW----->

Shilo, Happy Anniversary! I Love you more and more each day, each minute, each hour.

Currently (6-21-14)

I have Shilo standing in the corner. He is being punished. It's been quite some time since I actually punished him. I can't remember when it was. I'm sure he could tell you the last time. He keeps track of such things.

The difference today is that he didn't lie to me, and it has nothing to do with masturbation, or smoking, or even neglecting to do something. No, today is different. Today, for the first (and hopefully last) time, he loudly berated me in public. So loudly, in fact, that people in the grocery store turned around and looked at us. Looked at me. I did nothing. All I did was walk up to him to inform him about a sale. I speak quietly, and he is hard of hearing, so I got close to him. He yelled at me for getting so close to him, so I left. Walked out of the store. Within minutes, he was at my side, and I quietly told him why I was upset, why I walked out. I told him I didn't deserve to be publicly berated, and that he caused enough of a scene to have people stare at us.

I told him that he was not going to get away with it, and that he would be punished when we got home. Then we went back in the store to buy groceries. As we headed home, I told him that after he finished putting away groceries he was to get naked and stand in the corner. He's been there for nearly an hour now.

Did I mention that instead of going into the corner, he snuck out and drove off? He thought I wouldn't notice! I did notice he was quiet, so I figured he went into bed and mope, but, no, he ran away from home like a little boy instead of facing the consequences. I called him on the phone to find out where he was, and I emptied out our joint account online just in case he got any idea of using our money to do something stupid. I hated doing it, but if he was going to act like a child, I had no choice but to treat him like one.

About 30 minutes into him standing in the corner, I asked him why he ran away, and he explained that he was angry so he left. We discussed it a little more, and I left him in the corner. I plan on letting him out of the corner at the hour mark. I'm still not sure what to do with him. I mean, I'm not angry. I was angry when I walked out of the store, bur that anger dissipated rather quickly. Now I'm just hurt, but not even that much anymore.

Well, his time is up... I guess I'll decide soon and quickly. I'll write about it later maybe. If not, I'm sure he will.

The End of an Era

Since about December 19, 2013, I've been an in home caregiver for my Mentor. He is a double amputee, no toes on his right foot, and a below the knee amputation on his left. He wears prosthetic devices on both sides, and gets along just fine without them, but he needs someone to clean up after him, do the laundry, and also take him shopping. It was my job to do those things. I enjoyed the laundry and errand running, and even making his bed, but the other stuff rarely gave me joy. He knew that, but I never once complained.  We talked about it a few times, including a discussion on how his roommate (ex-wife from ages ago) felt jealous of our relationship. I even told him I wouldn't mind if he found someone else to do those things, and I would continue to be his "errand girl."

At the end of April, he told me he had begun his search, and, when I came back from my trip to Springfield, he told me amusing stories about the people he interviewed. He rarely discussed it after that, and I didn't really ask until about three weeks ago. He smiled and said he found a woman who was "perfect" for the job, but she wasn't ready to commit. I figured he had forgotten about her when she didn't call him back a week later. When I arrived at his house yesterday, he was still in bed, which was unusual for him. Also unusual was that he wanted to "talk to me." For the record, I missed work on Monday because child #4 was in the ER because of seizures, so I figured that he was going to ask about that. I was wrong. After much chitchat about nothing, he told me that the other woman had called back and was starting Wednesday. Wednesday? As in next week? No, Wednesday, as in tomorrow (today/this) morning. I was floored, but kept it together. I told him I was going to miss seeing him so often and he agreed. Then he had me take him to the 99 cent only store and bought me candy, anfd then bought me lubch at Jack-in-the-Box. I think he felt guilty, and this was his way of trying to make it up to me. When we returned, his roommate was up and all smiles. I smiled back, put away the stuff he bought, and said goodbye.

It's important to note that I didn't whine, cry, or complain. I took it, with my head up, my eyes clear and I kept smiling. Well, as I drove home, the reality hit: I no longer have a job. No reason to get up in the morning, nothing to keep me going. No money to pay my bills. I'm in a world of shit! I really don't know what I'm going to do, and I'm sad. Not depressed sad. Just sad, as in unhappy. My thoughts go to "What am I gonna do now?"  I guess I'll need Shilo to give me direction, make up a "to do" list and hand it to me. I'm really in no shape to look for another job.  I mean, I gave up my nursing license, and being a caregiver is all I know. I haven't been gainfully employed since October 2001 (or was it 2000? I can't even remember now) Either way, I'm not even equipped to work a full-time job, and even part-time is doubtful. No employer will accept someone who can only work 5 hour days three days a week, and routinely calls off sick at the last minute at least once a month.  It's only worse when the SAD kicks in. Okay, maybe I'm obsessing a bit too much, but this is how my mind is processing it.

So, what did I do this morning? I woke up when Stitch woke up (5AM) and laid awake till 8:30, fell asleep until after Shilo got home (10:15?), and then ate and went back to bed with him. When I woke up in the afternoon, I took care of some things that had me bothered, including an accidental deletion of an account that I'd had since November. Fortunately, I had saved my writings, so I copied and pasted them into my new account. Then I started writing this, and had many interruptions, so it's been nearly 2 hours since I started. I guess I'm finished now. PUBLISH!

It's True....

I should be asleep, but this is important! You see, in spite of all the pain, anguish, and, yes, even the horrible depression Shilo and I have been going through, I feel it's importnt to remind my/our readers that we Love each other, and while I will feel like it's all falling apart, and it looks that way on all sides, it really isn't. We have a solid friendship besides our Love for each other. I frequently say that Shilo is an answer to prayers, and he is.

Stitch frequently mentions how alike Shilo and I appear to be. How we both tend to think and feel the same way, and how Shilo has brought out the best in me. He has, but he also will sometimes bring out the worst in me. Another thing; when Shilo and I are arguing, it gets very quiet. We speak in hushed tones. Oftentimes, it's not until an argument is over that others in the household even realize that there had been an argument.

We can also be polar opposites. That's a good thing, because we all need the occasional opposing view. He keeps a cool head when I need it, and I do the same for him. We both have social anxiety and panic attacks, but different triggers, so one is always able to help the other.

Shilo is very kind and patient and loving. He can be very sweet and affectionate when the mood hits him. He Loves me, and he Loves Sunshine. Sunshine adores him. The day we got married, Sunshine was told in no uncertain terms that she was not to come out during the ceremony. She was an obedient child, and did as she was told, but, after the ceremony was over, and the photographer was taking pictures, Sunshine came out. Our favorite wedding picture, the one that was added with the Wedding Chapel certificate in a special folder, is of Sunshine looking up at Shilo and just beaming with joy and adoration and Love. No doubt you've heard the saying that a picture paints a thousand words. That one tells so much more.

Our Best Man and Maid of Honor know about Sunshine, and when they saw the picture, they mentioned that "she" looked so happy.  Yes, I was happy, I am happy, but Sunshine's happiness is very important as well. When she decides she doesn't like something or someone, there can be hell to pay, so her happiness is a priority over mine. Not that I'd tell her that....

Anyway, bedtime for me! OAO!

And Now....

A musical interlude while I gather myself.

Discouraged

I'm not sure how to feel and what to think right now.

Somehow, I'm beginning to realize more and more that maybe I'm too trusting. Love is, without a doubt, blinding. You don't notice stuff that bothers you, and, when you do, you will readily accept the begging for forgiveness, or you'll even overlook all of it. You believe the lies they tell you, and, worse, you lie to yourself.

Long ago, I told him, well, actually warned him, that I have a way of "knowing" things. I look at him, confront him, and he denies it I confront him again, he denies it again, over and over and over. I know that I'm right, that he is lying to me, but after repeated denials, I accept that I must certainly be wrong, that he would never lie to me, and that he is all sweetness and goodness. I keep my accusations to myself, and then, finally, when it’s all done, he confesses that he’s been lying to me about (insert habit here). I ask him why, and he gives me (what I think is) a flimsy excuse. “I’m addicted to the nicotine”, or “I was too embarrassed to tell you” or something else. Honestly, the excuses are a waste of time. What I really want is the truth the first time. Admit it, tell me I’m right, and then we can talk about it. Lying to me only destroys our relationship, tears at our foundation.

STOP IT NOW!

I’m tired of it. The excuses don’t matter. Honestly, I just want to start over, because it’s obvious to me that only one of us is doing the work in this. No, I’m not saying he isn’t working. He does work, very hard, in fact, but he’s not working on being honest, on being transparent. I look back on all I did to try to help him, to assist him and encourage him to do what’s right for him, but I feel I’ve wasted my time and his also.

We spent hours talking on the phone, talking online, and face to face. We poured ourselves out to each other. I did with him what I’ve done to other submissives in the past. I asked him a question: “Shilo, what things are holding you back, what things are in your life that are destroying you?” Now, the previous wasn’t an exact quote, but you get the idea. He told me of two things: his masturbation and his smoking. I told him I would gladly help him with it, and I did. I gave him goals and positive reinforcement. I praised him, rewarded him, even changed my ways of doing things so that it would help him. I didn’t do it for my glory, I did it because, well, because I care about him, I Love him with all my heart, and he was so very unhappy, and I wanted to see him happy.

All I asked for in return was that he keep up his end of it and tell me when he was struggling. I wouldn’t judge him. I’ve caught him doing these two things several times since he supposedly quit. Something I think he doesn’t “get” is that I’m not angry. No, I’m just disappointed. It’s not even because he’s doing those things. It’s because he lies about it. He lied about it to me. I just don’t know what to do about it.

I want the lies to stop. I need someone who is trustworthy. How many more times and ways will he violate my trust in him? Okay, so maybe it wasn’t a major violation, but it is a repeated violation. I can’t seem to get it through to him why it bothers me, and I feel if he really cared about it, he’d be honest with me.

It leaves me asking myself what’s wrong with me? What am I doing wrong? Oh, there are other questions too, ones I’d rather not verbalize. It all just points at my faults and failures. All I want, all I desire is honesty. That, and a good night’s sleep.

Today

About a week ago, I special ordered a new collar for Shilo because his had broken (See previous post) Anyway, there have been problems in the BDSM aspect of our relationship, and I said that I felt that due to his actions (inactions also) Shilo was not worthy of wearing my collar. He understood and agreed.

Well, his new collar that I ordered arrived in the mail today. I decided to give him some incentive and show him the collar I ordered. I allowed him to open it and look, and then I took it back from him, and told him that when he is ready, he may have his new collar. I carefully re-wrapped the collar and put it away in a safe place.

You see, I want him to want it, to desire it, but also to know that he is forever in my heart. Now the only thing holding him back from the collar, is himself. Not me. Him. He already knows what needs to be done to receive the collar, so now I must wait.

Shilo, my collar for you is waiting until you are ready. I Love you!

Recent Occurrence

The chain of Shilo's collar broke right about the time things got crazy in our relationship almost two weeks ago. I told him not to worry about it, knowing that our BDSM relationship has gone out the window as of late, and, while our marriage is doing okay, he's not really been where he should be otherwise. He insisted on putting the tags on another chain, which somehow broke yesterday. The tags have gone missing. In the meantime, tomorrow is one year since the very first time we played together in a dungeon. It's pretty special.

About the collar: I'm upset at the poor quality of it, and I can guarantee I'll never buy anything wearable from there again. As for the disappearance, I feel that everything happens for a reason, and, while I truly Love Shilo, I don't feel he's been acting worthy of the collar. I know he will get momentarily upset by this, but then his cool logic will set in, and he will agree with my assessment. This brings me to something else: Do I feel that the BDSM aspect of our relationship is over? The short answer is "No." The long answer is "HELL NO!" because we both have that desire deep inside of us,  and to cut it out of our lives completely for any length of time would be foolish. I think of this time as a time of reflection, to regroup, and to renegotiate our BDSM relationship. In the meantime, I still have his play collar available if we decide to play. The 15th will mark the one year anniversary since our first contract, so maybe by then we will have made some decisions about what we will do, and where we are going.

In the meantime, I hope Shilo uses this time to think about his desires regarding the BDSM aspect of our relationship, and we can both use our "off time" to improve other aspects of our relationship that need some attention.

Just Around The Corner

Shilo has been battling his fears and depression quite a bit lately. Or, rather, he has given in and surrendered to it. The reasons for the depression are valid, and though I dislike it when he gets like this, I understand why he feels so helpless and hopeless. Him being like this also leaves me feeling helpless and hopeless because he shuts down and shuts me out. Fortunately, he is cooperative on one thing. He will talk to me about what is bothering him, and even though he refuses any BDSM activity and doesn't want sex, he will usually respond to my request to come to me for our morning talk. Keeping in mind that he is bigger and stronger than me, it's nice that he willingly cooperates, because there is no way I could force him to do anything.

Shilo and I started out in my typical BDSM mode: No sexual activity, period! He was in self-imposed chastity and considered himself to be asexual, so I was perfectly happy. When we fell in Love, it was (thankfully) mutual, and our sexual desires for one another was equally mutual. There was never any coercion on either part, and it quickly became apparent that we both enjoyed the activity with each other. Sex is the one aspect where I prefer not to be the sole initiator and I enjoy being the one who is wooed and pursued. Yes, I will sometimes initiate sex, but it's not my preference. I rarely refuse sex with Shilo because it is so pleasurable. I am his cock slut and fuck whore (my words, not his) and I am a Tigress, biting, scratching, and growling the whole time.

Going back to Shilo's mood: I will not initiate sex when he is in one of his moods, and he will not initiate sex either. This leaves me all the more depressed and anxious and needy for emotional support, and it's one of those things that Shilo is unable to provide. I become weepy, he gets more withdrawn. I tend to use sex with Shilo as a "temperature gauge" of our relationship with each other. If we are having problems in our BDSM relationship, but we are still having sex, I see it as a positive thing, and I feel that everything will work out between us. It's a way of communicating without using words, and, unlike most other men, Shilo will not have sex just because it's available. He'd rather be locked in chastity than have sex when he's angry or upset.

I wrote all the above to say this: It looks like a reprieve is just around the corner, because he actually initiated sex on Wednesday morning. It was not forced or fake, and he was enjoying it. Me? Well, I was pretty happy too. I told him earlier that I wanted my husband back, and it looks like he's on his way. Are things better or improved? It's too soon to say, but I see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Just A Thought (For Shilo)

Before I fall asleep.

Shilo, I know things aren't how you would like them to be right now, and I realize that you've given me control over the last thing you ever wanted to hand over, but I will do my best to show you that I am responsible and I am trustworthy. Think of this as a part of our FL/DD relationship.

Remember, Shilo, Always Follow Your Dreams. Now I will go to bed.

"Can I Tell You A Secret?"

The above, or some other similar version is something Sunshine frequently tells Shilo when she is "out." During those times, she will put me "deep" so I can't hear, and she will tell him something I usually don't want him to know. Naturally, in the interest of our relationship, and my requirement for his transparency, he will (eventually) tell me what he knows. Today, however, I'm revealing a secret of sorts. Ready?

I write. In fact, I write quite a bit, and more often than he even knows. While I don't have daily entries like I require of him, I do write about once a week, sometimes more often. So... where are these things I write, anyway? They aren't being published here, nor are they even online. Most of them are partially written, and they're in my Documents folder. I start writing, get interrupted, or maybe there's a (*)squirrel and I get distracted enough that I never really get back to it. Either way, it remains partially written, and I rarely or never get back to it. (*)Squirrels are everywhere, so I need to be careful.

Maybe I'll get back to those partially written stories and anecdotes and finish them and publish them. Then, again, maybe not. I write to unclutter my brain, so once I've written, whether or not I've published, my head is clear, so it doesn't seem to matter as much.

That's the secret for this time. There may or may not be more.



(*)A squirrel is something that will immediately take my attention from whatever it is I am or should be doing. It could be a phone call, or maybe an attractive person walking down the street when I'm driving, Either way, I get so focused on the squirrel, that I completely forget the original task I was doing.

On Chastity And Shilo

I don't write about it nearly as much as Shilo does, but part of our agreement early on, was that he would be locked in a chastity device on a regular basis. Let's stop at this while I attempt to explain my/our reasons:

Why Merry Locks Shilo In Chastity

1. To Prevent Masturbation: When I first started out with Shilo, he masturbated chronically, as in almost all day every day (his description, not mine) This disturbed him enough that he would go into self-imposed chastity on a regular basis.

2. It's A Fetish: There's something about"Doing Everything But" that I can't quite explain: It's the classic making out like a pair of teenagers, wanting to have sex so badly you can taste it, but knowing you can't go any further because he's locked up.

3. Tupperware: Tupperware? It "locks in" freshness. His penis is no longer his. It's mine. When I go away on overnight (or longer) trips without him, I lock him up to keep my penis "fresh" AKA: Ready for me and my uses.The penis locked up the cage is mine, and is to be used for my pleasure only. I don't want any man or woman to get the idea that they can touch it or play with it. It's like a huge "No Trespassing" sign.

4. It Keeps Others At Bay: If you were to go to a party and saw someone shackled, I'm sure you wouldn't try to make casual conversation with them, would you? Even if you did, it's doubtful you would take that person home with you, or anywhere else, for that matter, without finding out why the person was shackled. It's the same for me. He is locked in chastity, so you know that his penis is off limits for you.

Disclaimers

 

1.Keep in mind that this is my relationship with Shilo. Personally, I really don't care about masturbation, and I've been known to encourage it more often than not with others in the past.

2. Again, this is my opinion. Shilo's fetish regarding this is very different than mine. Let me also note that, yes, I have the key, the removal device for his chastity lock, but I will often choose not to use it.

3. Let me say here that I trust Shilo not to stray. He doesn't need it on to ensure that he remains faithful to me, but it goes back to reason #1. No masturbation, but it also goes to reason #4.

4. Not everyone is respectful of limits. Because I know that, I have Shilo locked when he goes to events without me or I'm away. I trust Shilo, but I can't necessarily trust others. Having him locked prevents that worry, at least a little bit. Yes, there are ways around chastity devices, but, honestly, why go through the trouble when you can always finfd someone else?

Shilo's Reasons

Let me add here that Shilo's reasons, while they might be similar to mine, they aren't the same. He has a laundry list of reasons that are different than mine, and you can look at his many blogs or just ask him yourself. He's usually more than happy to explain.

Finally, something to note:

Polyamory And Chastity: Not Necessarily Cuckolding!

I am polyamorous. The quick and dirty version is that I have many loves, or, more than one person I Love. I am not monogamous. I've been with Stitch for 10 years, I've only known of Shilo for a little over a year, and I married him 8 months ago, so Shilo is the "new" relationship here. Therefore, even though I have Shilo locked up, and I am having sex with Stitch or meeting with other men or women, I am not cuckolding him or cheating on him. He wouldn't even have the right to complain or say it, because from the very beginning, even BEFORE we even had our first play experience in a dungeon, I told him about Stitch and polyamory.

I know that there are some who would argue, use semantics, etc; but it won't work in this case. Shilo is not a cuckold. Never has been, never wil.

Why This Came Up

Shilo and I discussed his chastity and chastity devices last night, and I will be placing him in a device very soon. Unfortunately, because of my metal allergies, he will need to get (yet another) device, so if I choose to unlock him for sex, he will not need to make me wait while he prepares himself by preparing his penis and removing the microscopic metal flakes that cause my body to swell... Now, off to start my day!