For the past few months, my FIL has been sending out email "blasts" to everyone in his address book about my MIL. I understand the need to do so, and it never bothered me. In fact, the only thing that bothered me was the people who clicked on "Respond to all" vs. "Respond." Mostly because I really don't want to read what others had to say.
So, as anyone reading this knows, my FIL called Shilo on Sunday morning to tell him my MIL had died. Monday morning, we received an email blast about a 'Celebration of life' on Friday. I mentioned this to Shilo, and he stated that he thought there was going to be a funeral on Oklahoma, so I had no reason to be concerned. (Okay dear, whatever you say...) So, late Monday afternoon, as Shilo was preparing for work, my FIL called him and asked if he received the email. (Why, yes I did... why?) It turns out that this is it, there will be no funeral on Oklahoma. Shilo stated of course he would be there, but he wanted (needed) me with him. I will stop here and say that if my FIL had died, my MIL would have (naturally) insisted that I come with Shilo, and wouldn't have had a second thought about paying for me. I do understand my FIL's distress, however, I was shocked when he told Shilo that he couldn't afford for me to come, in spite of Shilo stating how I felt she was a second mother to me because I was still mourning my mother when we met. I was very hurt by his refusal, but I did my best to understand. Then there was the scramble for us to get enough money for me to go, ending with the bank's refusal to raise my credit so I could buy a roundtrip ticket. It was just too much for me to handle. I was a sobbing mess. I just couldn't handle the thought of Shilo doing this on his own, and we all need someone when a parent dies, and I'm his someone.
I went in the bedroom crying, and Shilo woke up to the sound of me sobbing, as I told him I did everything I could, but it wasn't good enough. Somehow, he has enough peace of mind to tell me that he'd figure out a way. After looking at my available credit, and Stitch's available credit, Shilo suggested that I buy a one way ticket there using my credit card, and a one way ticket back using Stitch's credit card. It worked! I almost cried again. Yes, my emotions are a bit unstable right now. I'm embarrassed to say that I told my therapist on the phone Monday that I was "okay." But, really, I was at that time. It wasn't until all the other stuff happened that I fell apart. Anyway, Shilo called his dad and told him I was coming too. I'm honestly not sure if I'm welcome, but I'm going because my husband needs me, and that's all that matters.
With this resolved, today was Shilo's appointment with the GI Specialist ($60 OUCH!) He will FINALLY get the the necessary tests done, so I'm happy. I really do feel like a heavy weight was lifted off my shoulders. Also, on the way to the appointment, Shilo got a text from his boss that made me cry again. His boss arranged for a limo to not only take us to the airport in the morning, but also for a pickup on Saturday. I was really touched by that gesture. God knows how many more times I'll be crying over the next few days, but I'm crying again just by writing about it. So, pickup is 4AM, and I'm not sure if I'll stay up all night or get a few hour's sleep.
I will say that Shilo is still (understandably) stressed out over the whole situation, and he's grouchy, but who can blame him? I'm just taking things minute by minute now. I still have errands to run, so signing off now.
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
Sunday, July 19, 2015
Reality (incomplete Post)
I wrote this after midnight, and I know I'll never complete it because of everything else that went on since I started writing this piece.I'm leaving this for Shilo at his request.
Whenever I take the time to write here, I realize I'm subject to public scrutiny. I know I have people from around the world that read what I write, and they also read what Shilo writes. About 24 hours ago, Shilo wrote some opinions on his blog that I felt were controversial. I read it just as I was preparing for bed, and rather than write a drawn out response to those things, I made a rather quick reply to other things, choosing instead to write a piece on my blog after waking up and before leaving on church business that I knew would have me gone all day. I left home about 9:45 in the morning, and got home at about 10:30 at night. It was a LONG day, and now I'm so wired I can't sleep. It sucks!
Shilo will often act and not think about long-term consequences of his actions. I wouldn't say he's bad-tempered, but he can be fiery and his opinions are strong. He's stubborn, self-willed, opinionated, passive-aggressive and sweet. Every two weeks, we have a quiet argument where I swear that one day soon the two of us will just walk out on each other in disgust until we really come to our senses and run back into each others arms. Think what you want, but understand that our Love for each other is very strong.I'm not giving up that easily, and neither is he. He's stubborn, remember? Well, so am I.
And that's where I stopped. I decided to go to bed and check out his entry for replies, which ended up with us having a misunderstanding in the comments section. Which brought us to this morning where we finally somewhat got clear on things, and as he prepared to actually get sleep, I briefly walked out of the room to talk to Stitch, which is when Shilo's dad called to tell him his mom had died. What a fucked up Sunday we've had! Suddenly, our petty misunderstanding isn't so important anymore. What really matters is our Love for each other. And that is always the only really important thing. Because we have each other, and we are committed to each other. Tell your significant other how much you care, how important they are. Don't allow misunderstandings to cripple your relationships. Will we have another misunderstanding? I have no doubt we will, but I also know we will work hard to resolve it, because that's how we are.
Sincerely,
Merry
Whenever I take the time to write here, I realize I'm subject to public scrutiny. I know I have people from around the world that read what I write, and they also read what Shilo writes. About 24 hours ago, Shilo wrote some opinions on his blog that I felt were controversial. I read it just as I was preparing for bed, and rather than write a drawn out response to those things, I made a rather quick reply to other things, choosing instead to write a piece on my blog after waking up and before leaving on church business that I knew would have me gone all day. I left home about 9:45 in the morning, and got home at about 10:30 at night. It was a LONG day, and now I'm so wired I can't sleep. It sucks!
Shilo will often act and not think about long-term consequences of his actions. I wouldn't say he's bad-tempered, but he can be fiery and his opinions are strong. He's stubborn, self-willed, opinionated, passive-aggressive and sweet. Every two weeks, we have a quiet argument where I swear that one day soon the two of us will just walk out on each other in disgust until we really come to our senses and run back into each others arms. Think what you want, but understand that our Love for each other is very strong.I'm not giving up that easily, and neither is he. He's stubborn, remember? Well, so am I.
And that's where I stopped. I decided to go to bed and check out his entry for replies, which ended up with us having a misunderstanding in the comments section. Which brought us to this morning where we finally somewhat got clear on things, and as he prepared to actually get sleep, I briefly walked out of the room to talk to Stitch, which is when Shilo's dad called to tell him his mom had died. What a fucked up Sunday we've had! Suddenly, our petty misunderstanding isn't so important anymore. What really matters is our Love for each other. And that is always the only really important thing. Because we have each other, and we are committed to each other. Tell your significant other how much you care, how important they are. Don't allow misunderstandings to cripple your relationships. Will we have another misunderstanding? I have no doubt we will, but I also know we will work hard to resolve it, because that's how we are.
Sincerely,
Merry
Just a Sad Day
I'm feeling numb right now. I started this whole journey in March by crying. I've cried off and on about this, so I can't really cry a anymore.
My MIL died this morning of metastatic brain cancer. As much as it was expected, it still hit us hard. Still, I'm so grateful for the time I had with her. She loved and accepted me and spoiled me rotten when we were together. She came at a time when I was still dealing with the death of my own mother, and she eased the pain. I truly feel blessed that I had someone as kind and wonderful as her in my life.
She deserves so much more than a blip on the screen, but it's all I can do right now.
My MIL died this morning of metastatic brain cancer. As much as it was expected, it still hit us hard. Still, I'm so grateful for the time I had with her. She loved and accepted me and spoiled me rotten when we were together. She came at a time when I was still dealing with the death of my own mother, and she eased the pain. I truly feel blessed that I had someone as kind and wonderful as her in my life.
She deserves so much more than a blip on the screen, but it's all I can do right now.
Saturday, July 18, 2015
Shilo
This is written to give him a "heads up," but I'm sure that it might be entertaining for others as well...
Over the past few days, Shilo and I have been discussing BDSM structures, Female Led Domestic Discipline, Relationships, polyamory, and whole bunch of other things. All of them are heavy-duty, and they all relate directly to us, our marriage, our relationship, and our Household. Some things, Shilo has even dared to write in his journal, and a few of his opinions expressed are quite controversial. Still, those are his opinions, and he's allowed to express them. I know he wrote some things to elicit a response from me, and instead, I chose not to respond to those remarks. He wrote some things he feels about our relationship and how he views them. How a person views something and how they are can be two different things. I'm neither agreeing or disagreeing with those things at this point. I'm just putting it out there that I read it and took it all in.
So, what does this really mean? It means that I may or may not agree with his stated opinions, depending on what they are. What he wrote about his views on our relationship has some similarities to how it is for us as I see it, but, again, not all. I will say that his health issues have caused a 'shift' in our relationship, and if you add the fiasco about Sherman to it, you can say that the past 13 or so months have had a HUGE effect on where we are now at this moment. While there have been negative effects, there also have been positive, and the positive outweighs the negative. We're exploring, and with our explorations, we've learned new truths about ourselves and each other. We've broken down much of the "smoke and mirrors" and see some things clearly. Both of us have become strengthened and hurt by these revelations.
What's important to know is that at the end of the day, this all relates to us. My relationship with Shilo. It has almost no effect on how I am with others. the give and take part is different, but it doesn't make me any less Merry, and it doesn't make him any less Shilo. How we relate and react to each other, not the outside world.
So is there "smoke and mirrors" to others? Do we hide behind a veil? I think all couples do. I mean, how or why we do things isn't always for public consumption. The important thing for you to know is that the spankings and discipline are very real. I am turning his ass that lovely color. The corner time is real. I really do make him sing "Twinkle, twinkle little bat." My laughter is real. I enjoy all this. I am a Sadist, he is a masochist. We enjoy each other. We Love each other. The chastity is real. He does wear those devices for up to a week or more. The devotion we have to each other is real.
Will I address these things further? Will I give a heartfelt response with my feeling bared for all to see? That's yet to be determined.... But for now...
Merry
Over the past few days, Shilo and I have been discussing BDSM structures, Female Led Domestic Discipline, Relationships, polyamory, and whole bunch of other things. All of them are heavy-duty, and they all relate directly to us, our marriage, our relationship, and our Household. Some things, Shilo has even dared to write in his journal, and a few of his opinions expressed are quite controversial. Still, those are his opinions, and he's allowed to express them. I know he wrote some things to elicit a response from me, and instead, I chose not to respond to those remarks. He wrote some things he feels about our relationship and how he views them. How a person views something and how they are can be two different things. I'm neither agreeing or disagreeing with those things at this point. I'm just putting it out there that I read it and took it all in.
So, what does this really mean? It means that I may or may not agree with his stated opinions, depending on what they are. What he wrote about his views on our relationship has some similarities to how it is for us as I see it, but, again, not all. I will say that his health issues have caused a 'shift' in our relationship, and if you add the fiasco about Sherman to it, you can say that the past 13 or so months have had a HUGE effect on where we are now at this moment. While there have been negative effects, there also have been positive, and the positive outweighs the negative. We're exploring, and with our explorations, we've learned new truths about ourselves and each other. We've broken down much of the "smoke and mirrors" and see some things clearly. Both of us have become strengthened and hurt by these revelations.
What's important to know is that at the end of the day, this all relates to us. My relationship with Shilo. It has almost no effect on how I am with others. the give and take part is different, but it doesn't make me any less Merry, and it doesn't make him any less Shilo. How we relate and react to each other, not the outside world.
So is there "smoke and mirrors" to others? Do we hide behind a veil? I think all couples do. I mean, how or why we do things isn't always for public consumption. The important thing for you to know is that the spankings and discipline are very real. I am turning his ass that lovely color. The corner time is real. I really do make him sing "Twinkle, twinkle little bat." My laughter is real. I enjoy all this. I am a Sadist, he is a masochist. We enjoy each other. We Love each other. The chastity is real. He does wear those devices for up to a week or more. The devotion we have to each other is real.
Will I address these things further? Will I give a heartfelt response with my feeling bared for all to see? That's yet to be determined.... But for now...
I heard you Shilo. I Love you Shilo.
Please allow me the time to take it all in.Merry
Saturday, July 11, 2015
Tiny Update AKA: How I Know I'm Cared For
My MIL is not well. She hasn't been for several months, so it was no surprise that Shilo received a phone call Tuesday night (7-7) telling him that his father agreed to put her in a hospice facility. It was a bit of a surprise that my FIL called Shilo Wednesday morning and asked him to come as soon as possible. Alone. Without me.
Don't misunderstand: I wasn't angry or hurt over the request. I know that it's cheaper for one than it is two, and he's their son. I'm just the daughter-in-law. That didn't bother me, still I was upset enough that I left and Sunshine showed up crying in frustration. According to Shilo, she said the same thing I did. (Paraphrased below)
"But since we've been together (and married) we've never been apart except for my business meetings when you couldn't go with me. You've never gone away before. It makes me sad and angry (scared is better word) because you aren't supposed to leave me."
I (we) didn't take it well, but there was no way to change the situation. Crying doesn't help either, other than letting go of the pain. I wrote about how I was feeling on my Fet blog, and made mention of Shilo leaving on my FB page. I needed to work through it, and writing is my way of working through things.
Something wonderful happened when Shilo left. I received phone calls, messages, and encouraging notes from (people I consider as) friends. Spike even called me on Friday afternoon! Spike calling might not sound like a big deal, unless you realize that he's currently dealing with his own shitstorm, and I wasn't expecting to hear from him until sometime in early August. (yes, he's THAT busy!) The emotional support I received warmed my heart, and kept me calm, because I realized I do have people I can talk to and cry with. I also reminded myself that this was temporary, and that, barring any emergencies or acts of God, Shilo would be back in a few days at the most.
Today is the day! He should be landing at LAX in about 8 hours. I'll admit, I have had a few nightmares, but they weren't so bad that I woke up screaming or afraid, and tonight I'll be sleeping safely in his arms.
I'm kind of proud of myself for not having any huge meltdowns during his absence, not that I want him to go away without me, but it looks like I can handle it after all.
Don't misunderstand: I wasn't angry or hurt over the request. I know that it's cheaper for one than it is two, and he's their son. I'm just the daughter-in-law. That didn't bother me, still I was upset enough that I left and Sunshine showed up crying in frustration. According to Shilo, she said the same thing I did. (Paraphrased below)
"But since we've been together (and married) we've never been apart except for my business meetings when you couldn't go with me. You've never gone away before. It makes me sad and angry (scared is better word) because you aren't supposed to leave me."
I (we) didn't take it well, but there was no way to change the situation. Crying doesn't help either, other than letting go of the pain. I wrote about how I was feeling on my Fet blog, and made mention of Shilo leaving on my FB page. I needed to work through it, and writing is my way of working through things.
Something wonderful happened when Shilo left. I received phone calls, messages, and encouraging notes from (people I consider as) friends. Spike even called me on Friday afternoon! Spike calling might not sound like a big deal, unless you realize that he's currently dealing with his own shitstorm, and I wasn't expecting to hear from him until sometime in early August. (yes, he's THAT busy!) The emotional support I received warmed my heart, and kept me calm, because I realized I do have people I can talk to and cry with. I also reminded myself that this was temporary, and that, barring any emergencies or acts of God, Shilo would be back in a few days at the most.
Today is the day! He should be landing at LAX in about 8 hours. I'll admit, I have had a few nightmares, but they weren't so bad that I woke up screaming or afraid, and tonight I'll be sleeping safely in his arms.
I'm kind of proud of myself for not having any huge meltdowns during his absence, not that I want him to go away without me, but it looks like I can handle it after all.
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
Why I Don't Approach Men On CM or OKC
I belong to both Collarspace (formerly CollarMe) and OKCupid.
I've noticed that available women are rare on both sites, or at least
women who really are women. I'm not exactly sure on the ratio, but I
will say that there is no lack of male attention, whether or not the
woman has a profile picture.
So, as I said above, I don't approach men because, while I'm acquainted with rejection, I don’t want to be the instigator. Let the man show interest in me. Let him prove to me that he has things in common and is intelligent, or he can at least make a sentence with words and punctuation. The rest is easy. A face to face so I can decide if he is as he presented himself, and I enjoy his company. Picking up on the subtleties of speech, detecting the odor of cigarettes, too much cologne, or alcohol, and various other things allows me to make a decision about a man. In fact, within the first 10 minutes of meeting someone, I already know if I want to see them again. Predicting their impression isn’t so easy, but usually the attraction or the lack thereof is mutual. Since I don't pretend that I'm interested when I'm not, it's easy. I am who I am, and I'm not for everyone, and I tell people that before I meet them.
My typical interaction goes like this:
Him: Hi! My name is Average Joe and I read your profile. I was surprised by all we have in common. I enjoy using unnecessary superlatives too! My hobbies are basket-weaving and sleeping in front of the TV with sports playing at full blast. My favorite music is disco, and I'm a great dancer, I won a prize in third grade. Would you please take the time to read my most excellent profile and let me know if you're interested?
Me: Hello Joe!
I read your profile, and it appears we do have lots in common. It amazes me how your profile appears to be custom written for me. How do you feel about bats in your cave?
Him: I prefer to let my bats hang, cause they’re so very happy in there. I was wondering, when could we meet? I'm so excited about taking you dancing and I’m just thrilled that we can weave baskets together!
Me: (already beginning to question myself) How about Friday at noon? We can meet at Mickey D's on Main Street.
Him: I'm so excited and super impressed that you want to meet me, Also, I was wondering if you could send me a picture of you because your description and picture on your profile isn't nearly good enough.
Me: (sighs internally) Sure, nothing would give me greater joy than have you build me up, and then criticize my crooked nose and huge feet.
Him: I can't wait! Even though I'm a 4, I just know you'll be an 11 ¾!
Me: Here are some recent pictures I painstakingly picked out because it shows me with my dog, and this other one because my eyes are so pretty.
Him: uhmm... well... you're not even a 10, you're a 6 at best, and in spite of the fact that appearance-wise I'm a 4, I expect to only be seem with a 10. I don't care that we share these interests and might be compatible in all these other areas because you must be be-yoo-tee-full !
Me: It figures...
Honestly, I'm okay with being a 5 appearance-wise. I rate higher in areas that I feel are of greater importance, so I really don't worry. Only I wish that people were a bit more honest about things. For example, if you want a Barbie doll, say it! But say it on your profile so I can ignore you.
/END RANT
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
Calming effect
The simplest things can have a calming effect on me, A hug, a smile, a well-timed phone call, a spanking... As introverted and antisocial as I am, I still need those 'strokes' to get me out of myself. I will often let tiny things take over and destroy me. Yeah, it's personal.
I dissect things constantly. It's my nature to do so. I want to see what's inside of things, especially me. I carefully dissect others, and work hard to put things back exactly as I found them. With myself, I rip and tear with gleeful abandon, forgetting that my duty to myself is to nurture and love myself, because I'm really the only one who can 'fix' me. That last sentence was courtesy of my damned self-awareness that makes my psychiatrist/therapist so proud of me. (grumbles) Okay, so I'm careful with others, not so much with myself. I allow my worries and feelings to get the better of me. I panic, I worry, and I go into this awful feeling of self-loathing. Then I drop, and I drop hard.
I wish my understanding all this made it easier on me, but, dammit! It makes it worse. I have miserable, stupid pity parties that manage to confuse everyone around me. "Oh, is that what got you worked up? Why that's nothing!" I want to scream out loud and say "Sure! To you it's nothing, to me, its a fucking disaster!" Fortunately, I learned how to bite my tongue a long time ago. Good thing, too, or I wouldn't have any friends!
So, anyway, I spent a huge portion of my day yesterday in bed feeling sorry for myself, wondering where and how I managed to fuck things up. Yes, I always blame myself. It's just how I am. I finally wrote about it to get it out of my system, and when my head finally hit the pillow about 4 this morning, I was feeling a little better.
When I got out of bed about noon, I had even pretty much resolved that I had overreacted as usual, and that there had to be a logical explanation as to why I didn't get a response. I mean, I know Spike. He wouldn't just outright ignore a request without good reason or an explanation. Sure enough, when I checked my phone, there was a test from him saying he was fine, and he didn't receive the text I sent him on Friday. Yes, this is good and a relief, but now I'm second-guessing myself, worrying that my emotional overreaction will scare him away. Again, with the tearing myself apart!
it's not Spike's job to reassure me that I'm okay. It's my job to tell myself that this overreacting is a bit much, and I need to relax. Whatever happens, happens. It's not the end of the world. It is whatever it's meant to be, and I have to stop tearing myself apart. Life goes on. Life will go on whether or not I've fucked up, and I have to quit worrying. All worrying will do is make me miserable all over again.
So, yes, I feel better, calmer. Now I just have to relax and not worry about what might happen next.
I dissect things constantly. It's my nature to do so. I want to see what's inside of things, especially me. I carefully dissect others, and work hard to put things back exactly as I found them. With myself, I rip and tear with gleeful abandon, forgetting that my duty to myself is to nurture and love myself, because I'm really the only one who can 'fix' me. That last sentence was courtesy of my damned self-awareness that makes my psychiatrist/therapist so proud of me. (grumbles) Okay, so I'm careful with others, not so much with myself. I allow my worries and feelings to get the better of me. I panic, I worry, and I go into this awful feeling of self-loathing. Then I drop, and I drop hard.
I wish my understanding all this made it easier on me, but, dammit! It makes it worse. I have miserable, stupid pity parties that manage to confuse everyone around me. "Oh, is that what got you worked up? Why that's nothing!" I want to scream out loud and say "Sure! To you it's nothing, to me, its a fucking disaster!" Fortunately, I learned how to bite my tongue a long time ago. Good thing, too, or I wouldn't have any friends!
So, anyway, I spent a huge portion of my day yesterday in bed feeling sorry for myself, wondering where and how I managed to fuck things up. Yes, I always blame myself. It's just how I am. I finally wrote about it to get it out of my system, and when my head finally hit the pillow about 4 this morning, I was feeling a little better.
When I got out of bed about noon, I had even pretty much resolved that I had overreacted as usual, and that there had to be a logical explanation as to why I didn't get a response. I mean, I know Spike. He wouldn't just outright ignore a request without good reason or an explanation. Sure enough, when I checked my phone, there was a test from him saying he was fine, and he didn't receive the text I sent him on Friday. Yes, this is good and a relief, but now I'm second-guessing myself, worrying that my emotional overreaction will scare him away. Again, with the tearing myself apart!
it's not Spike's job to reassure me that I'm okay. It's my job to tell myself that this overreacting is a bit much, and I need to relax. Whatever happens, happens. It's not the end of the world. It is whatever it's meant to be, and I have to stop tearing myself apart. Life goes on. Life will go on whether or not I've fucked up, and I have to quit worrying. All worrying will do is make me miserable all over again.
So, yes, I feel better, calmer. Now I just have to relax and not worry about what might happen next.
Monday, June 8, 2015
What...the...FUCK???!!!
What is wrong with me???
I maintain a transparent relationship with both Stitch and Shilo. I mean, I tell them everything I do with others, (except for details concerning the other, unless they ask) my feelings, my actions. Nothing is secret, nothing is sacred. Except for maybe this time, but mostly because I'm confused about my feelings. I'm feeling awfully conflicted right now. Well, actually, maybe the past 24 hours.
I tend to 'box' things and people. Either I like or dislike people, and the ones I dislike, I either ignore or tolerate them, and I'm always on my best behavior, being nice even if it kills me inside. There are vanillas, kinksters, and acquaintances. Acquaintances are people I see on a somewhat regular basis, like my favorite checker at the grocery store or the butcher. I make no guesses as to whether they're kinky or not. As for kinky people, there are the ones that I encounter online (like Fetlife) the ones I see when I go places, the ones I play with, the ones that will approach me and ask to play with me, the ones in a relationship with me, and the one I'm dating. (yeah, I've been casually dating a sub for nearly a year now) Then there's Spike. I can't box him. I mean, I'd love to box him, but that wasn't part of our agreement. I mean, there's others like Spike, but I think that right now, Spike is what has me bothered. Let me make this clear: Spike isn't the only one who has been the source of this feeling, and it's not his fault.
I enjoy playing. I love the "high" I get after playing with someone I like. The feedback, the closeness, the whole thing. As a rule, the good feeling will often last for days, and will gradually taper off. Then there are the other ones. I feel good for a day or two, then BOOM! I feel like shit. I thought about it, and tried to figure out what the common denominator was (besides me, of course!) and I came to a conclusion. In every case where I had this horrible drop, two things happened: The first was that it was with someone I really liked. The second was that aftercare was lacking. No, not the traditional aftercare, but the day after aftercare. Usually I'll call to check in with the person I played with the next day to make sure they're okay. We talk for a minute or two, and that's it. I feel good, they feel good. In Spike's case (as well as a few others) I only had the option of texting, and the text wasn't returned. It's amazing how much that small gesture can mean.
That check-in allows me to help the person process things, and I will often use it as a way to talk about potential drop. It shows the person that I care about their feelings, and even if we never play together again, it allows for some closure. When I don't get to do the check-in, I worry about the other person. I mean, it doesn't matter if a person is brand new or has several decades worth of experience, I want to be sure I gave that person a positive experience with me. Naturally, there's been "disasters" in the dungeon, but being able to dissect it away from the dungeon helps the both of us.
So, today I felt like shit. I was in bed all day. Yes, I'll admit that I've been beating Shilo's ass the past few days and it's been fun and fulfilling, and even sexy at times, but it doesn't 'make up' for the hurt and negative feelings I'm feeling. One cannot replace the other. Believe me, I wish it did. Writing abut this helps a little, and maybe talking about it with Daddy Wayne and Shilo tomorrow will help, but time will fix this as well. My "drops" don't last forever, it just feels that way.
Now maybe I can work through all this and start healing.
I maintain a transparent relationship with both Stitch and Shilo. I mean, I tell them everything I do with others, (except for details concerning the other, unless they ask) my feelings, my actions. Nothing is secret, nothing is sacred. Except for maybe this time, but mostly because I'm confused about my feelings. I'm feeling awfully conflicted right now. Well, actually, maybe the past 24 hours.
I tend to 'box' things and people. Either I like or dislike people, and the ones I dislike, I either ignore or tolerate them, and I'm always on my best behavior, being nice even if it kills me inside. There are vanillas, kinksters, and acquaintances. Acquaintances are people I see on a somewhat regular basis, like my favorite checker at the grocery store or the butcher. I make no guesses as to whether they're kinky or not. As for kinky people, there are the ones that I encounter online (like Fetlife) the ones I see when I go places, the ones I play with, the ones that will approach me and ask to play with me, the ones in a relationship with me, and the one I'm dating. (yeah, I've been casually dating a sub for nearly a year now) Then there's Spike. I can't box him. I mean, I'd love to box him, but that wasn't part of our agreement. I mean, there's others like Spike, but I think that right now, Spike is what has me bothered. Let me make this clear: Spike isn't the only one who has been the source of this feeling, and it's not his fault.
I enjoy playing. I love the "high" I get after playing with someone I like. The feedback, the closeness, the whole thing. As a rule, the good feeling will often last for days, and will gradually taper off. Then there are the other ones. I feel good for a day or two, then BOOM! I feel like shit. I thought about it, and tried to figure out what the common denominator was (besides me, of course!) and I came to a conclusion. In every case where I had this horrible drop, two things happened: The first was that it was with someone I really liked. The second was that aftercare was lacking. No, not the traditional aftercare, but the day after aftercare. Usually I'll call to check in with the person I played with the next day to make sure they're okay. We talk for a minute or two, and that's it. I feel good, they feel good. In Spike's case (as well as a few others) I only had the option of texting, and the text wasn't returned. It's amazing how much that small gesture can mean.
That check-in allows me to help the person process things, and I will often use it as a way to talk about potential drop. It shows the person that I care about their feelings, and even if we never play together again, it allows for some closure. When I don't get to do the check-in, I worry about the other person. I mean, it doesn't matter if a person is brand new or has several decades worth of experience, I want to be sure I gave that person a positive experience with me. Naturally, there's been "disasters" in the dungeon, but being able to dissect it away from the dungeon helps the both of us.
So, today I felt like shit. I was in bed all day. Yes, I'll admit that I've been beating Shilo's ass the past few days and it's been fun and fulfilling, and even sexy at times, but it doesn't 'make up' for the hurt and negative feelings I'm feeling. One cannot replace the other. Believe me, I wish it did. Writing abut this helps a little, and maybe talking about it with Daddy Wayne and Shilo tomorrow will help, but time will fix this as well. My "drops" don't last forever, it just feels that way.
Now maybe I can work through all this and start healing.
Thursday, June 4, 2015
Spike: The Aftermath
More of the same... Not really, but let's say that there wasn't the usual awkwardness that I have had with former subs/lovers in the past. It was like all those years apart hadn't really happened. It was obvious to me that he made an effort to look good for me, Still, we were both cautious to not fall into any traps that we feared. I made a point to introduce him to Shilo, since they had obviously never met, and I directed him into Stitch's room, mostly re-purposed as a 'dungeon' the night before, with a few added touches this morning. I poured coffee and brought it to him and he drank it while we talked. We used our proper names when talking, and got caught up on medical conditions, commenting on how age and medications affected how we played with others. Not our typical conversation. No "I missed you," no "I love you's" just comments on how much some things had changed or stayed the same.
We talked back and forth for an hour, with me covering my expectations on honesty and transparency, and him acknowledging his prior reluctance to do so, and his desire to do so now, and what he was currently doing in his vanilla life. Then I smiled and told him to get undressed. I silently noticed that the visual of his naked body, while pleasing, did not elicit any involuntary reactions or feelings. For the very first time, I saw him as he was, and not as an object of my desire, sexual or otherwise.
Since I couldn't remember very much about our past, and the things that he liked, I had him stand in the corner. This is something Shilo enjoys, so I thought I'd try it. Personally, it does nothing for me. Apparently, it did nothing for him as well. After having him confess what a naughty boy he'd been, I had him climb onto the spanking bench.
Spike was among the earliest masochists that I was with. He enjoyed it hard and rough, and other than a few swats on his backside, as warm up (if you could call it that) I laid into him using medium hard strokes. OOPS! I guess that his advanced age and medications has tenderized him a little, and he asked me to stop after about 20 swats using the heavy leather tawse. While I was okay with him asking to stop, he was upset and disappointed that we couldn't continue.
I told him to get on the bed and lay down, and I could tell he wanted to argue the point, so I repeated mt request politely. Finally realizing it was a demand, he did so, and I took off my outfit, leaving my black lace panties on, and I held him and we talked some more. It felt good and right being with him like that, and we discussed the probability of him returning to play again. I guess I left enough of an impression (pun intended) that he set up a date with me in the near future, and when it was time for him to go, he got dressed, and we hugged goodbye, It was very fitting and comfortable, and I'm looking forward to seeing him again, and maybe going further into negotiations with him.
In Other News:
Shilo appears to be feeling better on his gluten-free diet, which led to Shilo asking me for a "funishment" session about an hour after Spike left. While I'm not holding my breath waiting for another session with him, it was the first time since late October that we played hard enough for me to leave marks.♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
It's Over...
Yes, it's all over, and, for the first time in a long time, I can breathe a sigh of relief, and not look over my back.
In the middle of November last year, my sister and myself applied for
co-conservatorship of Danny (AKA: Child #4) Because his father (My
ex-husband AKA: Deadbeat) was trying to make it difficult for us to
handle Danny's medical needs, going so far as to take her off of Danny's
record as a contact and telling his neurologist conflicting
information.
The piles of paperwork and repeated monthly court dates are over. Deadbeat was told at the last court date by the judge that he could not block it verbally anymore, and that he would have to fill out court papers and file it along with proof that we were unsuitable. Oh, believe me when I say that he managed to smear my name in the mud, filling the ears of anyone who would listen about my lies, laziness and neglect, and my mental health problems. What wasn't outright lies was such an exaggeration of the truth, that it necessitated me submitting copies of every court document, including police reports and a letter from my therapist stating my fitness and ability to handle Danny.
Thank God he knows nothing of my kinks or lifestyle! Oh, nevermind! He mentioned my sister's porn business too. To have our private lives opened like that was unnecessary. The mental and emotional scarring was re-opened. Also, during those 7 months of fighting, Danny was hospitalized 3 times, with a total of 15 days in the hospital. There's a reason I call his father 'Deadbeat.' Not once in all those times did he visit or contribute to hospital or medication/treatment costs. My credit is ruined, and the bills for Danny keeps rising. I will just briefly mention his lack of child support here.
Well, Deadbeat is living proof of my prior stupidity and prior decisions. But let's not dwell on the horrible past. It's not edifying and it causes me much pain. Besides, I can rejoice that this is over, and that's the important part!
Apparently, after that last court date, Deadbeat got all the paperwork and found out the filing fees and decided that he didn't have the time, patience, or money to object. He called last week to inform me that he had a change of heart. My youngest child told my sister that his dad tried to get him and his other brothers to testify against me. Even our oldest child (who all but called me a whore in my own home 2 Christmases ago) wouldn't do it, and Deadbeat realized he was fighting a losing battle.
I'm not perfect, and I'm certainly no angel, but I raised my boys the best I could with no help and was a good example for them. I guess in spite of everything, I raised them right.
So, it's over. I can finally breathe knowing that as Danny's medical and mental condition declines, my sister and I can do whatever we can to keep him happy and comfortable with no interference from his father.
The piles of paperwork and repeated monthly court dates are over. Deadbeat was told at the last court date by the judge that he could not block it verbally anymore, and that he would have to fill out court papers and file it along with proof that we were unsuitable. Oh, believe me when I say that he managed to smear my name in the mud, filling the ears of anyone who would listen about my lies, laziness and neglect, and my mental health problems. What wasn't outright lies was such an exaggeration of the truth, that it necessitated me submitting copies of every court document, including police reports and a letter from my therapist stating my fitness and ability to handle Danny.
Thank God he knows nothing of my kinks or lifestyle! Oh, nevermind! He mentioned my sister's porn business too. To have our private lives opened like that was unnecessary. The mental and emotional scarring was re-opened. Also, during those 7 months of fighting, Danny was hospitalized 3 times, with a total of 15 days in the hospital. There's a reason I call his father 'Deadbeat.' Not once in all those times did he visit or contribute to hospital or medication/treatment costs. My credit is ruined, and the bills for Danny keeps rising. I will just briefly mention his lack of child support here.
Well, Deadbeat is living proof of my prior stupidity and prior decisions. But let's not dwell on the horrible past. It's not edifying and it causes me much pain. Besides, I can rejoice that this is over, and that's the important part!
Apparently, after that last court date, Deadbeat got all the paperwork and found out the filing fees and decided that he didn't have the time, patience, or money to object. He called last week to inform me that he had a change of heart. My youngest child told my sister that his dad tried to get him and his other brothers to testify against me. Even our oldest child (who all but called me a whore in my own home 2 Christmases ago) wouldn't do it, and Deadbeat realized he was fighting a losing battle.
I'm not perfect, and I'm certainly no angel, but I raised my boys the best I could with no help and was a good example for them. I guess in spite of everything, I raised them right.
So, it's over. I can finally breathe knowing that as Danny's medical and mental condition declines, my sister and I can do whatever we can to keep him happy and comfortable with no interference from his father.
Tension
It's not necessarily a bad thing. Think of sexual tension and the warm ache you get from it.Think of the tension of waiting for a good thing to happen. The tingle of anticipation, the longing ache you get from waiting, and the inevitable pleasure you get when the time is right. The precious release that is so desired. The past few days, when other things aren't in my thoughts, that's where I am. That place between pleasure and pressure, waiting for release. Wanting it now, but with the knowledge that anything worth having is worth waiting for. That delicious ecstasy that awaits me.
Spike: I thought he was lost and long gone. Out of reach, out of sight but always on my mind. Spike, formerly known as _______, returning to me. A thought I never entertained I could laugh at the reversal of fortune, but most people wouldn't get it. The events that brought this to me are just weird.
Counting, counting. counting... and Bedtime is upon me. Sleeping, dreaming, and hoping for the best!
BUT:
I've grown up a bit, and I know there's a difference between fantasy and reality, and, yes, I've had more than my share of experiences where the reality far surpassed any fantasy in my head. Yes, I've been severely disappointed, but not that much. I also know that time and practice only makes for increasingly better experiences. I secretly hate my high hopes right now, mostly out of a fear of failure. Yeah, I hate that "F" word. Failure. A thing that is unsuccessful or disappointing. ::Deep breath:: The good thing is that that particular fear only lasts an instant. Pinning my hopes and dreams on an idea. Waiting on a pleasurable idea to come to fruition. Knowing that that particular feeling is shared with the other party makes it a little better.Spike: I thought he was lost and long gone. Out of reach, out of sight but always on my mind. Spike, formerly known as _______, returning to me. A thought I never entertained I could laugh at the reversal of fortune, but most people wouldn't get it. The events that brought this to me are just weird.
Counting, counting. counting... and Bedtime is upon me. Sleeping, dreaming, and hoping for the best!
Sunday, May 31, 2015
About My "About Me" and Consent
This was originally written for my Fetlife blog, but it bears repeating:
Somewhere near the top of my profile, in BIG RED LETTERS is the following:
IMPORTANT DISCLOSURE: I have PTSD, so if you don’t know me personally, please don’t touch me or grab at me without asking. My usual response is “attack mode,” so consider yourself warned.
I put it near the top so most people will see it. What it doesn't say, and shouldn't have to say is that I will occasionally freeze in panic with a "deer in the headlights" look.
Now, before anyone accuses me of overreacting or causing "Drama" I want to say that it's already been handled between myself and the person in question, and that hopefully, it won't ever happen again. A lesson was learned. I'm not angry at the person, he's not a "bad guy" nor is he a "predator." He is someone I respect, and, no, he's not in my circle of friends, but he is a friend of my friends.
So, with all the above, why am I even bringing this up? Well, the fact that I woke up screaming could have something to do with it. I mean, I have a choice: I could allow this to overtake me and continue with the nightmares (that occur all times of the day, including naps) and screaming, or I can write about it in an attempt to 'exorcise' the fears.
"Don't touch me or grab at me without asking." It's easy. "Merry, that's a cool tattoo and scarification." I will probably tell you that you can touch it. The scarification has interesting ridges and it feels good when it's touched. When I engage in negotiations with a sub or bottom, I ask them if there's any body part I cannot touch, and I tell them to ask my permission before handling me.
We're equals, so if we're talking, and you have a pet snake, and I say I'm afraid of your pet snake, you should say, "Don't be afraid, I'll hold it, and you can pet it." WAIT for me to say 'okay' and don't put that snake in my face. I might not react if you put that snake near me, but the chance is good that I'm frozen in fear. Don't ask me later if you violated my consent, because you know you did, and don't ask me why I didn't run away screaming or kick you or said "no". Don't blame the victim! It's your responsibility to ask and wait for permission.
And, in the future, should you unintentionally hurt me or scare me, take me in your arms and comfort me, don't just apologize and go on like nothing happened. The little girl in me (Sunshine) needs to know that she can be safe among friends in a dungeon, and, yes, he started with me, but ended with Sunshine, because she comes 'out' to 'protect' me.
FOR THE RECORD: Snakes don't frighten me, but ask permission anyway.
Saturday, May 30, 2015
What's In A Name?
I think I've explained my anomic aphasia enough times, but if you are confused, You may read about it in the following link:
http://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2014/03/im-not-stupid-nor-am-i-confused-3-6-2014.html
My anomic aphasia is the main reason I call Shilo, Shilo and Stitch, Stitch instead of using their given names. I realized a long time ago, I'm more likely to remember a name or nickname if I give it to the person.
Whenever I start a D/s relationship, I give the submissive a 'new' name, using the rules that it must start with the letter 'S' and be 4 to 6 letters long with no more than 2 syllables. I've used that rule since the early 90's before I knew what anomic aphasia was. I also never re-use names for another. So, Spot, Sparky, Spanky, (Cum)Slut, Soft (Kitty), Shilo or Stitch never need to worry I'll re-use their names for another. There have been others that I didn't use the name rule for, such as Nick-E, Mister Ed, and a few that already had a perfectly good name in place already.
So, time goes on, and people change. Many moons ago, in a previous life I was known as "Susie," but Merry and the various spellings took over in 2004 after a series of unpleasant events. I feel that as time goes by and events change us and our way of thinking, a new name might be in order, but after a long hiatus, a new name is a necessity. For instance, if Mister Ed returned, he would definitely need a new name! Even mentioning his name leaves me wondering... He's pushing 80 now, and it's been about 15 years since we last spoke. So those of you who are just dying to know who has come back into my life now know it's not him. But no more hints!
So, for the past few days, I've referred to a horse, long ago put to pasture as the Horse that needs new name. Well, after much thought, I've come up with what I consider to be the 'perfect' name for him. He will either discover it if he reads it here, or when we talk next week. Much thought went into this name, and after I present the name, I will explain why I chose it. Here goes... (are you as nervous and excited as I am?)
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I will be calling him Spike! Why Spike? Well here are a few things about the word Spike:
Spike: noun
Spike: transitive verb
to add vitality, zest, or spice to: liven (and that is my hope for him in my life)
I realize that by calling him Spike, it means I have high hopes and expectations for him and he might not live up to that transitive verb, but I've named others in hopes of their potential, and I was not disappointed. Wanting a little vitality in my life isn't too much to hope for. Understanding that he has a new vitality that he hasn't had in a long time is another reason for that name.
http://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2014/03/im-not-stupid-nor-am-i-confused-3-6-2014.html
My anomic aphasia is the main reason I call Shilo, Shilo and Stitch, Stitch instead of using their given names. I realized a long time ago, I'm more likely to remember a name or nickname if I give it to the person.
Whenever I start a D/s relationship, I give the submissive a 'new' name, using the rules that it must start with the letter 'S' and be 4 to 6 letters long with no more than 2 syllables. I've used that rule since the early 90's before I knew what anomic aphasia was. I also never re-use names for another. So, Spot, Sparky, Spanky, (Cum)Slut, Soft (Kitty), Shilo or Stitch never need to worry I'll re-use their names for another. There have been others that I didn't use the name rule for, such as Nick-E, Mister Ed, and a few that already had a perfectly good name in place already.
So, time goes on, and people change. Many moons ago, in a previous life I was known as "Susie," but Merry and the various spellings took over in 2004 after a series of unpleasant events. I feel that as time goes by and events change us and our way of thinking, a new name might be in order, but after a long hiatus, a new name is a necessity. For instance, if Mister Ed returned, he would definitely need a new name! Even mentioning his name leaves me wondering... He's pushing 80 now, and it's been about 15 years since we last spoke. So those of you who are just dying to know who has come back into my life now know it's not him. But no more hints!
So, for the past few days, I've referred to a horse, long ago put to pasture as the Horse that needs new name. Well, after much thought, I've come up with what I consider to be the 'perfect' name for him. He will either discover it if he reads it here, or when we talk next week. Much thought went into this name, and after I present the name, I will explain why I chose it. Here goes... (are you as nervous and excited as I am?)
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I will be calling him Spike! Why Spike? Well here are a few things about the word Spike:
Spike: noun
a very large nail (very fitting: He is tall and sharp)
Synonyms:
jab, pierce, spear,
impale (my heart felt all those things when I put him out to pasture)
Spike: transitive verb
to add vitality, zest, or spice to: liven (and that is my hope for him in my life)
I realize that by calling him Spike, it means I have high hopes and expectations for him and he might not live up to that transitive verb, but I've named others in hopes of their potential, and I was not disappointed. Wanting a little vitality in my life isn't too much to hope for. Understanding that he has a new vitality that he hasn't had in a long time is another reason for that name.
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