Why I Don't Approach Men On CM or OKC

I belong to both Collarspace (formerly CollarMe) and OKCupid. I've noticed that available women are rare on both sites, or at least women who really are women. I'm not exactly sure on the ratio, but I will say that there is no lack of male attention, whether or not the woman has a profile picture. 

The problem (as I see it) is that men who are 5's (on a scale of 1-10, 10 being most physically attractive) expect to be with women who are 9's or 10's. It doesn't work that way in real life, but they feel 'entitled.' In the meantime, there are women who are 5's that like men who are 4's and they're being told by the men that they aren’t attractive enough. Color me confused. I thought attraction was based on intelligence, commonalities, and that 'special something' otherwise known as pheromones. I guess I was wrong.


So, as I said above, I don't approach men because, while I'm acquainted with rejection, I don’t want to be the instigator. Let the man show interest in me. Let him prove to me that he has things in common and is intelligent, or he can at least make a sentence with words and punctuation. The rest is easy. A face to face so I can decide if he is as he presented himself, and I enjoy his company. Picking up on the subtleties of speech, detecting the odor of cigarettes, too much cologne, or alcohol, and various other things allows me to make a decision about a man. In fact, within the first 10 minutes of meeting someone, I already know if I want to see them again. Predicting their impression isn’t so easy, but usually the attraction or the lack thereof is mutual. Since I don't pretend that I'm interested when I'm not, it's easy. I am who I am, and I'm not for everyone, and I tell people that before I meet them.


My typical interaction goes like this:

Him: Hi! My name is Average Joe and I read your profile. I was surprised by all we have in common. I enjoy using unnecessary superlatives too! My hobbies are basket-weaving and sleeping in front of the TV with sports playing at full blast. My favorite music is disco, and I'm a great dancer, I won a prize in third grade. Would you please take the time to read my most excellent profile and let me know if you're interested?

Me: Hello Joe!
I read your profile, and it appears we do have lots in common. It amazes me how your profile appears to be custom written for me. How do you feel about bats in your cave?

Him: I prefer to let my bats hang, cause they’re so very happy in there. I was wondering, when could we meet? I'm so excited about taking you dancing and I’m just thrilled that we can weave baskets together!

Me: (already beginning to question myself) How about Friday at noon? We can meet at Mickey D's on Main Street.

Him: I'm so excited and super impressed that you want to meet me, Also, I was wondering if you could send me a picture of you because your description and picture on your profile isn't nearly good enough.

Me: (sighs internally) Sure, nothing would give me greater joy than have you build me up, and then criticize my crooked nose and huge feet.

Him: I can't wait! Even though I'm a 4, I just know you'll be an 11 ¾!

Me: Here are some recent pictures I painstakingly picked out because it shows me with my dog, and this other one because my eyes are so pretty.

Him: uhmm... well... you're not even a 10, you're a 6 at best, and in spite of the fact that appearance-wise I'm a 4, I expect to only be seem with a 10. I don't care that we share these interests and might be compatible in all these other areas because you must be be-yoo-tee-full !

Me: It figures...


Honestly, I'm okay with being a 5 appearance-wise. I rate higher in areas that I feel are of greater importance, so I really don't worry. Only I wish that people were a bit more honest about things. For example, if you want a Barbie doll, say it! But say it on your profile so I can ignore you.

/END RANT

Calming effect

The simplest things can have a calming effect on me, A hug, a smile, a well-timed phone call, a spanking... As introverted and antisocial as I am, I still need those 'strokes' to get me out of myself. I will often let tiny things take over and destroy me. Yeah, it's personal.

I dissect things constantly. It's my nature to do so. I want to see what's inside of things, especially me. I carefully dissect others, and work hard to put things back exactly as I found them. With myself, I rip and tear with gleeful abandon, forgetting that my duty to myself is to nurture and love myself, because I'm really the only one who can 'fix' me. That last sentence was courtesy of  my damned self-awareness that makes my psychiatrist/therapist so proud of me. (grumbles) Okay, so I'm careful with others, not so much with myself.  I allow my worries and feelings to get the better of me. I panic, I worry, and I go into this awful feeling of self-loathing. Then I drop, and I drop hard.

I wish my understanding all this made it easier on me, but, dammit! It makes it worse. I have miserable, stupid pity parties that manage to confuse everyone around me. "Oh, is that what got you worked up? Why that's nothing!" I want to scream out loud and say "Sure! To you it's nothing, to me, its a fucking disaster!" Fortunately, I learned how to bite my tongue a long time ago. Good thing, too, or I wouldn't have any friends!

So, anyway, I spent a huge portion of my day yesterday in bed feeling sorry for myself, wondering where and how I managed to fuck things up. Yes, I always blame myself. It's just how I am. I finally wrote about it to get it out of my system, and when my head finally hit the pillow about 4 this morning, I was feeling a little better.

When I got out of bed about noon, I had even pretty much resolved that I had overreacted as usual, and that there had to be a logical explanation as to why I didn't get a response.  I mean, I know Spike. He wouldn't just outright ignore a request without good reason or an explanation. Sure enough, when I checked my phone, there was a test from him saying he was fine, and he didn't receive the text I sent him on Friday. Yes, this is good and a relief, but now I'm second-guessing myself, worrying that my emotional overreaction will scare him away. Again, with the tearing myself apart!

it's not Spike's job to reassure me that I'm okay. It's my job to tell myself that this overreacting is a bit much, and I need to relax. Whatever happens, happens. It's not the end of the world. It is whatever it's meant to be, and I have to stop tearing myself apart. Life goes on. Life will go on whether or not I've fucked up, and I have to quit worrying. All worrying will do is make me miserable all over again.

So, yes, I feel better, calmer. Now I just have to relax and not worry about what might happen next.

What...the...FUCK???!!!

What is wrong with me???

I maintain a transparent relationship with both Stitch and Shilo. I mean, I tell them everything I do with others, (except for details concerning the other, unless they ask) my feelings, my actions. Nothing is secret, nothing is sacred. Except for maybe this time, but mostly because I'm confused about my feelings. I'm feeling awfully conflicted right now. Well, actually, maybe the past 24 hours.

I tend to 'box' things and people. Either I like or dislike people, and the ones I dislike, I either ignore or tolerate them, and I'm always on my best behavior, being nice even if it kills me inside. There are vanillas, kinksters, and acquaintances. Acquaintances are people I see on a somewhat regular basis, like my favorite checker at the grocery store or the butcher. I make no guesses as to whether they're kinky or not. As for kinky people, there are the ones that I encounter online (like Fetlife) the ones I see when I go places, the ones I play with, the ones that will approach me and ask to play with me, the ones in a relationship with me, and the one I'm dating. (yeah, I've been casually dating a sub for nearly a year now) Then there's Spike. I can't box him. I mean, I'd love to box him, but that wasn't part of our agreement. I mean, there's others like Spike, but I think that right now, Spike is what has me bothered. Let me make this clear: Spike isn't the only one who has been the source of this feeling, and it's not his fault.

I enjoy playing. I love the "high" I get after playing with someone I like. The feedback, the closeness, the whole thing. As a rule, the good feeling will often last for days, and will gradually taper off. Then there are the other ones. I feel good for a day or two, then BOOM! I feel like shit. I thought about it, and tried to figure out what the common denominator was (besides me, of course!) and I came to a conclusion. In every case where I had this horrible drop, two things happened: The first was that it was with someone I really liked. The second was that aftercare was lacking. No, not the traditional aftercare, but the day after aftercare. Usually I'll call to check in with the person I played with the next day to make sure they're okay. We talk for a minute or two, and that's it. I feel good, they feel good. In Spike's case (as well as a few others) I only had the option of texting, and the text wasn't returned. It's amazing how much that small gesture can mean.

That check-in allows me to help the person process things, and I will often use it as a way to talk about potential drop. It shows the person that I care about their feelings, and even if we never play together again, it allows for some closure. When I don't get to do the check-in, I worry about the other person. I mean, it doesn't matter if a person is brand new or has several decades worth of experience, I want to be sure I gave that person a positive experience with me. Naturally, there's been "disasters" in the dungeon, but being able to dissect it away from the dungeon helps the both of us.

So, today I felt like shit. I was in bed all day. Yes, I'll admit that I've been beating Shilo's ass the past few days and it's been fun and fulfilling, and even sexy at times, but it doesn't 'make up' for the hurt and negative feelings I'm feeling. One cannot replace the other. Believe me, I wish it did. Writing abut this helps a little, and maybe talking about it with Daddy Wayne and Shilo tomorrow will help, but time will fix this as well. My "drops" don't last forever, it just feels that way.

Now maybe I can work through all this and start healing.

Spike: The Aftermath

More of the same... Not really, but let's say that there wasn't the usual awkwardness that I have had with former subs/lovers in the past. It was like all those years apart hadn't really happened. It was obvious to me that he made an effort to look good for me, Still, we were both cautious to not fall into any traps that we feared. I made a point to introduce him to Shilo, since they had obviously never met, and I directed him into Stitch's room, mostly re-purposed as a 'dungeon' the night before, with a few added touches this morning. I poured coffee and brought it to him and he drank it while we talked. We used our proper names when talking, and got caught up on medical conditions, commenting on how age and medications affected how we played with others. Not our typical conversation. No "I missed you," no "I love you's" just comments on how much some things had changed or stayed the same.

We talked back and forth for an hour, with me covering my expectations on honesty and transparency, and him acknowledging his prior reluctance to do so, and his desire to do so now, and what he was currently doing in his vanilla life. Then I smiled and told him to get undressed. I silently noticed that the visual of his naked body, while pleasing, did not elicit any involuntary reactions or feelings. For the very first time, I saw him as he was, and not as an object of my desire, sexual or otherwise.

Since I couldn't remember very much about our past, and the things that he liked, I had him stand in the corner. This is something Shilo enjoys, so I thought I'd try it. Personally, it does nothing for me. Apparently, it did nothing for him as well. After having him confess what a naughty boy he'd been, I had him climb onto the spanking bench.

Spike was among the earliest masochists that I was with. He enjoyed it hard and rough, and other than a few swats on his backside, as warm up (if you could call it that) I laid into him using medium hard strokes. OOPS! I guess that his advanced age and medications has tenderized him a little, and he asked me to stop after about 20 swats using the heavy leather tawse. While I was okay with him asking to stop, he was upset and disappointed that we couldn't continue.

I told him to get on the bed and lay down, and I could tell he wanted to argue the point, so I repeated mt request politely. Finally realizing it was a demand, he did so, and I took off my outfit, leaving my black lace panties on, and I held him and we talked some more. It felt good and right being with him like that, and we discussed the probability of him returning to play again. I guess I left enough of an impression (pun intended) that he set up a date with me in the near future, and when it was time for him to go, he got dressed, and we hugged goodbye, It was very fitting and comfortable, and I'm looking forward to seeing him again, and maybe going further into negotiations with him.

In Other News:

Shilo appears to be feeling better on his gluten-free diet, which led to Shilo asking me for a "funishment" session about an hour after Spike left. While I'm not holding my breath waiting for another session with him, it was the first time since late October that we played hard enough for me to leave marks.

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It's Over...

Yes, it's all over, and, for the first time in a long time, I can breathe a sigh of relief, and not look over my back. 

In the middle of November last year, my sister and myself applied for co-conservatorship of Danny (AKA: Child #4) Because his father (My ex-husband AKA: Deadbeat) was trying to make it difficult for us to handle Danny's medical needs, going so far as to take her off of Danny's record as a contact and telling his neurologist conflicting information.

The piles of paperwork and repeated monthly court dates are over. Deadbeat was told at the last court date by the judge that he could not block it verbally anymore, and that he would have to fill out court papers and file it along with proof that we were unsuitable. Oh, believe me when I say that he managed to smear my name in the mud, filling the ears of anyone who would listen about my lies, laziness and neglect, and my mental health problems. What wasn't outright lies was such an exaggeration of the truth, that it necessitated me submitting copies of every court document, including police reports and a letter from my therapist stating my fitness and ability to handle Danny.

Thank God he knows nothing of my kinks or lifestyle! Oh, nevermind! He mentioned my sister's porn business too. To have our private lives opened like that was unnecessary. The mental and emotional scarring was re-opened. Also, during those 7 months of fighting, Danny was hospitalized 3 times, with a total of 15 days in the hospital. There's a reason I call his father 'Deadbeat.' Not once in all those times did he visit or contribute to hospital or medication/treatment costs. My credit is ruined, and the bills for Danny keeps rising. I will just briefly mention his lack of child support here.

Well, Deadbeat is living proof of my prior stupidity and prior decisions. But let's not dwell on the horrible past. It's not edifying and it causes me much pain. Besides, I can rejoice that this is over, and that's the important part!

Apparently, after that last court date, Deadbeat got all the paperwork and found out the filing fees and decided that he didn't have the time, patience, or money to object. He called last week to inform me that he had a change of heart. My youngest child told my sister that his dad tried to get him and his other brothers to testify against me. Even our oldest child (who all but called me a whore in my own home 2 Christmases ago) wouldn't do it, and Deadbeat realized he was fighting a losing battle.

I'm not perfect, and I'm certainly no angel, but I raised my boys the best I could with no help and was a good example for them. I guess in spite of everything, I raised them right.

So, it's over. I can finally breathe knowing that as Danny's medical and mental condition declines, my sister and I can do whatever we can to keep him happy and comfortable with no interference from his father.

Tension

It's not necessarily a bad thing. Think of sexual tension and the warm ache you get from it.Think of the tension of waiting for a good thing to happen. The tingle of anticipation, the longing ache you get from waiting, and the inevitable pleasure you get when the time is right. The precious release that is so desired. The past few days, when other things aren't in my thoughts, that's where I am. That place between pleasure and pressure, waiting for release. Wanting it now, but with the knowledge that anything worth having is worth waiting for. That delicious ecstasy that awaits me.

BUT:

I've grown up a bit, and I know there's a difference between fantasy and reality, and, yes, I've had more than my share of experiences where the reality far surpassed any fantasy in my head. Yes, I've been severely disappointed, but not that much. I also know that time and practice only makes for increasingly better experiences. I secretly hate my high hopes right now, mostly out of a fear of failure. Yeah, I hate that "F" word. Failure. A thing that is unsuccessful or disappointing. ::Deep breath:: The good thing is that that particular fear only lasts an instant. Pinning my hopes and dreams on an idea. Waiting on a pleasurable idea to come to fruition. Knowing that that particular feeling is shared with the other party makes it a little better.

Spike: I thought he was lost and long gone. Out of reach, out of sight but always on my mind. Spike, formerly known as _______, returning to me.  A thought I never entertained I could laugh at the reversal of fortune, but most people wouldn't get it. The events that brought this to me are just weird.

Counting, counting. counting... and Bedtime is upon me. Sleeping, dreaming, and hoping for the best!

About My "About Me" and Consent

This was originally written for my Fetlife blog, but it bears repeating:

Somewhere near the top of my profile, in BIG RED LETTERS is the following:

IMPORTANT DISCLOSURE: I have PTSD, so if you don’t know me personally, please don’t touch me or grab at me without asking. My usual response is “attack mode,” so consider yourself warned.

I put it near the top so most people will see it. What it doesn't say, and shouldn't have to say is that I will occasionally freeze in panic with a "deer in the headlights" look.

Now, before anyone accuses me of overreacting or causing "Drama" I want to say that it's already been handled between myself and the person in question, and that hopefully, it won't ever happen again. A lesson was learned. I'm not angry at the person, he's not a "bad guy" nor is he a "predator." He is someone I respect, and, no, he's not in my circle of friends, but he is a friend of my friends.

So, with all the above, why am I even bringing this up? Well, the fact that I woke up screaming could have something to do with it. I mean, I have a choice: I could allow this to overtake me and continue with the nightmares (that occur all times of the day, including naps) and screaming, or I can write about it in an attempt to 'exorcise' the fears.

"Don't touch me or grab at me without asking." It's easy. "Merry, that's a cool tattoo and scarification." I will probably tell you that you can touch it. The scarification has interesting ridges and it feels good when it's touched. When I engage in negotiations with a sub or bottom, I ask them if there's any body part I cannot touch, and I tell them to ask my permission before handling me.

We're equals, so if we're talking, and you have a pet snake, and I say I'm afraid of your pet snake, you should say, "Don't be afraid, I'll hold it, and you can pet it." WAIT for me to say 'okay' and don't put that snake in my face. I might not react if you put that snake near me, but the chance is good that I'm frozen in fear. Don't ask me later if you violated my consent, because you know you did, and don't ask me why I didn't run away screaming or kick you or said "no". Don't blame the victim! It's your responsibility to ask and wait for permission.

And, in the future, should you unintentionally hurt me or scare me, take me in your arms and comfort me, don't just apologize and go on like nothing happened. The little girl in me (Sunshine) needs to know that she can be safe among friends in a dungeon, and, yes, he started with me, but ended with Sunshine, because she comes 'out' to 'protect' me.

FOR THE RECORD: Snakes don't frighten me, but ask permission anyway.

What's In A Name?

I think I've explained my anomic aphasia enough times, but if you are confused, You may read about it in the following link:

http://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2014/03/im-not-stupid-nor-am-i-confused-3-6-2014.html

My anomic aphasia is the main reason I call Shilo, Shilo and Stitch, Stitch instead of using their given names. I realized a long time ago, I'm more likely to remember a name or nickname if I give it to the person.

Whenever I start a D/s relationship, I give the submissive a 'new' name, using the rules that it must start with the letter 'S' and be 4 to 6 letters long with no more than 2 syllables. I've used that rule since the early 90's before I knew what anomic aphasia was. I also never re-use names for another.  So, Spot, Sparky, Spanky, (Cum)Slut, Soft (Kitty), Shilo or Stitch never need to worry I'll re-use their names for another.  There have been others that I didn't use the name rule for, such as Nick-E, Mister Ed, and a few that already had a perfectly good name in place already.

So, time goes on, and people change. Many moons ago, in a previous life I was known as "Susie," but Merry and the various spellings took over in 2004 after a series of unpleasant events. I feel that as time goes by and events change us and our way of thinking, a new name might be in order, but after a long hiatus, a new name is a necessity. For instance, if Mister Ed returned, he would definitely need a new name! Even mentioning his name leaves me wondering... He's pushing 80 now, and it's been about 15 years since we last spoke. So those of you who are just dying to know who has come back into my life now know it's not him. But no more hints!

So, for the past few days, I've referred to a horse, long ago put to pasture as the Horse that needs new name. Well, after much thought, I've come up with what I consider to be the 'perfect' name for him. He will either discover it if he reads it here, or when we talk next week. Much thought went into this name, and after I present the name, I will explain why I chose it. Here goes... (are you as nervous and excited as I am?)

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I will be calling him Spike! Why Spike? Well here are a few things about the word Spike:

Spike: noun

a very large nail (very fitting: He is tall and sharp)

Synonyms:

jab, pierce, spear, impale (my heart felt all those things when I put him out to pasture)

Spike: transitive verb
to add vitality, zest, or spice to: liven (and that is my hope for him in my life)

I realize that by calling him Spike, it means I have high hopes and expectations for him and he might not live up to that transitive verb, but I've named others in hopes of their potential, and I was not disappointed. Wanting a little vitality in my life isn't too much to hope for. Understanding that he has a new vitality that he hasn't had in a long time is another reason for that name.
 

 

Honesty

Being truthful, not lying, not holding anything back, even if it hurts.

Prior to Shilo, all my relationships were D/s (Dominant/submissive) not M/s (Mistress/slave) and I was much less restrictive in the rules department. I mean, yes, I expected the rules to be followed, but I wasn't so strict and regimented, and even though I gave honesty, and expected it in return, there were no consequences for the other party. With Shilo, all that changed. I tightened restrictions and had more expectations on behavior and honesty. I became tougher, and I didn't take shit. It's had a few difficulties, but mostly, it's paid off in the long run. I know where I stand on any given day, and both Shilo and Stitch have benefited from it. No excuses, no half-truths, no "you look beautiful in that dress" unless I really do. No more fashion faux pas for me! While some women might find that type of honesty to be painful, I welcome it.

So, here we are now, two years into a completely honest transparent relationship. Has he hurt my feelings? Of course he has, but the benefits are amazing, and I wouldn't ever go back to how I was before. I even decided to handle all my BDSM (and vanilla) relationships that way.

The Advantages

The advantages are obvious to me. I always know where I stand, and there is no confusion on anyone's part. I know if the other person likes something or hates something. Any hurt feelings are dealt with immediately, and grudges are unheard of. I don't have to worry needlessly over inconsequential things, and I know that if I wear that skirt, people are going to be thinking my ass is HUGE. Neither Stitch or Shilo have to worry about what's on my mind, because I tell them. Naturally, there are times when one of us needs to take a deep breath and think things through before we speak, but being able to say that without fear of anger or retribution makes it that much easier. Holding the other person in a loving and accepting way while s/he gathers thoughts is encouraged, and Love from all sides is there. Yes, there are still arguments and disagreements sometimes, but what might have lasted all day and into the next day will last an hour or less in most cases. Even Sunshine takes part in this, explaining the 'hard' stuff for me.

The Disadvantages

There are some disadvantages. Not everyone is ready for such an open way of life. I include my expectations of anyone pursuing a BDSM relationship with me, and it has led to uncomfortable silences, and even a few arguments. My truths are definitely not made for public consumption. It can be alienating when you eliminate social niceties and tell people what you actually feel about things. No amount of emotional maturity can prepare a person when I tell them my idea of how I process something as simple as a spanking. I understand and accept that someone night see it as sexual, but they cannot understand and accept that I process that spanking in a nonsexual way, and that I am unable to feel sexual towards  someone unless I feel genuine Love for them. Also, telling someone that I have rules about Love and sex that may or may not align with theirs puts them in a very uncomfortable position. My matter-of-fact way of dealing with things can be off-putting. Add to it that I really don't mind how they feel, and that I expect them to understand and accept my frequently opposite feelings and it scares most of them, because it's an alien concept. You Love me, and I like you? That's okay! I Love you, and you like me? That's okay too, Just be clear on it.  We can never predict how our emotions might be, and how it might change, so please be comfortable in the fluidity of of it all.

If I'm involved with you, you can count on the fact that I at least like you, and if what I do does nothing for you, be honest, and spare me the pain that might come in the future.

How do I feel, honestly? ask and I will tell.

Again With The Horses

This time, excerpts from the horse's mouth! No, not one horse, several of them. Due to the anomic aphasia, some words might be eliminated or changed, but I will strive to keep the meaning the same.

Name of horse:Child #4 (Babyman)
What was said: "Dad called and said he's not gonna challenge you and Auntie in court next week."
What it means to me: Well, I'm more than a little suspicious... What does he (Deadbeat) have in mind anyway?


Name of horse: Me (to Babyman)
What was said:"I'm going to listen to your voicemail from him."
What it means to me: Well, I couldn't believe it was really true, so I listened to it. Decided I'd call him (Deadbeat) and catch him off-guard.


Name of horse: Child #2 (Boo Bear)
What was said: "I ordered parts for my car so I can fix it all the way and get it out of your driveway."
What it means to me: Finally! After 4 months, it would be nice to not have to park our cars on the street!


Name of horse: Soft Kitty (A sub I was considering)
What was said: "If BDSM isn't sexual for you, then I can't submit to you."
What it means to me: Honestly??? Well after the whole back and forth of the past 3 weeks where he couldn't make up his mind on anything, I'm kind of relieved.


Name of horse: Me (to Soft Kitty)
What was said: "I'm the Dominant, and since you are now seeking another one, please block me so I don't have to watch."
What it means to me: Relief, Honestly, I'm relieved. It was getting to be too much work to get even a little cooperation.


Name of horse: Smartest Horse up until sometime back (needs a new name)
What was said: "I guess I didn't Love you nearly as much as you Loved me, but I do care for you."
What it means to me: OUCH!!!  Well, not really... I had my suspicions. Things had been tanking fast back then, and if it hadn't ended the way it did, it would have ended for a myriad of other reasons, and the time he was in the pasture was good for me, and a little heartbreak every now and then is good.


Name of horse: Me (to Horse that needs new name)
What was said: "I'm looking forward to riding your ass."
What it means to me: Well, I am... We enjoyed our rides before, so why would this be different? Oh yeah... He's been in the pasture, and I'm in a completely different headspace. I'm a little anxious/nervous, but I'm sure the horse hasn't completely forgotten how to make me purr in delight.


Name of horse:Me (to myself)
What was said: "Must stay calm, and stop counting down."
What it means to me: well, it's a habit, and I'm understandably feeling that way. I'm afraid (scared shitless) of how we will react to each other


Name of horse: Me (to Horse that needs new name)
What was said: "I'll let you take the lead in the emotion department."
What it means to me: WTF???!!! This isn't like me at all! I'm already putting up my emotional guards.


Name of horse: Shilo
What was said: "You've got a boyfriend" (said in a sing-song voice)
What it means to me: He's teasing me in a good-natured way. It's his way of showing approval, but he doesn't want me to get hurt. I don't know how or if I should reassure him. Opening my heart means I run that risk. I will try to not obsess too much. (Too late!)


Name of horse: Babyman
What was said: "I don't worry about your relationship with Stitch anymore."
What it means to me: He's finally understanding that polyamory can work.


Name of horse: Deadbeat
What was said: "I decided to not fight you and your sister in court next week."
What it means to me: I have mixed feelings. All this has been nearly 9 months in the making, and it's taken this long because he kept fighting it. So, while I'm relieved, I'm also angry because of all the time, energy, and money spent on what could have been solved MONTHS ago!


Name of horse: Stitch
What was said: "I Love you babygirl, and I'm so glad we're alone."
What it means to me: What he's really saying is that he's glad I took Babyman home today. Having him here cramps our lifestyle. I agree 100%, but I love my time with Babyman.


Name of horse: Me (to anyone reading this)
What was said: "I Love all my children, and they mean the world to me."
What it means to me: Just what I wrote. It's just that I'm out of the closet now in most areas, but I don't feel comfortable doing more than hugging Stitch or Shilo with them around, and I most certainly can't run around the house naked with them at the house.

Name of horse: Daddy W (in reference to Horse that needs new name)
What was said: "I want all the best for you, and I know you're out, so maybe things will be better for you two now."
What it means to me: I'm just really happy to have his approval and guidance.

Name of horse: Me and Horse that needs new name
What was said: "NSA is best for now."
What it means to me: I'm trying to protect my heart, and I think he is too.

Name of horse: Me (to myself)
What was said: "I can't believe all this stuff has gluten in it."
What it means to me: Exactly that, Feeding Shilo is getting more difficult, and I hate reading labels, but I know it will pay off.

Name of horse: Daddy W (in reference to Soft Kitty)
What was said: "Maybe you wanted it too bad and rushed it and that scared him."
What it means to me:I agree, but it was his (Soft kitty's) indecisiveness that finally made me give up.

Name of horse: Baby Sister
What was said: "I'm glad he (Deadbeat) finally gave up, but I'm pissed about all the work."
What it means to me: Me too! I completely agree!

Name of horse: Neurologist
What was said: "The Specialist and I were discussing changing Babyman's meds. How do you feel?"
What it means to me: Not again! Too much work! Let's stay with this cocktail for a while.


Name of horse: Banker (I was trying to close an account AGAIN!)
What was said: (A whole series of irrelevant questions)
What it means to me: This is why I hate people. I'm too antisocial for this!


Name of horse: Stitch
What was said: What's for Dinner?
What it means to me: OOPS! Time to get off the computer!

But I have one final horse...


Name of horse: Random sub male on collarspace
What was said: "Will UB my Domme? How much do U charge?"
What it means to me: Oh Gawd NO! I'm getting sick of this!

My REAL reply: No, I'm not an elephant or a prostitute. (figure it out reader)


Okay, off to fix a gluten-free meal!

Me and That Damned Saddle!

"Back in the saddle again": Riding the horse you either fell off of, or getting on a horse you've ridden in the past, but not for a long time. Either one is quite an accomplishment, because it takes a certain amount of bravery or foolhardiness to do it. I mean, you just never know. What if the literal or figurative horse bucks, or gets skittish? What if you can no longer find your comfort zone? What if you discover you no longer enjoy riding that horse? So many fears, so many "What ifs."

So, I have this horse... I have a saddle, and I'm getting ready to put the saddle on the horse. I know I'm going to get in that saddle, but there are still questions. Simple ones, like will I just sit and not ride, or will I ride it? How long will I ride it? Will I ride that horse into the sunset?

Yeah, I know I'm getting way too worked up over this horse, but it was a much-loved horse that I enjoyed riding, and it's been a really long time since I rode it. You see, I put that horse out to pasture a long time ago, only to discover recently that this horse was fit for riding again. It's a special, one-of-a-kind horse. A horse of a different color.

I laugh a little when I think of that beloved horse, because it was the smartest horse I ever rode, up until then, and I've ridden other horses since, some that were stubborn as mules, others that were much younger than that horse. But all of the others are gone, save for the smartest horse ever until this point. That one I keep. So I now have the smartest horse ever, and this other horse that is coming in from out of the pasture that used to be the smartest horse, but will now be considered the second smartest one. One did not replace the other, nor will it replace the other. After all, they're horses.

I think that waiting on this horse to arrive is going to be making me crazy. Yee-haw!

Bonus Post!

My Mother-in-Law is feeling better, she will be undergoing both chemo and radiation soon. The conservatorship hearing was postponed. We go back next week.  Child #4 was hospitalized due to multiple seizures and he's with us till Wednesday afternoon. Shilo saw our new doctor last week, and he's now on a gluten free diet.

I'm renting some garage storage space to a friend of our boarder which just about makes up for the money lost because Sherman/Tallship wouldn't pay. An added bonus: When paying bills last week, I saw that the water/gas and electric bill had gone down noticeably. While we aren't out of the woods, I can say that things in that department are looking up.

Sherman/Tallship has been out of my Household for a little over 3 weeks, and I was given some good news. Now if I could manage a little more sleep, I'd feel even better.

A Full Heart

Soo...What prompted this? Oh, a little of everything.

Sometimes we feel like we're alone, but we aren't. Sometimes we feel like we've been left in the cold and the dark, and we will huddle together with those closest to us and cry out for relief. Other times, we just feel burdened. Let me tell you... I have been so burdened down with the pain and cares of the world lately. I'm responsible, or, at least, I feel responsible for my mistakes, my errors in judgement, my fuck-ups. Ohh.. I've made so many of them, and I beat myself up constantly for them. I had one of those weeks last week, and it all blew up on Saturday. (5-23)

I shut off, shut down. Went into the deep end of the (virtual) pool and stayed underwater. Not on the surface. I let Sunshine pick up the pieces. She has a knack for expressing my feelings in a calm way that I couldn't express. When she pulled me out of the pool and let me back out, I had a feeling of inner peace. Shilo apologized, and while that was nice, he also gave me the forgiveness that I needed. I've carried so much guilt and self-loathing over my error in judgement regarding Sherman/Tallship. It's affected how I interact with Shilo and Stitch, and I was just feeling that my fuck-up on that situation was causing everyone to hate me, when, in reality, it was just me hating myself, and blocking out any Love I had the potential of receiving. He told me that everyone in the household had forgiven me weeks ago, and it was time for me to let go of it. I did. The best part was that a weight was lifted.

He went on (much to my dismay) to tell me that the sub I was considering would not work out, and I told him to give it time. I figured out it was doomed before it started, but I pursued it anyway. Blame the masochist in me. Well, that time is up. The ship has sailed. I'm tired of explaining to someone why BDSM isn't Burger King.  Now, while all this was happening, I saw something on the internet that caused my heart to feel good. It was just a picture with a caption, but that little picture made me smile. I gave a quiet acknowledgement and waited.That quiet acknowledgement was received, and I was reminded again that anything worth having is worth waiting for, and that we all have guardian angels. Maybe not the kind that some Christians believe, but we all have people who do care about us, but we can't always see them. No, not stalkers either. I found out today that I had one, and it filled my heart with happiness.

For quite a long time, I tore myself apart over something (not mentioned here) that I knew full well wasn't my responsibility or my fault. Today I finally received word that I don't have to worry about it anymore. I was told the hidden part of the story. That  lifted a weight as well.

I don't know whether things have improved, but I can say that the guilt and pain I've been carrying has been tossed in the trash where it belongs, and I'm ready for a new adventure with the Ones I Love.