Last-Minute Update

Tomorrow morning, Daniel goes in to City of Hope for the bone marrow donation, He has been receiving daily injections of Neupogen from me, and tonight, because I was otherwise tied up, he injected himself. I can't begin to share how proud of him I am. He's been taking this very seriously, knowing that this could save Jonathan's life.

So, what's the change? Apparently, Jonathan won't be getting the transplant tomorrow after all. It seems that there's some additional processing/testing Daniel's bone marrow will need to go through, so Jonathan will get the transplant on Wednesday instead.  I'll find out what time Wednesday before I leave City of Hope tomorrow.

In the meantime, please keep my family (especially Jonathan and Daniel) in your thoughts and prayers,

Merry

Over The River And Into The Woods (3-3-16)

I haven't written much lately about my son Jonathan. Since his release from City of Hope on January 29^th, things have been somewhat quiet. I've taken Daniel (AKA: Child #4) there for consults because he's the only sibling that was a 100% match, and that in itself was a miracle. Still, there has been lots to do in preparation for the bone marrow donation and transplant. I drove Jonathan back to City of Hope on Monday (2-29), so they could prepare him for the transplant. Part of this is receiving radiation 4 times a day, plus strong chemotherapy. This will effectively kill all his immunity to illness, but it will also ensure that Daniel's bone marrow will be able to do it's job when Jonathan gets the transplant.

For the past 2 ½ weeks, Daniel has been on a high protein, low fat diet, and has been taking multivitamins with iron, and calcium supplements in addition to his regularly prescribed medication, which includes B-6 and D-3. He's also had to increase his fluid intake. This means I have to constantly remind him to drink both water and milk. Then he complains about needing to use the bathroom. Still, he understands how important it is for him to do all this, and he knows I'm on him about this because Jonathan's life is at stake.

I will repeat it again: 

Jonathan's life is at stake!  As a Mother, it scares the shit out of me. Even with all the treatments, blood transfusions, chemotherapy, and soon-to-be bone marrow transplant, Jonathan might die. Yes, he was able to walk by the river, but he's gone right back into the dark woods! The emotional ups and downs have left me feeling shattered at times. Still, right now, I have to be strong and put on my “brave mommy face.” I don't have time to be sad, feel vulnerable, or even cry. Honestly, I'm not sure if I could cry. I've cried so much since that day in early October, that I wonder if I even have tears left.

So, here we are. After I took Jonathan to City of Hope, I picked up Daniel and he will be with me until about March 20^th. Tomorrow (Friday 3-4) we will go to City of Hope so we can start the process so Daniel can donate his bone marrow. Every day until Monday, I will be injecting Daniel with Neupogen so his bones will produce bone marrow stem cells. On Tuesday morning, I will take him to City of Hope where they will harvest those cells by taking blood from him. This will take about 8 hours. I can stay with him the whole time, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to handle the stress. For those of you who offered to sit with me in the beginning, and I politely turned you down, I think I'm ready to accept the offers now. Tuesday will be a LONG day, and the distraction will be most welcome.

Once the cells are removed, Jonathan will get the transplant via a transfusion. My plan is to stay until that is finished as well. I can't begin to express my gratitude for all the encouragement I've received from everyone and I'm reminded how fortunate I am. Still, I will take my chances, and ask for something more: If you are healthy and you have O+ blood, and you live in the Southern California area, and you are willing to donate blood on his behalf, please leave a comment, and I will tell you how you can help out Jonathan and people like him. If you are any other blood type, your help would be appreciated as well.

Kinky

Something's happened. Something's changed. It's left me with very mixed emotions.

Looking back, this is probably the last thing I could have imagined. I acknowledge that I'm constantly learning and evolving/changing. The changes of the past 6 months have more to do with it than I imagined, and I've been helpless to fix or change most of it. Deaths, illness, accidents and disasters. I've been living it.People have generously offered to help me, but I honestly didn't/don't know what kind of help I need. Medical bills have piled up, and I don't like feeling like I owe people money. Never mind the utility bills as well. Between my 911 heart attack scare that included an ambulance ride, Shilo falling and breaking his ankle on the way up to a local dungeon in October that still hasn't properly healed, and my fall that included broken ribs that still hurt, I'm not in very good physical condition. However, I have managed to lose a few pounds. Still, feeling sexy/sexual/desired has gone out the window. The nearly constant discomfort coupled with a lack of desire has affected me.

I don't want anyone feeling sad or sorry for me, and I don't want sympathy either. I just want to do an emotional dump because it's overdue.

Soo... Back to kinky. Kinky has gone out the window. Actively participating in BDSM with Shilo and occasionally Stitch did something for me. I felt alive and we all enjoyed ourselves. I don't feel that any more. I don't feel vanilla either. It's like I'm just existing, waiting for something. So, imagine my excitement when Shilo hinted that he was feeling well enough fora disciplinary session last week. It was heavy on my mind, and we discussed it in depth this morning as I drove him home from work. I picked out a few implements and did my best, watching his pale soft skin turn a bright blood-red color, I checked in with him often, and the look of satisfaction on his face was nice, but all I wanted to do was go back to sleep.

It leaves me asking where Mistress Merry went.  No gleeful laughter on my part, and I didn't demand anything either. FUCK!!! Who is this that took over my body and emotions anyway? She's not much fun! Did I hear someone in the audience ask if I wanted to try submitting? No, I definitely don't want that! Been there many years ago. It's not for me. No, I just want the old me back.

If you happen to see her, can you please tell her I want her to return? Thank you!

Something to Think About

I mentioned in my previous post my desire to reconnect with certain family members, but I really haven't acted on it. There's just so much other things to do, so the "priority level" isn't as high. I still have 11 months till the end of this year to make an effort. Don't get me wrong... I have made a few tiny moves towards doing it, but there's still the fear of rejection. I still hold certain people at an arms length due to me still nursing my hurt feelings, but I'm working on that as well. Like I wrote before, it's a desire, not a need.

I also decided in December I'd do a "Happy/Funny" jar of events in my life, so when I feel sad or bad, I can refer back to those events. I don't have something for every day, but I'm fine with that. I also don't have a jar. Instead, I have a Document on my computer for it. Some days (like Friday, for example) I have more than one thing, so it makes up for those less than stellar days.

I also try to remind myself of all the skills I learned last year, especially where it comes to Shilo's need for gluten free foods. I even have a few personal favorites that I've learned to make, such as gluten free chocolate peanut butter pie, and gluten free potatoes au gratin. Honestly, most of my cooking was gluten free to begin with, and I was surprised to find that out. It was mostly prepackaged foods that have gluten in them, so I have to read labels. Of course, I still eat food with gluten in it (I love my bread!) as does Stitch, but we try to eat those things when Shilo is at work. Naturally, I work hard to ensure that I always make as many items as possible gluten free, because I hate to see Shilo in gastrointestinal distress or sad that he can't have something I've made.

My son, Jonathan, has gotten occasional "breaks" from being in the hospital by his Oncologist at City of Hope Hospital, but just recently spent 8 days in getting more chemo. He was released last night, and I drove him home.  He's gearing up for his planned bone marrow transplant in February. He also told me that they are discussing radiation as well. I'm just happy that he's gotten better than he was, and his attitude is so positive. I attribute this to the power of prayers and positive healing thoughts that he's received.

I'm not sure if I mentioned that Child #4 (my disabled son, Daniel) was a 100% match for Jonathan in my previous post, so I'll mention it now. His Neurologist has approved for him to be the Donor, (and Daniel has expressed a desire to do so) but the Transplant Team at City of Hope Hospital has to approve it. Let's all hope and pray it works out! No matter what, though, I will say that this demonstrates the Love my kids have for each other. Yes, there is one that was/is negative about this, and balked at being tested, but the others have shown so much Love, that it doesn't matter.

Please continue to keep my Family and Household in your thoughts. Thank you!

New Year, New ME?

Not really... I'm still me, and still recovering from my accident of Friday, November 13th. Ribs still hurt, and trying to get comfortable in bed is a bitch.

My son Jonathan is feeling/doing better, thanks to the Team at City of Hope Hospital. It's a long process, but I trust it will work.

Again, for the God-knows-how-many years in a row, I've purposely avoided making resolutions, simply because they usually wind up disappointing me, but I have decided that it's time for me to make an effort to mend fences and/or rebuild bridges. Dealing with the possibility of Jon's imminent death reminded me that even though I might not get along with a family member, they're still my family, and we all want(ed) Jonathan to get better.  We shared the same goal, so perhaps putting aside our differences would be a good thing. My Mom has been dead for three years now, and she was the glue that held us together.  Maybe it's time for us to try to get along and have a little face time. I'm sure it would make life a little better, especially if we approached it from  the outlook that we share a common goal. It's just an idea in my head that I've vocalized only a few times in the past 18 days. There are other people who aren't family, but it's all in the thinking phase.

In other news, I weighed in on Friday (1-15) at 204 pounds! It's been a long time since I weighed so little, but I'm hoping that losing weight is a trend that will continue. No real diet, no real effort on my part, just a switch to my eating schedule. I've reduced my snacks and absent-mindedly eating. I stop when I'm satisfied, and let Donna (the pit bull) eat what's left. Yes, I still eat junk food on occasion, but I rarely desire it.

My Psychiatrist/Therapist told me a few months ago that he was retiring at the end of January, which was a huge shock to me. I had no idea he was so close to 65. I honestly thought he was close to, or just barely 50, but it's not like I asked him. My final appointment was on the aforementioned date. I didn't spend long with him on Friday, but I did tell him that I'd miss him. I've opened up more with him than I did with anyone else, so it's a huge loss for me. I really dislike change, and seeing someone new causes me LOTS of discomfort and anxiety, but I've met my new (to me) Psychiatrist/Therapist before at an activity, so I'm hoping it will go smoothly. I guess as long as she follows my two guidelines (1. I only call in a real emergency, so please take it seriously and return the call immediately, and 2. Don't fuck with my medication) and doesn't judge my lifestyle choices, we'll get along just fine.

Shilo is still recovering from his broken ankle, so I still do all the driving. I've adjusted my sleep cycle (another reason for the weight loss?) and I will admit, I feel better emotionally than I have in any other previous January in recent memory.

Stitch? Well Stitch is Stitch, only his hearing and memory loss is getting worse. Shilo occasionally jokes about Stitch forgetting the way home, but it seems to be an inevitable thing for him. I worry, but what can I do? I try my best to make sure he's happy, and I remind him of my Love for him as often as possible. His only child will be a first-time parent in March, and there was a baby shower this past weekend, Stitch is soo excited, and we had a nice time. His ex-wife was there, and thanks to our kids being friends for 20(!!!) years, we get along just fine. Honestly, I understand why they got divorced, and because I know his side, and can completely relate to her side, there's no animosity at all. Besides, our kids set us up, and I think they knew what they were doing. It's been nearly 12 years now, and while there have been adjustments and changes, we're all happy.

So, that's my update. Happy New Year!
♥
Merry

This really should be in my "About Me"

---

Well, part of it is, but not all of it. The "I have PTSD and SAD, amongst other things" is clearly stated there, if you dig deep enough. However, what isn't stated (and should be) is that my psychiatrist/therapist considers me to be medication compliant and stable. What is clearly stated in my chart is that I only call if there is a REALLY EXTREME PROBLEM This means that things are CRITICAL and the call is to be returned as soon as possible. I routinely joke that if I called every time something was wrong, I'd be calling almost daily, but I have enough common sense to call only when I feel I can't handle it anymore. So, when mom died 3 years ago? YES !!! When Shilo's mom died? Not right then, but I did notify so I could get my flying medication. When I first got Jonathan's cancer diagnosis? You better believe it!

So now I have friends offering assistance. I really appreciate it, and I will definitely take them up on it, but I honestly feel so confused that I don't know what I want or need right now. Jonathan isn't up to even having me visit, so I'm respecting his wishes. We're waiting to find out if any of his 4 brothers are a match for a bone marrow transplant, and those results are at least a week away, according to the Oncologist. "Hurry up and wait" is how it is. In the meantime, there are 'spots' in his lungs that were discovered in his last body scan, done on Tuesday, so we're waiting on the results of a bronchoscopy(sp?) that was was done on Thursday.

Am I worried? Honestly, not nearly as badly as I was when all this first started. Somehow, having a few more answers has calmed me down. We've had a few times already when it looked like Jon was close to dying, and I've felt so hopeless and helpless and frightened, but with him being somewhere where all the staff is experienced with cancer patients, I've actually been able to breathe easier. The statistics aren't that good, but if Jonathan hadn't gone to the ER when he did, he would have died on the plane trip to Japan that was planned a week after the ER visit. I know this is all borrowed time, so I'm thankful for every call, every hug, and every "I Love you Mom" that I get. Consider this a calm before the storm. I know it's coming, and I'm girding up for it. When it hits, I will call, I will text, I will take up those offers.

"So, Merry, what do want right now?" I want all my friends to have a Blessed Solstice, Happy Yule, Happy Festivus, Happy Mawlid Al Nabi, Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Boxing Day, Happy National Chocolate Day, Happy Bacon Day, and finally, A VERY Happy New Year! If I neglected to mention a date important to you, I apologize, and I hope it is as wonderful as you are!

Life Update (12-13-15)

In spite of the sadness and hardships my Family and Household has endured this year, I've done my best to maintain a positive outlook, and to turn to those I call friends for emotional support when needed. However, for the past month or so, I've pretty much isolated myself, because I felt I was overburdening others with all the chaos in my life. Today I'm writing this to share something that might seem sad, but it really isn't.

My son, Jonathan, has been in the hospital for 10 weeks (70 DAYS!!!) and was diagnosed with cancer 66 days ago. He has been through so very much, including 3 rounds of chemotherapy. 10 days ago, on Jonathan's 30th Birthday,  his Oncologist called a family meeting to discuss his results, and while Jonathan's levels have somewhat improved, he is NOT in remission.

This sad news came with a silver lining though, because this made Jonathan eligible for a transfer to City of Hope in Duarte. I got a call this afternoon informing me transfer was taking place this evening, so now he's going to get more specialized care. Please keep him in your thoughts and/or prayers.

For more information on Jonathan's diagnosis, go to: http://www.cancer.org/cancer/leukemia-acutelymphocyticallinadults/detailedguide/leukemia-acute-lymphocytic-what-is-all

And if you are able to assist him to keep his housing and pay his expenses or even just want to give him words of encouragement please go to: https://www.gofundme.com/helpjonfight

Either way, thank you for reading this, and for your kind word, calls and emails.

Merry

A Partial Outing

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Something I Don't Talk About

I have a very violent past history that I usually choose to not share, simply because I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me or see me as being "fragile." The truth is, I have no need for those things. I am a survivor with PTSD that occasionally has very brief moments of light panic attacks that will occasionally turn into full-blown panic attacks. I have a wonderful support system, and, most times, I can get control long enough to remove myself from a situation. On the rare occasion it goes full-blown, I either get my "deer in the headlights" look, or I attack. If you know me, or spend time around me, I will remind you that I've warned you, and I cannot be held responsible for attacking when I feel threatened in the midst of a panic attack. My advice: Don't do it!

Unfortunately, it's not always that simple. The 4th of July, fireworks shows, and sex in a dark room are all triggers when it comes to my rape that occurred in 2004. There is also a smell, I don't normally mention that to anyone, except for those closest to me. He smoked a certain brand of cheap cigar that has a distinct odor to it. Let me mention here that I have an unusually good sense of smell. Even the faintest scent of this particular cigar brand will set off my panic receptors. I can and will react in an unpredictable manner. Fortunately, the people I spend time with prefer more expensive cigars, so it's not an issue.


On Thursday, I took my oldest to the DMV, and, like always, there was a line snaking outside the building. I don't mind standing outside, so I talked to him as we waited, and then it assaulted my senses. A cigar, that cigar, and it was somewhere close behind me. First I said it's name, and tried to stay calm. I mean, I'm in line outside the DMV with my 6 foot tall 31 y/o son who is strong enough to fight off anyone, and there's a security guard 50 feet away. I'm safe. But the smell only got stronger. I had to turn around and look. The funny thing is that the young man smiled at me when I turned around like he knew what I was searching for. I plastered on my biggest smile, and asked (like I didn't already know) "Is that a (name?)" He smiled again, and said 'yeah'. That was enough. I told my oldest I had to get something from the car, and hid in there for 15 minutes until my heartbeat and breathing went back to normal. When I returned, my oldest was close to the door, so I told him I'd wait inside.


I feel I handled it well. My oldest was clueless, and I didn't react, but it leaves me wondering if I'll always do that well under pressure. Is this a sign of things to come, or will I act unpredictably the next time? Maybe it's best not to worry about it. I fight my PTSD daily, and I cannot change my past, but I can learn how to get a better handle on things. I just keep telling myself that the danger is gone and I'm safe. It's all I can do.

The Phone Call

I can't say it was unexpected, or even really a surprise. I mean, he's been very heavy on my mind, and we have an interesting connection with each other. When we were together, many moons ago, he could finish my sentences. Not everyone could do that.

When my phone rang, and I saw it was him, I had an idea of what he was going to say. Still, I braced myself for the blow, but it never came. Oh, the words I knew were coming came, but they were delivered gently, almost sweetly. Instead of hurting, they were healing. It gave a closure that our previous episode never had. Maybe because he delivered the message and not the other way around. Maybe because in spite of my enjoyment of him, I knew it was temporary, and I wasn't as invested as the last time. Maybe because both of us are in a better place and state of mind. Yes, I want to analyze it. It's human nature to do so. My heart was open, but so are my eyes.

I wouldn't call him monogamous, but he does prefer one serious sexual-type relationship at a time, and because both of us had been hurt by our last go round, and he was fresh out of a relationship this time, I agreed that there should be no strings attached. Still, I worried that I would fall in Love all over again. Fortunately, it seemed that even though the years melted away, my heart was focused on protecting itself. We had a a session that was pleasant, but not overwhelming, and we made plans to see each other again. His MIL fell into bad health, my MIL got worse and died, so we kept postponing, until we agreed to not plan anything soon. That was 2 months ago.

It was just yesterday that thoughts of him entered my head, and I realized that I missed him, but I knew he wasn't going to come back. At least, not how we had discussed.So, the phone rang. I answered it, and I heard his words. I said I understand (I do) I said I wasn't hurt (I'm not) and I admitted that I hoped this time we wouldn't lose our friendship. He agreed. Will it really` happen that way? I honestly don't know, bit I do know that I will make my services available to him, and that "she" isn't into BDSM, so there's a chance it will wind up that we see each other. Do I really` want that? No, but only because I wish him all the happiness he can have in this relationship.

I have other things to focus on, so I'll go back to those. I wish you all the best Spike. I'll never forget the sweet way you delivered the news to me, and I thank you for your respect.
M

Awake On a Hot Summer Night

I'm laying in bed alone and I can't sleep and all I can think about is how much I long for his touch. Unfortunately for me, he is at work some 25 miles away. This means I'm suffering with no relief in sight. Masturbation is an exercise in futility for me, so I'm stuck laying here just fantasizing about what I want, and knowing I'm not going to get it anytime soon.

Shilo is not only miles away physically, but many many miles away mentally from me. We had a disagreement several days ago, and I'm not sure if he's still quietly stewing, or if he feels like I do. Full of desire,  and ready for anything.  I feel like lately he's just been looking for an excuse to avoid me by arguing or finding something inconsequential to be angry about. It makes me sad that I'm unable to solve this, and pretending that it doesn't hurt because I don't want to react in anger. I keep saying that I want my husband back, but it's almost like I'm speaking a foreign language that he doesn't understand.

I try to convince myself that this is a temporary situation, but I feel like I'm lying to myself so I don't fall apart. I mean, I can only try so hard before I give up and admit defeat. He says he Loves me, but this sure doesn't feel like it.  I feel unwanted, and it really suhus.  This isn't about sex, it's about tenderness and showing Love. I admit that I want sex at this moment, but that feeling is temporary. The desire to feel Loved is what will stay, and what is really missing. The emptiness and loneliness is unbearable.

How can I write a note of Love and desire when I'm so empty? How can I want when I'm surrounded by people who care? I don't have those answers. I just know my desire isy husband and no one else will do.

Alone With My Thoughts

I've spent many hours since my 'date' on Monday thinking about it. For anyone not in the loop, I've been seeing a vanilla guy for a few months now. I like him, I enjoy his company, and he's fun to be with. He knew sex (intercourse) was off the table, and he told me early on that he was fine with that due to ED. It was perfect as far as I was concerned. So... time and dates progressed, and I felt I wanted more. It all culminated on Monday with me inviting him to my home, and us kissing in the bedroom and graduating into him giving me orgasms via manual and oral stimulation. It was nice, more like okay, because I realized I just didn't have the emotional connection that i thought I did, and I took a big step by having him over. I know it sounds strange, but orgasms with no emotional connection means my pussy didn't get wet, and after he left, I felt empty, and I really couldn't talk about it or explain it to Shilo.

So, anyway, I'm just feeling empty, and a little used. But that confuses me. After all, I received oral sex and had the orgasms, but he got nothing and yet I feel used. I also feel stupid and guilty because this wasn't what I intended. It wasn't supposed to be this way, and even though I did nothing wrong, it just feels wrong. Maybe it's because I'm not in love with him, or maybe because I never intended for it to become sexual in any way. I mean, I'm not depressed, but I am unhappy with all this.

I don't even feel that I can talk about this with Shilo, because I'm afraid he will only turn this all against me, or maybe be more angry, and I don't want that. Yes, he knows what happened, but I never told him about this growing uneasiness. Still, I don't count this as a failure, but more of a learning experience. I mean, I'm still comfortable with the ides of meeting people, and maybe even dating, but perhaps I should add giving or receiving oral sex as a hard limit, at least when it comes to vanilla dating.

It could just be that I feel like this because vanilla guy hasn't contacted me since he left Monday afternoon. I guess my reasoning doesn't matter. I mean, I feel how I feel, and no amount of reasoning is going to make me feel better.

I guess it's time to step back and readjust myself. Count this as a lesson learned, and move forward, and then decide how I will handle this, because I at least owe vanilla guy an explanation of why I don't want to see him again.

The Envelope Please...

A few days ago, I made an offhand comment about using an envelope with an activity inside for those occasional Tuesday mornings when I'm awake and in a good mood, and Shilo is feeling energetic enough for some "fun" activity.

Much to my chagrin, and Shilo's (no doubt) lack of surprise, it's about 3AM on Tuesday and still no envelopes in sight. I fell asleep on the chair in the living room, and nothing got done.  I should mention that Shilo is probably unaware that I loaded the dishwasher while he slept on Monday afternoon. I'm not seeking 'brownie points' by any means, I'm more interested in rocking his world a little.

Shilo has been locked in chastity for 8 days now (Actually 7 days 10 1/2 hours, but who's counting? Oh yeah! He is!) and I'm pretty sure that when the device went on, he didn't expect it to be on for such a long amount of time. I suffer along with him. I mean, no intercourse for him, means no intercourse with him for me, and I happen to enjoy intercourse with him, so I do 'suffer.'

The tease and denial for him has been horribly cruel, with him removing the device, showering, providing me with a few orgasms via oral stimulation, and allowing him to enter me, thrust for maybe a minute or so (7 thrusts the first day, 15 the next. Yeah, I count) and then re-locking him. I cannot begin to tell you how torturous it's been for me, and I'm sure he feels the same.

Sooo... the (nonexistent) envelopes: I have no time or patience to do them now, but a quick preview should he happen to see this is as follows:

1. Triple treat for me while restrained (or not) until I pass out. This will require a slow build up, backing off, and building back up again. Not an easy task, but I know he's up for it.

2. Shilo unlocking and showering, giving WMS short of an orgasm if possible (I won't stop him, he'll have to stop on his own.) If he manages without an orgasm, he won't get "charged" with time off from chastity for doing so.  if he fails, and has an orgasm, I will add up to another week in chastity for him at my discretion. If he has a 'ruined orgasm,' I will roll a die. Odd: no additional days, Even: Same as if he had a regular orgasm. He will not be told the result.

3. Shilo unlocking and showering, and me orally pleasuring him for 5-10 minutes. (This doesn't usually result in an orgasm for him)

4. Shilo unlocking and showering, and then masturbating while I watch him. Same rules as #2 above if he reaches orgasm.

5. Shilo unlocking and showering, and I hand him a die. if he rolls odd, he can choose from any of the above (more to be added later)  If he rolls even, he locks back up and gives me my regular "Daily O."

So, there it is: The treats, without the envelopes.

The only thing I neglected to mention here is that I will know which option is available on any given week, and he will have the choice of taking the activity or not without knowing which one is offered. Also, after agreeing to the unknown activity, he will roll a die. If it's 1-3, the activity will not happen, if he rolls 4-6, the activity will happen. This way, I also get a little build-up as well.

Goodnight! I'm off to bed!