When I wrote "Gangbangs and Other Things That Go BUMP! In The Night"
it was my way of mentally processing everything that had been
discussed, and also to make it clear that my experience, while vast to
some, was barely scratching the surface, and that I wanted to admit my
ignorance in some areas of the sexual realm. I also wanted to share that
I'm not perfect, and I had misjudged some sexual practices out of
ignorance and preconceived notions. I'm not into using 'slut shaming'
for my brothers, sisters and others who enjoy tasting out of the more
hedonistic menu. I even admitted that I had tasted out of the more
hedonistic menu at times, but I had resisted some things, based solely
on the name of those items without actually trying them. I admitted to
stopping keeping count of sexual partners from my past. Not necessarily
out of shame, but more from realizing how inconsequential many of them
had been. I know how many people Shilo has been with (about 5) and how
many women Stitch has been with (I'm #3) I believe my Boyfriend has been
with several inconsequential people as well, and I don't care about the
number. To me, the only one who "counts" is the woman I consider to be
his Primary. Yes, I know about the ex-wife and etc. but please allow me
my peace of mind. Anyway, I admit to having many NSA relationships when I
was younger.
When I began dating Stitch in 2004, I was damaged from a recent crime
that put me into full-blown PTSD and I was afraid of my own shadow. It
unfortunately wasn't my first experience, and PTSD really can suck the
life and joy out of you. He was slow and patient with me. I told him
about my submissive and explained that my BDSM practices had nothing to
do with sex. We made an agreement on my Polyamory that was my
idea and stuck to it. Yes, we've altered it over the years to include
certain others like Shilo and the Boyfriend (The Boyfriend really does
deserve a better Title, doesn't he?) but the basics are still there
regarding how I go about adding others, meeting Stitch (and now Shilo as
well) and my purposely complicated approval process for sexual partners
that I made up for my emotional protection. Just under our 2 year
dating mark, the Boyfriend told me he wanted to jump through those
hoops. I admire him for his perseverance. Did I mention that his
Primary was the one who encouraged him to do so? She's a real gem, and
I'm happy to have her in my life.
NSA sex (intercourse) with men was a part of my long ago past, but
that was long ago. I officially kissed it goodbye when I made that
agreement with Stitch, although it had been a long while since I
actually did it by the time I was dating Stitch. In fact, I dated him
for 10 months before we actually "did the deed." Like I wrote above, I
was damaged. I think that we're all caught up now.
So in the early morning hours of Tuesday, February 7th, I completed my blog "Gangbangs and Other Things That Go BUMP! In The Night."
I had a snack, and since Shilo works modified graves, I called him at
work to tell him I had written something and that I wanted feedback. He
surprised me by telling me that he had already finished reading it. I
started to ask him how he felt about it, completely forgetting that he
wasn't alone. We agreed to discuss it in the morning when he came home,
and we discussed it for what felt like a long time, and he finally
stopped me by telling me his views on me and sex. Below is the "Reader's Digest" Edition:
I Love you. I know you Love me. I know nothing will change
that, and as long as you come home to me and Stitch, I'll be happy. I'm
secure in our relationship, and I know that nothing will change that.
Sex is just sex.
It blew my mind. I had been so totally worried about this, my head
all tied up in knots over what I thought his reaction would be, and
instead he wound up reassuring me. That didn't last very long though,
because the sneaky asshole (and I mean it in the nicest way possible)
decided to talk to Stitch about it while driving him home in the
afternoon without even asking or informing me of his intentions. In
other words, I was ambushed!!! I was not
pleased! Yes, I know that if Shilo hadn't done this, it would have just
sat in the back of my mind. Shilo can be a real instigator, much like a
yappy dog nipping at my ankles. He gets things done, whether I like it
or not.
I glowered at Shilo knowing that I was going to be giving him what
was as of that moment, a well-deserved spanking before he left for work.
No doubt he will argue whether or not it was deserved, but he got it
anyway.
Shilo decided to go back to bed so I could talk to Stitch, who was
teasing me mercilessly over this thing, and I was totally unprepared. I
decided that the best thing I could do was show him the blog entry so he
could read it and then ask questions.That's not what happened. Instead,
he told me he was okay with it. I stopped him and told him he has no
say in it. What??? No say???!!! Why???
Why would Shilo have a say in this and not Stitch? I told Stitch he
unknowingly gave up his right when he decided at his 60th Birthday
nearly 2 years ago to stop all sexual contact with me.
This is where the healing comes into play. I know what I told Stitch
was cruel and unfeeling, but he needed to know what I felt. He rejected
me. He treated me like I was no longer the woman he desired. Love is
wonderful, yes, but merely telling me that he Loves me isn't enough.
He's not impotent. He just stopped approaching me for sex. I'm a woman, I
want to feel desired. I need
to feel desirable. It was like he was throwing me to the wolves. Until
my relationship with Stitch is on track, I cannot in good conscience
engage in intercourse with other men, especially in an NSA way. I
reminded him that he will probably statistically live another 20 years,
and then I asked him if he wanted to spend it with me. I knew the
answer, but I needed to hear it.
This isn't about sex at all. It's about Love and Respect for your
Partner. It's about communication. It's not a complaint, it's a knock
upside his head. A taste of reality. He/We need to work on our fucked-up
relationship. He has to make an effort. Otherwise I will only be filled
with guilt. I place value on my relationships. I haven't given him a
deadline. I know I can't "force" him to do something he doesn't want to
do, but my sincere hope is that he really Loves me and truly desires
me. I promised him years ago that I'd never leave him and that I would
always take care of him as long as I was alive. I told Shilo that before
we got emotionally involved. Shilo accepted Stitch, Stitch accepted
Shilo. Now it's time for Stitch to make that commitment to me.
Does this mean that I will never have sex with Shilo or the
Boyfriend? I didn't say that. Those relationships are established.
There's no need for them to be adjusted. Does this mean I won't start
another intimate relationship with a male out of my extended polycule?
Pretty much! Does this mean that I'll never experience a gangbang? I
don't know. A whole bunch of that depends on what Stitch decides to do.
Besides, right this moment, it's in the thinking stage. Even if things
were perfect, it may or may not happen.
Just in case anyone has misinterpreted my recent writings, things
aren't bad. I do have periods of anxiety and occasionally feel removed,
but I like to think of it as a coping mechanism that I use to get
through the temporary insanity around me.
For the past week, I've been using my left arm to paddle Shilo's ass
to a lovely shade of bright pink twice a day with few exceptions. My
control of the heavy paddles is getting so good that I'm considering
pulling the canes out for action this weekend.
I made an appointment with my piercer to remove most of my jewelry on
Saturday evening in preparation for Sunday's MRI. Also, Shilo won't
have to miss football on Sunday after all. My boyfriend and his girlfriend generously
offered to take me for my exam, so it's one less worry. It's been a LONG time since I saw his girlfriend, so I'm really excited.
It also looks like Stitch found someone to handle the necessary
gardening on Saturday afternoon, so one less worry. It's all kind of
falling into place. Now I just need to get my sleep schedule back on
track. It's nearly 3:30AM PST and I'm still awake!
We've almost made it through the first month of 2017. I'm
sitting here wondering if I'm uninspired by my life as it is, or simply
unfocused. Don't get me wrong, plenty of stuff is going on, whether
outwardly or behind the scenes, and unless I put it here, it simply goes
into my (rapidly fading) memories. I'm not feeling a sense of urgency
to talk or even write about stuff that mostly makes sense if you are
present in the moment. I could twist it into funny anecdotes, even
kinky anecdotes, but why bother? Apathetic is a good word for this.
I've reached homeostasis in my life. Every system is predictable. Just
where it should be. My "road" isn't "bumpy", it's paved and straight as
far as the eye can see. There are a few places coming up where I might
turn, like an interesting looking diner or two with an unknown menu,
but even though they are getting closer, I'm not feeling the urgency
that I normally would. Don't let the calm demeanor fool you. I'm totally
out of control. It's a self driving car, and I'm snugly buckled up in
the passenger seat. I can yell STOP!!! all I want to, but it's not like it's going to stop just because I want it to.
Since I can't quite tell you where I'm going, I'll share where I've
been. January 16th, I saw my Ortho doctor using my new insurance plan.
He ordered New PT because my new coverage didn't cover my old PT. He
also ordered an MRI. Neither of them are things I'm looking forward to. I
got a call Friday to (finally!) set up those appointments. Because I'm
physically unable to drive (trust me, I tried and I frightened myself!) I
have to depend on Shilo, and his schedule (graves) affects when I can
go anywhere, and if you keep in mind that I have his time limits, plus
the ones imposed by the places I need to be seen, it's a scheduling
nightmare. My MRI is on Sunday the 5th. I use google calendar, so I put
it in and sent Shilo (who was dead asleep) an email. He neglected to
write Superbowl on that day, so I forgot. 6 hours later, he asked me why
I would plan something on Superbowl Sunday. Maybe because it wasn't on
the calendar? I'm not a mind reader, and every day melts into every
other day unless I schedule something. I only know it's Saturday or
Sunday because Stitch is here, and there's the Wednesday alarm to move
the car for street cleaning, and Thursday to unlock the gate so the pool
can get cleaned. A few weeks ago, when Shilo had the plague, I moved
the car. That convinced me once and for all
that I cannot drive the car. The Super Bowl can get recorded on the
DVR. Problem solved! The next day, I get my new PT assessment. A week
later (2-13) I see the Ortho doctor again to discuss my options in
detail. Am I the only one who is disturbed that it will have been 4
weeks since he ordered everything until I see him again? Or, rather,
that I had to wait 3 weeks for everything to be taken care of? Then I
remind myself that my copay is only $10, so maybe I have no right to
complain. Driverless car, here I go!
I also saw my GP last week on Monday (1-23) for a routine appointment
to check my labs (blood sugar and A1c) and as I've said before, I
dropped about 40 pounds since my accident, so he couldn't say I've been
misbehaving, but I also know that I'm not taking my metformin the way
I'm supposed to (once a day instead of twice) so I told him that before
he could even discuss the numbers with me, my numbers, in case you're
wondering, were good. Right where he wants them, and my blood pressure
is good as well. I was almost breathing that sigh of relief when he
asked about my frozen shoulder and how that was progressing (going
nowhere fast crossed my mind) and I told him I was off the opiates and
NSAID's for pain. I was going to leave it at that, but Shilo asked me if
I was going to "come clean". I smiled tersely at Shilo, and told my
doctor about using edibles, which turned into a discussion about CBD's,
THC and smoking. He asked me if I get high, and I told him that I have
no pain, but never feel high. Thankfully, Shilo said nothing about that
one episode. I'd rather forget it if I could. Live and learn. It turns
out that my doctor is very open-minded about the benefits of medical
marijuana, and he said it was better than me taking pain medications
every 4 hours around the clock.
I haven't had that discussion with my Ortho doctor, and I'm avoiding
it if possible. He seems rather old-fashioned, and having that
discussion might prevent me from having the treatments I need. We'll see
what happens in February.
The House I live in has been sold. The company that purchased it is
working with us to assist us in relocating. Shilo has been handling
business, so I'm only told what I need to know. I've been really calm
about this since I found out a few weeks ago, It's easy to be calm
when you realize everything going on around you is completely out of
your control. I'm still the Dominant, Mistress, and Head of Household,
but my job is to heal and make decisions if necessary, and the decisions
are being made for us. I'm strangely removed from all this. Saying
"Okay" has become second nature. I'm being taken care of. No panic, just
waiting for it to come.
Speaking of being removed, there was an upheaval where I receive my
mental health care. In the past year, I've had 3 changes in
therapists/psychiatrists. Normally, changes would put me in a tailspin,
but with the way 2016 was, it barely registered with me. Other than my
long-term doctor retiring in January last year, I never really formed an
attachment with any of the people. I mean, how could I even begin to
trust someone who might not be around the next time I had an
appointment? In December, I was given what will hopefully be a permanent
doctor. I saw him yesterday for the second time, and while he's not
unpleasant, all he wants to know is if I need refills on my
antidepressant. I spent less than 10 minutes in his office which was
long enough for me to tell him I was fine on the antidepressants, the
house was sold, and I felt oddly removed from it all, but I wasn't
depressed. He seemed satisfied and reminded me to make an appointment on
my way out. He seems even more removed than I feel. It would be a lie
for me to say I don't care, because I do, but not enough for me to make a
scene in a mostly unoccupied Mental Health Clinic. I did think to tell
him that I've been on the same medication since 1997, and that it works,
and that if I ever have a problem, I'll call him, so please if I call
for him to realize it's serious. He barely glanced at me, but at least
he pronounces my unusual name correctly, so I can't complain. ::YAWN::
OTHER STUFF
I really am mostly pain free with the edibles, although because I
have a really sharp sense of smell, I'll tell you that I reek of pot,
but I'm the only one who can smell it. My right arm movement is limited,
but I've mastered the use of using paddles with my left arm, and Shilo
is back to receiving funishment spankings. We even filmed over the
weekend. A friend cut my hair last week, so now I can do almost all my hair
care with minimal assistance. When I showered Monday morning, other
than the shampooing, I stood up and did it without asking for help to
get scrubbed. The chair is in there if I need it, but I'm trying to be
as independent as possible. I also attended the munch in Lake Forest
this past Friday night. My kink activities will be limited to weekends
until I'm able to drive again, or deemed "recovered" whichever comes
first, but I'm not holding my breath.
I also spent Saturday going through all the things I inherited from Daddy W. His ex-wife brought it to me a week after he died, but I
was in so much pain then that I barely remember what I had been given. I
guess she kept his knife collection, but I have his paddles, favorite
floggers, a neon wand, and other goodies.
I guess I'm inspired and focused after all. It's just that I am in a
position where I'm not in the driver's seat, and there's someone driving
for me, but the driver changes frequently. Insurance company, Ortho
doctor, GP, Shilo, the real estate people. Yadda yadda, yadda...
Also, because I know they will see this, I miss my boyfriend and his girlfriend. Hugs and kisses to them!
Let me
start by saying that this wasn't a horrible week at all; however, the
rain and cold has made me stiff and uncomfortable. I committed myself to
only use/take edibles between the hours of 8AM to 5PM so I could avoid
adverse interactions between it and my current medications. I also avoid
edibles when I see my Ortho doctor, so he can see where my pain level
is and my abilities without the benefit of pain relievers. Enough
background.
I saw my Ortho doctor a week ago (Monday morning) and presented him
with the report from my Physical Therapist. Because of my new coverage,
seeing him was only $10 vs. $60, so that was a plus. The x-rays he took
showed just a faint line where the break on the ball area of my humerus
was, and a slightly bumpy area where the break between my elbow and
shoulder was. The bone healed nicely in spite of the severity of it. I
consider that a plus. Unfortunately, my inability to use my right arm
properly due to the frozen shoulder and possible nerve damage still
means I have a long recovery ahead. Options were discussed.
Did I mention that I have come to hate the term/word "Options?"
Options used to be a nice word. Coffee or tea? Cake or pie? Cook dinner
or go out? Walk or drive? Nowadays, Options consist of choosing the
least disagreeable choice of two unpleasant choices. Do we stick in a
long needle and give me a cortisone injection, or do we go in and do
arthroscopic surgery and break up the scar tissue? Honestly, neither one
sounds fun, but the chicken in me likes the idea of getting the surgery
done. I'm already in pain, so the idea of being "out" while it gets
fixed once and for all just seems more pleasant. I've been told that
cortisone injections are the preferred method, but I'm more scared of
the needle than being cut open. The first few days and weeks after the
accident I was in so much pain that I was screaming in pain and crying
constantly. I don't go into hysterics, the tears just keep rolling
down. I'm a silent crier. It's a way of self-preservation for me. If
I'm not heard, I can't be found (Don't ask) Sunshine will sob loudly,
but not me. Yeah, so those are the ugly options.
Not so fast! Before either of the options can be done, I will need an
MRI and more PT. Because of the new coverage, I don't know how long it
will be until the MRI or PT will be scheduled, but I'm not holding my
breath. It seems it all has been a case of hurry up and wait. In the
meantime, I see my GP for a routine visit this afternoon. It should be
fun. I'll try to be better about my updates.
Let's start with the Insurance. Calling it "Insurance woes"
isn't exactly right, but it's easier to write than Insurance confusion.
Go far enough back in my writing, and you'll discover nearly everything
about my annoying preexisting medical conditions (diabetes, sleep apnea
and others) You'll also find out about my accident in late July, and all
the resulting problems and complications. 2016 wasn't kind, and I'm
truly hoping for a better 2017 in spite of how much of the problems
from 2016 have followed me into 2017.
Let's go back to that pesky medical insurance. My PT was ordered by
the Orthopedic Specialist in hopes that my frozen shoulder (a result of
my right humerus being broken in TWO places and a
complication related to my diabetes) would improve. Every visit to the
Orthopedic Specialist or PT cost us (the Household) $60. I was supposed
to go to PT three times a week, and I saw the Orthopedic Specialist
around five times last year. You can do the math. Well, when I went to
my first PT appointment, my Physical Therapist looked at my copay, and
reduced my appointments to once a week. Still, this meant that Shilo had
to take on extra shifts at work to fund this. He didn't mind, because
my health was always a priority for him, and he walked into our
relationship knowing full well about my health at that time. I was
actually going into liver failure at the time due to NAFLD. (http://www.liverfoundation.org/abouttheliver/info/nafld/) I hadn't been diagnosed with diabetes yet, that came as a surprise later. Let's just say he knew everything,
and he accepted me and all my baggage, including my 5 adult children
and Stitch. Anyway, you get the picture. The cost of my 4 prescriptions
a month ($180) and CPAP supplies ($600 a year) and that's just me. I went from being self-sufficient to a
burden overnight due to my accident. Visits to my GP were another $40,
and I went about 4 times last year. Then there were the ambulance and ER
charges etc. from the accident (too much to quote here) Fortunately
those last charges were billed, so it wasn't straight out of pocket at
the moment. We'll be paying that off for years to come.
We've established that even with medical insurance, I'm expensive. I
had also become a burden, because I lost my independence. I needed help
using the bathroom, eating, dressing, bathing, hair care, Everything.
Neither Stitch or Shilo complained, even when things got ugly. They
preserved my dignity as much as possible, cleaning me as often as I
needed, dressing me up, and Shilo drove me wherever I needed to go. All
with minimal complaint. Fortunately, due to the PT, I can now take care
of nearly everything independently, except I still need my hair washed,
and the occasional help getting dressed and putting on shoes and socks.
I can't scrub my back using the brush without help and I have a long
way to go. More on that later...
So, in November, in the midst of all this confusion, Stitch was given
the opportunity to add me to his new Medical Insurance with no extra
cost to him. The best news was that ALL doctor/medical visits would only
cost $10 effective January 2017. Even the cost of my medication would
go down to just over $20 month for all of them! At one point, my medication was costing us $180 a month. This was a reason to celebrate!
So, Monday morning was my final PT appointment before I see my
Orthopedic Specialist on Monday morning next week. I was so excited
about having to only pay $10 instead of the usual $60. Well... until I
was told my new insurance didn't cover the PT provider because it was
out of network. Fortunately, I still have the other coverage for
another month, so I was able to pay $60 and get my final appointment and
assessment. I need the surgery (DUH!!!) because my
Range of Motion is still lacking in many areas. I could originally lift
my arm straight up to 90 degrees, and now it's up to 115 degrees, so
that's a huge improvement for me, but it means I can't reach above my
head with my right arm, and I'm too young to be this limited. Also, my
right elbow can't flex outwards at all, and trying makes me cry.
Nevermind that any BDSM play is next to impossible if I use my right
arm.
Well, after the news about my PT provider being out of network, I
realized that there might be further problems, because my Orthopedic
Specialist might not be in my network either. I tried the website, but
it was increasingly frustrating for me, so I gave in and called and
spoke to Customer Service. The first option was to see if I could get
Continuity of care. NOPE! Next step was to see if the new insurance had
my soon to be ending HMO available. Another NOPE! The final option was
to see if they had any HMO available with my PCP and Orthopedic
Specialist in the same network. YES!!! All this
confusion took only 20 minutes to solve, but I felt like it had taken
much longer. I called there on the verge of tears, but the
Representative was so polite and patient with me that I soon relaxed,
because for the first time in quite a while, I felt like this woman
cared about my medical concerns. I was the priority, not the Insurance
Provider.
My next step was to call my PCP and tell them about my new Insurance
coverage and request an expedited referral to my current Orthopedic
Specialist because of my new Insurance. It had to be expedited due to
my appointment being in a week. My next step was to call my CPAP company
and change to my new Insurance info, and order supplies. I'm not sure
how much my coverage is, but my previous insurance didn't cover my
supplies. I'll find out how much the coverage is when my supplies
arrive.
I know that this isn't kinky in any way, but once I'm all better and
healed, I'll be able to do all sorts of kinky things, and there's
nothing kinkier than a woman who can do everything for herself.
Things are looking better and even though surgery will be necessary,
and many more months of PT, I won't be such a financial burden on my
Household, and that's the best I can ask for right now.
My youngest and his wife just had their second child (my first
grandson!) at 11:36AM PST on January 2nd. They named him Nyjah Justice
and he was 9lbs 6oz with a head full of dark hair. I'm happy and proud
for so many reasons, but the primary reason is because this time last
year they had been separated for 8 months and were on the verge of a
divorce. Jonathan's cancer enabled them to see how precious life was,
and they decided to try to work things out. I'm not sure if the
pregnancy was planned, but I know they're happy and that's all that
matters.
Kinkwise
I was feeling well enough to go out, so Shilo and Stitch got me ready
dressed and pretty for a NYE party at a local dungeon. I paddled
Shilo into the New Year, mostly using my left hand.
Home Issues
Things got settled concerning the repairs and who was going to pay
for them. Between needing a new water heater and having a gas leak
repaired under the house, I was a nervous wreck, but at least we got
past it. We're still looking for somewhere to move, but they must accept
Donna as part of the deal. Still holding out for a miracle so we don't
have to move.
Pain Management
I'm doing okay. Went to the dispensary 2 days ago to get more edibles, and discovered they were OUT.
I wasn't pretty. I wasn't angry, but I was desperate. Mostly because I
had found something that actually works. The bud tender suggested
Weedmaps.
Weedmaps has a listing of both doctors and dispensaries with user
reviews. Admittedly, most user reviews are useless unless you think
"Good chronic" is a review that's helpful, but I digress... What is
useful is that each dispensary has a "menu" which is extremely
helpful. Click on the dispensary, and you'll have the address and hours
it's open. Scroll down a little, and it will show the weed menu. I
don't smoke, so I click "ALL CATEGORIES" and choose EDIBLE. It will have
a list of all current edibles available at that spot. Highest priced
items on top. You can change it so lowest priced items are on top, or
you can search for a specific item using the search feature. I used that
and found a place nearby that had what I wanted (or so I thought) It
turned out it was a slightly different product when I got there, but I
bought several packages of it. I haven't had any ill effects, so I'm
happy. The strength was higher per item, so I have to take less.
Unfortunately, it took me 2 days to realize why I was sleeping all day,
but at least I wasn't tripping or high.
TLDR
New grandchild (my third!) but first grandson. I'm very happy.
Problems with my house aren't completely solved, but the immediate
problem/issue was solved. Still a little stressed, but hopeful it works
out.
I went to a dungeon and played for the first time since July. Sad I
didn't see more people I know, but I know GRUE is coming up so I
understand why. No GRUE for me this year.
I learned how to navigate a website to find dispensaries. I also learned to never run out of edibles and plan ahead.
I'm not intentionally airing dirty laundry, which is why most
people will remain nameless. 2016 finally did it! Today I received a
particularly depressing bit of news and reading it made me feel a
combination of sick, depressed, and scared. Honestly, it's not anyone's
"fault", although fingers could easily be pointed in every direction.
The following is a story of good intentions gone bad. In mid-2013,
acquaintances (a married couple) of mine had a series of unfortunate
events happen to them, and they had to move to a remote location.
Unfortunately, they couldn't find a buyer. Right about that time, Shilo
and myself were discussing wedding plans, and were looking for a house
that would fit Shilo, myself, Stitch, my dog (a lab) and our cats. The
house was perfect as far as space was concerned, so I put down a hefty
sized (for me) down payment and signed a 3 year lease option, fully
expecting that my finances would be perfect and I would be able to make
the purchase. I was told to treat the house like it was mine, and I
did. I painted, added a security door to the front, and did other things
over the first year. I got settled. I was happy. We "inherited" their
(the previous owners) two cats. We adopted Donna (our pitbull) from the
pound to keep our lab company. Unfortunately, our lab developed a
sudden health problem, and had to be euthanized a few months later.
Still, things were good.
About the middle of our second year, medical bills began to pile up
due to Shilo having digestive issues, and making ends meet became more
difficult. He was finally diagnosed with a gluten sensitivity. Shilo's
mother died in July 2015, which only added to our stress levels.
Last-minute plane tickets to Mississippi cleaned out our savings, and we
were living on credit we no longer really had. Jonathan was diagnosed
with cancer, I had a mini heart attack, and then Shilo broke his ankle
at a dungeon, and all that happened on October 2015! In November, I
injured my wrist, but fortunately, it was a sprain. December 2015
consisted of lots of ups and downs emotionally, as I continued to adjust
to being the only driver. Jonathan went through several death scares,
and I was buckling under the pressure. I'm human, and I realized that I
can't do it all. Through all of the insanity, I continued to make sure
we paid on the house, because I invested in it.
The endless windstorms in February 2016 caused our picket fence to
collapse and it was irreparable. Cleaning up the mess wasn't my idea of
fun, but I did it with the assistance of Stitch. In March, Shilo finally
got better, and Jonathan got a bone marrow transplant. By late April,
Jonathan developed graft vs. host disease and norovirus and I became his
primary mode of transportation. Bills continued piling up, and my
credit, Stitch's credit, and Shilo's credit was shit. Suffice to say, I
could see the future, and it wasn't so bright, and I kept hoping things
would improve. Only it got worse.
The end of July, I broke my humerus in two places, and, once again, I
was taken by ambulance to the hospital. That injury disabled me. I was
(and still am) completely unable to drive, and I required assistance for
everything else. A week later, the refrigerator died. We tried to get
it fixed, but were told that we should just buy a new one. We decided
that renting would be easier. By early September the bone healed, but
pain control was difficult, and I was unable to do my PT exercises and
couldn't figure out why. 7 weeks later, near the end of October, my
Ortho doctor explained that I had a frozen shoulder, which was a
complication related to my being diabetic. I was sent to PT three times a
week at $60 a visit. Shilo started working OT to pay for it. My
prescription (narcotic) medicine for pain wasn't working either, but
you all know that story.
In the meantime, at the end of September, we received an email
reminding us that our three years were up, and we had to do something
about purchasing the house we could no longer buy due to everything. We
went through the motions of getting a home loan, and were denied. Lost
doesn't begin to describe how we were feeling, and because of my injury
and pain not getting better, I left everything up to Shilo.
Normally, leaving things affecting me up to Shilo works well. What I
didn't know as that if it affects him as well, he's like a deer in the
headlights. Things only got worse. Partly because of that, and also
because the washing machine finally died as well. Again, it was
suggested by the repair company that we buy a new one. We opted to use
the laundromat instead.
We also kept looking for a buyer for the house, which has been a
difficult prospect, although there might be a light at the end of the
tunnel. Then, two weeks ago, our water heater wasn't working, so we
bought a new one, expecting that we would be reimbursed, but it still
wasn't working, so the gas company shut off our gas on Christmas eve. It
turned out there was a gas leak UNDER the house, so we
got that fixed as well, still expecting to be reimbursed. I thought
Shilo was keeping everyone informed as it happened, but now it seems
that the owners are not only getting a divorce (which makes me sad) but
the male of the couple feels that Shilo was slow about informing him on
what was going on.
I'm honestly not sure how to feel at this point, other than what I
described at the beginning of this. While I understand that that that
the male is no doubt going through a difficult time, it feels like he is
blaming us for everything that happened, and he expects us to not only
pay for the repairs (totaling nearly 2 months rent!) but also our rent.
Or, at least that's what I gathered from his last email.
I'm trying not to panic, and there's so much more details I could get
into, but all I see is huge brick wall on front of me. I'm hoping
things improve.
No, this isn't a commercial, nor have I joined an
"Anonymous" group. This is just a break from discussing my health and
pain relief. I hope you learn something or at least enjoy it.
I really love so many people, and I feel blessed to be loved by
others, whether or not sexuality is involved. Many of the people I love
are polyamorous, some are monogamous, and others avoid using a label. I
have wonderful people that I consider to be friends, and many others
that I haven't met in person that I care about, and even more that I
have met and care about. I've even gone so far as to meet people from
here that have interested me. I feel enriched by each and every one of
them. ALL of you.
Still, I don't get out as often, and, for many of you, it's been months or even years
since we were in the same place at the same time. This doesn't mean
that I don't think of you or wish you well. In fact, I'd venture to say
that I wish we saw each other more often. Circumstances often prevent
it. Sometimes distance as well. I already know I can't go to GRUE LA,
but I will be there in spirit.
I don't always express my feelings very well, and my social anxiety
will often prevent me from expressing them at all. It means that I often
miss out on getting to know people better, or even developing
friendships. I don't reach out when I should, and people aren't mind
readers. If the other person has social anxiety as well, then we both
miss out. I can't expect others to come to me either.
I'm also not very good at asking for help, so for each of you who
either helped me in some way or offered help, I want you to know again
how much I appreciate you. For the ones who gave me "tough love" I'm
glad you did. For anyone who didn't take no as an answer and pushed
through to my tender spot and held my hand and reassured me, I'm proud
to call you friend.
If I could, I'd hug each and every one of you. Know that you are a
blessing in my life, even if we don't agree. There's enough room and
love in this world for all of us. I hope every one of you finds your
happiness.
If you are offended by Religion (in general) what happens to a body
when someone dies, terrorists (in general). Love or loss of body
function, please leave now. I got nothing for you.
It was bound to happen eventually. Using edibles for pain requires
trial and error. My morning routine of starting with breakfast and a
sour strawberry straw was only working until about 3PM, and then I would
eat a cola bottle to get me through the rest of the day, and it wasn't
quite working. I was debating this yesterday when I woke up. I figured
I'd see how I did with two sour strawberry straws (about 36mg) and go
from there.
I got my edible bag (a purse that has my edibles in it) and noticed a
caramel fudge that was 35 mg. I decided to eat it. I mean, what harm
could there be? I put the sour strawberry straws away, and ate the
caramel fudge instead. It tasted good. I played games on my phone
waiting for it to work.
About an hour later, it happened. My vision got blurry, my body got
warm, and my face was numb. The warmth kept washing over me, and my
heartbeat skyrocketed. I thought I was going to die. I know
that I'd have to consume more than I could possibly eat to actually
overdose, and even then, it wouldn't kill me. I even knew it at that
point, but my heart was pounding so hard, I was afraid.
I remember saying that I didn't want to die yet because I want to see
my (overdue) grandson first. I put on my CPAP to help me breathe, and
then I asked Shilo what would happen if I stopped breathing. Then I said
"Nevermind, my lungs will just fill with air and then explode in my
chest cavity." Then I went on about how when I died my mouth would pop
open, so the air would rush out through it, and how it was a good thing I
had on a diaper because I didn't want to piss and shit on the recliner
and ruin it.
Then the inquisition started. The best way to explain it was that
questions formed in my head about my life, and I had to answer out loud.
I said That I believe in God, and I explained my belief regarding The
Father, Son and Holy Ghost. I explained that I also believe that Satan
is as real as God is, and that I believe in Heaven and hell. I asked
about purgatory, and I said that I feel earth is purgatory, but I wasn't
sure. I didn't get an answer.
I was asked about love. Could I feel enough love for everyone? Could I
really forgive everyone, and find love in my heart for them? I found
the forgiveness for everyone, including myself. Then I told them that
since my Mom could do it, I could too. I even went on to say that I knew
(person) asked forgiveness for the mean way she acted towards me, so I
could forgive her and love her as well. I said that everyone who died
before me had gone through this, and I knew it was the only right thing
to do. I let go of my anger.
I saw where I held certain people to a standard that I have only
recently reached myself. How dare I be angry at Jonathan's (now-ex)
girlfriend for what she did, when I've done things I'm not proud of
either? I remembered all the things I did and I explained why I did
them, and how I could have handled it better.
I discussed that I realized how fortunate I was to be where I am.
Soldiers aren't gunning down people in the street, and we aren't being
bombed. Girls aren't being forced to marry and have kids before they're
12.
I asked Shilo what time it was, and was surprised it had only been 10 minutes. It felt like HOURS.
I went back to the inquisition. I said "God knows I'm not perfect." and
then I laughed, because for all I knew, it was God asking the
questions.
I talked about my mental health, and how I hated being treated like I
was fragile just because of the depression, PTSD et.al. I hate that
there is a stigma. Why not just accept the mental illness? See the whole
person. Don't be afraid.
I talked about my fears. I realized I was less afraid by telling my
fears. It got to the point I laughed after saying the words "I'm
afraid." The truth is that because I believe on God, God watches over
me, so I don't have to be afraid.
I talked about prayer and I explained that I felt it must be like being an "A list" celebrity. Everyone
wants a piece of you. You have no privacy. All the millions of
requests coming in at once. Why should I bother God with my concerns
when there are so many people who are suffering more than me?
I was reminded that I need to stop being so selfish. "See the big picture, think globally." How do my actions affect others?
I talked about Osama bin Ladin,terrorists, ISIS, and people in other
hate groups. How we all had different world views and that just because I
viewed him as a horrible human being (just like Hitler) it didn't mean
that everyone saw him like that. Surely, someone must have loved and
admired him, and maybe even saw him as a hero. I talked about criminals
in general and how I have no sympathy for them. They deserve punishment,
but I also admitted that God is the Judge, not me.
I talked about "lizard-face" (Mohamed Atta) and how to me, he
represented all that was evil on this world. I talked about "If you see
something, say something" and how ridiculous it was. I joked about how I
doubted he would have tweeted his plans, or added it as a status on
Facebook or MySpace. I speculated that he probably only discussed it
with people who would approve. Otherwise, wouldn't his plans have been
thwarted? Never learning how to land a plane is a red flag.
I talked about romantic/sexual Love, desire, BDSM and Polyamory.
About what my love style is, and how it came to be. Things I know God
knows about me, but I was told to talk about it.
I asked about why submissive men worry so much about what they're
wearing to a dungeon when it won't even be worn that long before someone
takes it off. I never got any answers to my questions, but I got
answers about what makes me me, and I saw all the love I really do have,
and how easy forgiveness is when you know that everyone will get to go
through it. It's easy to forgive when you know they asked for
forgiveness with a pure heart, and knowing that if their heart wasn't
pure, it was up to God. What mattered at that moment was the purity of
my heart.
Sunshine came out a few times and complained that she was sick. I
went through so many feelings, but late last night when I finally felt
somewhat normal, I realized that having enough love in my heart for
everyone, and forgiving them was important. Even more important, I need
to forgive myself. Think globally. That was the message I got from my
inquisition.
On a more practical note, I learned that I need to only eat predictable things.
This was written over a 12 hour period with frequent
breaks. My pain level is going down. Also, because pain is a subjective
thing, and it affects my ability to do things, I added my personal pain
scale for future reference. No matter what my pain level is, I can be
nice and polite to people other than Stitch and Shilo. The last thing I
want to do is alienate people who have a choice in putting up with me.
On to my report:
For anyone who read my experience on obtaining my medical marijuana
prescription, you know my experience at the dispensary was overwhelming.
Fortunately, a kinky friend ("N") offered to take me on a field trip to a
dispensary near my home and talk me through the process of choosing
edibles. Since Long Beach only has delivery available, I did my homework
and found a walk-in dispensary.
I had taken the time to read the reviews on Weedmaps and found a
dispensary in Wilmington with a rating of 5 out of 5. It even had a menu
of available products with pictures of them. "N" arrived on early
Friday afternoon (12-23) I was dressed and ready to go, but I was stiff
and in pain (9) because I had finished the last of my edibles on
Thursday afternoon. This only further proved that medical marijuana is a
miracle drug for me.
So, armed with the address, our prescriptions, and a GPS, we headed
to parts unknown. We drove back and forth twice and we couldn't find the
place. We parked about 2 blocks away and walked. We quickly discovered
why we missed it. It was a white door with
just the street number on it. No name, just the number. We would have
never found it by driving, so it was a good thing we decided to park and
walk.
We walked in, presented our ID's and prescriptions, and filled out
paperwork. Once we were cleared, we entered the main part of the
dispensary. It had all sorts of products, and I know that I would have
become overwhelmed by it all if I had been alone. Because "N"
was with me, she was able to point out the edibles, distract the
employee from trying to sell me "flower" and I wasn't overwhelmed and I
was able to ask questions. The employee seemed impressed by her
knowledge and allowed us to just look and discuss the various edibles.
He was much more knowledgeable than the person at the dispensary I went
to before.
I'm currently on a limited budget, so I can only afford to spend $20-25 a week. I was able to bypass the Cheeba Chews
in favor of more appealing edibles. This time I bought cherry cola
bottle gummies (10 mg a bottle, 100mg altogether) and a paçkage of 20
sour strawberry straws with a total of 375 mg, and I spent only $22.
That should last at least 16 days depending on how much pain I'm in.I took "N" out for lunch and when I got home, I took 2 of the gummy bottles (20 mg) and gave "N" one. They had a slightly bad taste similar to the Cheeba Chews
but not as nasty. I decided that I would require a "chaser" to rid
myself of the bad taste. Because the pain was so bad, it took longer for
it to work.
On early Saturday morning, (8:30AM) I had a sour strawberry straw.
Within an hour I was pain free (level 0!) and able to move. I felt
normal for the first time in months! My range
of motion was improved as well. It lasted for about 8 hours, and other
than a little sleepiness, I felt so good that I cut up 4lbs of roast
into cubes for a stew without help! I did some modified exercises and
even hung decorations on the tree and the wreath on the door. After all
that, I went with Shilo to the 99 cent store and did some shopping. I
came home with a backache, (pain level 4) I had spent all day standing
up or at my desk on the computer. This is really an accomplishment! Also of note: My arm wasn't hurting.
At 5PM I ate one cola bottle gummy along with a "chaser" of cherry flavored skittles (a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down)
and I was good till I was ready to watch TV and go to sleep. (about
10:30PM) Something to note was that my arm was still at 0 for pain.
During the time I was up I made pizza crust from scratch and fixed 2
personal pizzas. I also sat at my desk and answered some emails and then
wrapped a gift. I'm a bit superstitious, so I won't take my
prescription medication within 6 hours of of having an edible so I took
my medication for my various conditions (no pain medication, even though
my back was hovering at a 4) about midnight. I woke up around 3AM for
an unrelated reason and noticed my arm pain level was at 3 (tolerable
enough to function, but very aware that I was hurting.) I was able to
fall back asleep with the aid of a movie on TV. I woke up at 7AM (seems
to be my "new" wakeup time) with my arm pain level at 7 and rising as I
sat up in the recliner. The back pain was gone. I ate breakfast and a
sour strawberry straw at 8:30. By then my pain was at 8 1/2 and I was
ready to be rid of it.
My Pain Chart
0- no pain. Able to move and function at my best and "push" myself
doing PT and exercises within my current physical limitations.
1- pain is slightly noticeable when I use my arm, but I can distract myself for short periods of time.
2- pain is moderately noticeable when I use my arm. More difficult to distract myself.
3- pain is tolerable enough to function, but I'm very aware of the pain even when not doing any activity.
4- pain is not nearly as tolerable, and I will avoid activity other
than what's necessary. I will stay in the recliner unless I must get up.
5- pain is constant, and it's difficult to function, but I don't ask for help.
6- I will mention I'm in pain and most activities are done using my
left hand if possible, or I might ask for help with some activities that
I can normally do on my own.
7- I'm visibly in pain. Activities are done using my left hand if possible, or I ask for help.
8- pain is visible, I get whiny and grouchy and ask for help with everything. Depression sets in.
9- the pain causes stiffness and I must have help including in the bathroom. I will try not to cry.
10- I'm in tears, unable to function, and unable to even think about the most basic things. I just feel like giving up.
11- I'm beyond the regular scale. I will scream in pain and cry
constantly. I'm unable to talk or be reasonable. I just want to die so
the pain will go away.
Ever since I fractured my humerus in two places (#1
halfway between the elbow and shoulder straight across. #2 The ball
portion of the shoulder straight down which was tiny but more serious.)
I've had issues with pain management. At first, the medication (50mg of
Tramadol every 8 hours) kept my pain level to a 3, but also put me to
sleep most of the time. When it hit the two week mark, my pain was at
an 8 with the Tramadol, so I added 500mg of naprosyn every 8 hours as
well. That meant I was up every 4 hours, taking either one or the other.
That kept me at 5 for about a week, but then it shot back up to an 8.
When my pain is at an 8, I can't concentrate, I'm irritable, and I cry.
(probably due to depression) Horrible thoughts go through my head as
well.
Several years ago, a dear (vanilla) friend got injured, and to cope
with the pain, she turned to alcohol and drugs. My mind went there many
times. "Take a shot or two of brandy, it won't hurt." I wasn't able to
drive (I'm still not) so I would invent ways in my head to get some, but
I never followed through. Still, my pain was at an 8, so I stopped
taking the medication altogether for about 10 days, knowing my tolerance
for the medication would decrease and it would work better. I went
10-14 days with the medication and 10 days off. Nobody should have to
live like that!
Getting a frozen shoulder as a complication due to my diabetes only
made things worse. I'd cry at PT, and spend the next 48 hours in my
recliner, only getting up to use the bathroom. I used Ben Gay, heating
pads, and take the pain meds. It was ineffective at best. My entire life
revolves around my pain and how it affects everyone around me. I'm
rarely pleasant, and it's difficult to be polite when I can't take a
shower without assistance. I understand. I know it's a horrible chore to
bathe me and wash my hair. I used to do that as a job in a rehab
center, and later, at an AIDS hospice. I was required to bathe my
patients daily, and I'm lucky if it gets done to me 3 times a week. (YUCK!!!)
Misery loves company, so I sometimes vent on my status update. I
guess it was a month ago, a friend suggested I try CBD for pain
management. This requires a prescription for medical marijuana in
California. I haven't smoked/used marijuana in about 35 years. I sat on
this and debated until about a week ago. I had a long detailed
discussion with Shilo and Stitch about what this would mean, and risks
associated with it for me. We agreed that the benefits outweighed the
risks. My next step was to google doctors who prescribed medical
marijuana. I found one that was semi-local to me, and he had good
ratings. The price for a visit wasn't horribly bad, so I made plans to
go on Friday. (12-16)
There were 2 other people in the waiting room when I signed in. I sat
and waited about 30 minutes. I had my most recent lab work with me
along with questions. Whenever I see a doctor, I expect a short exam
followed by questions. I also expect to see a live person who is
concerned with my well-being. Imagine my surprise when I was sat in
front of a computer and talked to a doctor via Skype! I was even more
shocked (appalled!) when he asked me how much pot I was currently
smoking! This guy was off to bad start already. His laughing and jokes
made me even more uncomfortable. He was even more surprised when I asked
him about edibles ("Don't worry, the people at the dispensary will
answer all your questions." WTF???!!!) I felt cheated. Is this how it's really done? He told me I'd get my blood pressure taken and that I was approved. All I could think was Well, THAT
was different! Then the receptionist told me that she didn't need my
blood pressure and I paid her and got my prescription that was good for
one year. Honestly, I'm surprised that there aren't stricter laws for
getting a prescription. Maybe I'm old school, but this was definitely
hinky.
I was kind of relieved that when we got to the dispensary a few miles
away it was tightly controlled. Still, she tried to sell me "flower"
(fancy term for the green stuff) Again, I discussed edibles, and she
showed me what they had. I bought something called Cheeba Chews
on her recommendation and 2 salted caramels because it looked good. I
know I only needed a little, so that was enough to last me a week.
My Assessment:
Seeing a doctor via Skype is just a little too weird for me. He was unprofessional, and I doubt I would ever return.
The Cheeba Chews is just nasty tasting, but it's effective. I won't buy it anymore.
I like the salted caramel, and I only need half of one to be pain free for most of the day.
I think I'd rather stick to buying small edibles vs. the large ones (cookies, brownies, crispy bars)
The dispensary is almost too overwhelming for me.
I really think I need someone who is more experienced to assist me in
picking out edibles that isn't an employee of the dispensary because
there are too many choices.
