A Partial Outing

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Something I Don't Talk About

I have a very violent past history that I usually choose to not share, simply because I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me or see me as being "fragile." The truth is, I have no need for those things. I am a survivor with PTSD that occasionally has very brief moments of light panic attacks that will occasionally turn into full-blown panic attacks. I have a wonderful support system, and, most times, I can get control long enough to remove myself from a situation. On the rare occasion it goes full-blown, I either get my "deer in the headlights" look, or I attack. If you know me, or spend time around me, I will remind you that I've warned you, and I cannot be held responsible for attacking when I feel threatened in the midst of a panic attack. My advice: Don't do it!

Unfortunately, it's not always that simple. The 4th of July, fireworks shows, and sex in a dark room are all triggers when it comes to my rape that occurred in 2004. There is also a smell, I don't normally mention that to anyone, except for those closest to me. He smoked a certain brand of cheap cigar that has a distinct odor to it. Let me mention here that I have an unusually good sense of smell. Even the faintest scent of this particular cigar brand will set off my panic receptors. I can and will react in an unpredictable manner. Fortunately, the people I spend time with prefer more expensive cigars, so it's not an issue.


On Thursday, I took my oldest to the DMV, and, like always, there was a line snaking outside the building. I don't mind standing outside, so I talked to him as we waited, and then it assaulted my senses. A cigar, that cigar, and it was somewhere close behind me. First I said it's name, and tried to stay calm. I mean, I'm in line outside the DMV with my 6 foot tall 31 y/o son who is strong enough to fight off anyone, and there's a security guard 50 feet away. I'm safe. But the smell only got stronger. I had to turn around and look. The funny thing is that the young man smiled at me when I turned around like he knew what I was searching for. I plastered on my biggest smile, and asked (like I didn't already know) "Is that a (name?)" He smiled again, and said 'yeah'. That was enough. I told my oldest I had to get something from the car, and hid in there for 15 minutes until my heartbeat and breathing went back to normal. When I returned, my oldest was close to the door, so I told him I'd wait inside.


I feel I handled it well. My oldest was clueless, and I didn't react, but it leaves me wondering if I'll always do that well under pressure. Is this a sign of things to come, or will I act unpredictably the next time? Maybe it's best not to worry about it. I fight my PTSD daily, and I cannot change my past, but I can learn how to get a better handle on things. I just keep telling myself that the danger is gone and I'm safe. It's all I can do.

The Phone Call

I can't say it was unexpected, or even really a surprise. I mean, he's been very heavy on my mind, and we have an interesting connection with each other. When we were together, many moons ago, he could finish my sentences. Not everyone could do that.

When my phone rang, and I saw it was him, I had an idea of what he was going to say. Still, I braced myself for the blow, but it never came. Oh, the words I knew were coming came, but they were delivered gently, almost sweetly. Instead of hurting, they were healing. It gave a closure that our previous episode never had. Maybe because he delivered the message and not the other way around. Maybe because in spite of my enjoyment of him, I knew it was temporary, and I wasn't as invested as the last time. Maybe because both of us are in a better place and state of mind. Yes, I want to analyze it. It's human nature to do so. My heart was open, but so are my eyes.

I wouldn't call him monogamous, but he does prefer one serious sexual-type relationship at a time, and because both of us had been hurt by our last go round, and he was fresh out of a relationship this time, I agreed that there should be no strings attached. Still, I worried that I would fall in Love all over again. Fortunately, it seemed that even though the years melted away, my heart was focused on protecting itself. We had a a session that was pleasant, but not overwhelming, and we made plans to see each other again. His MIL fell into bad health, my MIL got worse and died, so we kept postponing, until we agreed to not plan anything soon. That was 2 months ago.

It was just yesterday that thoughts of him entered my head, and I realized that I missed him, but I knew he wasn't going to come back. At least, not how we had discussed.So, the phone rang. I answered it, and I heard his words. I said I understand (I do) I said I wasn't hurt (I'm not) and I admitted that I hoped this time we wouldn't lose our friendship. He agreed. Will it really` happen that way? I honestly don't know, bit I do know that I will make my services available to him, and that "she" isn't into BDSM, so there's a chance it will wind up that we see each other. Do I really` want that? No, but only because I wish him all the happiness he can have in this relationship.

I have other things to focus on, so I'll go back to those. I wish you all the best Spike. I'll never forget the sweet way you delivered the news to me, and I thank you for your respect.
M

Awake On a Hot Summer Night

I'm laying in bed alone and I can't sleep and all I can think about is how much I long for his touch. Unfortunately for me, he is at work some 25 miles away. This means I'm suffering with no relief in sight. Masturbation is an exercise in futility for me, so I'm stuck laying here just fantasizing about what I want, and knowing I'm not going to get it anytime soon.

Shilo is not only miles away physically, but many many miles away mentally from me. We had a disagreement several days ago, and I'm not sure if he's still quietly stewing, or if he feels like I do. Full of desire,  and ready for anything.  I feel like lately he's just been looking for an excuse to avoid me by arguing or finding something inconsequential to be angry about. It makes me sad that I'm unable to solve this, and pretending that it doesn't hurt because I don't want to react in anger. I keep saying that I want my husband back, but it's almost like I'm speaking a foreign language that he doesn't understand.

I try to convince myself that this is a temporary situation, but I feel like I'm lying to myself so I don't fall apart. I mean, I can only try so hard before I give up and admit defeat. He says he Loves me, but this sure doesn't feel like it.  I feel unwanted, and it really suhus.  This isn't about sex, it's about tenderness and showing Love. I admit that I want sex at this moment, but that feeling is temporary. The desire to feel Loved is what will stay, and what is really missing. The emptiness and loneliness is unbearable.

How can I write a note of Love and desire when I'm so empty? How can I want when I'm surrounded by people who care? I don't have those answers. I just know my desire isy husband and no one else will do.

Alone With My Thoughts

I've spent many hours since my 'date' on Monday thinking about it. For anyone not in the loop, I've been seeing a vanilla guy for a few months now. I like him, I enjoy his company, and he's fun to be with. He knew sex (intercourse) was off the table, and he told me early on that he was fine with that due to ED. It was perfect as far as I was concerned. So... time and dates progressed, and I felt I wanted more. It all culminated on Monday with me inviting him to my home, and us kissing in the bedroom and graduating into him giving me orgasms via manual and oral stimulation. It was nice, more like okay, because I realized I just didn't have the emotional connection that i thought I did, and I took a big step by having him over. I know it sounds strange, but orgasms with no emotional connection means my pussy didn't get wet, and after he left, I felt empty, and I really couldn't talk about it or explain it to Shilo.

So, anyway, I'm just feeling empty, and a little used. But that confuses me. After all, I received oral sex and had the orgasms, but he got nothing and yet I feel used. I also feel stupid and guilty because this wasn't what I intended. It wasn't supposed to be this way, and even though I did nothing wrong, it just feels wrong. Maybe it's because I'm not in love with him, or maybe because I never intended for it to become sexual in any way. I mean, I'm not depressed, but I am unhappy with all this.

I don't even feel that I can talk about this with Shilo, because I'm afraid he will only turn this all against me, or maybe be more angry, and I don't want that. Yes, he knows what happened, but I never told him about this growing uneasiness. Still, I don't count this as a failure, but more of a learning experience. I mean, I'm still comfortable with the ides of meeting people, and maybe even dating, but perhaps I should add giving or receiving oral sex as a hard limit, at least when it comes to vanilla dating.

It could just be that I feel like this because vanilla guy hasn't contacted me since he left Monday afternoon. I guess my reasoning doesn't matter. I mean, I feel how I feel, and no amount of reasoning is going to make me feel better.

I guess it's time to step back and readjust myself. Count this as a lesson learned, and move forward, and then decide how I will handle this, because I at least owe vanilla guy an explanation of why I don't want to see him again.

The Envelope Please...

A few days ago, I made an offhand comment about using an envelope with an activity inside for those occasional Tuesday mornings when I'm awake and in a good mood, and Shilo is feeling energetic enough for some "fun" activity.

Much to my chagrin, and Shilo's (no doubt) lack of surprise, it's about 3AM on Tuesday and still no envelopes in sight. I fell asleep on the chair in the living room, and nothing got done.  I should mention that Shilo is probably unaware that I loaded the dishwasher while he slept on Monday afternoon. I'm not seeking 'brownie points' by any means, I'm more interested in rocking his world a little.

Shilo has been locked in chastity for 8 days now (Actually 7 days 10 1/2 hours, but who's counting? Oh yeah! He is!) and I'm pretty sure that when the device went on, he didn't expect it to be on for such a long amount of time. I suffer along with him. I mean, no intercourse for him, means no intercourse with him for me, and I happen to enjoy intercourse with him, so I do 'suffer.'

The tease and denial for him has been horribly cruel, with him removing the device, showering, providing me with a few orgasms via oral stimulation, and allowing him to enter me, thrust for maybe a minute or so (7 thrusts the first day, 15 the next. Yeah, I count) and then re-locking him. I cannot begin to tell you how torturous it's been for me, and I'm sure he feels the same.

Sooo... the (nonexistent) envelopes: I have no time or patience to do them now, but a quick preview should he happen to see this is as follows:

1. Triple treat for me while restrained (or not) until I pass out. This will require a slow build up, backing off, and building back up again. Not an easy task, but I know he's up for it.

2. Shilo unlocking and showering, giving WMS short of an orgasm if possible (I won't stop him, he'll have to stop on his own.) If he manages without an orgasm, he won't get "charged" with time off from chastity for doing so.  if he fails, and has an orgasm, I will add up to another week in chastity for him at my discretion. If he has a 'ruined orgasm,' I will roll a die. Odd: no additional days, Even: Same as if he had a regular orgasm. He will not be told the result.

3. Shilo unlocking and showering, and me orally pleasuring him for 5-10 minutes. (This doesn't usually result in an orgasm for him)

4. Shilo unlocking and showering, and then masturbating while I watch him. Same rules as #2 above if he reaches orgasm.

5. Shilo unlocking and showering, and I hand him a die. if he rolls odd, he can choose from any of the above (more to be added later)  If he rolls even, he locks back up and gives me my regular "Daily O."

So, there it is: The treats, without the envelopes.

The only thing I neglected to mention here is that I will know which option is available on any given week, and he will have the choice of taking the activity or not without knowing which one is offered. Also, after agreeing to the unknown activity, he will roll a die. If it's 1-3, the activity will not happen, if he rolls 4-6, the activity will happen. This way, I also get a little build-up as well.

Goodnight! I'm off to bed!

From The Heart

The following is an email I sent to my FIL today. I'm sharing it here because we so often forget about our parents and children as we get older. The names were changed to protect the guilty. 

Dear Dad,
I know the past few months have been so difficult for you, and if it was in my power, I'd remove the pain that both you and Shilo have gone through. I cannot begin to imagine what you've been through, because, while I've been through significant losses myself, I don't live in your mind, and since we all experience pain differently, I cannot say that I know how YOU feel, but I will say I've had similar circumstances in my life.

One thing is evident, and that is the Love you have for Mom. I saw it in your eyes when we all met the very first time, I heard it in your voice when you spoke to her, and your emails showed me all the more how strong your Love is. I speak in the present term, because Love never dies. Love continues on, even after we are no longer on Earth.

I feel blessed to have met both of you, and I recall telling Shilo how fortunate he was to have both his parents. How, even though he might go months without seeing you that he spoke to you as often as possible, sharing his life with the both of you. Very early in our marriage, when we came for Shilo's birthday, Mom took me out back in the garden and talked to me about many things, but what stuck with me were the words, "Merry, take very good care of Shilo. He's the only son we have left," I promised her I would, and I have. Shilo stopped smoking, and together, we're dealing with his health issues. Ask anyone who knows us, and they will tell you of the Love and concern we have for each other.
Well, those words Mom told me has stuck with me over the difficult year that Shilo has had health-wise, but it all came rushing to me when you called Shilo last week to tell him of Mom's death. As we held each other and cried, Mom's words suddenly had a new meaning. She was also reminding me that she was the only Mother Shilo has, and you're the only Father Shilo has. Yes, I know what it's like to lose your parents, and I understand his pain, although I don't know how he feels, because I'm not him. All I know is that I promised to be by his side, no matter what, and by going with him, I did what I promised, and, more importantly, I know it was what Mom would have expected of me.

I hope I wasn't an inconvenience to you. I did my very best to stay out of the way. I Love Shilo so very much, and I will keep my promises to him, and also to Mom. I know Shilo is different in many ways, and that's why I Love him so very much. He doesn't follow someone else's path, he makes his own. He's not like other men. He has a tenderness and gentleness that I've never seen before. He has strong opinions, much like you do, although they might sometimes be the opposite of yours, he gets that attribute from you. I see you in him, and I wonder if you do too. He Loves you so very much, but he doesn't know how to show it, and the words are so easy to say.

Shilo doesn't know about this email, He's asleep, but I promise you, I will take good care of him as much as I'm able to, because he's the only son you have, and I'm asking you to take good care of yourself, because you're the only Father he has. Both of you are suffering so much right now, but please don't fall in so deep that you forget each other.

Love,
Merry

So Much Heartache!

For the past few months, my FIL has been sending out email "blasts" to everyone in his address book about my MIL. I understand the need to do so, and it never bothered me. In fact, the only thing that bothered me was the people who clicked on "Respond to all" vs. "Respond." Mostly because I really don't want to read what others had to say.

So, as anyone reading this knows, my FIL called Shilo on Sunday morning to tell him my MIL had died. Monday morning, we received an email blast about a 'Celebration of life' on Friday. I mentioned this to Shilo, and he stated that he thought there was going to be a funeral on Oklahoma, so I had no reason to be concerned. (Okay dear, whatever you say...) So, late Monday afternoon, as Shilo was preparing for work, my FIL called him and asked if he received the email. (Why, yes I did... why?) It turns out that this is it, there will be no funeral on Oklahoma. Shilo stated of course he would be there, but he wanted (needed) me with him. I will stop here and say that if my FIL had died, my MIL would have (naturally) insisted that I come with Shilo, and wouldn't have had a second thought about paying for me. I do understand my FIL's distress, however, I was shocked when he told Shilo that he couldn't afford for me to come, in spite of Shilo stating how I felt she was a second mother to me because I was still mourning my mother when we met. I was very hurt by his refusal, but I did my best to understand.  Then there was the scramble for us to get enough money for me to go, ending with the bank's  refusal to raise my credit so I could buy a roundtrip ticket. It was just too much for me to handle. I was a sobbing mess. I just couldn't handle the thought of Shilo doing this on his own, and we all need someone when a parent dies, and I'm his someone.

I went in the bedroom crying, and Shilo woke up to the sound of me sobbing, as I told him I did everything I could, but it wasn't good enough.  Somehow, he has enough peace of mind to tell me that he'd figure out a way.  After looking at my available credit, and Stitch's available credit, Shilo suggested that I buy a one way ticket there using my credit card, and a one way ticket back using Stitch's credit card. It worked! I almost cried again. Yes, my emotions are a bit unstable right now.  I'm embarrassed to say that I told my therapist on the phone Monday that I was "okay." But, really, I was at that time. It wasn't until all the other stuff happened that I fell apart. Anyway, Shilo called his dad and told him I was coming too. I'm honestly not sure if I'm welcome, but I'm going because my husband needs me, and that's all that matters.

With this resolved, today was Shilo's appointment with the GI Specialist ($60 OUCH!)  He will FINALLY get the the necessary tests done, so I'm happy. I really do feel like a heavy weight was lifted off my shoulders. Also, on the way to the appointment, Shilo got a text from his boss that made me cry again. His boss arranged for a limo to not only take us to the airport in the morning, but also for a pickup on Saturday. I was really touched by that gesture. God knows how many more times I'll be crying over the next few days, but I'm crying again just by writing about it. So, pickup is 4AM, and I'm not sure if I'll stay up all night or get a few hour's sleep.

I will say that Shilo is still (understandably) stressed out over the whole situation, and he's grouchy, but who can blame him? I'm just taking things minute by minute now. I still have errands to run, so signing off now.

Reality (incomplete Post)

I wrote this after midnight, and I know I'll never complete it because of everything else that went on since I started writing this piece.I'm leaving this for Shilo at his request.

Whenever I take the time to write here, I realize I'm subject to public scrutiny. I know I have people from around the world that read what I write, and they also read what Shilo writes. About 24 hours ago, Shilo wrote some opinions on his blog that I felt were controversial. I read it just as I was preparing for bed, and rather than write a drawn out response to those things, I made a rather quick reply to other things, choosing instead to write a piece on my blog after waking up and before leaving on church business that I knew would have me gone all day. I left home about 9:45 in the morning, and got home at about 10:30 at night. It was a LONG day, and now I'm so wired I can't sleep. It sucks!

Shilo will often act and not think about long-term consequences of his actions. I wouldn't say he's bad-tempered, but he can be fiery and his opinions are strong. He's stubborn, self-willed, opinionated, passive-aggressive and sweet. Every two weeks, we have a quiet argument where I swear that one day soon the two of us will just walk out on each other in disgust until we really come to our senses and run back into each others arms. Think what you want, but understand that our Love for each other is very strong.I'm not giving up that easily, and neither is he. He's stubborn, remember? Well, so am I.

And that's where I stopped. I decided to go to bed and check out his entry for replies, which ended up with us having a misunderstanding in the comments section. Which brought us to this morning where we finally somewhat got clear on things, and as he prepared to actually get sleep, I briefly walked out of the room to talk to Stitch, which is when Shilo's dad called to tell him his mom had died. What a fucked up Sunday we've had! Suddenly, our petty misunderstanding isn't so important anymore. What really matters is our Love for each other. And that is always the only really important thing.  Because we have each other, and we are committed to each other. Tell your significant other how much you care, how important they are. Don't allow misunderstandings to cripple your relationships. Will we have another misunderstanding? I have no doubt we will, but I also know we will work hard to resolve it, because that's how we are.

Sincerely,
Merry

Just a Sad Day

I'm feeling numb right now.  I started this whole journey in March by crying. I've cried off and on about this, so I can't really cry a anymore.

My MIL died this morning of metastatic brain cancer. As much as it was expected, it still hit us hard. Still, I'm so grateful for the time I had with her. She loved and accepted me and spoiled me rotten when we were together. She came at a time when I was still dealing with the death of my own mother, and she eased the pain. I truly feel blessed that I had someone as kind and wonderful as her in my life.

She deserves so much more than a blip on the screen, but it's all I can do right now.

Shilo

This is written to give him a "heads up," but I'm sure that it might be entertaining for others as well...

Over the past few days, Shilo and I have been discussing BDSM structures, Female Led Domestic Discipline, Relationships, polyamory, and whole bunch of other things. All of them are heavy-duty, and they all relate directly to us, our marriage, our relationship, and our Household. Some things, Shilo has even dared to write in his journal, and a few of his opinions expressed are quite controversial. Still, those are his opinions, and he's allowed to express them. I know he wrote some things to elicit a response from me, and instead, I chose not to respond to those remarks. He wrote some things he feels about our relationship and how he views them. How a person views something and how they are can be two different things. I'm neither agreeing or disagreeing with those things at this point. I'm just putting it out there that I read it and took it all in.

So, what does this really mean? It means that I may or may not agree with his stated opinions, depending on what they are. What he wrote about his views on our relationship has some similarities to how it is for us as I see it, but, again, not all. I will say that his health issues have caused a 'shift' in our relationship, and if you add the fiasco about Sherman to it, you can say that the past 13 or so months have had a HUGE effect on where we are now at this moment. While there have been negative effects, there also have been positive, and the positive outweighs the negative. We're exploring, and with our explorations, we've learned new truths about ourselves and each other. We've broken down much of the "smoke and mirrors" and see some things clearly. Both of us have become strengthened and hurt by these revelations.

What's important to know is that at the end of the day, this all relates to us. My relationship with Shilo. It has  almost no effect on how I am with others. the give and take part is different, but it doesn't make me any less Merry, and it doesn't make him any less Shilo. How we relate and react to each other, not the outside world.

So is there "smoke and mirrors" to others? Do we hide behind a veil? I think all couples do. I mean, how or why we do things isn't always for public consumption. The important thing for you to know is that the spankings and discipline are very real. I am turning his ass that lovely color. The corner time is real. I really do make him sing "Twinkle, twinkle little bat."  My laughter is real. I enjoy all this. I am a Sadist, he is a masochist. We enjoy each other. We Love each other. The chastity is real. He does wear those devices for up to a week or more. The devotion we have to each other is real.

Will I address these things further? Will I give a heartfelt response with my feeling bared for all to see? That's yet to be determined.... But for now...

I heard you Shilo.  I Love you Shilo.

Please allow me the time to take it all in.

Merry

Tiny Update AKA: How I Know I'm Cared For

My MIL is not well. She hasn't been for several months, so it was no surprise that Shilo received a phone call Tuesday night (7-7) telling him that his father agreed to put her in a hospice facility. It was a bit of a surprise that my FIL called Shilo Wednesday morning and asked him to come as soon as possible. Alone. Without me.

Don't misunderstand: I wasn't angry or hurt over the request. I know that it's cheaper for one than it is two, and he's their son. I'm just the daughter-in-law. That didn't bother me, still I was upset enough that I left and Sunshine showed up crying in frustration. According to Shilo, she said the same thing I did. (Paraphrased below)

"But since we've been together (and married) we've never been apart except for my business meetings when you couldn't go with me. You've never gone away before. It makes me sad and angry (scared is better word) because you aren't supposed to leave me."

I (we) didn't take it well, but there was no way to change the situation. Crying doesn't help either, other than letting go of the pain. I wrote about how I was feeling on my Fet blog, and made mention of Shilo leaving on my FB page. I needed to work through it, and writing is my way of working through things.

Something wonderful happened when Shilo left. I received phone calls, messages, and encouraging notes from (people I consider as) friends. Spike even called me on Friday afternoon! Spike calling might not sound like a big deal, unless you realize that he's currently dealing with his own shitstorm, and I wasn't expecting to hear from him until sometime in early August. (yes, he's THAT busy!) The emotional support I received warmed my heart, and kept me calm, because I realized I do have people I can talk to and cry with. I also reminded myself that this was temporary, and that, barring any emergencies or acts of God, Shilo would be back in a few days at the most.

Today is the day! He should be landing at LAX in about 8 hours. I'll admit, I have had a few nightmares, but they weren't so bad that I woke up screaming or afraid, and tonight I'll be sleeping safely in his arms.

I'm kind of proud of myself for not having any huge meltdowns during his absence, not that I want him to go away without me, but it looks like I can handle it after all.

Why I Don't Approach Men On CM or OKC

I belong to both Collarspace (formerly CollarMe) and OKCupid. I've noticed that available women are rare on both sites, or at least women who really are women. I'm not exactly sure on the ratio, but I will say that there is no lack of male attention, whether or not the woman has a profile picture. 

The problem (as I see it) is that men who are 5's (on a scale of 1-10, 10 being most physically attractive) expect to be with women who are 9's or 10's. It doesn't work that way in real life, but they feel 'entitled.' In the meantime, there are women who are 5's that like men who are 4's and they're being told by the men that they aren’t attractive enough. Color me confused. I thought attraction was based on intelligence, commonalities, and that 'special something' otherwise known as pheromones. I guess I was wrong.


So, as I said above, I don't approach men because, while I'm acquainted with rejection, I don’t want to be the instigator. Let the man show interest in me. Let him prove to me that he has things in common and is intelligent, or he can at least make a sentence with words and punctuation. The rest is easy. A face to face so I can decide if he is as he presented himself, and I enjoy his company. Picking up on the subtleties of speech, detecting the odor of cigarettes, too much cologne, or alcohol, and various other things allows me to make a decision about a man. In fact, within the first 10 minutes of meeting someone, I already know if I want to see them again. Predicting their impression isn’t so easy, but usually the attraction or the lack thereof is mutual. Since I don't pretend that I'm interested when I'm not, it's easy. I am who I am, and I'm not for everyone, and I tell people that before I meet them.


My typical interaction goes like this:

Him: Hi! My name is Average Joe and I read your profile. I was surprised by all we have in common. I enjoy using unnecessary superlatives too! My hobbies are basket-weaving and sleeping in front of the TV with sports playing at full blast. My favorite music is disco, and I'm a great dancer, I won a prize in third grade. Would you please take the time to read my most excellent profile and let me know if you're interested?

Me: Hello Joe!
I read your profile, and it appears we do have lots in common. It amazes me how your profile appears to be custom written for me. How do you feel about bats in your cave?

Him: I prefer to let my bats hang, cause they’re so very happy in there. I was wondering, when could we meet? I'm so excited about taking you dancing and I’m just thrilled that we can weave baskets together!

Me: (already beginning to question myself) How about Friday at noon? We can meet at Mickey D's on Main Street.

Him: I'm so excited and super impressed that you want to meet me, Also, I was wondering if you could send me a picture of you because your description and picture on your profile isn't nearly good enough.

Me: (sighs internally) Sure, nothing would give me greater joy than have you build me up, and then criticize my crooked nose and huge feet.

Him: I can't wait! Even though I'm a 4, I just know you'll be an 11 ¾!

Me: Here are some recent pictures I painstakingly picked out because it shows me with my dog, and this other one because my eyes are so pretty.

Him: uhmm... well... you're not even a 10, you're a 6 at best, and in spite of the fact that appearance-wise I'm a 4, I expect to only be seem with a 10. I don't care that we share these interests and might be compatible in all these other areas because you must be be-yoo-tee-full !

Me: It figures...


Honestly, I'm okay with being a 5 appearance-wise. I rate higher in areas that I feel are of greater importance, so I really don't worry. Only I wish that people were a bit more honest about things. For example, if you want a Barbie doll, say it! But say it on your profile so I can ignore you.

/END RANT