WARNING!

My health is very important to me, and I will no longer neglect it just to keep others happy and comfortable.


That is all... (for now)

Visiting The In-Laws

It's that time of year again. We've been with Shilo's parents going on the fourth day now, and yesterday was his birthday. We head home tomorrow. Big changes from last year. Mostly in attitude. I'm more comfortable around them, and his mom seems to be much more relaxed around me. She isn't trying to feed me constantly.

Shilo and I are having "issues"  that I really have no control in fixing.  Apparently,  his upset stomach has affected his sex drive, or, at least, that's his claim. It's not so much that I doubt him, but I can't help but worry that there's something he's hiding from me. My own self-doubt will eventually kill me. I spend way too much time blaming myself for the shortcomings in our marriage. I'm madly in Love with Shilo,  and I'll be the first to admit that things aren't as wonderful or perfect as we had hoped or imagined, but I still think we're better off than we were 18 months ago. It makes me sad that I can't fix the problems we're having. Honestly, I'm not exactly sure anyone or anything can fix all of them.

Love is the glue that holds us together,  that, and a desire to make things work. I had really hoped that time away from home would help, but I guess I was wrong. I feel like crying, but the tears won't come.

One Week

One week ago on early Friday afternoon, I had Shilo lock up in a chastity device, and I left on a weekend business trip for the Senior Church ladies. Shilo is still locked up, and, as I like to tease him, there's no end in sight.

Yes, I'm depriving myself of intercourse as well. It's a choice, because I know Stitch will happily accommodate me. Let's just say I'm not really in the mood right now for anyone but Shilo, and since I have him locked up, I'll just be doing without for a while longer. It will make the eventual ending all the more pleasurable.

Looking back, I honestly had no idea how Loving and passionate Shilo would be. It was the furthest thing from my thoughts, and I laugh at how naive we both were. He was convinced he was asexual, I was convinced he was asexual, and sex with him really wasn't on my radar with him. Our shared fetish for chastity was all the proof I needed that we would never cross that line. Falling in Love wasn't even on my radar, but the more time we spent with each other, the more I realized that I was in Love with him, and the more he realized he was in Love with me. The more Love I felt for him, the stronger my passion grew, and his grew as well.

Those early days were full of more sex than I could calculate, but I'm sure he's kept count somewhere. Somewhere around 3 weeks into our sexual relationship, I brought up the subject of locking him in chastity. I was a little surprised at his negative reaction, but common sense won out, and he acquiesced. It seems he needed reassurance that I wanted him(!) Yes, I found that surprising, because I thought I had made it abundantly clear to him.

I'm glad that nowadays we've worked it out that he knows I won't deprive him for long, but, other than my trip to Springfield, IL in May, I think it's been a long time since he's been locked up for more than a week. I mean, yes, we've gone more than a week without intercourse for various reasons, but locking him wasn't involved. I'm also pretty sure he could give dates, times etc; but I'll leave it up to his discretion as to whether or not he puts it here.

He's asleep right now. He's been asleep since we arrived home at 5:15 after running errands all day and paying bills. I had hoped we could film tonight and then I could unlock him (I'm really horny) but I guess it'll have to wait. Still wondering if I'll feel like this later/tomorrow. I'm not likely to unlock him unless I want sex and it's practical, simply because he'll have to shower after removing the device because of my metal allergy before we even consider sex. GRRRRR!!!

Looks like masturbation is in my future... LOL I'm just too tired to go through the hassle of trying for sex with Shilo. Goodnight!

Surprise!

I Love Shilo. I'm 'in Love' with Shilo. Anyone who knows us will tell you that.My Love for him is hard to explain, but I will also admit that there's a healthy dose of lust that cannot be explained. Perhaps it's because we share so many similar kinks with each other. Maybe it's the incredible sex we have with each other. No, it's not constant, but I'll admit that it's somewhere in the back of my mind... Quite often, in fact. Even (especially) when I have him locked in chastity. Depriving him, depriving myself. It's a beautiful thing.

So, it's day 6 in chastity for him, and about a week since we engaged in sex. He's also (pretty much) gotten away with not providing me my required Daily Orgasm (D.O.) mostly because of schedule conflicts. This is merely a statement of facts. Anyway, I cannot even begin to express how close we are. They say (who are these people anyway?) "Great minds think alike" and it is so with us. I finish his sentences, and I've been known to ask him about things before he has a chance to tell me about them. I mean, he's ready to tell me about some event, and I have no clue, but just as he's about to say it, I'll ask him about it. I amaze him with my ability to 'pick up' on his thoughts and/or emotions. I tease that we're thisclose to each other. However, I'm not a mind reader. If I really was a mind reader, I'd use it in a more constructive way. (Perhaps to make money?) And, although I have a great sense of smell, and he will insist, I'm not a bloodhound either. I just have a 'nose' for certain things, and I won't hesitate to acknowledge it.

Yes, it's also true I can occasionally pick up on the emotions of others. I feel it's more of a curse than a blessing. Feeling the distress of another person can be overwhelming. So, what is this really about? My closeness to Shilo and my ability to be wherever he is without him realizing I'm there. In other words, arriving before him, leaving before he arrives, and coming back as he's there wishing I was around. Our 'six degrees of separation' that has been proven more than once. You know... the crazy scary stuff people don't talk about.

My ability to surprise him. Grabbing a specific spanking implement before he can ask for it. All that stuff I do automatically without him asking, or telling. The 'accidental' stuff. The last thing I want to do is frighten him with my curse. My abilities, because he could run away screaming. Only, well... he won't. He could get lost in my eyes, my arms. He doesn't want to be anywhere that is too far away from me. I can rip him apart. It's not a choice anymore. He would deny it outwardly, but his eyes don't lie. I have a secret. One that Sunshine won't tell him. She can't, but I'll tell it here: I'm not proud of my abilities regarding him. Hell, I'm not proud of my abilities regarding Stitch, either. Don't misunderstand: I'm not ashamed of my abilities either. Knowing what I know, when I know it, understanding my abilities to 'pick up' on emotions. Feeling a Love and desire that is so very strong that neither of us can fight it. It scares me too. But I'm here. I'm not leaving. I promised, and I keep my promises. I need to get dinner started now if I'm going to use the crock pot.

Of Interest

http://wannabespankee.tumblr.com/post/33971933681/oneyear

I honestly cannot comment without giggling for oh-so-many reasons, most of which have nothing to do with me.

Beauty Is... (10-14-15)

Yes, Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Keeping that in mind, and using suggestions, I updated our Clips 4 Sale site today. Face it, a beaten behind is nice, but it's not what my relationship with Shilo is about.

People who know us understand that not only is our Mistress/slave relationship about control, but there is Love. The Love we have for each other shows through in everything we do, even when things are tough. A red bottom doesn't show that, so now we have a picture that portrays us. Both the Love and Control aspect. I think it makes Shilo appear a little more vulnerable, but also shows a softer side of our relationship. If you scroll up a little, you can see the new picture.


The clips were also reorganized, so the newest ones will always appear first. I invite you to take a look and provide constructive criticism, and, if you are so inclined, support us by making a small purchase. Thank you.


Please go to http://clips4sale.com/studio/85069 to view our store

Hide and Seek Bullshit (10-11-14)

When the going gets tough, the tough get a cigarette. Or, at least, in Shilo's case, it works that way. He's written numerous times in numerous places about my "bloodhound" nose, and my ability to sniff it out. He's tried many ways to hide it, but I still know. I've not only got super smelling, but I also have an allergy to scents, and many of them give me a horrible headache, Fortunately, while the odor of cigarettes bother me, they don't give headaches. Any scents used to cover odors do. Perfume, aftershave, cologne, scented cleaners, and most air fresheners will either make me gag or get a massive headache. I rarely complain, I just avoid the person/area and I'm fine. Headaches last a minimum of 30 minutes. Shilo knows this. He's witnessed it firsthand. He's not stupid.

Okay, last sentence of the first paragraph. Please remember it. Shilo does become a bit addle-brained when he's been smoking. Remember, he tries (foolishly) to hide it from me. Occasionally, I just wait for him to fuck up and I don't say a thing. I think to myself "Dammit! He's been smoking again!!! and my mouth says "Mmmm! I Love you!" because I DO Love him. I Love him in spite of all the things he does, just like he Loves me in spite of how I am. That's just how things go. I do have limits, and sometimes he pushes them, other times, he's just addle-brained. On with the story:

Shilo and I ran separate errands on Friday, and I got home before him. I was in the middle of an important conference call from a church leader in Chicago when Shilo came in. My assistant, M, was with me, and talking on the speakerphone. As soon as Shilo entered, I knew something wasn't right. My head started to "explode" with a headache. Shilo smelled like he had bathed in air freshener perfume, and I tried avoiding him, but he had to be where we were. Finally, when I couldn't handle the pain anymore, I told him that he wasn't hiding anything, I knew he had been smoking, and would he PLEASE get rid of that odor because my head was pounding. He showered and changed, and I was so happy (yes, happy!) to just smell cigarettes on him. I told him we'd talk about it in detail later. We haven't yet done so. Too many other things.

Stuff I want to say, some of which I took the time to express:

• You know you can't fool me.
• Why hide it when you know I can smell it?
• Why did you use the stuff that gives me a headache?
• You realize that by "covering" the odor, it's lying and a repeat offense.
• Do you enjoy this?
• Do you think I emjoy this?
• How do you plan on fixing this situation?
• Surely you can think of a better way to deal with your anger and frustration.
• And many more similar feelings and thoughts...

One day, Shilo will really realize that hiding stuff from me is a waste of time, and he'll learn to come to me and confess/tell the truth immediately. This is what transparency is all about. Being honest about things, expressing your feelings, and accepting the consequences. Please quit playing hide and seek with me.

Situational Update For Those Who Care (10-9-14)

First, I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to visit our Clips4Sale site, even if all you did was look. To the people who referred their friends, I thank you. To the 5 people who made purchases, I want you to know how much I appreciate this. It's a start, and it gives me hope that things will improve. Everyone is taking extra shifts at work and nobody is complaining. Yes, things still look dismal at this end, but I have some good news! 

Shilo's birthday is next month, and his parents were concerned about our lack of an air conditioner, and as much as the heat is a bother, a portable air conditioner won't solve our problems, but a newer and better quality video camera would be helpful in making better quality videos for our Clips4Sale site. Without going into too much detail, it was explained to them that an air conditioner would be helpful, but a video camera would be useful because we could take "nature shots" for profit. It worked, so we will have our new camera soon, and better quality videos mean we can (hopefully) get more repeat customers. We currently have 16 clips up, with another 4 in the queue for future release. We've also decided to offer custom videos by request as long as they fit into our current dynamic.

Child #4 (age 25) has attended a few munches with us. He is Developmentally Delayed, and has seizures almost daily. The medications are not helping the situation. In late August, he had EEG equipment attached to him for 3 days, and the results were inconclusive mostly because he would forget to push the button after a seizure. As a result, he will be spending 5 days to a week in the hospital next month for testing. I feel very fortunate that both Stitch and Shilo treat him as if he was their child.

I will periodically provide updates as they happen. Thank you!

Unlike Me (10-6-14)

I'm hearing it so often these days. “Merry, that's so unlike you...” followed by whatever action or inaction that has taken place. It leaves me questioning... and thinking to myself “Am I not allowed to change?” Think about it. Do we not have Seasons? Summer, Fall, Winter, Spring? Caterpillars turn into a chrysalis, and break out of it as a butterfly. Humans go from infant to toddler, to child, pre-teen, teenager, young adult, then an adult, and, if they have good genetics, they become elderly. Yes, those are physical outward changes, but I can tell you, with absolute certainty, that who I was at 17 was not who I thought I'd be at 13. Situations have a way of changing people. Life experiences change us as well. This leaves me to where I am now.

I'm always unapologetically me. It doesn't mean I don't acknowledge my faults, but it does mean I won't apologize for expressing my feelings. It means that situations and experiences have a habit of changing how I feel about things. I've done many things that I thought I'd never do because of a fresh outlook on things, and by “fresh” I don't always mean good. Bad situations have had a much bigger impact on me, but, in the long run, it's always turned out much better than I first imagined. I'm the eternal optimist, a Pollyanna of sorts. So, right now, things are tough. I know that things will eventually turn around, but it's not time yet. In some ways, I feel like I've failed myself and others, but I don't have a crystal ball that will predict the future, and I'm not so sure I'd want to know all that anyway.

What this means is that my social life might be curtailed for a little while. I'll be attending fewer parties and munches, and I don't know how long this will last. Maybe things will improve by tomorrow, maybe next week, or maybe next year. I can't put a timeline on things that I can't control. This also means I'm doing something I thought I'd never do. Being unapologetically me means that I'm not ashamed, but I am a little surprised. Over the past 14 months, Shilo and I have occasionally made movies of our sessions for our own private pleasure and viewing, but because of one of the out of control situations, it was mutually decided that we would share our movies with others on clips4sale. We will also be filming most of our home sessions, and adding them as well.

I will also ask that my friends here understand that this was not an easy decision, and I don't take things lightly. My options were to ask people to give/loan me money out of the kindness of their heart, and feel uncomfortable because I owe everyone money, or to be filmed doing something I enjoy (disciplining Shilo) and asking my friends to help me out by purchasing our movies, and/or suggesting to others that they check out our store, and make a purchase. I see this as a win-win situation. Nobody winds up empty-handed. My son's medical bills get paid, my mortgage gets paid, and the purchasers get a peek inside my kink life.

Please go to http://clips4sale.com/studio/85069 to view our store. Thank you!

Sex, Discipline, and Heat

It has been a warm fall. No, let's try it again. It's been a fucking hot fall. As in, it's been about 90 outside. As for the inside? It was a high of 94 inside, with the fans running. It makes me wish I had asked about air conditioning. Still, I love this house, and the lack of A/C doesn't make me love it any less. Honestly, I wouldn't mind the hot weather, except for the fact that it interferes with my sex life and makes discipline damned near impossible.

Face it, nobody wants to be next to someone else when they're hot and sweaty. I don't like being sweaty sticky next to someone else. Honestly, all I want to do is spend the day in a cool shower. This is doubly difficult on Shilo because he works grave shift, and sleeps during the day. I almost miss the days before we got married, when I'd stay with him in his air conditioned bedroom. Sex and discipline was fun. Now, in this heat, it's a burden.

I just want a cool place to sit so I can stop sweating. My energy level is down to zero. Yes, I realize that winter will come eventually, and I'll be missing warm weather, but this weather now? Hardly!

Let's hope for things to cool down to the 70's so I can get sex, and start disciplining Shilo again on a regular basis.

Sexual Objectification

Sexual objectification is the viewing of people solely as de-personalised objects of desire instead of as individuals with complex personalities and desires/plans of their own. This is done by speaking/thinking of them especially as only their bodies, either the whole body, or as fetishised body parts. 

 

Sexual attraction is not the same as sexual objectification: objectification only occurs when the individuality of the desired person is not acknowledged.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My mouth, my breasts, my pussy, my ass... All for your sexual pleasure only. All I say is “yes” or “as you wish” as you use me as you see fit. I'm not held down or shackled, because my desire is to see yours fulfilled.

I don't complain as you pull at my nipples or lightly tease my clit. All I do is stand there, or lie there as you please. Knowing my secret desires are being fulfilled. Knowing you are the One that holds my heart in your hands, and that you won't violate my trust in you. Oh, Yes, you will violate my body, but you will not injure me, for I am your precious, much-beloved sex toy. You will use me, but not abuse me. I will suck your cock on demand, and you will use my fuck holes as much and as often as you wish. You whisper nasty things in my ear, and I listen, with trepidation and desire. I am yours, and you do as you wish.
Even as you blindfold me, and roughly handle me, I do not fear for my safety, because you will keep your promise, and no injury will come upon me. I hunger for your touch, and I thirst for your kisses. My clit throbs with desire as you gently stroke my body, avoiding my most sensitive spots. I have become a tigress in heat, and I will not be denied. But, for now, I know I must wait.
I softly whisper your name, and say “Please?” as you continue on your journey, and ignore my whispers of desire. The time will be up soon enough, and I will go back to my everyday life. But, for now, I revel in your touch, and know that moments like this are brief.

My blindfold is off, and folded in front of me is a skimpy bra that will show off my assets a short dress and fuck-me heels. Wordlessly, I dress. Knowing what comes next. I attach the long thin leash to my triangle piercing, and I wait for you.

The blindfold goes back on, and you guide me into the car. My lips are dry, and I ask, “Water please?” You put a bottle in my hands, and I drink greedily from the bottle, not knowing when I will have the opportunity to drink water again. Eventually, you park the car, lead me out, and remove the blindfold.

I have an idea where I am, but, still, my heart skips a beat, I am open and vulnerable, and the leash lightly pulls at my clit as you adjust it. You made the leash with a 20 foot length of string, and I realize it's mostly unnoticeable in the dusk. My pussy gets wet, because this is my final test before you give me what you've been preparing me for all day long.

Before I can even get my head wrapped around what is happening, you run, leash in hand. I feel the tug, and quickly follow. Once you're sure of that, you slow down to a stroll, and get on the busy sidewalk. The crowd is more than I could normally handle, and I notice a group of young men ogling me, but I keep walking. One of them rudely grabs at my left breast, and I struggle to get out of his way, but my pussy is dripping with pleasure. I hate myself for the reaction, but it's not anything I can control. I finally grab his balls, and twist them, and he lets go of me as the pain surges through him. His friends laugh at him, and help him up off the ground. It looks like I escaped that, but the adrenaline is pumping. I run a little so I'm only a few feet behind you. You're talking on your cellphone like nothing is going on. And yet I know it's almost over.

An older couple head my way. The man is practically drooling, and his wife looks at me in disgust. This makes me smile, and almost laugh, knowing that she will be getting the fuck of her life tonight as he fantasizes about fucking me. See, I know how a man's mind works, and I realize that part of my objectification is to incite other men to get horny. I know my juices are leaking, and whether or not they realize it, the men can smell it, and it makes them horny. It just makes me even more full of desire knowing my effect on them. This happens a few more times as we cross the busy street, and go around the block to the parking lot. When you open the car door, you hold me tight, and repeatedly kiss me, telling me what a wonderful slut I am. You take me to a 5 star hotel and as soon as the bellboy is gone, you fuck me like I'm the last woman on earth. We nap, and when I wake up, I shower and grab a paddle from the toybag. I wake you, whispering, “This will hurt you more than it will hurt me”, and I start your spanking.

A Rule I Always Follow (10-1-14)

Never go to bed angry.
So I'm staying up all night

Thirst (9-28-14)

Introduction

A long time ago (It seems like forever now) in the early 90's when the doctors were just scratching at the surface of my medical issues, I was prescribed a medication. This was before the PTSD, before the rise of Sunshine, after I graduated from college with my psychiatric nursing degree, and when I was the young (32 years old) mother of 5 rambunctious boys. The "bad" times with deadbeat were just beginning. I was clueless to the hell that awaited me. I was full of Hope and Positivity and Unafraid. My dear beloved doctor prescribed a medication (I remember the name of it, but it doesn't matter now) that was one of many medications that causes polydipsia. The word polydipsia looks nice, up on the screen, doesn't it? Until you know what it is: Polydipsia is the medical term for excessive thirst. I could drink 2 liters of water during my lunch break, and 20 minutes later, all I desired was more water, fruit juice, soda, you name it... I was powerless over the overwhelming desire to intake as much fluid as possible. The fact that it was a hot summer didn't help much either. The house I lived in had no air conditioning, just a tiny swamp cooler. It's been nearly 18 years since I stopped taking that medication, but the memory of that thirst lingers. 

NOW

You remind me of that thirst, that never quenched desire to feel satiated, but never quite getting there. I'm always wanting more of you, never feeling like I've had enough. It started with that first hug. No, that's a lie. It started that first time I saw you sitting across the room from me. I was preoccupied, true, but something about your face, or maybe it was your body. No! It was your soul! Your soul called out to mine, in that dark, noise-filled, crowded room. I looked at you many times that first night, and every time I looked up and away from my project, I saw you. Watching, seeking... sitting there in stony silence. Calling me. Like a silent scream, one could not hear it, but could feel it in their bones.

The more I learned about you, the unknown man, the more I thought to myself, "No, no, NO! This will NOT work! It cannot work! It is impossible!" But Fate does not know the word "Impossible," You can be dragged, kicking and screaming and denying, while Fate says simply "Yes. Yes, this will work. This will be." And it is! It was that way with you. I was alternately compelled and repulsed. Compelled, because you silently called out to me. Repulsed, because of the knowledge I had of you, of your habits, I saw your home weeks before I ever entered, I knew what to expect, and, yet, in spite of all I knew, all I saw, I fought the feelings of no, and accepted Fate's yes.

That first hug, a few weeks after the first time your soul cried out to me, sealed it. You smelled of sweetness, of candy, of strongly brewed coffee. All the things I liked, all the things I loved. How could I possibly refuse you? Six weeks later, you were bent over, nearly naked, laying over a spanking bench as I repeatedly used my heaviest paddle on your ivory skin. You were silent, but your body language, the wiggling and pressing up against me, made me realize that, yes, you were what I desired. You were what I thirsted for. Even as I broke my finger, and explained what happened, your laugh was rich and full, and as I got closer, the smell of sweetness, candy, and strongly brewed coffee was there. Why I fought it, I don't know. Two weeks later, in your home, which was exactly what I saw in my mind's eye, I still thirsted for you. Yes, there was fear and apprehension, like the fear we all get when doing something new, but I knew you would never hurt me.

Two weeks after that, as the thirst became more than I could resist, we both realized it was no longer in our hands. I had the overwhelming thirst, the overwhelming desire that only you could quench, and, yet, the more I got, the more I wanted. Being that vulnerable was new to me. Never realizing that it was to become an obsession on your part as well only increased the effect. The thirst was out of control, much like the thirst in my introduction.

At times, I feel like nobody could possibly comprehend it, because, even though it is here and now, it is an unbelievable story we are living. One that, if told to either of us as recently as 20 months ago, both of us would have been incredulous and denying it, as if it were a fairytale. Who knew that a thirst could be so strong and overpowering?

I'm open and vulnerable with my thirst, and you have learned that only you can begin to quench it. It's not such a bad thing, is it? Unlike the thirst in the introduction, this is not so miserable. It makes sense. There is no denial of my desires, of my needs, and you have your desires met as well. All is good. And you still smell of candy and sweetness. Last night only confirmed it. I'm so glad my thirst is for you, and I neither hide or deny it. Knowing you understand and believe makes it so much sweeter.

Restless

I don't keep secrets. Well, not on purpose. I have a habit of forgetting things, remembering them, and then promptly forgetting them. Live with me long enough and you'll see it in action.

I'm also a horrible procrastinator, and I'm easily distracted. I'll have several "projects" going on at once, and I find myself wondering how it all happened.

The chronic insomnia is a frequent stumbling-block to accomplishing things because I will often fall asleep sitting up. Mostly, though, I'm just restless.

I wouldn't say uneasy or bored, but I frequently feel like I've neglected or forgotten something or someone.

Shilo has a calendar for me. It sends reminders, and I still forget. I frequently overbook or double book, and other days, I'm completely empty and wondering why I didn't book stuff that day.

I've been depriving myself of intercourse lately, waiting for Shilo to heal. I hate it. I also discovered that I hate using a condom for sex with him. It prevents him from hitting all the "good" spots inside me, and causes frustration. I don't want to deprive either of us, so I'm going to try to figure out a workable solution for the both of us.

Driving to Huntington Beach Sunday evening with Stitch caused me to get agitated because we (the other members of my Household) are feeling that a certain person in the Household isn't doing enough. I came home and started on a chore list. I haven't finished it yet, but I also haven't finished writing the changes in the Agreement that Shilo and I discussed. Both are important, but which one should be a priority?

I've been struggling with both for several hours, and neither one is where I want it.  I refuse to send either one to Shilo unfinished, so he won't get either.

The events of Sunday afternoon has me wanting to be (sexually) teased mercilessly by Shilo, but I already suspect that my inability to finish either document will probably severely curtail any sexual activity on Shilo's part because he (understandably) wants me to get something done. Yes, I'm the Dominant, but our marriage is set up where I "allow" him to have some authority, because if I didn't nothing would ever get accomplished. I want to be kept on task, and he does that for me.

I'm going to stare at the papers more, but I'm also going to message him and tell him now about my inability to get anything accomplished.  Really too sleepy to think straight.

Why?

Why did I lock Shilo in chastity? Or, rather, why did I have Shilo lock himself in chastity? Yes, it's a fetish... I won't deny that. But, but, well, it's a way to deny myself pleasure. If he's locked in chastity, I can't have sex with him. (Well, DUH! Merry!) Only, right now, it's more than that.

Just in case there's a new reader, I'll explain: I enjoy sex with Shilo. Better explained, I Love sex with Shilo. It didn't start that way, but it didn't take long for it to happen. Now that it happened, I think I could engage in intercourse daily, or, maybe even a few times day with him, and I'd still enjoy it. It didn't take him long to learn how to please me. He's pretty much spoiled me for anyone else. That last (previous) sentence sums it up. I'm guilty of silently comparing. I'm too polite to do it out loud, but I catch myself doing it. I want Shilo. I don't want Stitch, or Sherman, or anyone else. I won't turn down Stitch, but he rarely pursues me anyway, and, as for Sherman, he's pretty much decided to be celibate. Not complaining... I'm not particularly interested anyway.

So, back to Shilo's chastity: Due to many reasons (the heat, his indigestion, possibly even his age) Shilo has not been initiating much sex with me lately. Even though I (logically) understand why, there's nagging in the back of my head telling me that I don't turn him on, he doesn't want me, etc; etc. It's really destroying me. It causes me to feel sad and unloved. It sucks!  This isn't his fault, and no amount of logic takes away the bad feelings. I needed a solution, and I needed it fast. The only solution I could think of was for me to put him in chastity, because if he's in chastity, he can't have sex with me. This way, I can blame the chastity, and not all the unreasonable feelings I'm having. The twisted logic causes me to feel just a little bit better.

The bad part of this is that I think maybe Shilo might feel punished, and that is not a desired side effect. Anyway, I think my reasoning is clear. Not Shilo's fault, and shutting out feelings of self-doubt.

Hard Limits

I love music. All types of music. Some songs make me feel happy, or sad, or sometimes, it will bring on a memory of a long time ago, of people I haven't seen in forever, or even of friends who are long gone, and dead. It connects us to others.

It's not that way for everyone, and, because I'm unaware, innocent, and/or naive in many ways, I don't realize that my world of sweetness and happiness and flowers and rainbows and unicorns etc.etc.

When someone tells me they dislike a group or song, I do my best to respect it, but, once in a while, I want to indulge myself in a guilty pleasure, no matter who is around. It was that way Tuesday evening as I drove Shilo to work.

“Merry, I don’t like Pink Floyd” How many times have I heard that? I know I’ve said more often to him, “I hate Rush” but I go on and say “I know you love Rush, and because I Love you, I won’t complain.” Well, it just so happens that Pink Floyd was playing, and it was a song I really wanted to hear, so I told him something along the lines of “Too bad, I’m the Dominant, and I want to listen to this.” He got really pissed about it, and didn’t talk to me, and I had to ask for a kiss. I was confused by it all. I mean, it was one fucking song!

I read his diary entry about it, and it came out that he used LSD and was listening to Pink Floyd. Apparently, it wasn’t a pleasant experience. I’m just confused as to why he never said anything about this to me before. I’m not a mind reader. I thought we established this before, but I guess not. Anyway, after the partial explanation, I agreed to never play any Pink Floyd songs in his presence. Still I asked that he explain exactly what happened. Naturally, it’s his choice, and I won’t force him to tell me, but it is now a hard limit, and I will respect it.

Shilo, I Love you. Always

SLUT!

Just For Fun!

Ε.S.Ε. Slut Test
Love for Sex	********
Ethics	***********
Open-mindedness	*********
Self-awareness	*****
Kinkiness	*******
Slut Bonus Points	*******

Would you like to take it too?

What I Did Today And Why I Did it (8-25-14)

A situation happened this past weekend that has me tied up in knots, and not in the "good" way either. I don't expect anyone to understand or accept, but I still need to express myself. I am a "Little," or, rather, I have a Little Girl that lives inside me. Her name is Sunshine, and she is 7 years old. This is different than "age play" in that I don't pretend I'm 7, and act like a 7 year old. Sunshine is a complete and separate personality than me. It's not an easy thing to explain to others, either. I mean, how do you explain some of her actions and why she says and does the things she says and does? How do you explain that, yes, she can be jealous, but she's not full of malice or her intentions are mostly innocent, and she doesn't mean to do others harm, or hurt their feelings?


Sunday morning consisted mostly of Sunshine crying and yelling insistently that she was a good girl, and didn't do anything wrong or bad, and Sherman telling her that she did do something wrong and made a grown woman cry. Either way, it caused quite a ruckus, and I missed out on Sunday morning sex with Shilo because of it. To say that Shilo is getting tired of misunderstandings such as this is an understatement. Living with me is difficult enough, but add Stitch and other household members, plus the dogs and cats, and add Sunshine, and it can be troublesome at best. Let's just say that Sunshine will sometimes act like a normal 7 year old child that wants attention and affection, and if she feels like someone else has the attention and affection that is (in her opinion) rightfully hers, there will be misbehavior on her part.


I'm protective of Sunshine, as are Stitch and Shilo. After all, she is 7, and even though she's constantly learning things, thanks to her inquisitive nature, and Shilo's patience in explaining how things work, her emotions are still that of a 7 year old, and, most likely, always will be. She's precocious in many ways, but put pressure on her, and she will react like a 7 year old would, because she is 7. Much of the time, she just wants to play games on Facebook, but she does have a Fetlife page of her own, and she will sometimes respond to a message. I'm not friends with her because she's independent, and she has her own interests. It was decided long ago that we cannot "protect" her from my kinks and shelter her like one would with their offspring. she comes and goes at will, and she has been known to "hijack" my body at inopportune times.
So, what was I up to? I was looking up an explanation of MPD/DID for the woman who was and is upset with Sunshine, because she doesn't understand how a 7 year old could live in the body of a woman who is 50+ years old. I'm thinking that THIS will help. In the meantime, if anyone could assist me with an easier to understand explanation for the woman, please point it out to me. ~ M

Silence (8-5-14)

"Silence is Golden." Who hasn't heard that at one time or another? People neglect to say that Silence can also be an insidious blackish-gray cloud that covers and overtakes everything, until there is Nothing. I am there. I am in the Darkness, becoming Nothing, fighting still, but as the Nothingness overtakes me, I cannot be heard or seen.

Sometimes a wind takes over, and momentarily exposes the sun, but I wonder, if I scream, when I scream, can I even be heard? If I'm heard, will anyone bother to answer, to rescue me? Can they even hear my cries of despair, or do I just sound like a cold howling wind?

I want: I want to be heard.. If I'm not heard. I am Nothing.

I need: I need to be valued as a person, as a human being. If I am devalued, I am Nothing.

If a person is Nothing, then they are already dead, a waste of air and space. I don't want to be those things. I've fought, I've won, and, sometimes, I've lost, but I survived. I lived to see another day. I gained strength from my losses, more so than from the times I won.  Life is funny that way... You lay there on the ground, barely breathing, barely moving, and you slowly, carefully, painfully, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and walk away. Sure, your ego and pride is hurt, but you survived! You aren't a victim, you are a survivor! I am a survivor, but this battle is really taking me out. I'm discouraged.

Someone I Love, someone I value, is fighting against me, against us, and even as I attempt to scream in my dark cloud, I get the feeling he doesn't fully understand or comprehend. It's one thing to say, to admit, that you are destroying everything good in your life by your behavior, but it's altogether different to fully understand and admit it to yourself.If you say you are destroying something, and you continue to destroy it, then your admission means nothing.

I can change my behavior all I want, but I can't change what you are doing. I can tell you about your behavior and how it affects me, but I know even that will not change anything. I can ask, beg, and plead with you to look at what you are doing, I will point out examples as they happen, but unless you decide to stop said behavior, it will continue.

As for me, I'll just keep getting pummeled to the ground, barely breathing, barely moving, and then slowly, carefully, painfully, pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep on going. Or maybe, I'll just lay there for a while and look up at the sky. Either way, I'm not giving up. Not now, not ever. I still catch glimpses of the sun and sky.

Thursday Blues

I woke up early today, not really sure why I did, but it seems to happen quite a bit lately. Sherman was already awake also but it's not unusual for him. It just seems lately there's been so much going on, and I only get part of what's going on written down. Perhaps the reasons will be made clearer by what I've decided to share today. Let's start with Wednesday.

We (Shilo, Sherman, Stitch, and myself) had pre-planned to get together for my birthday party on early Wednesday evening. The designated place was Golden Corral because they had cotton candy and ice cream cones, and Sunshine really enjoys that stuff. Maybe that was a mistake, because she wound up hijacking my body, and I did not get to enjoy anything. I understand she also ate quite a few white chocolate covered strawberries. Evidence of that was found in the toilet this morning. I understand that perhaps this is TMI, but it's my blog and I can write what I want to.What I have not mentioned, is that Shilo and I have been hitting quite a few rough spots lately.

By rough spots, I mean that we have not been getting along very well. He has been surly, argumentative, and generally just difficult to get along with. I have put up with it without much argument because it's just easier to deal with it than to fight with him. Unfortunately, late last night I had about enough, and I told him exactly how I was feeling. Well, not exactly, but I did tell him I was not going to go to bed angry. I explained to him at that point what I was angry about at that moment. I also decided I was going to sleep with Stitch instead of Shilo simply because I was so very frustrated with him. My state of mind lately  has been that if I cannot get along with you, whoever you may be, I most certainly am not about to sleep with you, especially if I have a choice in the matter.  I don't like to make those types of decisions, but sometimes I have no choice in the matter. I slept with Stitch, but he was (thankfully) oblivious to my presence.

This morning, I had a rather long discussion with Shilo after everybody left for work. Unfortunately, the discussion only succeeded in frustrating me and didn't really solve anything. Shilo doesn't seem to understand why I'm so upset, or at least it seems that way to me. He's hurting me to the core, and he does not seem to see it. I did manage to find out that he has not been taking his anti-depressants like he's supposed to. My theory is that's part of the problem but not all of it. I even went so far as to tell him if he wants to be in charge, I will willingly hand him the reins simply because I have just had enough. Instead of understanding my frustration, he simply took it as a veiled threat.

This is my life, this is my frustrations. I'd like to say everything was peachy keen or hunky dory but I would be completely lying. Can't lie forever, especially not to myself. I guess I could actually say that at least things are out in the open now, but it doesn't feel any better. I got so frustrated I just ended the conversation without really solving anything. I just wish he understood. I'm sure he will eventually read this anyway. There's no doubt in my mind he will get angry about it too but I really don't care anymore because he's always angry anyway. Please don't take this as me not Loving him, because I Love him with all my heart. If I didn't Love him I wouldn't put up with this. My hope is that things will improve soon. One can always hope. It's time for me to get my Thursday afternoon started, so I will quit here.

Competition

There is none. I say it all the time. Each (male) person fulfills a different aspect of my life, and, in most cases, one cannot substitute or replace the other. The truth is, while there might be some overlapping skill sets, there is no true replacement for the other. Also, there is always room for more. I am able to love each one fully in my own way. One does not and can not take from the other.

Think of it like a household with multiple children. Each one is loved. Nobody goes without. So, what happens when a new child enters the family, and there's jealousy or sibling rivalry? Ideally, this doesn't happen, because each one knows their place and position, but sometimes, even with all the talking and pre-planning it happens. Someone will get an award at school, or someone won't pass the tryouts, and everything will turn upside down due to the extra attention bestowed on one or the other. Each one has different needs at different times. Yes, we want one to be happy for the other one, but sometimes it's hard or downright impossible. Sometimes, even with all the reminders of love someone will feel a twinge of jealousy. Someone will (temporarily) feel insecure. Someone will be overlooked. When that "someone" is you, it's not easy. Even when you are reminded that you are important and special.

I'm far from perfect. I make mistakes. I forget things. I overlook things, and I even step on the feelings of others unintentionally. When does something go from being a "Merry" thing to being a "Merry and Stitch" thing, or a "Merry and Shilo" thing, or a "Family/Household" thing? How do I know this? When our female boarder asks me Tuesday afternoon if everything is okay between me and Shilo because there was no sound of Tuesday morning WMS, how am I supposed to answer that? When and how exactly did that become a Merry and Shilo thing? Or Monday night lasagna dinner with Stitch? Or late night talks with Sherman? There's even the stuff I do exclusively with my female boarder. I separate those things. Those things are definitely "Merry and (insert name here)" things. Other things are still "Merry" things, like the beginning of the month shopping at the 99 cents only store. I mostly do it with Stitch still, but I've done it with Shilo as well. There's the post-dungeon ice cream stop in Rosemead. Also the pre-dungeon dinner in Rosemead that seems to have mostly fallen by the wayside. I never know how things will change and evolve.

So, what do I desire, and how can I get it? I desire clear communication. I can ask for it, but sometimes I don't know how to ask for it. Generally, if something is important to me, I'll tell a person. but unless someone tells me a thing is important to them, I'll place the same importance on it as I do when it relates to me. An example: Cards and celebrations are important to Shilo when it comes to events such as birthdays and (monthly) anniversaries. I used to treat it like it wasn't a big deal, because it wasn't. It took me not giving him a card on his birthday for him to have a meltdown, Once that meltdown took place, and we discussed our different opinions on it, I learned what he expected, and I do my best to get him  a card on our monthly wedding anniversary date, and I will make a big deal on his birthday with a card, because I was told. Stitch doesn't make a big deal on his birthday, so I still keep it low-key. Who knows what types of expectations Sherman has? I guess I'll find out soon enough.

MORAL OF STORY: Plenty of Love to go around. No real competition. Talk about individual needs, desires, and expectations. My mind-reading skills are not as good as everyone thinks they are.

IN CLOSING:  Naptime!

Just An Update

Things are working out well with Sherman. He gets along well with both Stitch and Shilo, and Shilo was the one I was most concerned about, because he had only heard tidbits about Sherman up until he moved in here. It's also feeling more "permanent" because we now have his dog here in addition to his belongings.

Sherman has also proven that he knows his way around the kitchen, and has made dinner for us (Stitch and me, Shilo was working) a few times now. He also cooked while Shilo and I were camping last week. It's nice that I don't need to worry about cooking food in advance for Stitch when Shilo and I are gone. Shilo also took his turn in the kitchen this past week, modifying a meal he made before for us and adding cooked linguica, much to my delight. It's nice to know I don't have to make dinner if I'm not feeling up to it.

About the campout last weekend: I know I barely mentioned it a week ago, and not since. Shilo and I arrived about 15 minutes after it was scheduled to start, and he set up the tent with minimal help from me. He seemed to have an attitude that it was his job, so I let him at it, even though my helping would have saved time. We were the first ones to arrive. I got to see people I only see twice a year or less, and I even saw "Z"! I was dancing with delight to see her. She's had some rough times, and she looks so good! I'm very happy and proud for her. In the early morning hours (about 1 or so) I put Shilo on a spanking bench, and hit his ass with a number of implements. Then I went into the tent so I could receive my orgasm. He did a great job, but was unable to get or maintain an erection so we could engage in intercourse. I wasn't mad, but I was disappointed. The next paragraph will explain why.

Engaging in intercourse with Shilo is indescribable. Yes, he refers to it as "the ol' in and out" referencing "A Clockwork Orange" and I just write it as sex, but it's so much more than that. Because of the length, thickness, and shape of his penis, we have to have intercourse in missionary position. Any other position is painful because of what was left after my hysterectomy. He hits my g-spot every time!!! Washing sheets and/or towels is something I do frequently, and I don't mind a bit, because the sex is so good. I say terrible things, scream, and scratch like a tigress in heat. As incredible as it is for me, and as much as he enjoys it, there is one very unfortunate problem: He rarely reaches a climax. My theory is that he spent too many years masturbating, and it is so different from intercourse that he cannot cum from intercourse. Don't get me wrong, he will occasionally hit that point, but not very often.Yes, he says he enjoys sex with me, there's nothing wrong with me, and he even initiates sex on a regular basis. Unfortunately, the inability to get or maintain an erection lately has been problematic. My solution is in the next paragraph.

I don't like calling this a solution, because it solves nothing, but it seems to work in some evil, twisted way... He used to lock up in chastity to prevent masturbation before he got together with me, and, even after that, I used his chastity device in that manner, plus on other occasions as well. I won't answer for him, but, for me, it's a fetish. I enjoy seeing him locked in etc. a full explanation is here and it explains much better than my sleep deprived brain ever could. So, on Sunday, July 6th, at about 3 in the afternoon, Shilo got locked up in his newest device. It's silicone, and he says it's comfortable. I can't explain the psychology behind it, nor can I even explain what it does to him, but it seems to work. Also, we don't see chastity as a "punishment" so it works quite well, Actually, that's a misnomer. It is a punishment, for me, mostly, because, as stated before, I ENJOY sex with him so much. Yes, I can unlock him whenever I want. It's just that lately I've wanted to be pursued, and so I've not made the first move with anyone. I don't recall the last time I had sex with Stitch (maybe sometime in early June?) and Sherman, while he was "approved" for sex several years ago by Stitch, he hasn't gotten tested, and I don't feel necessarily sexual towards him, and he's still getting used to things here, so while he will hold me and kiss me, he hasn't tried anything, and, well, Shilo is locked up, and he hasn't even offered me an orgasm. so, yes, it tortures me more than anyone.

I thought about masturbating a few days ago to take off "the edge" a little bit, but I'm too tired. It's funny: I am in my house, running around nearly naked with three relatively healthy men, amd not one has even tried to initiate sex, or foreplay, or even just doing something to warm me up to them. I'm horny, but I'm not going to ask. Maybe it's a pride thing. I know that Shilo reads this sometimes, but who knows when, or even if he will use this information against me? (Or maybe for me?) I'm fully aware that he has masturbated while wearing a chastity device in the past, so even that can't or won't stop him. In the meantime, I just suffer in silence.

In other news, my birthday is tomorrow, and I'm attending a FemDomme party tonight with Shilo. We will actually celebrate my birthday on the 16th at what Sunshine calls "The cotton candy place." Now I must get my weekend started.

Today

This marks the first time we will go out a a Family with our newest member of the Household (Sherman). I acknowledge that even though he's submissive to me, he is a Dominant, and his "rules" are different. I'm pretty sure he has learned to consult with me before he gets "tangled" with someone, but I will have a talk with him about that later on.

Tonight is the South Bay Munch, and because Sherman has never really gone public, he will have lots to learn. This will also be the first munch in a year that Shilo will be able to attend due to his work schedule. I actually gave Sherman a 30 minute "tutorial" on behavior and other things he needs to know when attending a munch. I reminded him that he needs to find his place here before he even tries to get involved with another woman. I think he understands.

Also, Child #4 is still here, so I will be bringing him along as well. Here's hoping he behaves. Plenty of things to do today, so I'm off!

Current Events: Relationship Shifts

Since sometime in early June, I’ve been seeking a domestic sub/slave to make my household complete. It’s not as easy as it may seem. I have requirements and desires, and finding someone with even a majority of the requirements is nearly impossible. For your entertainment, I’ve attached my ad below:

For a long time, I was not actively looking for another submissive or slave. I am still very happy with my slave (and husband) Shilo, but we have mutually decided that adding another submissive, preferably one willing to do domestic duties would help to make our household complete. Male is preferred, but not an absolute necessity. You do not need to be a masochist, but you must be willing to accept discipline.

I prefer that you are over 35 and able to support yourself. You must be in good health and able to lift 50 pounds. Your height and weight doesn’t matter nearly as much as your personality. Smoking and/or drug use will NOT be tolerated, but I am fine with a light social drinker or cannabis user. You must be responsible and able to do housekeeping and assist with yard work and painting. Driving me places in your vehicle or running occasional errands will also be expected. Live-in is not expected, but occasional overnight stays will be required. My household is clothing optional, so you should ideally be comfortable in your own skin.

The following is preferred:

• Ability to swim
• Willingness to be in chastity while in service to household

The following is non-negotiable:

• Must like both dogs and cats.
• Must be willing and able to provide clean HIV status upon request
• Must be available at least 3 times a week, and also attend any family/household meetings.
• Must be discreet. I don't want my neighbors talking.
• Must have local references. This could be vanilla or perhaps a former Master/Mistress.

Please send all inquiries to (email redacted) Please include experience, references and availability.

I later added the following:

I am not a swinger, and I am very selective when it comes to sexual partners, so even if there is mutual attraction, there is no guarantee that I will have sex with you.

You must be service-oriented and not a brat. I expect once weekly meetings to start, and then an increase if and when you are approved and accepted into my household/Family.

My interests are varied, and I like having people around me who will stimulate my mind.

TO CLARIFY: My hope is to find someone who will eventually be a full-time live in member of my poly Household. Something like this takes time, and I do not want to make the wrong decisions in selecting someone. If you do not live in California already, I will not accept your message.

As anyone can see, my desires are stated clearly. It was only after I added the second part that I began to get replies, and I made between 3 and 5 appointments a day on my available days for interviews. There were the usual cancellations and no-shows along with people who lied about their age (“dust in a suit” was Shilo’s term for one of them) and their experience, including one who adamantly refused to come into the restaurant for his interview. I had given up on meeting people a little over a week ago, but I had a few pre-set interview appointments so I kept them.

Then it happened:

A week ago, in the early evening hours, an old friend/acquaintance from high school that is a Dominant called me, asking if he could visit. I invited him to my home back in October, shortly after I married Shilo and moved in the house. I figured he just finally felt the need to talk. I was wrong. Anyway, I invited him to come over about 3 on Saturday, and I told him I only had a two hour window. He arrived, looking more tired than I’ve ever seen him. When I asked about his daughter, he told me she was living with her mother (!!!) and when I asked what happed to his home, he told me about losing it when he lost his contract. So he was jobless, homeless, and without his daughter. Then he told me his fiancée dumped him too, and he was couch surfing. Not good.

I immediately called a Family meeting and asked if Shilo and Stitch would mind him joining the Household. He had already offered to do the work described above, and explained he had seen my ad on my profile. It was a no-brainer. Both Shilo and Stitch agreed that having him in the Household would be a positive thing, and, because Stitch already knew him, and Shilo trusted my judgment on him, it would be a relatively easy thing. So, my newest addition (Sherman) moved in here 5 days ago. He seems to get along well with everyone else, and he helps out as often as possible. He even accepted discipline today without complaint.

It almost goes without saying that there are adjustments being made. A slight growling and regrouping taking place. Sherman doesn’t seem to understand it, so late last night, when the two of us were alone in the hot tub, I explained about “pack mentality” and that most of the tension, if any, had to do with having another male in the pack, and nobody was really sure where Sherman would wind up (Alpha, Beta, Omega) and, until it was settled, there would be some grumbling. So, then Sherman told me he didn’t want anyone to feel displaced. As much as I tried to explain that it was the natural order of things, the more he resisted the idea. I finally told him that there is no competition between any of them, but until the others accepted that, there was going to be a little tension. I think he finally accepted that. Afterwards, he got in the shower with me and washed my hair, and then I went back to bed with Shilo.

Early this morning, when we were awakened by Stitch at 8, I told Shilo about the hot tub and shampoo, and then, in the afternoon while we were shopping, I told him about the actual hot tub discussion concerning Alpha, Beta, and Omega, and Shilo agreed that it was happening. We agreed that, whether or not he liked it, Sherman would eventually fill one of those roles if he stayed around long enough. I get the idea that Shilo is feeling pretty secure in his role as Alpha, so the real settling will be between Stitch and Sherman for Beta and Omega. As for me, I’m not sure on what will happen with any of them. I just know it’s something they need to settle, and it’s not my place to decide who goes where.

Also, Sherman “met” Sunshine yesterday while we were out with Shilo. Sherman decided that he likes Sunshine, and has quickly become protective of her. I feel this is a good thing, and it makes him even more “acceptable” to Stitch and Shilo. As for Sunshine, she relishes the attention. I’ll give reports on this as needed.

In the meantime, Shilo and I are attending the Kinky Campout at BOD on Saturday, so I’ll be away from the computer for a few days.