https://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2017/02/gangbangs-and-other-things-that-go-bump.html
So, are we all caught up now?
Good!!!
When I wrote "
Gangbangs and Other Things That Go BUMP! In The Night"
it was my way of mentally processing everything that had been
discussed, and also to make it clear that my experience, while vast to
some, was barely scratching the surface, and that I wanted to admit my
ignorance in some areas of the sexual realm. I also wanted to share that
I'm not perfect, and I had misjudged some sexual practices out of
ignorance and preconceived notions. I'm not into using 'slut shaming'
for my brothers, sisters and others who enjoy tasting out of the more
hedonistic menu. I even admitted that I had tasted out of the more
hedonistic menu at times, but I had resisted some things, based solely
on the name of those items without actually trying them. I admitted to
stopping keeping count of sexual partners from my past. Not necessarily
out of shame, but more from realizing how inconsequential many of them
had been. I know how many people Shilo has been with (about 5) and how
many women Stitch has been with (I'm #3) I believe my Boyfriend has been
with several inconsequential people as well, and I don't care about the
number. To me, the only one who "counts" is the woman I consider to be
his Primary. Yes, I know about the ex-wife and etc. but please allow me
my peace of mind. Anyway, I admit to having many NSA relationships when I
was younger.
When I began dating Stitch in 2004, I was damaged from a recent crime
that put me into full-blown PTSD and I was afraid of my own shadow. It
unfortunately wasn't my first experience, and PTSD really can suck the
life and joy out of you. He was slow and patient with me. I told him
about my submissive and explained that my BDSM practices had nothing to
do with sex. We made an agreement on my Polyamory that was
my
idea and stuck to it. Yes, we've altered it over the years to include
certain others like Shilo and the Boyfriend (The Boyfriend really does
deserve a better Title, doesn't he?) but the basics are still there
regarding how I go about adding others, meeting Stitch (and now Shilo as
well) and my purposely complicated approval process for sexual partners
that I made up for my emotional protection. Just under our 2 year
dating mark, the Boyfriend told me he wanted to jump through those
hoops. I admire him for his perseverance. Did I mention that his
Primary was the one who encouraged him to do so? She's a real gem, and
I'm happy to have her in my life.
NSA sex (intercourse) with men was a part of my long ago past, but
that was long ago. I officially kissed it goodbye when I made that
agreement with Stitch, although it had been a long while since I
actually did it by the time I was dating Stitch. In fact, I dated him
for 10 months before we actually "did the deed." Like I wrote above, I
was
damaged. I think that we're all caught up now.
So in the early morning hours of Tuesday, February 7th, I completed my blog "
Gangbangs and Other Things That Go BUMP! In The Night."
I had a snack, and since Shilo works modified graves, I called him at
work to tell him I had written something and that I wanted feedback. He
surprised me by telling me that he had already finished reading it. I
started to ask him how he felt about it, completely forgetting that he
wasn't alone. We agreed to discuss it in the morning when he came home,
and we discussed it for what felt like a long time, and he finally
stopped me by telling me his views on me and sex. Below is the "
Reader's Digest" Edition:
I Love you. I know you Love me. I know nothing will change
that, and as long as you come home to me and Stitch, I'll be happy. I'm
secure in our relationship, and I know that nothing will change that.
Sex is just sex.
It blew my mind. I had been so totally worried about this, my head
all tied up in knots over what I thought his reaction would be, and
instead he wound up reassuring me. That didn't last very long though,
because the sneaky asshole (and I mean it in the nicest way possible)
decided to talk to Stitch about it while driving him home in the
afternoon without even asking or informing me of his intentions. In
other words, I was
ambushed!!! I was
not
pleased! Yes, I know that if Shilo hadn't done this, it would have just
sat in the back of my mind. Shilo can be a real instigator, much like a
yappy dog nipping at my ankles. He gets things done, whether I like it
or not.
I glowered at Shilo knowing that I was going to be giving him what
was as of that moment, a well-deserved spanking before he left for work.
No doubt he will argue whether or not it was deserved, but he got it
anyway.
Shilo decided to go back to bed so I could talk to Stitch, who was
teasing me mercilessly over this thing, and I was totally unprepared. I
decided that the best thing I could do was show him the blog entry so he
could read it and then ask questions.That's not what happened. Instead,
he told me he was okay with it. I stopped him and told him he has no
say in it.
What??? No say???!!! Why???
Why would Shilo have a say in this and not Stitch? I told Stitch he
unknowingly gave up his right when he decided at his 60th Birthday
nearly 2 years ago to stop all sexual contact with me.
This is where the healing comes into play. I know what I told Stitch
was cruel and unfeeling, but he needed to know what I felt. He rejected
me. He treated me like I was no longer the woman he desired. Love is
wonderful, yes, but merely telling me that he Loves me isn't enough.
He's not impotent. He just stopped approaching me for sex. I'm a woman, I
want to feel desired. I
need
to feel desirable. It was like he was throwing me to the wolves. Until
my relationship with Stitch is on track, I cannot in good conscience
engage in intercourse with other men, especially in an NSA way. I
reminded him that he will probably statistically live another 20 years,
and then I asked him if he wanted to spend it with me. I knew the
answer, but I needed to hear it.
This isn't about sex at all. It's about Love and Respect for your
Partner. It's about communication. It's not a complaint, it's a knock
upside his head. A taste of reality. He/We need to work on our fucked-up
relationship. He has to make an effort. Otherwise I will only be filled
with guilt. I place value on my relationships. I haven't given him a
deadline. I know I can't "force" him to do something he doesn't want to
do, but my sincere hope is that he
really Loves me and truly
desires
me. I promised him years ago that I'd never leave him and that I would
always take care of him as long as I was alive. I told Shilo that before
we got emotionally involved. Shilo accepted Stitch, Stitch accepted
Shilo. Now it's time for Stitch to make that commitment to me.
Does this mean that I will never have sex with Shilo or the
Boyfriend? I didn't say that. Those relationships are established.
There's no need for them to be adjusted. Does this mean I won't start
another intimate relationship with a male out of my extended polycule?
Pretty much! Does this mean that I'll never experience a gangbang? I
don't know. A whole bunch of that depends on what Stitch decides to do.
Besides, right this moment, it's in the thinking stage. Even if things
were perfect, it may or may not happen.
Slow tiny baby steps.