Processing (12-28-2017)

Don’t mind me. I’m just sitting here at my desk thinking about recent events. There’s nothing wrong with thinking about things, only… 

 

 

Well, only in this particular case, there are others who have asked about my feelings, and even some who are concerned enough to want to reassure me. Between you, (the reader) me, and the lamppost, I’m glad for the reassurances even though I don’t need them. It proves to me that I really am cared for, and that my feelings (mostly positive, as opposed to negative, but undecided) matter. Having my feelings matter is important, and a very big thing for me.


I won’t lie: Yesterday, there was a (very) brief moment where a voice told me that I didn’t have a choice in the matter, and that might be true in a way, but what it didn’t say (and never says) is that I’m not any less important just because of the changes. I know where I stand. I know my place, I know my history, and I recognize my importance. What makes all this (my feelings and the events) funny is that I’ve had this conversation with both Stitch and Shilo at one point or another, regarding them and their status with me. The tables have turned a bit. The only difference is that I’m not left wondering why I can’t be “enough” because I know that reason. I have also known for a long time that something like this was going to happen eventually.


“Just coffee, “Just a meeting,” “Just a play date,” “Maybe a sub,” “WOW!” I’m familiar with those phrases. I’m also familiar with “How do you feel about,” “Do you like,” and “I’m thinking about.” I’ve always voiced my opinion since my meltdown in June of this year. It was very “unlike me” to do that, but I was also taken seriously because I’ve never done that before, and I probably will never do it again. It was that meltdown that opened the door to the phrases I mentioned earlier in this paragraph.


A few weeks ago, I was given the “How do you feel about” in reference to more than one person for various reasons. I replied positively about most, but I also expressed some unease about a situation and gave various reasons why, including that I hate to see or hear about someone I love getting disappointed by something or someone. I have reserved the right to say “I told you so” in those matters, but instead I usually get “You were right” and that makes me feel good.


I’m glad I wrote about this. I feel more clear-headed about things now. If someone were to ask me about my feelings, I’d say that I’m okay. I don’t want or need reassurances right now, but if that changes, I promise I’ll say something.

Poly Christmas Thoughts (12-24-2017)

Woke up 4AM couldn't sleep, so here I am. I know it's Christmas Eve, but since Shilo works on Christmas, I'm making Christmas dinner tonight (heaven knows how I'll do it next year!)


Anyway, Christmas dinner tonight, Christmas breakfast tomorrow on Christmas day. My son Babyman is with me, and he'll visit his dad's side of the family with Jonathan (who is feeling better) tomorrow. (Thank you for the prayers)


In the meantime, I've been trying (to no avail) to remember Mom's recipe for Christmas pork, and I even bought the pork and wine yesterday. I've made it a few times over the years when she was alive, and I even made it my first Christmas after marrying Shilo 4 years ago.


I finally went online this morning (since I couldn't sleep) and found a variation of it that was close enough to the original that I've remembered Mom's recipe (gotta buy GARLIC!!!) so I'm really looking forward to eating it with scrambled eggs and orange rolls on Christmas morning. I'm also trying a new (to me) recipe for ham that you make in the crockpot today for dinner. If you're curious, I'm making chili with Stitch on Christmas Day for dinner.


Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to ALL! Remember, it's not the date on the calendar that counts, it's the spirit in how you celebrate it!

Mister Temperamental

Mister Temperamental is just that. Temperamental.

Mister Temperamental holds things in.

Mister Temperamental becomes sullen when he is angry.

Mister Temperamental holds grudges.

Mister Temperamental wants what he wants when he wants it.

Mister Temperamental probably thinks this is about him.

Mister Temperamental misunderstands things and blows up.

Mister Temperamental can be a know-it-all.

Mister Temperamental can be sweet and loving when he isn't temperamental.

Mister Temperamental unintentionally burns bridges.

Mister Temperamental is really insecure.

Mister Temperamental is NOT a bad person.

Mister Temperamental is unhappy, but he's not sure why.

Mister Temperamental wants everyone else to be miserable as well.

Mister Temperamental has many wonderful qualities that others can't see.

Mister Temperamental is sometimes offensive.

Mister Temperamental will defend the honor of those he Loves.

Mister Temperamental isn't one person, he is many, and some are a she.

Mister Temperamental is ALL of us at one time or another.

How many of you see yourself in this?

Can't Do It

I have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and normally, I get through it with lots of fluids, plenty of rest, and what my former Therapist (Peter Pan)  called my "secret weapon." A really great antidepressant that has minimal side effects.  Unfortunately, it's not working as well as I hoped this month, and I'm not feeling anywhere close to my best. Add that Shilo is fighting his own demons, and it multiplies.

It's making for a less-than-happy December, and if you add that December 21 will make 5 years since my Mother died unexpectedly, I'm beginning to wonder if I will get through this month without becoming a sobbing incoherent mess that hides in bed all day and night.

I'm not incapable of happy moments, and I never completely give up. After all, as the saying goes: "The Show Must Go On," and I will do my very best to do so. It's just that it's becoming a bigger and bigger struggle to do it, and I sometimes worry that it will overtake me.  The good news is that as long as I struggle and worry about it, my mental health is okay. It's when I completely give up and give in that things become dangerous. I have never given up. I just have to muddle through this the best I know how.

I am very fortunate and thankful to have Shilo and Stitch by my side, and Donna as my support animal. She really does help, even though sometimes I wish she would give me more space.
  (Donna in space)

Maybe I need a pleasant distraction. Maybe I have too much time on my hands, and finding something to do for someone else will help. Anyway, I'm up for suggestions.

Thank you for reading this.

Merry

For Anyone New Here

I don't post all the time. In fact, I'm easily distracted (SQUIRREL!) and sometimes I just feel there's nothing interesting to write, although I'm pretty sure a reader or two would argue otherwise.

So, in order to fill my desire to write, and understanding that I have the occasional writer's block, here's an invitation:

I invite anyone reading this to ask me anything, and I will either give a short explanation (not desirable) or I will write a long explanation (more desirable) or if you want a story, just ask. I'd prefer personal-type questions, but feel free to challenge me (Daddy W used to do that to me, and I would curse under my breath as I researched things) but just ask.

My only request is that if posting Anonymously, please give me a nickname so I can use it in my answer.

Thank you!
Merry

(Almost) 5 Months Post Polyamory Agreement and Other Events.

I know, I rarely post here, but I figured it was time for me to update on my boyfriend (Mike) and how our relationship is going post agreement.

Mike has had several starts and stops with female subs, including one I was excited about finally meeting. He used the "L" word (Love) with her, and she panicked and ended it. Apparently she wanted just sex, in spite of claiming that she was polyamorous. Not a good match!

For most of July (and part of August) before he went back to school (He's in his second year of Law School at a college in OC) his communication was sporadic, and I knew he had lots of things on his mind, so I didn't make an issue about it, choosing instead to initiate conversation and not complaining. That first Saturday after school started, we were texting back and forth, and he was telling me that weekend homework was bad enough, but doing laundry in the tiny apartment washers and taking his bedding to the cleaners because of the tiny washers was killing him. A light bulb went on in my head.  I said "Honey, that's just too much! How about if I help you? You can drop off your laundry here and pick it up at your convenience? I have a HUGE washer and dryer." He hesitated, but I added "Nobody will complain."  I just viewed it as an additional way to see him at least twice a week, and he would have to communicate with me on a regular basis. 

It's worked out really well. Sometimes it's a quick drop off and pickup, and other times he plans a nice date with me on the drop off day. On the Sunday before Halloween he took me to Magic Mountain with him! I've been eating delicious vegan food as well, because when he takes me out, it's always vegan. He said he doesn't mind me eating meat, but I enjoy the adventure of trying new things. I have only had one bad experience with vegan food, and it was when he made vegan pizza for me. Pizza isn't my favorite food to begin with, so after that, I just told him that pizza and I don't get along very well.

We were texting back and forth Tuesday (11-7) afternoon, and he mentioned how happy he was with our relationship. Then I dropped the bomb that I was thisclose to ending things with him before we made a formal agreement because I was feeling like I was just an option to him, and not a priority at all. He would  rarely contact me, and our dates (when we had them) were rushed and/or he was distracted. Now when we go out, he's always as focused on me as much as I'm focused on him. He holds my hand when we cross the street, and he smiles and laughs. It's just really good to be in that space with him.

In other news, the submissive I was "considering" considering wasn't communicating with me very often, in spite of my encouragement. It was frustrating, and it reached a boiling point when at noon the day before my Magic Mountain trip, he sent me a message asking me why I didn't tell him where we were going that evening. I told him we weren't going anywhere because he never bothered to contact me about buying tickets, so I made plans to sit at home and watch shows that were accumulating on my DVR. I gave him a few days to think that over, and then I made a last-minute dinner date with him, and then asked him to join us (Shilo and myself) in attending a dungeon party. During that date, I reminded him that maintaining our relationship was his responsibility because I'm not going to pursue him. I told him that yes, I was very interested in him, but I need to feel desired, and if I'm the one to always make contact, then something is lacking. It's gotten better since that talk last week and our dungeon date went well. I sent him a text yesterday afternoon asking him if he was free this weekend, and he was very enthusiastic.

Friday (11-10) is Shilo's Birthday (he'll be 61!) and we haven't made any definite plans because he's been sick this week. 

Finally, my honesty about who I am and what I do, and how I live seems to be paying off, even in "Lake Vanilla" AKA Vanilla dating sites (OKC) I've been ignoring my stuff there for a few months, but I got a very nice detailed message last week from a recent NY transplant. I quizzed him on my profile content and his opinion on it, and I suggested that he ask me anything he isn't sure about. We had a late lunch yesterday, and he's genuinely nice. Not holding my breath, but having someone who who only wants to go out with no expectations is a breath of fresh air.

If you're curious about my dating profile, you can find it below:

https://www.okcupid.com/profile/freenpoly

For My Loving Stalker

You! You know who you are. You were so shy and timid when we met. Apologizing for everything to the point where you made me crazy. You told me all about your hopes and desires. Then one day, without warning, you disappeared.

Maybe a year later, I received a one word text:

sorry

It was you! We went back and forth again, and you disappeared once more. Never to return (or so I thought)

Then, about a week ago, I received the following email:

Hi Mistress Merry, 

It has been awhile. I hope you haven't forgotten me. We met awhile back like 2014.

I ran into your musings blog and found them very insightful.

I wanted to see how you were doing you.  Hope you, Shilo and Stitch are doing great.

Miss you.

I replied back:

2014? That was a lifetime ago! I can barely remember what I had for dinner last week. 

Please don't take it personally. I just don't recall meeting a (name redacted). Maybe you could tell me where we met, and hopefully it will jog my memory. 

Everyone in my Household is well, and thank you for asking. There's been a few changes, but most of them are good. 

Then you wrote back and gave me the missing details. I was happy, proud even, because not once did you apologize. I felt you had gained some maturity. I even mentioned it. Then, at one point during our back and forth, you did it. You apologized! To me! Because I was slow in responding, and you thought you had offended me!

An undeserved or unnecessary apology is probably the most offensive thing you could offer or say to me. A well-deserved apology is always appreciated, but I will tell you when one is necessary. I prefer blunt honesty, because while it might hurt at the moment, in the long run, it's helpful. 

You will be held responsible for what you say or do, and even if you do the wrong thing, an apology isn't necessarily in order, but an acknowledgement of the misdeed is.

I prefer to dole out discipline over hearing an apology, but I will occasionally expect both. To make things easier for everyone, I have a few points to share with you. Read them, and understand them.

The following is a Fet Blog entry read it and understand it:

I'm a Dominant. That means that, like it or not, I get to decide if I want you around me, my Household, my Pack, my chosen Family. It means, in my Household, at least, I get to choose your position. Are you an Alpha male? Well, I get to decide that. Trying to find my favor and usurping authority does not go over well. My Household has a hierarchy. You can be Beta, Omega, or somewhere in between, but I chose the Alpha male. He has earned that spot.

 

If or when I invite you to be a part of my Household, I will give you my rules for all household members. I will be patient and kind in explaining what I expect, and how I want things done. I will correct you the first few times you make an error, but I will expect you to remember them. I might even go behind you and do things the way I want them done. I expect you to notice and learn. I expect no argument as to why you think your way is better. In fact, arguing will not be tolerated. Discussions are welcome.

I do my best to be fair and equal and I give options whenever possible. Do not mistake my kindness for weakness. Do not, even for a moment, think you will get away with shit. I keep track. I listen, and I know. I have a breaking point, and you will have time to get your shit in order. I might surprise you, but it's only because you didn't listen or heed the warnings that were liberally given.

Don't point fingers at the others. Don't disrespect them. They have the same rules as you. Let this serve as a warning to those who follow your footsteps. It's too late for one, but there will be others, and they will be wise to learn from your mistakes.

And here is yet another helpful blog entry from Fet:

A Lesson

 

Early in a relationship, I will often assign small tasks to complete with a 24 or 48 hour deadline. Most of them are writing related, and something anyone can complete in about an hour. (Unless you type like me, then it's a 3 hour struggle) When I make this politely stated request, it is a DEMAND. I expect it to be done within that deadline. There are no excuses, no negotiating. I want it done.

New subs often freak out, and over-think these assignments because they want to make a perfect presentation. The truth is, I don't expect a perfect presentation. I don't even want a perfect presentation. I want to see the flaws. I want to see the imperfections. I want to see them as they really are, and not some college-level paper.

I won't tell a sub this, because I want to see how they process the request. I want to see if they can follow simple directions and what happens when I give them something low-pressure that might appear to be high pressure. I want to see if they will simply do as they are told, or make excuses. I want to "separate the wheat from the chaff." These things are what shows me if a submissive is ready to serve me, or is self-serving.

The Truth is, I don't want to see anyone fail with me, because then it becomes my fault. My failure. It means I made the error of choosing someone incapable of serving me.

Please understand: I know I'm imperfect and I make mistakes. I'm human, I get it! However, I have made so many terrible, nay, horrible decisions regarding people (mostly men) in my life that it's cringe-worthy. It's why I made all these rules regarding my polyamory practices. It's to save me from myself. It's to prevent an upheaval of the people closest to me. My Pack, my Family, my Household has the people most important to me. They are the ones who are most affected by my decisions, whether they are good or bad. They are the ones who get hurt more than me in those instances. I don't want to spend any more time repairing those relationships. So... after my last (HUGE) mistake, I'm making sure that I carefully screen the ones I allow to get close to me.

So, those requests with deadlines? If you want to serve me, if you want to 'prove' you're ready to be my submissive, get them done by the deadline, because if you don't, or you try to negotiate this non-negotiable thing, all you will do is end what could be a wonderful thing, and prove that you aren't ready to be my submissive. CHOOSE WISELY!

And, Finally, this one:

Note To A Submissive Male

Soo... I somehow managed to charm you in some way, and you find me to be delightful. I appreciate that, I really do, but it always catches me by surprise, and I find myself wondering “Why me? There's nothing special about me. After all, I'm just myself.” I guess me being me is a good thing, although I often find myself comparing myself to others. You know.. the younger prettier ones with their nice bodies, firm breasts and perfect asses. I was like them once, a very long time ago. I guess age and experience trumps a young pretty face. Maybe I possess that undefinable 'it factor.' Maybe I need to stop worrying about it, and just enjoy it. Either way, you want me, and I have you. Now I just have to enjoy you.

I could tell you I'm not like the others, but you already know that. I could tell you I'm not for everybody, that I'm an acquired taste, but you know that too. I could tell you I'll twist your mind, turn you inside out, and make you dependent on me, but I honestly believe that is what you're secretly hoping for. So, what's my secret? There is none. I'll look you in the eye and tell you about myself, show you my flaws, and pour myself out to you. I'll tell you the painful truth, and I'll expect the same from you.

I will push you and take you places you never imagined. I will show you my complete self, and I won't apologize for being me, but I will apologize for my mistakes, and, trust me, I make mistakes. I learn from them too. I have rules, I prefer that you follow them, and don't push my patience level. I have a low tolerance for brats. Even so, I don't let go and release people easily. I'm not good at ending things. Don't try me, don't push me. You won't like me if you do.

You will never be my 'one and only' but you are my only you, and I like you like that. Don't try to be someone else. Try not to be jealous of Shilo or Stitch. They live with me, They see me at my worst. They've taken care of me when I was sick and unbearable. Ask yourself if that's what you want. It's true, you will eventually witness me in a bad state, but there's no need to rush into it.

I will tell you as much as I know at any given time, but believe me when I tell you that it's not everything. I am unable to remember it all, so when I casually mention something you never heard me say before, don't be surprised or hurt. Instead, chalk it up to my faulty memory. I'll never purposely hide something from you. I have nothing to hide.

Maybe some time in the future, I'll allow you into my life completely, but in the meantime, please enjoy me, Ask me questions and learn from me, but don't challenge me unless you want a way out. Know that I'm writing this so you'll know. Try to be happy, and don't over-think things.

The adventure awaits you!

Now, my dear Loving Stalker, Do you understand what is necessary, and do you think you're up for it?

Pay No Attention To The Men Behind The Curtain!

I'm considering "considering" a submissive. I've decided to take this slowly and see if he's really up to serving me, and I have no desire to rush things. He's recently divorced, and sometimes I feel as if he wants romance. Romance can be nice, but it's not what I want right now. I've spoken in a very straightforward way about this. I'm not fond of breaking hearts, so I have been honest to a fault. He's even met Shilo, and is completely aware of what he's getting into. Still, I am taking this painfully slow.

Strangely enough, my boyfriend is dating someone new, a polyamorous female submissive, and things are progressing well. I'm looking forward to meeting her, and I plan on working hard to not make comparisons. I'm glad he's seeing someone, because he actually seems happy, and I recall how unhappy he was just a few months ago.

Then, over the weekend, I received an email from someone who knows me well enough to call me "Mistress Merry" and he made references to Stitch and Shilo as well. It was slightly unnerving, because I didn't recognize the name, so I explained that I didn't recognize his name. Fortunately, he gave me his middle name and I remembered him.  It was actually someone that liked both Shilo and myself, and was interested in serving a couple, and liked the idea of being part of a "harem"  (his words, not mine) I'm actually thinking of taking him up on his offer and putting him to work around the house. I could use an escort/driver to weekday evening activities, and he would be perfect. Maybe I can start  doing fun weekday stuff after all...

So yeah, there are men behind the curtain, but for now, pay no attention.

Music To My Ears

HIM: ::smiling at me:: I'd really love to have sex with you right now, but it's too damn hot.

ME: ::melts::

Knowing I'm desired and desirable is one thing, but actually hearing those words really sends it home to me.

And, yes, it's TOO DAMN HOT!!!

To My Readers

If any of you read about what happened to my Household on Friday, July 21st, I'd like to share some good news:


Even though we were unable to get a loan to cover the money that was taken from the Household account, my savings, and a joint account that has Shilo's name on it ($3,600 total), between Shilo cashing in some vacation, an unexpected check in the mail, donations sent via Paypal, a check on its way in the mail, and some donations from GoFundMe, it looks like we are close enough to our goal ($2,500) that ALL the expenses (Rent, car insurance, utilities and gasoline so Shilo can go to work) are covered.


It's been a rough 9 days, and it feels good to breathe easy again.

One Year Ago Today (7-25) Just Before Midnight... And other things...

I had my accident, and broke my right humerus in two places.The following afternoon, my Mentor lost his life after suffering a series of major strokes. He was 64.

Today I'm mostly healed, although I sometimes have residual pain. There are still some things I'm unable to do in spite of the many hours of PT that I endured. Still, I'm grateful for the movement I have, and I know what a long way I've come since then.

On July 13th, I turned 56. A few nights later, Shilo and Stitch took me out to dinner.  It was a fun night, and I'm glad we went out.

On July 21st, I woke up to this email:

There were 2 other emails in addition to this one. A total of $3,666 and some change was taken from my accounts. Note that the one above is marked "HOUSEHOLD."  Keep in mind that while these accounts all have my name on it. not a single penny is mine. The money belonged to Stitch and Shilo. It was the money we use for rent, utilities, car insurance and gasoline so Shilo can get to and from work every day (75 miles roundtrip!)

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN???!!!

is a question we've been asked by others. It's simple, and yet not so simple. Our theory is that sometime in March wile we were moving a Summons was handed to someone (my guess is my oldest son age 33) and it wasn't given to me. The court date came, and a default judgement was made, so my funds were seized.

Shilo drove me to the Van Nuys Courthouse and we were told to call the Attorney for the other side. They didn't care that the money wasn't "mine" all they cared about was that they got "their" money.

Over the weekend both Shilo and Stitch (together and separately) applied for loans from at least 20 different companies with each one getting rejected. As a last-ditch effort, I opened a Go Fund Me page. This isn't my proudest moment. I don't like showing my vulnerabilities, and I DETEST asking for help, but like my Mom always told me "You don't get if you don't ask;" and this is truly an emergency.  If you are willing or able to help, the link is below. Also, if you want to share, it would be appreciated.


(GoFundMe link redacted)


Thank You!

♥

Merry

The Agreement (One week later) with Fire Details Bonus

Fire Details?

Let's go there first. Did I mention that my boyfriend is originally from England? He even has a thick British accent. Unfortunately, he mumbles often, so talking on the phone is often an exercise in futility. I personally DETEST texting, but he is my exception to the rule, but more in that later.

I'm pretty sure we can all agree that when it comes to verbal expressions, the British have a way with words that most people in the US just don't quite understand. His "verbiage" caused a woman to get upset with him recently, and she accused him of being thoughtless and mean. He may be a Sadist, but he is neither thoughtless or mean. It's just that what his British friends would laugh and smile at, this poor woman took to be an insult. Now, instead of just apologizing and moving on (like any other man should do!) He explained himself!


Any woman in the US will tell you that all explaining does is get us more upset and angry! The smart (US) way of just apologizing usually suffices, and prevents blowups. Poor dear man! He just doesn't "get" it, so between dealing with my own stuff, I got stuck between a crying justifiably angry woman, and a sweet confused man saying "But, I was..." It's after 10:30 here and my phone hasn't gone off, so I think (hope) all is well.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Back to the Agreement:

I don't normally share details of my formal agreements with others, but in order to understand the progress (or lack thereof) it might be helpful to know what's in  this one, so I will share.

Here is a copy of the Agreement with requests:


General Agreement Proposal

We agree that this Relationship was and is founded in Love, and that we will speak to one another in a Loving and Caring manner, always showing respect for each other. We may not always agree on things but we will do our best to not say hurtful or disrespectful things to one another.

We understand/agree that polyamory is involved, and that in itself requires open lines of communication at all times. We promise to discuss our feelings, rather than allow bad feelings to fester, and, if either of us feels overwhelmed and unable to speak, the affected person will write down what S/he is feeling in a journal entry or email, and direct the other's attention to it.

We may pursue relationships with others, but we are not obligated to discuss it until such a time when we feel that said relationships will be of some Importance. Fetlife or Facebook relationship changes are considered to be important. Boyfriend’s FWB’s are not included in this.

If Merry decides she wants to pursue a serious relationship with someone, She will hold a meeting with Shilo, Stitch, and Boyfriend (if he desires) so that She may discuss Her feelings and gain their approval. They understand that they are expected to give approval, unless they can provide a justifiable reason as to why said relationship would be detrimental to Her. They also understand that if they have not yet met the person in question, a meeting will be held so they can ask questions and get to know the person. They will not discuss their opinions amongst themselves unless Merry is present.

Any sexual relationships (in this case, intercourse) other than FWB’s will be discussed in advance if possible. Any potential sexual partners for Merry are required to have a current HIV test done, and must interview separately with each Family Member (Currently Merry, Shilo, and Stitch) unless otherwise agreed. Approval is by majority vote. Boyfriend understands that Merry wants and appreciates feedback on her decisions, and hopes that Boyfriend will give the same courtesy to her.

Boyfriend agrees to never mention his FWB’s with Merry unless he is directly asked. Both Boyfriend and Merry agree to focus on each other when they are together. Other people and/or obligations will only be discussed in a general manner.

Requests

I would like to see you a minimum of once a month preferably twice. Days and amount of time at your convenience.

It would be nice if we contacted each other on a more regular basis. Once or twice a week, by Fetmail or text even if it’s only “Wow, I’m so busy, hope you are well.”

We will try to attend one event a year as a couple.

We agree to always use condoms and/or gloves when needed during sexual encounters with each other.

Boyfriend may request that Merry dress a certain way on their dates together. Merry agrees to any reasonable request.


I felt it was reasonable, although my boyfriend had a lot of "What if?" type questions.  He said he could not agree to notification in advance because sometimes things "just happen" (I rolled my eyes at that, but said nothing) and he also said that he couldn't commit to one event a year and made some silly excuse. Again, I rolled my eyes. I decided it wasn't worth the argument because he will eventually do it my way anyway (Because all men do) I also asked if he had any requests or suggestions, and he said he didn't. I'm jut waiting on it. It will come.

Since it's been a week I will share:

He has texted and Fetmailed me for six of the past 7 days, often with a back and forth of not understanding why someone is angry at him. I sent him a Fetmail requesting that he escort me to an event. Not as a date, but as a ride. He then went on to explain that he made plans to be with some girl (meaning sub) that night. I explained again that I wanted a ride, not a play partner. He agreed. 

The event above is in a month, and it's not a date. He hasn't yet made a date with me. I am waiting somewhat impatiently, but I am smiling because I trust he will remember. 

So far, I will give him an "E" for effort, because he is trying.

↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑ ↑

TRUE! 5 MORE DAYS!!! 

This is Donna Dawg-Lass, my Pitbull (Bonus points if you know who she was named after)

Isn't she sweet? A week ago, instead of jumping on the bed with us, she put her head on the foot of the bed and whined. I thought it was strange, but I was tired, and she eventually settled on the floor. On Saturday afternoon, while I was cooking, she sat down watching me, and her head seemed to be cocked severely to the left. In fact, her walking was wobbly like she was drunk and she had a "stupid" look on her face. I called the vet at 7:15 Monday morning, and Donna as there at 8:30. Everything seemed normal, so the vet took some blood and gave a diagnosis of Idiopathic Vestibular Syndrome. Other than that, she said a "wait and see" approach was best. The vet called yesterday while I was asleep (it figures!) and told me the results were normal. In fact, they were "Excellent!"

Her head is less cocked today, but she still can't get up on the bed, so she has a blanket on the floor.

So, What's up with YOU?

Silence

"is golden".
Said the introvert quietly.

"But WHYYY???!!!"
the toddler and teenager screamed.

"Come closer and listen."
The Teacher said.

So they all huddled quietly at the feet of the introvert. And waited.
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And waited
 

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and waited some more.



Just as her audience was about to leave, the introvert spoke:

"We have sat in silence for a very long time. You waited to hear my words, because I rarely speak, but when I do, you find wisdom in my words. Am I correct?" They all nodded eagerly.


"Some people just like to hear their own voice. They speak nonstop about others, always presenting themselves as the Hero or the Victim when they are neither. No, they are Liars and Instigators. They bring Destruction to anyone who falls for their many words. They add some truth to their lies, and they sit in wait for anyone who will correct them, and then claim again to be the victim."

"Do you understand?"


The teenager spoke:
"So sometimes instead of being so eager to defend myself, I should sit and watch instead?"


"Yes," the introvert said. "If you have a good character, and you are honest, people who know you will vouch for you. They will see the lies for what they are, and, if asked, they will speak the truth."


"But what about that mean kid that steals my toys?" the toddler asked. "Does it mean I shouldn't tell on her?"


The Teacher spoke:
"My darling Little One, yes, you should always tell someone who can help you when something bad happens."


The introvert added:
"If you are known to be truthful, then people will believe you when you ask for help. If you always whine and complain, people are less likely to believe you."


THE MORAL:
I stand by my words. When I see injustices done to those I consider Family, I will come to their aid. Do NOT Fuck with my Family, Do NOT Fuck with my friends, Do NOT Fuck with the Ones I Love. I don't have to lift a finger or speak a word. Justice has a way of taking care of things.


Mary Price https://www.facebook.com/merrrycontrary

Life Is Funny That Way

All that kerfuffle for nothing!

Okay, I admit it: I wasn't exactly thrilled with my boyfriend's rapid descent into insanity by getting together with a woman shortly after his girlfriend broke up with him. 

 However, I was thrilled that he was willing to meet with me and negotiate an agreement regarding our polyamorous relationship. I was even more thrilled when he kept his promise and met with me. I found a vegan cafe within walking distance of where I live recently, so that's where we went.

I wasn't happy about this new girl, but I never told him on our numerous back and forth messages because I honestly didn't know how to approach it without sounding snarky or bitchy.

When he texted me about being on his way, he made an offhand comment about this being a particularly difficult week.

At this point, not much he says or does surprises me. Still, I was pleasantly surprised to find out that the new girl not only broke it off with him, but she also blocked him on all social media. I swear I had nothing to do with it, but I did tell him about all my concerns regarding her. He completely understood, and even mentioned "dodging that bullet." I'm glad he saw it that way.

So we did have that sit down meeting about our polyamory agreement, and I'm pleased to say that I got most of what I asked for. I even suggested that he gets to know a few women on my circle of friends that are nice and eligible.

I will try to update on this at a later date to see if he follows through.

It Isn't Badmouthing If It's True

I don't want her to fail. She's failed so many times before. Trainwreck is a trainwreck. Even a blind man can see that. Too bad lust causes a different type of blindness. I just have to watch it in slow motion. I already know he's going to get hurt and I can't help him. I just have to watch.

I won't even say I told you so to him because I didn't tell him. I mean it's all there in plain sight for him to see. She's going to rip him apart. I will hate her for it, because he DESERVES better, but he's too blind to see it. I don't understand the desperation he's in. I can give him what he wants. She will too, at least for a little while. Then she will be on a trainwreck again and drag him down with her. Lucky me! I will have to pick up all the pieces.

Right now I just don't like her because I know her past. When she hurts him, then I will hate her, I don't wish bad on her. I just see what's ahead.

I hope I'm wrong. I hope she is good and nice and loving. But I doubt it.

I'll just sit and wait. Then, when he's properly bandaged, I'll introduce him to some women who are worthy of him.

FYI: The above was written by Sunshine. I've corrected spelling, but the grammar is all hers.

An explanation of sorts: AKA: WHY is she a trainwreck?

I don't claim to know it all, and we all have our problems, but recent history says it all.

As someone with demons of my own, I understand the importance of proper medication and therapy. I get that. I have a very easy "cocktail" of medication that keeps my head in the right direction. The woman has rapid cycling Bipolar Disorder. She is NOT medication compliant by her own admission. She drinks heavily (again by her own admission) and uses various drugs as well. It's not healthy. He is a vegan. She isn't, and she's not the type to even try it.

Over the past 24 months, she has had no less than 20 jobs. The longest one lasted a month. In the same amount of time, she has had 10 failed relationships, one only lasting 12 hours.

Like I've written elsewhere, I've known her for the past 2 years.We were friendly and used to communicate. I read her journal/blog for over 2 years. This is soon to be ugly.

Sometimes It Stays

Sometimes it ends. Other times, it just slowly fades. Whatever happens, there are feelings involved. Polyamory is funny that way.

This has been on my mind quite a bit recently. I don't adjust to changes very well. It's one of the very first things I tell people when we get involved. I even specify what are important things and what are unimportant things. What I expect/need to know, and what is "noise." Depending on my level of involvement, much of it is noise. I go to great lengths to explain what I will give, and what I expect.

I've been witness to a beginning, what appeared to be a fade, but was an ending, and what I call a "true fade" in the past month. I was even exposed to noise, which is something I hate. It seems that late spring/early summer is a hotbed of activity for many relationships. I blame the heat.

This is mostly about my "true fade." Several years ago, I took a submissive under consideration. It was a failure. The consideration period only lasted two weeks before I told him it wasn't going to work. He was bratty, couldn't (or wouldn't) follow simple instructions, and required more energy than I could muster. Both of us have experienced success with others. It was just a bad fit. We didn't love each other less either. Every year, right about this time of the year he calls me.

"Mistress Merry, do you think you could give me a spanking? A really hard one?" I answer yes and we make fluid plans to see one another, and it never happens. He called last night. I won't be available for him until after the 5th. The end of June until the second week of July is tough on me. If you go far back enough in my Journal, or you know me well, you know why. I'm not going to repeat it here. Princess is my true fade. I know that the day will come when he doesn't call, but I know it's not this year. It's not painful. It doesn't hurt. The one that hurts (there's always at least one) was the one that appeared to be a fade, but then ended abruptly due to circumstances neither of us could control. That one gives me all sorts of mixed feelings. Sadness, anger, and a hurt like being punched in the gut. I mourned it for months, even though I was in a happy thriving relationship that carried me through it. Every time I see his (real) name the pain becomes fresh. I yell and cuss when I see it. I still love him but I know he no longer loves me. It's my cross to bear.

I'm facing a difficult relationship decision right now made even more difficult by something I can't control dealing with Shilo. I'm distracted. I don't know how I will decide, but I know that there's too much noise here.

On Being Part of a Harem

In this entry, I use the word Harem as a group of women who engage in sex with one man.Yes, I'm polyamorous, and I do have 3 men that I'm in a sexual relationship with. There's Stitch, my Partner of nearly 13 years, Shilo, My slave/husband of 4 years, and then there's my boyfriend that I've been with for 3 years. In this case, because Stitch and Shilo are monogamous by choice, and my boyfriend is polyamorous, I'm part of his harem. 

Up until very recently, I was happy with my place. I had 'seniority' because I've been around the longest. He has several FWB's that I knew of, but I outranked them, and I'm also younger than them, and then he had his girlfriend who was younger than me. In my heart, she outranked me, but she happily treated me as an equal, or even like I outranked her because of my position as a Dominant,and because I've been around longer. Unlike his other relationships, ours can best be described as egalitarian. We're equals. It works for us.

Several weeks ago, he and the girlfriend broke up. Nobody bothered to tell me. I found out along with everyone else. I was hurt because I wasn't treated like I had any place in their lives. To me, it was common sense that I should be informed before the general public.  I brought it up with my boyfriend, because my relationship is with him, not her. 

Then, this past weekend, my boyfriend took me to stay overnight and spend the day with him. Even though I made it perfectly clear before, he started to talk to me about his FWB's.  Those women do not affect our relationship, and I honestly don't want to know details about them. He's been told that before. Several other things happened  that only made the situation even more uncomfortable for me, and because I wanted to avoid an argument, I waited until I got home, and sent him a note. (Paraphrased below)

Thank you for having me over. I was really looking forward to it, and I really enjoyed my "full immersion" vegan experience. I'm looking forward to more experiences like that with you.

There were a few things I really wanted to say, but didn't because I was afraid I'd say it wrong or it would be misunderstood, or, even worse, I would lose your admiration.

Here goes:

I'm not stupid enough to think that it's been just your girlfriend and myself in your life. I know you have FWB's etc; but I really (and I mean REALLY) don't want to know any details. The only time I would want to know is if you happen to impregnate one of them, which I realize is next to improbable/impossible. I really feel that unless it's a serious relationship, I don't need to know about it. I hope you understand I'm not upset or angry, it's just that I would prefer that some things were kept private.

The other thing I wanted to do is ask you an uncomfortable (for me) question. Did I say or do something offensive, or was something about me bothering you? I promise I won't be upset if you tell me. You seemed a bit distant and less affectionate than last time. You seemed to have no interest in giving me oral sex, and I wasn't about to demand it, but I felt that maybe there was something wrong with me, and you didn't want to be near me, or tell me what was on your mind. I just need you to be honest with me about it.

Love,
Me

P.S. I really did have a wonderful time with you.

His reply was:

 You are welcome.

I will keep details of my less serious relationships to myself. I told you about them in order to be completely open with you, but I can respect your wishes about that.

But no, you did not offend me, or anything like that. I think I was probably missing her so much that I could not concentrate on you as much as I should, and I apologize for that. I thought I was up to seeing you or others, but I guess not, as nothing really went the way I expected with anyone this weekend.

 After that, I figured he understood me, so imagine my surprise and shock when I found out he had a relationship status change with a new woman. Again, I was left in the dark! Didn't I mention that I wanted to know about important things? Was this not important? I sent a series of notes to him (again paraphrased)

That was fast! Remember our conversation about telling me things? This is something I'd like to know about in advance. 

I'm hurt and angry that you didn't even mention that you had someone on your radar. Surely she must have been on your radar before today.

(he apologized)

And now you know what I mean about important vs. unimportant.

I think I managed to get the point across though, because I got the following message this afternoon.

Just a heads up, (new girl) and I are going to update our profiles to show we are dating.

I thanked him for letting me know in advance. It was all I really wanted in the first place. Acknowledgement that I matter. I also realized that I had acted coldly towards this new girl, and it was unbecoming. I also owed my boyfriend an apology and explanation, so I sent this note:

I was having a less-than-stellar day yesterday, and it bled into everything else. I'd like to apologize if you felt I was abrupt, demanding, and/or pouty. I know you know I'm not normally that way, and I feel rotten about overreacting.

However, after talking it over with Shilo this morning, I realized that you're really the only secondary (because we don't live together) relationship I have. The others, while not casual, are much further removed. Also, because of how we started, we never really had any type of agreement, and looking back, if we did have one, much of the confusion and hurt feelings that's happened in the past week might have been prevented.

Would you be willing to meet with me for an hour or so next week so we can come up with something? I feel it would benefit the both of us as we go through this period of change. 

He acknowledged it would be a good idea, and we will hopefully meet next week and go over the agreement I have with Stitch and Shilo, and what I would ideally want from him, and what parts of my agreement with the two of them that he wants carried over into our relationship agreement. Even though it is by no means legally binding, at least it will prevent future problems, and having a written guideline will allow us to reference it if/when problems arise.

A Thought

I know I don't have many readers here, but I had an unusual (for me) Saturday afternoon yesterday. I went to a potluck BBQ at an acquaintance's house. 

I've known her about 5 years, but rarely saw her except for a once a year "retreat" of sorts. Anyway, when I broke my right humerus in two places last July, she was kind enough to offer her services to cut out the mats in my hair and help me feel pretty. She's a licensed hairdresser, and since she was willing to come to me, who was I to complain? She did a great job, and since then has come over about every 3 months when I asked her to help out with the hair. For the first six months, I was unable to wash or brush my hair, so either Stitch or Shilo got stuck with that along with other personal bodily tasks that I won't mention.

So, anyway, this BBQ is a once a year big affair that she and her husband  host.  He smokes meats, and people bring all sorts of yummy things to complement the meat. I decided to do something gluten free that Shilo and others might enjoy. People often say that "Gluten Free" is another word for tasteless and often disgusting baked goods that have a funny texture on the mouth. Often, recipes call for Xanthan gum as a binder because it's gluten free. I've always been determined to fix gluten free food with pronounceable and easy to find things that aren't overpriced.

I'm fond of experimentation as well, and because of that, I'll often buy gluten free snacks and dessert items at places such as Big Lots or even the 99 cents only store, along with Dollar Tree. One of my more recent finds was a box of "gourmet" chocolate chip cookies. I read the package,and was pleasantly surprised to discover that all the ingredients were recognizable, and most of them I had at home. I bought it for Shilo, and when I asked him,he said they were "delicious." I insisted on trying, and sure enough, they were a delight on the tongue and tastebuds. I noticed they were made exclusively with rice flour.  I decided that I'd go searching for rice flour on my next outing. I bought it at the 99 cents only store and put it in my pantry and forgot about it until a few weeks ago when I got the invitation.

Over the past week, I've looked through the internet trying to find a cookie recipe that would suit Shilo's need for gluten free and my desire for easy to pronounce ingredients that wouldn't break the bank. It had to be similar enough to my personal cookie recipe that I've used since I was in my teens as far as taste was concerned, and, of course, use the brown rice flour. I was met with many disappointments, but I found two recipes that almost fit my needs, but areas were lacking in both of them.  Fortunately, the areas could easily be fixed by taking the best of each, and that's what I did.

I made a HUGE bowl of cookies, and baked up half the batch for the BBQ. The rest got bagged and refrigerated to bake later this week. The cookies were about a '9' rated by Shilo, and I hate to admit it, but I gave them a '10.' There was one younger male who has gluten intolerance and was so excited to see cookies that he hugged me. Later, his girlfriend asked for my secret. I emailed my recipe to her. I told her she might want to halve it, because I like to make HUGE amounts of cookies.

I guess it was that success that got me thinking about all my other recipes that I've modified to make gluten free. I don't have many, but what if I created a blog/forum similar to Dan's where men and women could discuss and share their gluten free cooking disasters as well as successes, and recipes could be exchanged? Something for people like me who love to cook and eat but aren't professional chefs or nutritionists but just like good tasting foods.

I'd much rather talk to a real person about the trial and error approach where the (poor) family dog gets the mistakes, or sometimes it's too horrible even for the dog. I'd also like to share the recipes that I have perfected and maybe provide encouragement for people taking those first painful steps in trying out gluten free food and coming short. 

So, all the above is just saying that I have an idea for a blog, and I'm asking for encouragement.
Please?

More Just For Fun

1. Who are you named after?

My Daddy. Keep in mind I'm not really a Mary/Merry.

2. Last time you cried?

This morning.

3. Do you like your handwriting?

It's difficult to read.

4. What is your favorite island?

That I've been to: Catalina. That I will probably never get to: Australia (I've been to Oahu and Maui as well)

5. Longest relationship?

13+ years and still going strong.

7. Do you still have your tonsils?

Yes.

8. Would you bungee jump?

NO!

9. What is your favorite kind of cereal?

Mix of plain Cheerios and Red Berry Special K. Otherwise it's too sweet.

10. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?

Sometimes.

12. Favorite ice cream?

Rocky Road (I prefer the one with almonds)

13. What is the first thing you notice about a person?

It depends. Coming towards me - The eyes.

Facing away - the bottom

14. Football or baseball?

Neither

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15. Favorite animal you would probably never own?

Dolphin.

16. Last thing you ate?

Leftovers.

17. What are you listening to?

"One Sweet Love" - Sara Bareilles from a YouTube mix. Not familiar with her, but I like it.

18. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?

Magenta

19. What is your Favorite smell?

Vanilla

20. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?

A telemarketer.

21. Married?

Yes.

22. Hair color?

Pink with dark brown. Usually dark brown with LOTS of silver.

23. Eye color?

Blue

24. Favorite foods?

Anything I don't have to cook. Strawberries, cherries, broccoli (but it must be cooked!)

25. Scary movies or happy endings?

Either/or.

26. Last show you watched?

The Big Bang Theory (repeat)

27. What color shirt are you wearing?

Gray.

28. Favorite holiday?

Thanksgiving. I love to cook for Family and Friends!

29. Beer or Wine?

Neither. Root beer!

30. Night owl or morning person?

Depends on the day.

31. Favorite day of the week?

Saturday or Monday

32. Favorite season?

Spring.