This really should be in my "About Me"

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Well, part of it is, but not all of it. The "I have PTSD and SAD, amongst other things" is clearly stated there, if you dig deep enough. However, what isn't stated (and should be) is that my psychiatrist/therapist considers me to be medication compliant and stable. What is clearly stated in my chart is that I only call if there is a REALLY EXTREME PROBLEM This means that things are CRITICAL and the call is to be returned as soon as possible. I routinely joke that if I called every time something was wrong, I'd be calling almost daily, but I have enough common sense to call only when I feel I can't handle it anymore. So, when mom died 3 years ago? YES !!! When Shilo's mom died? Not right then, but I did notify so I could get my flying medication. When I first got Jonathan's cancer diagnosis? You better believe it!

So now I have friends offering assistance. I really appreciate it, and I will definitely take them up on it, but I honestly feel so confused that I don't know what I want or need right now. Jonathan isn't up to even having me visit, so I'm respecting his wishes. We're waiting to find out if any of his 4 brothers are a match for a bone marrow transplant, and those results are at least a week away, according to the Oncologist. "Hurry up and wait" is how it is. In the meantime, there are 'spots' in his lungs that were discovered in his last body scan, done on Tuesday, so we're waiting on the results of a bronchoscopy(sp?) that was was done on Thursday.

Am I worried? Honestly, not nearly as badly as I was when all this first started. Somehow, having a few more answers has calmed me down. We've had a few times already when it looked like Jon was close to dying, and I've felt so hopeless and helpless and frightened, but with him being somewhere where all the staff is experienced with cancer patients, I've actually been able to breathe easier. The statistics aren't that good, but if Jonathan hadn't gone to the ER when he did, he would have died on the plane trip to Japan that was planned a week after the ER visit. I know this is all borrowed time, so I'm thankful for every call, every hug, and every "I Love you Mom" that I get. Consider this a calm before the storm. I know it's coming, and I'm girding up for it. When it hits, I will call, I will text, I will take up those offers.

"So, Merry, what do want right now?" I want all my friends to have a Blessed Solstice, Happy Yule, Happy Festivus, Happy Mawlid Al Nabi, Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Boxing Day, Happy National Chocolate Day, Happy Bacon Day, and finally, A VERY Happy New Year! If I neglected to mention a date important to you, I apologize, and I hope it is as wonderful as you are!

Life Update (12-13-15)

In spite of the sadness and hardships my Family and Household has endured this year, I've done my best to maintain a positive outlook, and to turn to those I call friends for emotional support when needed. However, for the past month or so, I've pretty much isolated myself, because I felt I was overburdening others with all the chaos in my life. Today I'm writing this to share something that might seem sad, but it really isn't.

My son, Jonathan, has been in the hospital for 10 weeks (70 DAYS!!!) and was diagnosed with cancer 66 days ago. He has been through so very much, including 3 rounds of chemotherapy. 10 days ago, on Jonathan's 30th Birthday,  his Oncologist called a family meeting to discuss his results, and while Jonathan's levels have somewhat improved, he is NOT in remission.

This sad news came with a silver lining though, because this made Jonathan eligible for a transfer to City of Hope in Duarte. I got a call this afternoon informing me transfer was taking place this evening, so now he's going to get more specialized care. Please keep him in your thoughts and/or prayers.

For more information on Jonathan's diagnosis, go to: http://www.cancer.org/cancer/leukemia-acutelymphocyticallinadults/detailedguide/leukemia-acute-lymphocytic-what-is-all

And if you are able to assist him to keep his housing and pay his expenses or even just want to give him words of encouragement please go to: https://www.gofundme.com/helpjonfight

Either way, thank you for reading this, and for your kind word, calls and emails.

Merry

A Partial Outing

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Something I Don't Talk About

I have a very violent past history that I usually choose to not share, simply because I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me or see me as being "fragile." The truth is, I have no need for those things. I am a survivor with PTSD that occasionally has very brief moments of light panic attacks that will occasionally turn into full-blown panic attacks. I have a wonderful support system, and, most times, I can get control long enough to remove myself from a situation. On the rare occasion it goes full-blown, I either get my "deer in the headlights" look, or I attack. If you know me, or spend time around me, I will remind you that I've warned you, and I cannot be held responsible for attacking when I feel threatened in the midst of a panic attack. My advice: Don't do it!

Unfortunately, it's not always that simple. The 4th of July, fireworks shows, and sex in a dark room are all triggers when it comes to my rape that occurred in 2004. There is also a smell, I don't normally mention that to anyone, except for those closest to me. He smoked a certain brand of cheap cigar that has a distinct odor to it. Let me mention here that I have an unusually good sense of smell. Even the faintest scent of this particular cigar brand will set off my panic receptors. I can and will react in an unpredictable manner. Fortunately, the people I spend time with prefer more expensive cigars, so it's not an issue.


On Thursday, I took my oldest to the DMV, and, like always, there was a line snaking outside the building. I don't mind standing outside, so I talked to him as we waited, and then it assaulted my senses. A cigar, that cigar, and it was somewhere close behind me. First I said it's name, and tried to stay calm. I mean, I'm in line outside the DMV with my 6 foot tall 31 y/o son who is strong enough to fight off anyone, and there's a security guard 50 feet away. I'm safe. But the smell only got stronger. I had to turn around and look. The funny thing is that the young man smiled at me when I turned around like he knew what I was searching for. I plastered on my biggest smile, and asked (like I didn't already know) "Is that a (name?)" He smiled again, and said 'yeah'. That was enough. I told my oldest I had to get something from the car, and hid in there for 15 minutes until my heartbeat and breathing went back to normal. When I returned, my oldest was close to the door, so I told him I'd wait inside.


I feel I handled it well. My oldest was clueless, and I didn't react, but it leaves me wondering if I'll always do that well under pressure. Is this a sign of things to come, or will I act unpredictably the next time? Maybe it's best not to worry about it. I fight my PTSD daily, and I cannot change my past, but I can learn how to get a better handle on things. I just keep telling myself that the danger is gone and I'm safe. It's all I can do.

The Phone Call

I can't say it was unexpected, or even really a surprise. I mean, he's been very heavy on my mind, and we have an interesting connection with each other. When we were together, many moons ago, he could finish my sentences. Not everyone could do that.

When my phone rang, and I saw it was him, I had an idea of what he was going to say. Still, I braced myself for the blow, but it never came. Oh, the words I knew were coming came, but they were delivered gently, almost sweetly. Instead of hurting, they were healing. It gave a closure that our previous episode never had. Maybe because he delivered the message and not the other way around. Maybe because in spite of my enjoyment of him, I knew it was temporary, and I wasn't as invested as the last time. Maybe because both of us are in a better place and state of mind. Yes, I want to analyze it. It's human nature to do so. My heart was open, but so are my eyes.

I wouldn't call him monogamous, but he does prefer one serious sexual-type relationship at a time, and because both of us had been hurt by our last go round, and he was fresh out of a relationship this time, I agreed that there should be no strings attached. Still, I worried that I would fall in Love all over again. Fortunately, it seemed that even though the years melted away, my heart was focused on protecting itself. We had a a session that was pleasant, but not overwhelming, and we made plans to see each other again. His MIL fell into bad health, my MIL got worse and died, so we kept postponing, until we agreed to not plan anything soon. That was 2 months ago.

It was just yesterday that thoughts of him entered my head, and I realized that I missed him, but I knew he wasn't going to come back. At least, not how we had discussed.So, the phone rang. I answered it, and I heard his words. I said I understand (I do) I said I wasn't hurt (I'm not) and I admitted that I hoped this time we wouldn't lose our friendship. He agreed. Will it really` happen that way? I honestly don't know, bit I do know that I will make my services available to him, and that "she" isn't into BDSM, so there's a chance it will wind up that we see each other. Do I really` want that? No, but only because I wish him all the happiness he can have in this relationship.

I have other things to focus on, so I'll go back to those. I wish you all the best Spike. I'll never forget the sweet way you delivered the news to me, and I thank you for your respect.
M

Awake On a Hot Summer Night

I'm laying in bed alone and I can't sleep and all I can think about is how much I long for his touch. Unfortunately for me, he is at work some 25 miles away. This means I'm suffering with no relief in sight. Masturbation is an exercise in futility for me, so I'm stuck laying here just fantasizing about what I want, and knowing I'm not going to get it anytime soon.

Shilo is not only miles away physically, but many many miles away mentally from me. We had a disagreement several days ago, and I'm not sure if he's still quietly stewing, or if he feels like I do. Full of desire,  and ready for anything.  I feel like lately he's just been looking for an excuse to avoid me by arguing or finding something inconsequential to be angry about. It makes me sad that I'm unable to solve this, and pretending that it doesn't hurt because I don't want to react in anger. I keep saying that I want my husband back, but it's almost like I'm speaking a foreign language that he doesn't understand.

I try to convince myself that this is a temporary situation, but I feel like I'm lying to myself so I don't fall apart. I mean, I can only try so hard before I give up and admit defeat. He says he Loves me, but this sure doesn't feel like it.  I feel unwanted, and it really suhus.  This isn't about sex, it's about tenderness and showing Love. I admit that I want sex at this moment, but that feeling is temporary. The desire to feel Loved is what will stay, and what is really missing. The emptiness and loneliness is unbearable.

How can I write a note of Love and desire when I'm so empty? How can I want when I'm surrounded by people who care? I don't have those answers. I just know my desire isy husband and no one else will do.

Alone With My Thoughts

I've spent many hours since my 'date' on Monday thinking about it. For anyone not in the loop, I've been seeing a vanilla guy for a few months now. I like him, I enjoy his company, and he's fun to be with. He knew sex (intercourse) was off the table, and he told me early on that he was fine with that due to ED. It was perfect as far as I was concerned. So... time and dates progressed, and I felt I wanted more. It all culminated on Monday with me inviting him to my home, and us kissing in the bedroom and graduating into him giving me orgasms via manual and oral stimulation. It was nice, more like okay, because I realized I just didn't have the emotional connection that i thought I did, and I took a big step by having him over. I know it sounds strange, but orgasms with no emotional connection means my pussy didn't get wet, and after he left, I felt empty, and I really couldn't talk about it or explain it to Shilo.

So, anyway, I'm just feeling empty, and a little used. But that confuses me. After all, I received oral sex and had the orgasms, but he got nothing and yet I feel used. I also feel stupid and guilty because this wasn't what I intended. It wasn't supposed to be this way, and even though I did nothing wrong, it just feels wrong. Maybe it's because I'm not in love with him, or maybe because I never intended for it to become sexual in any way. I mean, I'm not depressed, but I am unhappy with all this.

I don't even feel that I can talk about this with Shilo, because I'm afraid he will only turn this all against me, or maybe be more angry, and I don't want that. Yes, he knows what happened, but I never told him about this growing uneasiness. Still, I don't count this as a failure, but more of a learning experience. I mean, I'm still comfortable with the ides of meeting people, and maybe even dating, but perhaps I should add giving or receiving oral sex as a hard limit, at least when it comes to vanilla dating.

It could just be that I feel like this because vanilla guy hasn't contacted me since he left Monday afternoon. I guess my reasoning doesn't matter. I mean, I feel how I feel, and no amount of reasoning is going to make me feel better.

I guess it's time to step back and readjust myself. Count this as a lesson learned, and move forward, and then decide how I will handle this, because I at least owe vanilla guy an explanation of why I don't want to see him again.

The Envelope Please...

A few days ago, I made an offhand comment about using an envelope with an activity inside for those occasional Tuesday mornings when I'm awake and in a good mood, and Shilo is feeling energetic enough for some "fun" activity.

Much to my chagrin, and Shilo's (no doubt) lack of surprise, it's about 3AM on Tuesday and still no envelopes in sight. I fell asleep on the chair in the living room, and nothing got done.  I should mention that Shilo is probably unaware that I loaded the dishwasher while he slept on Monday afternoon. I'm not seeking 'brownie points' by any means, I'm more interested in rocking his world a little.

Shilo has been locked in chastity for 8 days now (Actually 7 days 10 1/2 hours, but who's counting? Oh yeah! He is!) and I'm pretty sure that when the device went on, he didn't expect it to be on for such a long amount of time. I suffer along with him. I mean, no intercourse for him, means no intercourse with him for me, and I happen to enjoy intercourse with him, so I do 'suffer.'

The tease and denial for him has been horribly cruel, with him removing the device, showering, providing me with a few orgasms via oral stimulation, and allowing him to enter me, thrust for maybe a minute or so (7 thrusts the first day, 15 the next. Yeah, I count) and then re-locking him. I cannot begin to tell you how torturous it's been for me, and I'm sure he feels the same.

Sooo... the (nonexistent) envelopes: I have no time or patience to do them now, but a quick preview should he happen to see this is as follows:

1. Triple treat for me while restrained (or not) until I pass out. This will require a slow build up, backing off, and building back up again. Not an easy task, but I know he's up for it.

2. Shilo unlocking and showering, giving WMS short of an orgasm if possible (I won't stop him, he'll have to stop on his own.) If he manages without an orgasm, he won't get "charged" with time off from chastity for doing so.  if he fails, and has an orgasm, I will add up to another week in chastity for him at my discretion. If he has a 'ruined orgasm,' I will roll a die. Odd: no additional days, Even: Same as if he had a regular orgasm. He will not be told the result.

3. Shilo unlocking and showering, and me orally pleasuring him for 5-10 minutes. (This doesn't usually result in an orgasm for him)

4. Shilo unlocking and showering, and then masturbating while I watch him. Same rules as #2 above if he reaches orgasm.

5. Shilo unlocking and showering, and I hand him a die. if he rolls odd, he can choose from any of the above (more to be added later)  If he rolls even, he locks back up and gives me my regular "Daily O."

So, there it is: The treats, without the envelopes.

The only thing I neglected to mention here is that I will know which option is available on any given week, and he will have the choice of taking the activity or not without knowing which one is offered. Also, after agreeing to the unknown activity, he will roll a die. If it's 1-3, the activity will not happen, if he rolls 4-6, the activity will happen. This way, I also get a little build-up as well.

Goodnight! I'm off to bed!

From The Heart

The following is an email I sent to my FIL today. I'm sharing it here because we so often forget about our parents and children as we get older. The names were changed to protect the guilty. 

Dear Dad,
I know the past few months have been so difficult for you, and if it was in my power, I'd remove the pain that both you and Shilo have gone through. I cannot begin to imagine what you've been through, because, while I've been through significant losses myself, I don't live in your mind, and since we all experience pain differently, I cannot say that I know how YOU feel, but I will say I've had similar circumstances in my life.

One thing is evident, and that is the Love you have for Mom. I saw it in your eyes when we all met the very first time, I heard it in your voice when you spoke to her, and your emails showed me all the more how strong your Love is. I speak in the present term, because Love never dies. Love continues on, even after we are no longer on Earth.

I feel blessed to have met both of you, and I recall telling Shilo how fortunate he was to have both his parents. How, even though he might go months without seeing you that he spoke to you as often as possible, sharing his life with the both of you. Very early in our marriage, when we came for Shilo's birthday, Mom took me out back in the garden and talked to me about many things, but what stuck with me were the words, "Merry, take very good care of Shilo. He's the only son we have left," I promised her I would, and I have. Shilo stopped smoking, and together, we're dealing with his health issues. Ask anyone who knows us, and they will tell you of the Love and concern we have for each other.
Well, those words Mom told me has stuck with me over the difficult year that Shilo has had health-wise, but it all came rushing to me when you called Shilo last week to tell him of Mom's death. As we held each other and cried, Mom's words suddenly had a new meaning. She was also reminding me that she was the only Mother Shilo has, and you're the only Father Shilo has. Yes, I know what it's like to lose your parents, and I understand his pain, although I don't know how he feels, because I'm not him. All I know is that I promised to be by his side, no matter what, and by going with him, I did what I promised, and, more importantly, I know it was what Mom would have expected of me.

I hope I wasn't an inconvenience to you. I did my very best to stay out of the way. I Love Shilo so very much, and I will keep my promises to him, and also to Mom. I know Shilo is different in many ways, and that's why I Love him so very much. He doesn't follow someone else's path, he makes his own. He's not like other men. He has a tenderness and gentleness that I've never seen before. He has strong opinions, much like you do, although they might sometimes be the opposite of yours, he gets that attribute from you. I see you in him, and I wonder if you do too. He Loves you so very much, but he doesn't know how to show it, and the words are so easy to say.

Shilo doesn't know about this email, He's asleep, but I promise you, I will take good care of him as much as I'm able to, because he's the only son you have, and I'm asking you to take good care of yourself, because you're the only Father he has. Both of you are suffering so much right now, but please don't fall in so deep that you forget each other.

Love,
Merry

So Much Heartache!

For the past few months, my FIL has been sending out email "blasts" to everyone in his address book about my MIL. I understand the need to do so, and it never bothered me. In fact, the only thing that bothered me was the people who clicked on "Respond to all" vs. "Respond." Mostly because I really don't want to read what others had to say.

So, as anyone reading this knows, my FIL called Shilo on Sunday morning to tell him my MIL had died. Monday morning, we received an email blast about a 'Celebration of life' on Friday. I mentioned this to Shilo, and he stated that he thought there was going to be a funeral on Oklahoma, so I had no reason to be concerned. (Okay dear, whatever you say...) So, late Monday afternoon, as Shilo was preparing for work, my FIL called him and asked if he received the email. (Why, yes I did... why?) It turns out that this is it, there will be no funeral on Oklahoma. Shilo stated of course he would be there, but he wanted (needed) me with him. I will stop here and say that if my FIL had died, my MIL would have (naturally) insisted that I come with Shilo, and wouldn't have had a second thought about paying for me. I do understand my FIL's distress, however, I was shocked when he told Shilo that he couldn't afford for me to come, in spite of Shilo stating how I felt she was a second mother to me because I was still mourning my mother when we met. I was very hurt by his refusal, but I did my best to understand.  Then there was the scramble for us to get enough money for me to go, ending with the bank's  refusal to raise my credit so I could buy a roundtrip ticket. It was just too much for me to handle. I was a sobbing mess. I just couldn't handle the thought of Shilo doing this on his own, and we all need someone when a parent dies, and I'm his someone.

I went in the bedroom crying, and Shilo woke up to the sound of me sobbing, as I told him I did everything I could, but it wasn't good enough.  Somehow, he has enough peace of mind to tell me that he'd figure out a way.  After looking at my available credit, and Stitch's available credit, Shilo suggested that I buy a one way ticket there using my credit card, and a one way ticket back using Stitch's credit card. It worked! I almost cried again. Yes, my emotions are a bit unstable right now.  I'm embarrassed to say that I told my therapist on the phone Monday that I was "okay." But, really, I was at that time. It wasn't until all the other stuff happened that I fell apart. Anyway, Shilo called his dad and told him I was coming too. I'm honestly not sure if I'm welcome, but I'm going because my husband needs me, and that's all that matters.

With this resolved, today was Shilo's appointment with the GI Specialist ($60 OUCH!)  He will FINALLY get the the necessary tests done, so I'm happy. I really do feel like a heavy weight was lifted off my shoulders. Also, on the way to the appointment, Shilo got a text from his boss that made me cry again. His boss arranged for a limo to not only take us to the airport in the morning, but also for a pickup on Saturday. I was really touched by that gesture. God knows how many more times I'll be crying over the next few days, but I'm crying again just by writing about it. So, pickup is 4AM, and I'm not sure if I'll stay up all night or get a few hour's sleep.

I will say that Shilo is still (understandably) stressed out over the whole situation, and he's grouchy, but who can blame him? I'm just taking things minute by minute now. I still have errands to run, so signing off now.

Reality (incomplete Post)

I wrote this after midnight, and I know I'll never complete it because of everything else that went on since I started writing this piece.I'm leaving this for Shilo at his request.

Whenever I take the time to write here, I realize I'm subject to public scrutiny. I know I have people from around the world that read what I write, and they also read what Shilo writes. About 24 hours ago, Shilo wrote some opinions on his blog that I felt were controversial. I read it just as I was preparing for bed, and rather than write a drawn out response to those things, I made a rather quick reply to other things, choosing instead to write a piece on my blog after waking up and before leaving on church business that I knew would have me gone all day. I left home about 9:45 in the morning, and got home at about 10:30 at night. It was a LONG day, and now I'm so wired I can't sleep. It sucks!

Shilo will often act and not think about long-term consequences of his actions. I wouldn't say he's bad-tempered, but he can be fiery and his opinions are strong. He's stubborn, self-willed, opinionated, passive-aggressive and sweet. Every two weeks, we have a quiet argument where I swear that one day soon the two of us will just walk out on each other in disgust until we really come to our senses and run back into each others arms. Think what you want, but understand that our Love for each other is very strong.I'm not giving up that easily, and neither is he. He's stubborn, remember? Well, so am I.

And that's where I stopped. I decided to go to bed and check out his entry for replies, which ended up with us having a misunderstanding in the comments section. Which brought us to this morning where we finally somewhat got clear on things, and as he prepared to actually get sleep, I briefly walked out of the room to talk to Stitch, which is when Shilo's dad called to tell him his mom had died. What a fucked up Sunday we've had! Suddenly, our petty misunderstanding isn't so important anymore. What really matters is our Love for each other. And that is always the only really important thing.  Because we have each other, and we are committed to each other. Tell your significant other how much you care, how important they are. Don't allow misunderstandings to cripple your relationships. Will we have another misunderstanding? I have no doubt we will, but I also know we will work hard to resolve it, because that's how we are.

Sincerely,
Merry

Just a Sad Day

I'm feeling numb right now.  I started this whole journey in March by crying. I've cried off and on about this, so I can't really cry a anymore.

My MIL died this morning of metastatic brain cancer. As much as it was expected, it still hit us hard. Still, I'm so grateful for the time I had with her. She loved and accepted me and spoiled me rotten when we were together. She came at a time when I was still dealing with the death of my own mother, and she eased the pain. I truly feel blessed that I had someone as kind and wonderful as her in my life.

She deserves so much more than a blip on the screen, but it's all I can do right now.

Shilo

This is written to give him a "heads up," but I'm sure that it might be entertaining for others as well...

Over the past few days, Shilo and I have been discussing BDSM structures, Female Led Domestic Discipline, Relationships, polyamory, and whole bunch of other things. All of them are heavy-duty, and they all relate directly to us, our marriage, our relationship, and our Household. Some things, Shilo has even dared to write in his journal, and a few of his opinions expressed are quite controversial. Still, those are his opinions, and he's allowed to express them. I know he wrote some things to elicit a response from me, and instead, I chose not to respond to those remarks. He wrote some things he feels about our relationship and how he views them. How a person views something and how they are can be two different things. I'm neither agreeing or disagreeing with those things at this point. I'm just putting it out there that I read it and took it all in.

So, what does this really mean? It means that I may or may not agree with his stated opinions, depending on what they are. What he wrote about his views on our relationship has some similarities to how it is for us as I see it, but, again, not all. I will say that his health issues have caused a 'shift' in our relationship, and if you add the fiasco about Sherman to it, you can say that the past 13 or so months have had a HUGE effect on where we are now at this moment. While there have been negative effects, there also have been positive, and the positive outweighs the negative. We're exploring, and with our explorations, we've learned new truths about ourselves and each other. We've broken down much of the "smoke and mirrors" and see some things clearly. Both of us have become strengthened and hurt by these revelations.

What's important to know is that at the end of the day, this all relates to us. My relationship with Shilo. It has  almost no effect on how I am with others. the give and take part is different, but it doesn't make me any less Merry, and it doesn't make him any less Shilo. How we relate and react to each other, not the outside world.

So is there "smoke and mirrors" to others? Do we hide behind a veil? I think all couples do. I mean, how or why we do things isn't always for public consumption. The important thing for you to know is that the spankings and discipline are very real. I am turning his ass that lovely color. The corner time is real. I really do make him sing "Twinkle, twinkle little bat."  My laughter is real. I enjoy all this. I am a Sadist, he is a masochist. We enjoy each other. We Love each other. The chastity is real. He does wear those devices for up to a week or more. The devotion we have to each other is real.

Will I address these things further? Will I give a heartfelt response with my feeling bared for all to see? That's yet to be determined.... But for now...

I heard you Shilo.  I Love you Shilo.

Please allow me the time to take it all in.

Merry

Tiny Update AKA: How I Know I'm Cared For

My MIL is not well. She hasn't been for several months, so it was no surprise that Shilo received a phone call Tuesday night (7-7) telling him that his father agreed to put her in a hospice facility. It was a bit of a surprise that my FIL called Shilo Wednesday morning and asked him to come as soon as possible. Alone. Without me.

Don't misunderstand: I wasn't angry or hurt over the request. I know that it's cheaper for one than it is two, and he's their son. I'm just the daughter-in-law. That didn't bother me, still I was upset enough that I left and Sunshine showed up crying in frustration. According to Shilo, she said the same thing I did. (Paraphrased below)

"But since we've been together (and married) we've never been apart except for my business meetings when you couldn't go with me. You've never gone away before. It makes me sad and angry (scared is better word) because you aren't supposed to leave me."

I (we) didn't take it well, but there was no way to change the situation. Crying doesn't help either, other than letting go of the pain. I wrote about how I was feeling on my Fet blog, and made mention of Shilo leaving on my FB page. I needed to work through it, and writing is my way of working through things.

Something wonderful happened when Shilo left. I received phone calls, messages, and encouraging notes from (people I consider as) friends. Spike even called me on Friday afternoon! Spike calling might not sound like a big deal, unless you realize that he's currently dealing with his own shitstorm, and I wasn't expecting to hear from him until sometime in early August. (yes, he's THAT busy!) The emotional support I received warmed my heart, and kept me calm, because I realized I do have people I can talk to and cry with. I also reminded myself that this was temporary, and that, barring any emergencies or acts of God, Shilo would be back in a few days at the most.

Today is the day! He should be landing at LAX in about 8 hours. I'll admit, I have had a few nightmares, but they weren't so bad that I woke up screaming or afraid, and tonight I'll be sleeping safely in his arms.

I'm kind of proud of myself for not having any huge meltdowns during his absence, not that I want him to go away without me, but it looks like I can handle it after all.

Why I Don't Approach Men On CM or OKC

I belong to both Collarspace (formerly CollarMe) and OKCupid. I've noticed that available women are rare on both sites, or at least women who really are women. I'm not exactly sure on the ratio, but I will say that there is no lack of male attention, whether or not the woman has a profile picture. 

The problem (as I see it) is that men who are 5's (on a scale of 1-10, 10 being most physically attractive) expect to be with women who are 9's or 10's. It doesn't work that way in real life, but they feel 'entitled.' In the meantime, there are women who are 5's that like men who are 4's and they're being told by the men that they aren’t attractive enough. Color me confused. I thought attraction was based on intelligence, commonalities, and that 'special something' otherwise known as pheromones. I guess I was wrong.


So, as I said above, I don't approach men because, while I'm acquainted with rejection, I don’t want to be the instigator. Let the man show interest in me. Let him prove to me that he has things in common and is intelligent, or he can at least make a sentence with words and punctuation. The rest is easy. A face to face so I can decide if he is as he presented himself, and I enjoy his company. Picking up on the subtleties of speech, detecting the odor of cigarettes, too much cologne, or alcohol, and various other things allows me to make a decision about a man. In fact, within the first 10 minutes of meeting someone, I already know if I want to see them again. Predicting their impression isn’t so easy, but usually the attraction or the lack thereof is mutual. Since I don't pretend that I'm interested when I'm not, it's easy. I am who I am, and I'm not for everyone, and I tell people that before I meet them.


My typical interaction goes like this:

Him: Hi! My name is Average Joe and I read your profile. I was surprised by all we have in common. I enjoy using unnecessary superlatives too! My hobbies are basket-weaving and sleeping in front of the TV with sports playing at full blast. My favorite music is disco, and I'm a great dancer, I won a prize in third grade. Would you please take the time to read my most excellent profile and let me know if you're interested?

Me: Hello Joe!
I read your profile, and it appears we do have lots in common. It amazes me how your profile appears to be custom written for me. How do you feel about bats in your cave?

Him: I prefer to let my bats hang, cause they’re so very happy in there. I was wondering, when could we meet? I'm so excited about taking you dancing and I’m just thrilled that we can weave baskets together!

Me: (already beginning to question myself) How about Friday at noon? We can meet at Mickey D's on Main Street.

Him: I'm so excited and super impressed that you want to meet me, Also, I was wondering if you could send me a picture of you because your description and picture on your profile isn't nearly good enough.

Me: (sighs internally) Sure, nothing would give me greater joy than have you build me up, and then criticize my crooked nose and huge feet.

Him: I can't wait! Even though I'm a 4, I just know you'll be an 11 ¾!

Me: Here are some recent pictures I painstakingly picked out because it shows me with my dog, and this other one because my eyes are so pretty.

Him: uhmm... well... you're not even a 10, you're a 6 at best, and in spite of the fact that appearance-wise I'm a 4, I expect to only be seem with a 10. I don't care that we share these interests and might be compatible in all these other areas because you must be be-yoo-tee-full !

Me: It figures...


Honestly, I'm okay with being a 5 appearance-wise. I rate higher in areas that I feel are of greater importance, so I really don't worry. Only I wish that people were a bit more honest about things. For example, if you want a Barbie doll, say it! But say it on your profile so I can ignore you.

/END RANT

Calming effect

The simplest things can have a calming effect on me, A hug, a smile, a well-timed phone call, a spanking... As introverted and antisocial as I am, I still need those 'strokes' to get me out of myself. I will often let tiny things take over and destroy me. Yeah, it's personal.

I dissect things constantly. It's my nature to do so. I want to see what's inside of things, especially me. I carefully dissect others, and work hard to put things back exactly as I found them. With myself, I rip and tear with gleeful abandon, forgetting that my duty to myself is to nurture and love myself, because I'm really the only one who can 'fix' me. That last sentence was courtesy of  my damned self-awareness that makes my psychiatrist/therapist so proud of me. (grumbles) Okay, so I'm careful with others, not so much with myself.  I allow my worries and feelings to get the better of me. I panic, I worry, and I go into this awful feeling of self-loathing. Then I drop, and I drop hard.

I wish my understanding all this made it easier on me, but, dammit! It makes it worse. I have miserable, stupid pity parties that manage to confuse everyone around me. "Oh, is that what got you worked up? Why that's nothing!" I want to scream out loud and say "Sure! To you it's nothing, to me, its a fucking disaster!" Fortunately, I learned how to bite my tongue a long time ago. Good thing, too, or I wouldn't have any friends!

So, anyway, I spent a huge portion of my day yesterday in bed feeling sorry for myself, wondering where and how I managed to fuck things up. Yes, I always blame myself. It's just how I am. I finally wrote about it to get it out of my system, and when my head finally hit the pillow about 4 this morning, I was feeling a little better.

When I got out of bed about noon, I had even pretty much resolved that I had overreacted as usual, and that there had to be a logical explanation as to why I didn't get a response.  I mean, I know Spike. He wouldn't just outright ignore a request without good reason or an explanation. Sure enough, when I checked my phone, there was a test from him saying he was fine, and he didn't receive the text I sent him on Friday. Yes, this is good and a relief, but now I'm second-guessing myself, worrying that my emotional overreaction will scare him away. Again, with the tearing myself apart!

it's not Spike's job to reassure me that I'm okay. It's my job to tell myself that this overreacting is a bit much, and I need to relax. Whatever happens, happens. It's not the end of the world. It is whatever it's meant to be, and I have to stop tearing myself apart. Life goes on. Life will go on whether or not I've fucked up, and I have to quit worrying. All worrying will do is make me miserable all over again.

So, yes, I feel better, calmer. Now I just have to relax and not worry about what might happen next.

What...the...FUCK???!!!

What is wrong with me???

I maintain a transparent relationship with both Stitch and Shilo. I mean, I tell them everything I do with others, (except for details concerning the other, unless they ask) my feelings, my actions. Nothing is secret, nothing is sacred. Except for maybe this time, but mostly because I'm confused about my feelings. I'm feeling awfully conflicted right now. Well, actually, maybe the past 24 hours.

I tend to 'box' things and people. Either I like or dislike people, and the ones I dislike, I either ignore or tolerate them, and I'm always on my best behavior, being nice even if it kills me inside. There are vanillas, kinksters, and acquaintances. Acquaintances are people I see on a somewhat regular basis, like my favorite checker at the grocery store or the butcher. I make no guesses as to whether they're kinky or not. As for kinky people, there are the ones that I encounter online (like Fetlife) the ones I see when I go places, the ones I play with, the ones that will approach me and ask to play with me, the ones in a relationship with me, and the one I'm dating. (yeah, I've been casually dating a sub for nearly a year now) Then there's Spike. I can't box him. I mean, I'd love to box him, but that wasn't part of our agreement. I mean, there's others like Spike, but I think that right now, Spike is what has me bothered. Let me make this clear: Spike isn't the only one who has been the source of this feeling, and it's not his fault.

I enjoy playing. I love the "high" I get after playing with someone I like. The feedback, the closeness, the whole thing. As a rule, the good feeling will often last for days, and will gradually taper off. Then there are the other ones. I feel good for a day or two, then BOOM! I feel like shit. I thought about it, and tried to figure out what the common denominator was (besides me, of course!) and I came to a conclusion. In every case where I had this horrible drop, two things happened: The first was that it was with someone I really liked. The second was that aftercare was lacking. No, not the traditional aftercare, but the day after aftercare. Usually I'll call to check in with the person I played with the next day to make sure they're okay. We talk for a minute or two, and that's it. I feel good, they feel good. In Spike's case (as well as a few others) I only had the option of texting, and the text wasn't returned. It's amazing how much that small gesture can mean.

That check-in allows me to help the person process things, and I will often use it as a way to talk about potential drop. It shows the person that I care about their feelings, and even if we never play together again, it allows for some closure. When I don't get to do the check-in, I worry about the other person. I mean, it doesn't matter if a person is brand new or has several decades worth of experience, I want to be sure I gave that person a positive experience with me. Naturally, there's been "disasters" in the dungeon, but being able to dissect it away from the dungeon helps the both of us.

So, today I felt like shit. I was in bed all day. Yes, I'll admit that I've been beating Shilo's ass the past few days and it's been fun and fulfilling, and even sexy at times, but it doesn't 'make up' for the hurt and negative feelings I'm feeling. One cannot replace the other. Believe me, I wish it did. Writing abut this helps a little, and maybe talking about it with Daddy Wayne and Shilo tomorrow will help, but time will fix this as well. My "drops" don't last forever, it just feels that way.

Now maybe I can work through all this and start healing.

Spike: The Aftermath

More of the same... Not really, but let's say that there wasn't the usual awkwardness that I have had with former subs/lovers in the past. It was like all those years apart hadn't really happened. It was obvious to me that he made an effort to look good for me, Still, we were both cautious to not fall into any traps that we feared. I made a point to introduce him to Shilo, since they had obviously never met, and I directed him into Stitch's room, mostly re-purposed as a 'dungeon' the night before, with a few added touches this morning. I poured coffee and brought it to him and he drank it while we talked. We used our proper names when talking, and got caught up on medical conditions, commenting on how age and medications affected how we played with others. Not our typical conversation. No "I missed you," no "I love you's" just comments on how much some things had changed or stayed the same.

We talked back and forth for an hour, with me covering my expectations on honesty and transparency, and him acknowledging his prior reluctance to do so, and his desire to do so now, and what he was currently doing in his vanilla life. Then I smiled and told him to get undressed. I silently noticed that the visual of his naked body, while pleasing, did not elicit any involuntary reactions or feelings. For the very first time, I saw him as he was, and not as an object of my desire, sexual or otherwise.

Since I couldn't remember very much about our past, and the things that he liked, I had him stand in the corner. This is something Shilo enjoys, so I thought I'd try it. Personally, it does nothing for me. Apparently, it did nothing for him as well. After having him confess what a naughty boy he'd been, I had him climb onto the spanking bench.

Spike was among the earliest masochists that I was with. He enjoyed it hard and rough, and other than a few swats on his backside, as warm up (if you could call it that) I laid into him using medium hard strokes. OOPS! I guess that his advanced age and medications has tenderized him a little, and he asked me to stop after about 20 swats using the heavy leather tawse. While I was okay with him asking to stop, he was upset and disappointed that we couldn't continue.

I told him to get on the bed and lay down, and I could tell he wanted to argue the point, so I repeated mt request politely. Finally realizing it was a demand, he did so, and I took off my outfit, leaving my black lace panties on, and I held him and we talked some more. It felt good and right being with him like that, and we discussed the probability of him returning to play again. I guess I left enough of an impression (pun intended) that he set up a date with me in the near future, and when it was time for him to go, he got dressed, and we hugged goodbye, It was very fitting and comfortable, and I'm looking forward to seeing him again, and maybe going further into negotiations with him.

In Other News:

Shilo appears to be feeling better on his gluten-free diet, which led to Shilo asking me for a "funishment" session about an hour after Spike left. While I'm not holding my breath waiting for another session with him, it was the first time since late October that we played hard enough for me to leave marks.

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It's Over...

Yes, it's all over, and, for the first time in a long time, I can breathe a sigh of relief, and not look over my back. 

In the middle of November last year, my sister and myself applied for co-conservatorship of Danny (AKA: Child #4) Because his father (My ex-husband AKA: Deadbeat) was trying to make it difficult for us to handle Danny's medical needs, going so far as to take her off of Danny's record as a contact and telling his neurologist conflicting information.

The piles of paperwork and repeated monthly court dates are over. Deadbeat was told at the last court date by the judge that he could not block it verbally anymore, and that he would have to fill out court papers and file it along with proof that we were unsuitable. Oh, believe me when I say that he managed to smear my name in the mud, filling the ears of anyone who would listen about my lies, laziness and neglect, and my mental health problems. What wasn't outright lies was such an exaggeration of the truth, that it necessitated me submitting copies of every court document, including police reports and a letter from my therapist stating my fitness and ability to handle Danny.

Thank God he knows nothing of my kinks or lifestyle! Oh, nevermind! He mentioned my sister's porn business too. To have our private lives opened like that was unnecessary. The mental and emotional scarring was re-opened. Also, during those 7 months of fighting, Danny was hospitalized 3 times, with a total of 15 days in the hospital. There's a reason I call his father 'Deadbeat.' Not once in all those times did he visit or contribute to hospital or medication/treatment costs. My credit is ruined, and the bills for Danny keeps rising. I will just briefly mention his lack of child support here.

Well, Deadbeat is living proof of my prior stupidity and prior decisions. But let's not dwell on the horrible past. It's not edifying and it causes me much pain. Besides, I can rejoice that this is over, and that's the important part!

Apparently, after that last court date, Deadbeat got all the paperwork and found out the filing fees and decided that he didn't have the time, patience, or money to object. He called last week to inform me that he had a change of heart. My youngest child told my sister that his dad tried to get him and his other brothers to testify against me. Even our oldest child (who all but called me a whore in my own home 2 Christmases ago) wouldn't do it, and Deadbeat realized he was fighting a losing battle.

I'm not perfect, and I'm certainly no angel, but I raised my boys the best I could with no help and was a good example for them. I guess in spite of everything, I raised them right.

So, it's over. I can finally breathe knowing that as Danny's medical and mental condition declines, my sister and I can do whatever we can to keep him happy and comfortable with no interference from his father.

Tension

It's not necessarily a bad thing. Think of sexual tension and the warm ache you get from it.Think of the tension of waiting for a good thing to happen. The tingle of anticipation, the longing ache you get from waiting, and the inevitable pleasure you get when the time is right. The precious release that is so desired. The past few days, when other things aren't in my thoughts, that's where I am. That place between pleasure and pressure, waiting for release. Wanting it now, but with the knowledge that anything worth having is worth waiting for. That delicious ecstasy that awaits me.

BUT:

I've grown up a bit, and I know there's a difference between fantasy and reality, and, yes, I've had more than my share of experiences where the reality far surpassed any fantasy in my head. Yes, I've been severely disappointed, but not that much. I also know that time and practice only makes for increasingly better experiences. I secretly hate my high hopes right now, mostly out of a fear of failure. Yeah, I hate that "F" word. Failure. A thing that is unsuccessful or disappointing. ::Deep breath:: The good thing is that that particular fear only lasts an instant. Pinning my hopes and dreams on an idea. Waiting on a pleasurable idea to come to fruition. Knowing that that particular feeling is shared with the other party makes it a little better.

Spike: I thought he was lost and long gone. Out of reach, out of sight but always on my mind. Spike, formerly known as _______, returning to me.  A thought I never entertained I could laugh at the reversal of fortune, but most people wouldn't get it. The events that brought this to me are just weird.

Counting, counting. counting... and Bedtime is upon me. Sleeping, dreaming, and hoping for the best!

About My "About Me" and Consent

This was originally written for my Fetlife blog, but it bears repeating:

Somewhere near the top of my profile, in BIG RED LETTERS is the following:

IMPORTANT DISCLOSURE: I have PTSD, so if you don’t know me personally, please don’t touch me or grab at me without asking. My usual response is “attack mode,” so consider yourself warned.

I put it near the top so most people will see it. What it doesn't say, and shouldn't have to say is that I will occasionally freeze in panic with a "deer in the headlights" look.

Now, before anyone accuses me of overreacting or causing "Drama" I want to say that it's already been handled between myself and the person in question, and that hopefully, it won't ever happen again. A lesson was learned. I'm not angry at the person, he's not a "bad guy" nor is he a "predator." He is someone I respect, and, no, he's not in my circle of friends, but he is a friend of my friends.

So, with all the above, why am I even bringing this up? Well, the fact that I woke up screaming could have something to do with it. I mean, I have a choice: I could allow this to overtake me and continue with the nightmares (that occur all times of the day, including naps) and screaming, or I can write about it in an attempt to 'exorcise' the fears.

"Don't touch me or grab at me without asking." It's easy. "Merry, that's a cool tattoo and scarification." I will probably tell you that you can touch it. The scarification has interesting ridges and it feels good when it's touched. When I engage in negotiations with a sub or bottom, I ask them if there's any body part I cannot touch, and I tell them to ask my permission before handling me.

We're equals, so if we're talking, and you have a pet snake, and I say I'm afraid of your pet snake, you should say, "Don't be afraid, I'll hold it, and you can pet it." WAIT for me to say 'okay' and don't put that snake in my face. I might not react if you put that snake near me, but the chance is good that I'm frozen in fear. Don't ask me later if you violated my consent, because you know you did, and don't ask me why I didn't run away screaming or kick you or said "no". Don't blame the victim! It's your responsibility to ask and wait for permission.

And, in the future, should you unintentionally hurt me or scare me, take me in your arms and comfort me, don't just apologize and go on like nothing happened. The little girl in me (Sunshine) needs to know that she can be safe among friends in a dungeon, and, yes, he started with me, but ended with Sunshine, because she comes 'out' to 'protect' me.

FOR THE RECORD: Snakes don't frighten me, but ask permission anyway.

What's In A Name?

I think I've explained my anomic aphasia enough times, but if you are confused, You may read about it in the following link:

http://keepcalmanddowhatmerrytellsyou.blogspot.com/2014/03/im-not-stupid-nor-am-i-confused-3-6-2014.html

My anomic aphasia is the main reason I call Shilo, Shilo and Stitch, Stitch instead of using their given names. I realized a long time ago, I'm more likely to remember a name or nickname if I give it to the person.

Whenever I start a D/s relationship, I give the submissive a 'new' name, using the rules that it must start with the letter 'S' and be 4 to 6 letters long with no more than 2 syllables. I've used that rule since the early 90's before I knew what anomic aphasia was. I also never re-use names for another.  So, Spot, Sparky, Spanky, (Cum)Slut, Soft (Kitty), Shilo or Stitch never need to worry I'll re-use their names for another.  There have been others that I didn't use the name rule for, such as Nick-E, Mister Ed, and a few that already had a perfectly good name in place already.

So, time goes on, and people change. Many moons ago, in a previous life I was known as "Susie," but Merry and the various spellings took over in 2004 after a series of unpleasant events. I feel that as time goes by and events change us and our way of thinking, a new name might be in order, but after a long hiatus, a new name is a necessity. For instance, if Mister Ed returned, he would definitely need a new name! Even mentioning his name leaves me wondering... He's pushing 80 now, and it's been about 15 years since we last spoke. So those of you who are just dying to know who has come back into my life now know it's not him. But no more hints!

So, for the past few days, I've referred to a horse, long ago put to pasture as the Horse that needs new name. Well, after much thought, I've come up with what I consider to be the 'perfect' name for him. He will either discover it if he reads it here, or when we talk next week. Much thought went into this name, and after I present the name, I will explain why I chose it. Here goes... (are you as nervous and excited as I am?)

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I will be calling him Spike! Why Spike? Well here are a few things about the word Spike:

Spike: noun

a very large nail (very fitting: He is tall and sharp)

Synonyms:

jab, pierce, spear, impale (my heart felt all those things when I put him out to pasture)

Spike: transitive verb
to add vitality, zest, or spice to: liven (and that is my hope for him in my life)

I realize that by calling him Spike, it means I have high hopes and expectations for him and he might not live up to that transitive verb, but I've named others in hopes of their potential, and I was not disappointed. Wanting a little vitality in my life isn't too much to hope for. Understanding that he has a new vitality that he hasn't had in a long time is another reason for that name.
 

 

Honesty

Being truthful, not lying, not holding anything back, even if it hurts.

Prior to Shilo, all my relationships were D/s (Dominant/submissive) not M/s (Mistress/slave) and I was much less restrictive in the rules department. I mean, yes, I expected the rules to be followed, but I wasn't so strict and regimented, and even though I gave honesty, and expected it in return, there were no consequences for the other party. With Shilo, all that changed. I tightened restrictions and had more expectations on behavior and honesty. I became tougher, and I didn't take shit. It's had a few difficulties, but mostly, it's paid off in the long run. I know where I stand on any given day, and both Shilo and Stitch have benefited from it. No excuses, no half-truths, no "you look beautiful in that dress" unless I really do. No more fashion faux pas for me! While some women might find that type of honesty to be painful, I welcome it.

So, here we are now, two years into a completely honest transparent relationship. Has he hurt my feelings? Of course he has, but the benefits are amazing, and I wouldn't ever go back to how I was before. I even decided to handle all my BDSM (and vanilla) relationships that way.

The Advantages

The advantages are obvious to me. I always know where I stand, and there is no confusion on anyone's part. I know if the other person likes something or hates something. Any hurt feelings are dealt with immediately, and grudges are unheard of. I don't have to worry needlessly over inconsequential things, and I know that if I wear that skirt, people are going to be thinking my ass is HUGE. Neither Stitch or Shilo have to worry about what's on my mind, because I tell them. Naturally, there are times when one of us needs to take a deep breath and think things through before we speak, but being able to say that without fear of anger or retribution makes it that much easier. Holding the other person in a loving and accepting way while s/he gathers thoughts is encouraged, and Love from all sides is there. Yes, there are still arguments and disagreements sometimes, but what might have lasted all day and into the next day will last an hour or less in most cases. Even Sunshine takes part in this, explaining the 'hard' stuff for me.

The Disadvantages

There are some disadvantages. Not everyone is ready for such an open way of life. I include my expectations of anyone pursuing a BDSM relationship with me, and it has led to uncomfortable silences, and even a few arguments. My truths are definitely not made for public consumption. It can be alienating when you eliminate social niceties and tell people what you actually feel about things. No amount of emotional maturity can prepare a person when I tell them my idea of how I process something as simple as a spanking. I understand and accept that someone night see it as sexual, but they cannot understand and accept that I process that spanking in a nonsexual way, and that I am unable to feel sexual towards  someone unless I feel genuine Love for them. Also, telling someone that I have rules about Love and sex that may or may not align with theirs puts them in a very uncomfortable position. My matter-of-fact way of dealing with things can be off-putting. Add to it that I really don't mind how they feel, and that I expect them to understand and accept my frequently opposite feelings and it scares most of them, because it's an alien concept. You Love me, and I like you? That's okay! I Love you, and you like me? That's okay too, Just be clear on it.  We can never predict how our emotions might be, and how it might change, so please be comfortable in the fluidity of of it all.

If I'm involved with you, you can count on the fact that I at least like you, and if what I do does nothing for you, be honest, and spare me the pain that might come in the future.

How do I feel, honestly? ask and I will tell.

Again With The Horses

This time, excerpts from the horse's mouth! No, not one horse, several of them. Due to the anomic aphasia, some words might be eliminated or changed, but I will strive to keep the meaning the same.

Name of horse:Child #4 (Babyman)
What was said: "Dad called and said he's not gonna challenge you and Auntie in court next week."
What it means to me: Well, I'm more than a little suspicious... What does he (Deadbeat) have in mind anyway?


Name of horse: Me (to Babyman)
What was said:"I'm going to listen to your voicemail from him."
What it means to me: Well, I couldn't believe it was really true, so I listened to it. Decided I'd call him (Deadbeat) and catch him off-guard.


Name of horse: Child #2 (Boo Bear)
What was said: "I ordered parts for my car so I can fix it all the way and get it out of your driveway."
What it means to me: Finally! After 4 months, it would be nice to not have to park our cars on the street!


Name of horse: Soft Kitty (A sub I was considering)
What was said: "If BDSM isn't sexual for you, then I can't submit to you."
What it means to me: Honestly??? Well after the whole back and forth of the past 3 weeks where he couldn't make up his mind on anything, I'm kind of relieved.


Name of horse: Me (to Soft Kitty)
What was said: "I'm the Dominant, and since you are now seeking another one, please block me so I don't have to watch."
What it means to me: Relief, Honestly, I'm relieved. It was getting to be too much work to get even a little cooperation.


Name of horse: Smartest Horse up until sometime back (needs a new name)
What was said: "I guess I didn't Love you nearly as much as you Loved me, but I do care for you."
What it means to me: OUCH!!!  Well, not really... I had my suspicions. Things had been tanking fast back then, and if it hadn't ended the way it did, it would have ended for a myriad of other reasons, and the time he was in the pasture was good for me, and a little heartbreak every now and then is good.


Name of horse: Me (to Horse that needs new name)
What was said: "I'm looking forward to riding your ass."
What it means to me: Well, I am... We enjoyed our rides before, so why would this be different? Oh yeah... He's been in the pasture, and I'm in a completely different headspace. I'm a little anxious/nervous, but I'm sure the horse hasn't completely forgotten how to make me purr in delight.


Name of horse:Me (to myself)
What was said: "Must stay calm, and stop counting down."
What it means to me: well, it's a habit, and I'm understandably feeling that way. I'm afraid (scared shitless) of how we will react to each other


Name of horse: Me (to Horse that needs new name)
What was said: "I'll let you take the lead in the emotion department."
What it means to me: WTF???!!! This isn't like me at all! I'm already putting up my emotional guards.


Name of horse: Shilo
What was said: "You've got a boyfriend" (said in a sing-song voice)
What it means to me: He's teasing me in a good-natured way. It's his way of showing approval, but he doesn't want me to get hurt. I don't know how or if I should reassure him. Opening my heart means I run that risk. I will try to not obsess too much. (Too late!)


Name of horse: Babyman
What was said: "I don't worry about your relationship with Stitch anymore."
What it means to me: He's finally understanding that polyamory can work.


Name of horse: Deadbeat
What was said: "I decided to not fight you and your sister in court next week."
What it means to me: I have mixed feelings. All this has been nearly 9 months in the making, and it's taken this long because he kept fighting it. So, while I'm relieved, I'm also angry because of all the time, energy, and money spent on what could have been solved MONTHS ago!


Name of horse: Stitch
What was said: "I Love you babygirl, and I'm so glad we're alone."
What it means to me: What he's really saying is that he's glad I took Babyman home today. Having him here cramps our lifestyle. I agree 100%, but I love my time with Babyman.


Name of horse: Me (to anyone reading this)
What was said: "I Love all my children, and they mean the world to me."
What it means to me: Just what I wrote. It's just that I'm out of the closet now in most areas, but I don't feel comfortable doing more than hugging Stitch or Shilo with them around, and I most certainly can't run around the house naked with them at the house.

Name of horse: Daddy W (in reference to Horse that needs new name)
What was said: "I want all the best for you, and I know you're out, so maybe things will be better for you two now."
What it means to me: I'm just really happy to have his approval and guidance.

Name of horse: Me and Horse that needs new name
What was said: "NSA is best for now."
What it means to me: I'm trying to protect my heart, and I think he is too.

Name of horse: Me (to myself)
What was said: "I can't believe all this stuff has gluten in it."
What it means to me: Exactly that, Feeding Shilo is getting more difficult, and I hate reading labels, but I know it will pay off.

Name of horse: Daddy W (in reference to Soft Kitty)
What was said: "Maybe you wanted it too bad and rushed it and that scared him."
What it means to me:I agree, but it was his (Soft kitty's) indecisiveness that finally made me give up.

Name of horse: Baby Sister
What was said: "I'm glad he (Deadbeat) finally gave up, but I'm pissed about all the work."
What it means to me: Me too! I completely agree!

Name of horse: Neurologist
What was said: "The Specialist and I were discussing changing Babyman's meds. How do you feel?"
What it means to me: Not again! Too much work! Let's stay with this cocktail for a while.


Name of horse: Banker (I was trying to close an account AGAIN!)
What was said: (A whole series of irrelevant questions)
What it means to me: This is why I hate people. I'm too antisocial for this!


Name of horse: Stitch
What was said: What's for Dinner?
What it means to me: OOPS! Time to get off the computer!

But I have one final horse...


Name of horse: Random sub male on collarspace
What was said: "Will UB my Domme? How much do U charge?"
What it means to me: Oh Gawd NO! I'm getting sick of this!

My REAL reply: No, I'm not an elephant or a prostitute. (figure it out reader)


Okay, off to fix a gluten-free meal!

Me and That Damned Saddle!

"Back in the saddle again": Riding the horse you either fell off of, or getting on a horse you've ridden in the past, but not for a long time. Either one is quite an accomplishment, because it takes a certain amount of bravery or foolhardiness to do it. I mean, you just never know. What if the literal or figurative horse bucks, or gets skittish? What if you can no longer find your comfort zone? What if you discover you no longer enjoy riding that horse? So many fears, so many "What ifs."

So, I have this horse... I have a saddle, and I'm getting ready to put the saddle on the horse. I know I'm going to get in that saddle, but there are still questions. Simple ones, like will I just sit and not ride, or will I ride it? How long will I ride it? Will I ride that horse into the sunset?

Yeah, I know I'm getting way too worked up over this horse, but it was a much-loved horse that I enjoyed riding, and it's been a really long time since I rode it. You see, I put that horse out to pasture a long time ago, only to discover recently that this horse was fit for riding again. It's a special, one-of-a-kind horse. A horse of a different color.

I laugh a little when I think of that beloved horse, because it was the smartest horse I ever rode, up until then, and I've ridden other horses since, some that were stubborn as mules, others that were much younger than that horse. But all of the others are gone, save for the smartest horse ever until this point. That one I keep. So I now have the smartest horse ever, and this other horse that is coming in from out of the pasture that used to be the smartest horse, but will now be considered the second smartest one. One did not replace the other, nor will it replace the other. After all, they're horses.

I think that waiting on this horse to arrive is going to be making me crazy. Yee-haw!

Bonus Post!

My Mother-in-Law is feeling better, she will be undergoing both chemo and radiation soon. The conservatorship hearing was postponed. We go back next week.  Child #4 was hospitalized due to multiple seizures and he's with us till Wednesday afternoon. Shilo saw our new doctor last week, and he's now on a gluten free diet.

I'm renting some garage storage space to a friend of our boarder which just about makes up for the money lost because Sherman/Tallship wouldn't pay. An added bonus: When paying bills last week, I saw that the water/gas and electric bill had gone down noticeably. While we aren't out of the woods, I can say that things in that department are looking up.

Sherman/Tallship has been out of my Household for a little over 3 weeks, and I was given some good news. Now if I could manage a little more sleep, I'd feel even better.

A Full Heart

Soo...What prompted this? Oh, a little of everything.

Sometimes we feel like we're alone, but we aren't. Sometimes we feel like we've been left in the cold and the dark, and we will huddle together with those closest to us and cry out for relief. Other times, we just feel burdened. Let me tell you... I have been so burdened down with the pain and cares of the world lately. I'm responsible, or, at least, I feel responsible for my mistakes, my errors in judgement, my fuck-ups. Ohh.. I've made so many of them, and I beat myself up constantly for them. I had one of those weeks last week, and it all blew up on Saturday. (5-23)

I shut off, shut down. Went into the deep end of the (virtual) pool and stayed underwater. Not on the surface. I let Sunshine pick up the pieces. She has a knack for expressing my feelings in a calm way that I couldn't express. When she pulled me out of the pool and let me back out, I had a feeling of inner peace. Shilo apologized, and while that was nice, he also gave me the forgiveness that I needed. I've carried so much guilt and self-loathing over my error in judgement regarding Sherman/Tallship. It's affected how I interact with Shilo and Stitch, and I was just feeling that my fuck-up on that situation was causing everyone to hate me, when, in reality, it was just me hating myself, and blocking out any Love I had the potential of receiving. He told me that everyone in the household had forgiven me weeks ago, and it was time for me to let go of it. I did. The best part was that a weight was lifted.

He went on (much to my dismay) to tell me that the sub I was considering would not work out, and I told him to give it time. I figured out it was doomed before it started, but I pursued it anyway. Blame the masochist in me. Well, that time is up. The ship has sailed. I'm tired of explaining to someone why BDSM isn't Burger King.  Now, while all this was happening, I saw something on the internet that caused my heart to feel good. It was just a picture with a caption, but that little picture made me smile. I gave a quiet acknowledgement and waited.That quiet acknowledgement was received, and I was reminded again that anything worth having is worth waiting for, and that we all have guardian angels. Maybe not the kind that some Christians believe, but we all have people who do care about us, but we can't always see them. No, not stalkers either. I found out today that I had one, and it filled my heart with happiness.

For quite a long time, I tore myself apart over something (not mentioned here) that I knew full well wasn't my responsibility or my fault. Today I finally received word that I don't have to worry about it anymore. I was told the hidden part of the story. That  lifted a weight as well.

I don't know whether things have improved, but I can say that the guilt and pain I've been carrying has been tossed in the trash where it belongs, and I'm ready for a new adventure with the Ones I Love.

A Little Update

I'm breathing a little easier... My much-Loved MIL went through the brain surgery successfully. I don't know/have all the details, but knowing that the hard part is over makes me feel better.

Tomorrow is court for child #4's conservatorship.It needs to be continued, but because his father isn't cooperating, I have to show up to get the new date. I'm not happy about it, but my hands are tied.

In the meantime, Tallship/Sherman moved out, or, rather, he left. His stuff is still here, including his dog, but he's gone, and I guess that's what matters.

There's other stuff, but I'm not into flogging deceased equines.

A Confession/explanation From the Heart

This isn't easy for me. I like being in control and having a choice, but I really have no choice right now, because of a lack of options. I don't want to look selfish, or like I'm complaining, so even opening up to write this is bringing me discomfort, and I practically hate myself for opening up, but it's not good for me to hide my feelings whether they are good or bad. This has to come out.

Shilo has not felt well for months now, and all the trying in the world hasn't fixed it. To say it's affected our relationship is an understatement. We've given up all the things that brought us joy. I miss it, and I miss it so bad it hurts. It's not his fault, it's not my fault, it just is... It's been suggested, and I've considered finding someone who can and will do those things. I've smiled, nodded my head, and pretty much ignored it, because no matter how I've tried, I know that Shilo is the only one I want. This doesn't make me any less polyamorous, or any more monogamous, it just makes me me. It also makes me unhappy, because I can't have the one person I want the way that I want him, and I know in my heart that anyone would be a poor substitute. I guess I could try or even pretend, but it's not one of my strong points, and I'm so much into honesty that lying to myself about it won't work. I miss my husband, my BDSM slave, whatever you want to call it. I miss the man I married, and nobody else will do. I have desires, and only he can fulfill them, but he can't, because he's not well. I can not/will not make him do things that he's unable/unwilling to do. (I hear him in my head saying "You just try.") Anyway, this in itself is enough to make me feel miserable, and I wish it was only that, but it isn't.


We have been slowly running out of money, and now it's to the point that only the mortgage and utilities are getting paid, with very little left for groceries. It adds to our stress level. Shilo took on a second job, and I'm not sure if it's helping or hurting us. Luxuries are quickly becoming a thing of the past. Stitch has offered to get a second job, but I keep telling him no, because he's away from home 12 hours day, 5 days a week as it is. Tallship/Sherman was supposed to be contributing time and money to the Household, but that's a joke, and we've given him till Friday (the 17th) to move out. I/we cannot afford dead weight anymore. I said I'd help, I never said I'd be his sugar momma. I did learn a lesson from all this, but it wasn't a good one. I mean, I've grown to despise him. I never saw that one coming, either.


But wait! There's more!


My Mother-in-law (Shilo's mother) was recently in the hospital for dehydration due to constant vomiting. After a bunch of testing, it was determined that she has numerous 'tumors' including one on the base of her brain. She will be getting radiation for all this. I know my Father-in-law is heartbroken. I'm doing my best to keep it together, but this is hurting so badly. My mom's sudden unexpected death caused me so much pain, and remember how happy I was to have a Mother-in-law when I married Shilo. Family is so important to me, and his family eased my pain. I forgot that we all have a limited time here on earth, but her illness has brought it to the forefront of my mind. 


See? All this has everything and nothing to do with me. I mean, it's about them, it's about us, it's about me, and I begin to think how very selfish I am for wanting anything when all this shit is going on. Still... I do want things. Tiny things. I want to feel centered. This chaos is pushing me to the edge. Shilo used to center me, but he hasn't lately, and I just can't find it anymore. All this pain. I need a respite from all of it. It's such a little thing, and a big thing at the same time. I resent having to ask for affection. I don't feel desired or desirable, and I really try so hard to not let it bother me, but it does. I hate myself for wanting. I do! Even as I put these words here, I think that I'm likely to get an angry response, and I probably deserve it, but holding all this in isn't good or healthy. I think I'll go take a nap or something.

Smiling In Spite Of... (3-28-15)

NOTE: This is not a request for help, nor am I asking anyone to feel sorry for me. It's just that I sometimes have to remove the heavy load and dump it out. I've been doing it quite a bit lately, simply because it's been so heavy, and rather than going into hiding like I used to, I'm gonna drop this stuff and try to keep on moving. Life is for the living, and I'm not dead yet, so I keep on smiling.

My Household has had a very difficult 9 months. It's my job as Head to keep things running as smoothly as possible and keep a cool head when things go to shit. I'm guilty of having a soft heart (or soft head, depending on who you're asking) and I'm never ashamed to admit and apologize for my mistakes, and right them if possible. Unfortunately, there's one I cannot fix. I invited someone into my home because they were down on their luck, and if I can help a friend, then I will. This person offered to assist me with some things in exchange for staying with us, so I agreed. It was fine until this person put me in a compromising situation by getting entangled with a sub that was new to the lifestyle. I advised him as a friend to stay clear of her because she was new. He had the nerve to accuse me of being racist, so rather than argue the point, I let him go on, knowing that neither of them knew what they were doing. Let's just leave it with this: It ended badly, and I had to do damage control.
NOTE TO SUBMISSIVES/SLAVES:` Unless the Mistress/Master/Dominant is yours, you are not` obligated to obey.
NOTE TO MISTRESSES/MASTERS/DOMINANTS:` Unless they are yours, it it unreasonable and rude to expect any and every submissive or slave to follow your orders.

PERIOD!!!

I dislike shit to begin with, but I'm okay with handling mine. Cleaning up a shitstorm cause by another isn't my cup of tea. Let's just say I like to mind my own business, and getting involved with drama (oh, how I detest` that word!) that isn't mine pisses me off. Anyway, instead of sending this person on his merry way, I let him off with a lecture and a stern warning. Give him a chance, right? Then he decided to argue with Sunshine (my little) over some petty thing. Sunshine is 7 years old, and as much as I'd like to say she is well-mannered, she has issues with impulse control. After all, she's 7. I have no control over what she does. Feel free to ask either of her Daddies or Shilo if you doubt it. Still, I forgave him, and Sunshine stayed in hiding when he was around, and she started calling him "The mean man" when he wasn't around. Then, he slowly stopped doing what he agreed to do, and he wasn't investing enough time into finding employment. In the meantime, child #4 (age 25 and developmentally disabled) was having increasing problems with his epilepsy, and needed to be hospitalized for a week so he could be observed, and insurance wasn't going to cover all of it. We're still paying that off. Because I knew that we couldn't afford it, I started a clips 4 sale studio in hopes of supplementing our income so we could pay the medical bills, because I don't want people feeling sorry for me, and I'd rather work for money than take a handout. We stopped attending events for several months thinking that we'd save some money. It didn't really work, and I was sinking into a deep depression, but still wearing that smile.
PERSONAL NOTE:` Sometimes, we need the company of others who share our interests, and staying away does more damage than good.

Right about the time child #4 got out of the hospital, Shilo began having digestive issues. His doctor attributed it to stress, but it got so bad that Shilo was unable to to do do anything physical and so we stopped filming. Just before Christmas, Child #4 had a series of seizures and spent 5 days in the hospital. I'm not a (money) rich woman, and this stress was really getting to me, but I kept going, knowing that things had to eventually improve. I still hold on to that belief. Right about that time, Sunshine made an offhand suggestion to “the mean man” that he should marry his girlfriend. Then, she messaged the girlfriend, and things got ugly. Sunshine told both Stitch and Shilo that the girlfriend was mean, and Sunshine called the girlfriend an 'ungrateful cunt.' Naturally, this only caused more problems, but, in her defense, I think she was feeling my frustration and aggravation. Once more, "The mean man" argued with Sunshine in spite of being told on numerous occasions that arguing with her is completely unacceptable. I was at wit's end, and I hated myself for allowing my heart to lead. I was in a funk from not being around the people I love, and not participating in events. I realized that staying away might be saving a few dollars, but at the expense of my mental well-being. The local community had become my family after the death of my mother, and I missed it.
NOTE TO ALL:`Denying yourself of the people you care about doesn't solve anything.

On New Year's Day, I decided to not take any more shit, and I held a household meeting giving "The mean man" 7 weeks to get a job and pay towards Household expenses or move out. I also decided that I wasn't going to wallow in depression anymore, and I signed up for the LA GRUE, maxing out my last credit card. It was a small price to pay for better mental health. I smiled more, and I even laughed. Still, I knew that the medical bills (and other bills) were piling up. Shilo was still having issues, so Stitch accompanied me instead, and we provided transportation for my Mentor/other Daddy. It was a happy overwhelming (in a good way) weekend. Somehow, I contracted a "virus from hell" and spent weeks not doing anything, although I went out a few times when I was foolish enough to think I was 'better' only to have it come back with a vengeance a few days later. During the 7+ weeks I was ill, I managed to attend 3 events on nights I thought it was over. My smile was genuine, and the fact that "The mean man" managed to meet the deadline and paid part of what was requested made things a little easier. Still, it was too little too late. Bills were now not only piling up, but the hospital was getting impatient. I don't blame them, but you can't squeeze blood out of a turnip. The fact that I needed to maintain my mental health, pay the mortgage and basic utilities was overwhelming as it was. Dealing with the fact that I had a person in my home that I was beyond loathing added to the stressors, but I somehow managed to smile in spite of it all.

SOLUTION

Shilo decided to take on a second part-time job so we could catch up a little bit, and I know he'd rather spend his off time with me, but taking care of the Household is something we're all responsible for, and I've done some freelance work to help pay bills too. Our clips 4 sale site is still up, but we don't get many buyers, in spite of the “hits” we get. I'm hoping that will change soon. I recently managed to sell a few stories, and I decided that it was a reason to celebrate, so tonight I'm going out with Shilo and Stitch to a play party. Yes, it will eat up my earnings, but I managed to pay off all the utilities so they are up-to-date, and some of the pressure is off. Am I worried about the other stuff? You bet! However, I can't allow myself to get overwhelmed by it. We had to cancel a much-needed test for Shilo a few days ago because we weren't notified until the day before how much it was going to cost (too much!) and he was expected to pay for it up front. Still, I smile in spite of, because when you've reached bottom, the only way is up, and I'm not quitting.
NOTE TO ALL:` Don't quit or give in when things are rotten, try to learn from the mistakes of others, and smile in spite of it all, cause there's always someone worse off than you are.

Adventures in Errand Running (3-2-15)

Introduction: For those of you not "In the know" I'll use this to explain my Household. Stitch works day shift Monday through Friday. He rides a bicycle 20 miles round-trip every day he works. Shilo works extended graves 3 nights a week. (Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday) He comes home on Wednesday mornings totally exhausted. The advantage is that his 40 hours are compacted in that time, and I'm never left alone at home for more than 2 hours on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday mornings. The disadvantage is that I usually wind up running errands alone if I have to do them on Monday or Tuesday. Such was the case today.

Setting: I was unable to take care of banking on Friday or Saturday last week, so it had to be done today. I mean, I paid the bills, but the cash was at the other bank (Chase) that Shilo uses. I also had 2 prescriptions to pick up at the pharmacy, and Donna needed food. I also had to buy groceries. Not overly stressful when you look at it, but the events were not quite that simple. (They never are)

The Plan: get as much done as possible in the shortest amount of time, driving the least amount of miles. Not an easy task... The pharmacy is 4 miles away, the nearest pet food store from my house is 4.5 miles from my house, but an additional 3 miles away from the pharmacy, and let's not even discuss the banks
!
The Decision: If I drove to a shopping Center in Lakewood, I could do everything but get my prescriptions in a 2 block radius, then drive back to the pharmacy, which would be on my way home. Total time spent driving would be 45 minutes round-trip, and I could park in one spot for the banking, and pet food store Easy-peasy!

The Reality: I woke up to rain. Heavy rain. Shilo was already in bed next to me, and he was warm and inviting. Did I really have to go out? Well... I had one night's worth of seizure medication, Donna was out of her food, and the banking? Well, I was already 3 days overdue on that one. Couldn't escape any of it. The rain got harder, and Shilo was soo warm, and he was holding me in such a way that if I tried to get up and out of his hold, I'd wake him. Then there was my cat, Tsunami. He was asleep on my chest. So warm, so cozy. I laid in the cuddle pile for a few hours, enjoying every minute of it.

An overly-full bladder and the sun peeking through the clouds and the curtains finally caused me enough discomfort to get out of bed. Out of all of us, I think Tsunami was miffed the most. It was going on 2:30 by then, so I knew I had to leave, I took a quick shower and left. I also managed to leave both my shopping list and the bank instructions (how much to withdraw) at home. I knew I could wing the shopping list, but I wasn't sure how much money I needed. I had to call (and wake) Shilo for that information. Waking Shilo when he's worked the night before and has to work again in a few hours is an ugly thing. He wasn't happy about me waking him. I don't blame him at all...

How I resisted calling him again after the event at his bank was done by sheer willpower. Needless to say, I didn't call him, and the only thing I've told him about it was that I said "SHIT!!!" loudly enough to turn heads. It was horribly embarrassing, and instead of the 3 minutes I allotted at Chase, I spent 20 minutes there, mostly with a red face and a sheepish grin. There are customers who may never forget or forgive me for my outburst and the ensuing hassle I caused, but, honestly, the events (other than me yelling "SHIT!") were not my fault.

Once that was done, I deposited the money in my bank, bought food for Donna, and headed to the pharmacy, and I managed to buy most of my groceries at the store where the pharmacy is located. Oh! Did I hear you complain that I didn't tell you what happened at Chase? I will... be patient! I still had to stop at Von's for some of the groceries, but it was on the way home, and I finally got home at 5:30, nearly an hour after I had planned on getting home. Unfortunately Stitch didn't answer his phone (as usual) so I had to walk in with the first set of bags using the long way.

I had just finished bringing in the bags and putting away the groceries when Shilo got up for work. I hinted that it had been an adventure today, but I told him he'd have to wait until I posted this.

The Public Humiliation: I'm not very fond of interacting with bank tellers, and, under normal circumstances, I'd use the ATM and be on my way, but the ATM has a limit of $500 for Shilo's account. This means I has no choice but to go inside. They have these huge machines that you can withdraw any amount you want without dealing with a teller. You can even choose the denominations of the cash. I swiped my card and entered $540. A big notice flashed on the screen that I could only withdraw $200. I was confused, but I re-entered my card and PIN and entered $200 for withdrawal, figuring I could withdraw more later. The machine made all kinds of noise, and I was getting worried that there was something wrong, I mean, it was making loud noises, and nothing was happening. Finally, it let out a loud groan and it spit out $200...
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in ONES!
That's right! Two hundred one dollar bills!!! Naturally, my response was SHIT!!! I mean, I had a huge pile of bills in my hand, there were 15 people in line, and I wasn't about to stand in that line with all that money!

I saw a man at a desk in an office, and I tapped on the door. He laughed when he saw the horrified look on my face. I guess the machine started doing that in the morning with everyone. He promised me it would be getting fixed, but the damage and embarrassment had already been done.

He apologized, took the cash in the back, and I heard someone let out a hoot, and then "Jackpot!" It took an awfully long time for him to return, but I guess the money needed to be hand-counted. It was when he returned with the two $100 bills that I realized he had customers at his desk. No doubt they were silently cursing me under their breath.

I hightailed it out of the bank, stopped at the ATM and got the rest of the money, glad that nothing worse had happened.

Moral: There is none, other than expect the unexpected when you least expect it. Well, that, and don't yell expletives in a full bank with children present.